(A/N) Hey guys! Another 2-dayer :)
-Review Corner-
bleachfangirl7 Thanks :P
Misato92 The Teddy Bear thing? I know! So Cute! :3
As White As Snow Really? Which song? I must know! Also Im so happy im able to create a memorable storyline :)
Adorable Reader If you were in his shoes, would you be able to tell someone?
Nekotan1999 I wish Hikaru did know what was going on (Which is weird since Im the author! But I can just change things y'know? I've created a personality and I have to act out the story accordingly, makes it more realistic this way :p )
Death-Note-Fan01 I think a healthy dose of tragedy is good now and then. It lets us know that there are still surprises left in the world; that life isnt just a giant rut of happiness and boredom...if that even makes any sense... Anyway Im still deciding how I want this to end, but trust me, if i choose a bad ending its going to be TRAGIC! Im a little twisted like that, you've been warned :)
Guest I know! I Love P!ATD :D Oh and pardon my stupidity but...do you mean Lovatic as in a Demi Lovato fangirl? (Like Justin Beiber and his "Beleibers"?) I was like whats lovatic so i googled it and thats all I could find, just wondering if there was a typo somewhere ;)
iwasbored Yes, yes you did, LoL
sadhunnybunny36 I never wrote down EVERYTHING that happened at Hunny's house. There will be flashbacks... AND OMG IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR CUZ! I didnt know my story was THAT believable! Tell them both Im deeply sorry for reminding them of that emotional turmoil! Im wondering if she had the same problem I gave Kaoru...AGAIN I am soo sorry and this apology extends to all future angst filled chapters :0
Back to the story...now im sad...
*Chapter 12*
*Kaoru's 12 Step Program*
-Kaoru's POV-
Hikaru gave me a quick hug and draped one of his arms around my shoulder, leading me out of the bathroom "Ok, I'll get you that Teddy Bear."
On the way out of the bathroom Hikaru pulled out the map again. He had a slight look of concentration on his face, probably trying to find a game that was easy for him to win.
I wiped my eyes again and continued to watch him.
I only asked him to win me a Teddy Bear so we could stay at the park a little longer. I knew if we went back home I would be left with nothing to do but lay in bed and think. I didn't want to do that.
My thoughts were scaring me so much...
Despite that, I still let my mind drift back to that song. I didn't even know what it was called, and yet it had such an effect on me. It wasn't even a sad song, and yet it reminded me of what I was doing; what I was hiding from. Why I had to keep up appearance so others wouldn't worry...
My mind couldn't take it and I just broke down. So many thoughts, so many feelings, so much guilt and self-hatred, it was all just one giant whirlwind in my mind, blocking out everyone and everything.
I also thought back to the Limo ride here and how I couldn't stop thinking about that dream.
That dream...
Was that really what dying felt like?
It hurt so much...
...and yet it was so peaceful.
All of a sudden I felt someone grab my arm and yank it upward.
"Hikaru what are you doing?"
"I'm trying to figure out why you keep holding your wrist like that..." he answered back, scrutinizing my arm.
Shit. I was doing it again...
"Hikaru, there is nothing wrong with my arm. Can I have it back know?"
He looked me in the eyes, trying to see if I was lying.
Reluctantly he let go and showed me the map. It was blowing in the wind a little so he had to fight to show me what it was "Wait, hold on...stupid map, ok here! Perfect place to get a Teddy Bear!"
"Hikaru that's a gift shop..."
"Yeah, I know! I'm a genius!"
I made myself blush, adding little tears for added effect "Hikaru...Why don't you love me anymore?"
"Nope. Not falling for it." he shook his head in determination
"But Hikaru...don't you want this to be special for me?"
He made the mistake of looking back "..."
Moron.
I deepened my blush, lowered my head a bit and lifted my eyebrows to round out my eyes more. I was a master at puppy dog eyes. I was the Uke for a reason y'know. "Please? For me?"
"...fine."
"Yes!" I fist pumped.
He shook his head "One day your going to teach me how to do that."
I met his eyes and smirked "If I did that then how would I get my way anymore?"
I heard a voice from behind me "You can't always get what you want y'know."
I looked behind me "Kyoya? Your still here?" he was holding a brown bear in his hands with a very annoyed look on his face.
He gave a little sigh "Yeah. My father won't be happy to hear how many people were slacking off. One even gave me this bear to keep my mouth shut. I think I'll give it to Tamaki."
My eyes widened "Aw no fair! I want one!"
He smirked "Hm? Maybe if your club sales were higher I would have given you this one. But don't worry. I'm working on that. In the mean time you can try that 'Guess Your Weight' game over there." he pointed behind him before walking away again.
The way he said ' But I'm working on that' was really...suspicious. Oh well, it's not like he's the only one keeping secrets...
