No Trivia

by WellWishes

"Would you be depressed, if I attend that wedding, but only as a guest?" Can Tori watch Jade walk down the aisle and let her slip away? Future fic. Based on the song No Trivia by From Autumn to Ashes

2. I'm The Best At Ruining My Life

A/N: Due to popular demand, I bring you another chapter of No Trivia. Originally, it was never going to have an ending, but with all of you lovely... some a little threatening... reviews and some help from the song I'm The Best At Ruining My Life, also by From Autumn to Ashes, this appeared.

Again, I don't know if I'll continue after this one. It may be a satisfying ending for you, some may want more. Either way, I'll be happy, I guess it depends on inspiration. I'll leave it open for now, but no promises.

Anyway, enjoy!

(Same rules apply: Song lyrics in Bold italics, Flashbacks in italics.)

---

It was painful to hear the words "I do" fall from Becks mouth with such certainty and such love. It hurt to see him smile as the man in the black suit, white shirt and long black tie then turned to Jade repeating his question.

But she hesitated. Her eyes were not fixed upon the man professing his love to her, the boy saying he wished nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with her, but instead they roamed the crowd of anxiously awaiting people. It didn't take long until those shining emeralds met my own eyes, the fear and uncertainty clear behind them. I stared right back, my bottom lip caught between my teeth, willing her to say no, pleading with her one final time, as selfish and petty as it may be, before the eye contact broke and she turned back to Beck.

She gulped.

"I do."

It was barely a whisper but it echoed loudly through the hall. The two small words reached out like vines, wrapping their way around my heart, my lungs, every vital organ they could touch, and they squeezed. Squeezed so hard I was sure I was suffocating. My vision distorted, I swayed.

"You may kiss the bride."

Almost everyone was crying now: their (birth) mothers, the bridesmaids, Robbie was blubbering like a baby beside me, but the tears I shed, ones I hadn't even noticed, pouring down my cheeks like waterfalls, were for an entirely different reason.

She chose him.

It was over.

Things blurred by. People were clapping, cheering, congratulating. Confetti was already being thrown as the happy couple- now man and wife- walked down the aisle arm in arm, both grinning from ear to ear, and there was no quick glance in my direction this time. No hesitation. No going back.

I was last, left alone in the huge room with its long wooden benches that had been filled, just seconds ago, with a happy crowd of people. With the archway of flowers, the stupid organ in the corner that the organist had now abandoned and the brightly coloured flakes of paper that now littered the floor; it all made me sick. Despite Andre's trying-to-be reassuring smile or Robbie's insistence that we leave for the reception together, I couldn't move. I was frozen in place, struggling to breath, every limb felt stiff as if I'd just looked into the eyes of Medusa and had been turned to stone.

Now what?

I felt a large, warm hand enclose over my shoulder and the familiar, yet stronger than I remembered, smell of coconut milk invaded my nostrils. I don't know if it was his sudden appearance behind me or his drastic change in clothing that shocked me more, being so used to the bright, eccentric colours that he'd wear everyday to school, it certainly was a sight to see Sikowitz in a deep plum suit, black shirt, white tie, and with his solemn look, he looked more like a funeral attendee than a wedding guest. His lips twitched into a sympathetic smile as he looked down at me, his palm patting softly on my shoulder blade.

"You know that janitor's closet has a window, right?"

I felt my cheeks redden as I instantly caught on.

"It's not that I intentionally looked." He added in defence "But you two were never the quietest under normal circumstances, I was just walking by and needed to investigate all the noise-"

"Okay! Okay!" I interrupted, feeling my embarrassment grow.

He smiled warmly. "It wasn't just that, though. I could tell by the way you looked at her, the way she looked at you when she thought no one would notice." He sighed. "I was always rooting for you, kid."

With one last sigh, Sikowitz walked away, leaving me truly alone now. I'm sure he meant to comfort me, but his words were doing the exact opposite. They just made me feel more longing, wishing for those care free days where they'd break up and Jade would spend more time with me. Those days I could forget everything else and think of her as my girlfriend.