Once Hikaru had refolded the map we started walking through the tiny sea of Commoners, towards the direction he was pointing until we reached the game. There was a rather bored looking woman standing next to a comically large scale. There was a huge, colorful, bubble lettered sign above that said 'GUESS YOUR WEIGHT and other things' and a shelf stocked with all kinds of plush toys.
"Hikaru look!" I started pointing enthusiastically at one of the bears, "It looks just like Ted from 'Ted: The Movie'!"
He looked just as amazed as I did "Wow! It does! Do you want that one?"
I nodded excitedly and watched him walk up to the lady "So how do we play this? Am I suppose to guess YOUR weight? 'Cause you look a little-"
She cut him off "If you say fat I swear I'll stick my foot so far up your ass the water on my shoes will quench your thirst."
"..."
"Now then the object of the game is that I have to guess either your weight, birth month, or age. The rules are: If I guess your weight within ten pounds I win, if I guess your age and Im only off by 1 year I win, and if I guess your birth month and I'm only of by 1 month I still win."
Hikaru scrunched up his face "Sounds like your cheating."
"Want a bear or not? I'll even give you 2 chances since there are two of you. And PLEASE don't pick birthday twice I had another pair of twins do that last week." she face-palmed.
Hikaru turned turned towards me "So what do you want her to guess?"
I thought for a second and whispered in his ear "We could go with age but it's easy to guess the age of a teenager, so we should pick weight and birth month."
He looked back at the lady "Alright then, I choose birth month."
The lady gave us a suspicious grin and pulled out a pencil and a tiny note book "I'm going to write my guess here and then show it to you." she started writing, but her eyes never left our faces. As she wrote she started singing the months, still never looking down at her paper, "January~, February~,March~"
Hikaru frowned "What the Hell are you doing?"
"April~,May~,June~,July~" she stopped at August and smirked "I know your secret~!" she singsonged.
This time I frowned "Are you insane?"
"Nope! But now I know your a Gemini!" she turned the paper towards us.
It had all of the months written down, each with a different number of check marks next to them, but all were crossed out except June.
Hikaru and I were stunned "How the Hell did you do that?!"
She started spinning the pencil in her fingers "I was watching your facial expressions. The closer I got to May the more nervous you looked, but you mysteriously calmed down when I said July..."
Hikaru folded his arms "Rip-off artist. Kaoru looks like its your turn."
I stepped forward "Ok then Miss College Psychology Major, I choose weight."
She scrutinized me as I covered my chest pretending to be offended, but also hoping it would throw her off a bit. After about 30 seconds she said "118"
118? Im 5' 10'', do you know how unhealthy that is? That Teddy Bear was mine!
Hikaru laughed but then quickly straightened out his face when he remembered she was still watching.
She narrowed her eyes at Hikaru before turning her attention back on me "Ok then Cutie prove me wrong, hop up on the scale."
I shook my head and stepped up on the scale waiting for the number to reach 130.
But it never did...
"122.6 pounds. I win again."
Hikaru started to glare at the woman "So you get your kicks by ripping people off with a rigged scale?!"
"There's nothing wrong with this scale and I'll prove it. You look like you weigh about 128, get on the scale."
Hikaru hesitated.
I walked off the scale, not looking him in the eyes. He looked from me to the woman, finally stepping onto the scale.
I just stood there, petrified, waiting for the numbers to stop spinning.
She grinned at him "Well! What does it say?"
He swallowed "...it says...131.2"
I couldn't believe what was happening. How did I lose so much weight so quickly?
Whatever was wrong with my mind was also starting to effect me physically. I didn't need to kill myself, my body was doing it for me...
I just barely heard the woman ask 'Hey, what's wrong with him?' before I looked back up "Hikaru...I wanna go home..."
"Kaoru..."
I could feel the tears coming "I said...I want to home!"
I glanced up and saw the confusion and hurt on Hikaru's face. I could never tell him what was happening because I didn't want him to worry. I didn't want him to constantly have to worry about losing his brother. I knew it pained him that I was keeping secrets from him, but I knew it would only hurt him more if he knew the truth...
I needed help. But who do I turn to?
I couldn't look at him right now. I couldn't bare to see those eyes again. The same confused, pain filled eyes that always stared back at me in the mirror, pleading me; begging me.
Please...just take me home, Hikaru."
-Sunday (Hitachiin Mansion)-
-Kaoru's POV-
As soon as we came back home yesterday I went straight to bed.
Yesterday was horrible...I was crying for no reason, I found out I was underweight, and I now have a bad habit of holding onto my wrist...
It's morning now and I'm lying onin bed on my side, staring at the wall, still considering just blurting out my suicidal intentions to my brother so we can work this out together, but what if I have to go to a mental hospital and go through electro shock therapy or something? I read that they send electricity through your head to induce a seizure thats SUPPOSE to cure you! Sometimes it doesn't work out and they end up turning you into a vegetable!
I even read about a thing called a lobotomy, where they actually cut off part of your brain to stop the bad thoughts...
...then again I think I also read that they stopped doing that a few years ago...but they still give you those Happy Pills that sometimes even make things worse!
God I don't know what's scarier, the symptoms or the cures?!
I started massaging my face, trying to calm down. I'm worrying to much.
But what if it gets worse and I start turning into a schizophrenic? What if I become bipolar?
...am I already bipolar?
No, of course not...bipolar people are pretty much psychopaths...
Oh God! Am I becoming psychotic? Maybe I should be in a mental hospital.
I took a deep breath, I need to just stop worrying! I'm was becoming a hypochondriac for crying out loud!
I started thinking back to that dream I had at Senpai's again. No matter what I was doing at the moment, my mind always drifted back to that dream...
I rolled over in bed to look at Hikaru, but he wasn't there. I sat up in bed, about to go look for him but then I realized what's the point and laid back down.
Hikaru can be free now...
I sat back up. I wish I could just forget that dream; forget everything! Everything I was hiding from; everything I was pretending wasn't happening.
I wish I could forget all of the tears, all of the nights I've stayed up, trying to talk myself out of dying.
The lyrics to a song started playing in my head. I got out of bed and walked over to the dresser. I opened one of the drawers and pulled out my iPod. I put in the earbuds and went through the songlist until I found it. My thumb lingered over the play button. I started walking in circles. Did I really want to hear this? I knew it would only make me feel worse but I sat down on the edge of Hikaru's side of the bed, took a deep breath, and despite my better judgement I pressed play and started thinking about my dream again.
(A/N: The song is called 'The Only Medicine' by Scary Kids Scaring Kids)
I'll wash it down
Just to block out all the sound
I never thought I'd be alone
Well look at me now!
Sleepless nights
Painful goodbyes
Who the hell was I kidding?
The room starts to spin,
All alone and bleeding once again
Can you help make this,
Make this fucking end?
Oh my god there must be something
Something to take the pain away
And so there's nothing you can give me
It's probably better off that way
Just forget
All I ever wanted
Was to forget
Bloodshots eyes and a starless sky
Who the hell are we kidding?
You look so content
I guess the bright side
Hasn't found me yet
Pull me up so I
Can catch my breath
I live my life in the shadows
Of the things I've thrown away
I was shaking and gripping the edge of the bed by the time the song ended. I ripped out the earbuds and hurled my iPod at the wall. It cracked on impact and fell to the floor.
I looked into the mirror, seeing Hikaru cry again. His hair was a mess and there were dark circles under his lifeless eyes.
I wish the mirror would stop showing me this. I just want to see myself; to know that I actually exist. I looked back into his eyes again. They looked so dead inside, and if I told him the truth they would only grow worse.
I could feel tears cascading down my cheeks as I wondered what my reflection would look like if I had one.
I just kept watching Hikaru in the mirror, I had to tell him; I NEEDED to tell him.
But what if my delusions were right?
What if I tell him and he starts to HELP me condemn his own life? I can't handle that kind of guilt...
But...what if I go through with this and he follows me?
What if he kills himself because of me?
I wiped my face with my hands and walked over to my iPod. I picked it up and tried to turn it on. I gave up and tossed it onto the bed behind me before leaving the room to look for Hikaru. I needed someone to talk to; someone to keep away the bad thoughts, if only for a moment.
I knew I couldn't run from my mind forever. But if I could distract my self from it just a little longer...
I wandered through the hallways, still fighting back tears, when I heard giggling coming from one of the guest bedrooms. I walked up to the door and wiped my eyes one last time, praying they weren't red, before slowly opening the door.
I saw Hikaru laying on the bed fully dressed, reading a Manga. He turned the page and started giggling again.
"What are you-" my voice cracked, I cleared my throat and tried again "What are you reading?"
He looked up and smiled "Junjou Romantica."
"...Junjou Romantica? You read boys love manga?"
"Nope, just started. I remembered what Kyoya said yesterday about boosting our sales, so I went out and bought some BL manga to get some ideas."
"Why we're you giggling?"
"Because these couples are just too weird! Like for instance how Misaki and Akihiko's relationship started with Misaki pretty much being raped by him. Then there's Miyagi and Shinobu, a forbidden gay student-teacher relationship-"
"-then theirs us, remember?" I interjected.
"Right...then there's us. Hey, Kaoru I actually did think of a way to boost our sales but it's a little...extreme..."
I raised an eyebrow "Extreme? Even for you?"
He was not amused "Ha ha. Very funny." he said dryly.