We were a tangled mass of limbs, sweaty, out of breath, a satisfied smile on each of our faces.

Jade had arrived at my door around an hour ago. She didn't say a word, just grabbed my wrist and yanked me upstairs to my bedroom and I silently thanked God that my parents and Trina were out of the house, because those unsaid words soon turned to screams and cries of ecstasy, moaned names reverberating around the walls in lust. Now only our heavy breathing filled the air.

"What did you two argue about this time?" I yawned, hoping to sound as if I didn't care. It had become a frequent habit of Jade's, to come running to me after her and Beck had had an argument, but lately it was becoming more and more often. Just the other day she had cornered me in the girls' bathroom after she'd yelled at Beck for merely looking at another girl. Those cramped stalls aren't the most comfortable places.

It had crossed my mind that I was being used, but I just couldn't say no.

"It wasn't him." Jade replied with an even louder yawn. "It was my dad. He got mad because he found me cutting up one of his best ties."

"Why were you cutting up one of his best ties?"

Jade shrugged. "Felt like it."

She was lying on her back, her arms behind her head that rested on her linked fingers. She stared unseeing at my ceiling, barely reacting when I trailed my nails softly across her bare stomach, circling her bellybutton, watching the light pink marks fade on the pale skin.

"I broke up with Beck." She blurted out after a few minutes silence, causing me to jump at this sudden admission.

"You broke up with-"I couldn't say his name. "Why?"

Jade shrugged again. "He kept asking stupid questions. 'What's wrong?', 'Why are you acting this way?' It got annoying. So, I told him if he didn't stop asking questions, we're over. Then he said 'why?'"

I fought not to roll my eyes. It was the most ridiculous reason to break up with someone; anyone could tell there was more to it than that. I decided not to ask; if she could break up with Beck over questions, I didn't want to risk it. Not that we were together or anything- at least, not officially- but I'd give anything for our moments like this.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

If my head hadn't been resting on her chest, listening to her soothing heartbeat, I wouldn't have believed Jade said that. I shifted to look up at her, finding those soft, yet icy eyes looking down at me with an emotion I couldn't recognise. I nodded and cuddled closer to her.

Jade's fingers stroked through my tangled hair as she breathed a word "Thanks." And I fell asleep with a grin plastered across my face. For, tonight, she was mine, and only mine.

Three days later, they were back together, as if nothing had ever happened.

They had to forcibly remove me from the manor house so they could clean it up for the next function. I was numb, nodding dumbly along with whatever the guy was saying to me about taxis and the best way out of here, but the second I was out the door, I just let my feet carry me wherever they may. It wasn't long before a wobbly step caused me to come crashing to the ground, falling to my knees. The dam burst. Tears spilled. I was broken.

Farewell to all the days you were
Within my reach

Xxx

I've boarded up the windows,
To keep the morning from intrusion,
I've left it on the doorknob,
Could you please just not disturb?
On days like this we find it so hard to push ourselves up and out of bed,
When nothing falls in favour of

Two or so weeks after the wedding found me lying face down on my couch, a bottle of something I no longer cared to learn the name of left empty on my floor. Somehow, Andre had found me that evening I'd broken down; I suppose it was because I'd barely left the manor house grounds before I collapsed into a puddle of sobs and tears. I knew I shouldn't have got my hopes up, like Jade would ever change, but a small part of me- a selfish, needy, desperate part of me- hoped that maybe, just maybe, she'd pick me.

I'd called in sick so many times the studio was close to giving me a 'permanent vacation'. Andre had been over a few times, trying to cheer me up, tell me everything's going to be okay, but he was so busy with his own work that any visit was short and did nothing to help me. No one else bothered to make an appearance. I barely moved, just from my bed to the kitchen to the couch and back, with the occasional bathroom break and trip to the store. And being in some state of drunkenness the whole time, I became a zombie.

I was on the edge of sleep when my doorbell rang, the loud, high-pitched noise piercing my eardrums. I grumbled incoherently as I struggled to my feet, kicking another couple of empty bottles out of the way as I staggered towards the door. They rolled towards the television, clinking together all the while, doing nothing to help my pounding head.