He put the book down as I sat down on the bed next to him "So what's this big idea of yours?"
"A truth or dare game during Host Club tomorrow."
"What's so scary about that?"
His face started to flush "You know what those fangirls want from us."
I thought for a second before I realized what he was getting at. They were going to want us to kiss!
"That's a little too far isn't it?"
"I mean it's just a stage kiss, a little peck!"
"I don't think I'm comfortable with that..."
"But your comfortable with flirting with me in public on a daily basis?"
"...just a peck?"
"Just a peck, and only if they ask."
"Ok...but shouldn't we practice so it won't look like we've never done it before?"
"...I didn't think of that..."
"What? Are you scared?" I smirked.
"No I'm not scared!" he glared at me, but his cheeks were still red.
I moved closer "Well?"
His face grew even redder "Well what?"
"Are you going to kiss me or not?"
He closed his eyes and puckered his lips, I was about an inch away before he started laughing and pulled away "I can't do this! I got the giggles!"
I laughed with him "I can't either!"
He started trying to shake out the giggles before sitting up straighter "Ok Ok, one more time. Ready?"
"I cant stop laughing...Wait! Ok on the count of three!" I snickered.
He gave another tiny giggle before slowly moving forward again "One, two... I still can't do this!"
"Stop laughing! Your making me laugh!"
"I can't help it! It's just too weird! Y'know what nevermind let's just forget it and do a Karaoke theme instead tomorrow."
"Alright, fair enough."
Hikaru got up and started walking towards the door.
I cocked my head "Where are you going?"
"Oh that's right! I forgot to tell you. I was lonely here by myself when you were at Hunny-Senpai's house so I went to uh...crap what was the name of that- OH Starbucks! I went to Starbucks, so I'm sitting there drinking my commoners coffee when this girl comes up and asks me about my headphones. We started talking and now I'm picking her up for a date today."
"And you just conveniently forget to tell me all this?"
"Kaoru, you know I don't think about girls. They're easy, just like the fangirls. I'm just...'entertaining' her that's all. She'll be gone by tomorrow."
"So your just going to leave me here all night?"
"Kaoru, I'm not gonna DO her! I'll be back by 7:00, promise."
"Ok. What time are you leaving?"
"About 3:45, why?"
I looked at the clock "It's 3:56 right now..."
"What?! Crap! See ya Kao!" and with that he raced out the door, leaving me to fall victim to my thoughts again. For 3 hours...
i just sat there, staring at the doorway, halfheartedly hoping he would come back...
Thats when it happened. I had an incredibly stupid Idea. I was going to write down my feelings and the things that make me happy. Maybe things will go back to normal if I become happier?
It was a very stupid idea, but it was worth a shot anyway.
I went back to my room and pulled my cellphone from the charger. I decided to write in the 'Notes' section of my phone instead of actual paper. I'd seen too many Animes where they would write in a Journal or a Diary or something else that was hard to hide or get rid of. I wasn't that stupid.
I fell back onto my bed, staring at the blank screen, deciding what to write. Well anything I guess.
Hello, my name is Kaoru Hitachiin and I am a happy person.
The childishness of the sentence I had written put a small smile on my face, but I still wasn't happy...
Hello, My name is Kaoru Hitachiin. The above sentence was a lie. I'm not happy. I've never been happy. I never will be happy. My purpose in life has been to keep my brother from living a happy fulfilling life. I don't even exist in this world. I'm just a makeshift copy of my brother and only mirrors have been able to show the truth.
I closed my phone and started to stare at my ceiling. What am I doing? All I've done is made myself feel worse. I rolled my head to look at my phone and started typing again.
Things Kaoru's like:
Pancakes!
Watching fat people fall down
The country of Spain
Italian food
Music?
Hosting
Haruhi 3
Hikaru :3
"Everyone else"
Pranking
Spicy things
Designing clothes
The coffee Haruhi makes me
Flower arranging
Tono' happy-go-lucky attitude
Stepping on autumn leaves
Summer breezes
Snowball fights
Cherry blossoms
Ifkdov&v7j h8 &v$( jfi(8:
I got mad and started pressing random keys. This was so stupid! I like all these things but they dont make me feel any better! I dropped the phone on the bed and started rubbing my face with my hands again, thinking.
Maybe I'll just take this day by day. I'll look for one thing that made the day worth living and write it in my phone. That way there's always something to look forward to.
I picked it back up "What was good about today?"
I thought about it for a long time before finally moving my thumbs across the keys again and smiling.
Things that made life worth living:
-Playing with Hikaru
(A/N) And thats the end of chapter 12. This was Kaoru's attempt at ignoring his mind, but for how long can he keep this up...
Kinda feels like I rambled a bit with this chapter, though.