"HI!" I was greeted by another high-pitched noise as I yanked the door open. A blur of red suddenly held me tight in a vice like grip that knocked all the air from my body and made me lose my already shaking balance. If she hadn't have been squeezing me so hard, holding me captive in an upright position, I would've fallen over backwards. Instead, I stumbled into the wall in shock.

"Alright, Cat, you can let go now." I groaned, prising her arms from around my rib cage, which I'm pretty sure were bruised from the pressure.

Cat pulled back grinning, then started sniffing the air. "Why do you smell like hobo?"

"Smell like… what?"

"Whenever I see a hobo on the street, they smell like this." She gestured her hand out, indicating whatever it is she could smell, something I couldn't. "Is it a new air freshener you bought?"

"Uh, no. I don't think so." I said, puzzled, as I lead her into my living room. Cat bounced her way through until her foot connected with one of the stray bottles and she just caught herself in time to stop tripping over it.

"Why do you have so many empty bottles, Tori?" She asked, glancing around at the few I'd stupidly left lying around the room. Trash day was tomorrow, I'd throw them out then. "Are you starting a recycling business?"

Poor, oblivious Cat. "No." I responded, gathering the bottles up and setting them in the box by the front door. "Just, you know…collecting them?"

Cat knelt down to pick the bottle off the floor and blinked curiously up at me as she handed it over. I know I must look a mess; I hadn't showered in a couple of days because I just couldn't muster the energy to do so. Besides, there's something about standing under the warm, streaming water that always puts my mind into over drive, always makes me think the things I'd been trying to block out before hand. Last time I showered, I broke down into a sobbing wreck just like before, and I couldn't handle that happening again.

"You look sad, Tori." The soft words were coupled with a pout and the sympathetic look in her eyes and it almost doubled the pain I was already feeling.

"Yeah, well…" I spun the empty bottle between my fingers, unsure of what to say. A lie would be too easy to see through, the truth I'm not sure Cat could handle. "I've not been feeling myself lately, I'll be alright though."

Cat titled her head to one side, her long eyelashes fluttering over her huge, golden brown eyes. A soft sigh escaped her gloss smothered lips. "Andre said you were sad, but he didn't say why. Is it about Jade?"

I'd turned to the sink, ready to wash up a couple of plates I'd left lying there for a few days, but was stopped in my tracks. How could she possibly know? Did Jade tell her? Andre? Or was I just that obvious?

"She was just stressed at the wedding!" Cat continued, following me to where I was now frozen. "Whatever she said, or did, I'm sure she didn't mean it. You know what Jade's like, she gets really mad, then she's really mean, but she doesn't mean it all the time."

I left out a shuddering breath of relief, but it did nothing to ebb my mood. Maybe Cat was right and Jade didn't mean what she said or did in the manor house bedroom, maybe it was just one last goodbye to the outlet she'd been using for so long, for her pain, for her needs, for everything we were together. My grip on the side of the cold, stainless steel sink tightened, feeling my knees sink slightly as I tried to stay in control of my emotions. I couldn't break down again, especially not in front of Cat.

"Tori?" the shorter girl said my name in a quiet, tentative voice and I felt her hand rest on the small of my back. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

I tried to nod, not trusting my voice, but my head jerked rather unconvincingly.

"Would you like me to stay over? I am in town for the next week, and I was going to look for a hotel, but…" She trailed off, chewing her bottom lip.

"Sure, Cat. That would be nice." I finally controlled myself enough to respond to my friends' hopeful question. "Just… just let me get the spare room ready for you."

"Kay, kay!" Cat giggled, bouncing up as if there were no heavy tension of my misery lingering around us. "I'll just go to my car and get my bags, be right back!"

Cat and I had stayed up 'til late, chatting and watching movies, catching up with each others lives. We'd spoken and seen each other quite a lot since high school, but the meetings were usually very brief and I'd never quite got the whole picture of what she was doing with her life.

She'd followed Jade to Broadway, but instead of taking the writing and directing route like her best friend, she set her sights on performing on the Broadway stage. She got to live out her dream, Cat had been in so many plays since she'd left Hollywood Arts that I got lost part way through her naming each one and just nodded with my mouth slightly agape. She was a very popular choice when it came to casting, it seemed. Her charisma and enthusiasm coupled with that voice and such a stage presence for someone so small, the audience just ate her up whenever she was on.

She rattled on about some of the guys she had dated, relationships that didn't last all too long, either because of conflicting work schedules they couldn't get around, or said boys inability to just get Cat's whole personality, something that always held the poor girl back. I felt a twinge of jealousy, knowing Cat could go through relationships without a care, hearing how far she'd gotten in her career while I was still hauled up in a studio working relentlessly on my debut album. But I quashed it. It wasn't her fault I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity to make something of my life.

We finally crashed around 1am. The sugar rush from all the ice cream- we'd made a dash to the corner store around 10ish- and candy Cat had been cramming down her throat had finally warn off and she was dozing quietly on my shoulder. She had managed to distract me from Jade related despair for a short while, but once I'd shooed her away to sleep, I was left lying in my own bed, staring up at the darkened ceiling, with nothing but my own thoughts for company.

"Vega. You know, that didn't sound half bad… for you."

I had just walked out of the bathroom, wrapped up in a towel with my hair dripping from the shower I'd taken. Jade was sprawled out on my couch, the muted TV playing in front of her although her eyes remained on the bowl of cereal clasped in one hand.

"What didn't?" I questioned, rubbing my hair with the little towel I'd brought out with me, hoping to soak up as much water to avoid creating a puddle on my floor.

"Whatever you were singing in there." She gestured her spoon towards the bathroom door before turning to face me, eyeing me up and down when she saw how little I had on, and smirked. "You going to put that on your album?"

I was taken aback. I had been singing in the shower, to a song I'd been working on yet still hadn't perfected, and this was the first time Jade had taken any interest in what I was doing. Any time I'd try to talk to her about my life, it looked to me as if she'd tuned out, her rhythmic nodding detached from the one sided conversation and the odd hum of agreement sounding uninterested. Had she really been paying attention all that time?

"Uh, yeah." I smiled, taking a step further into the room. "I've been working on it for a while, but there's just something missing."

"Come here." She scooted up from where she was taking up the whole sofa and patted the seat next to her.

"Don't you think I should put some clothes on first?" I asked, earning a scoff then a large piece of material thrown in my face. I peeled it off to reveal the shirt Jade had been using as pyjamas the previous night and had been wearing just seconds ago.

"There, clothes." She smirked, now in just a bra and matching panties. "It's not like I haven't seen you in much less before." She added with a wink, and I was thankful I was pulling the material over my head at that very moment as it hid the blush forming on my cheeks.

We ended up sitting on the floor of my apartment, separated only by a notebook as we worked on my song, filling in missing lyrics, changing the melody up a little bit, managing to work out all the kinks and little bits I couldn't figure out for myself. It was like we were back at school, sitting on a rug in either of our rooms- usually mine- working on our latest homework assignment together. Only, this time, Jade was doing it out of choice, rather than having a teacher force us together 'so we can learn to get along better'. Oh, what they didn't know.

"You should end it going up to a higher note." Jade commented, tapping her pencil against the final word on the page. "You know, like you did with You're the Reason. Think of it like that, only, you didn't write it for Trina."

"How do you know I didn't write it for Trina?" I retaliated stupidly, knowing perfectly well the person I'd pictured while writing was sat right in front of me.

"It's a sappy love song, Vega." Jade rolled her eyes. "I should hope it's not about your brain dead sister… unless there's something you want to get off your chest?"

She waggled her eyebrows and I cringed, tossing my pencil her way. "Gross, Jade."

We laughed until Jade's phone went off, a text from Beck asking when she'd be back because he was missing her- she had been gone three days already, spending all her time in my apartment when she was meant to be visiting her father for his birthday. I busied myself with getting changed into some actual clothes while she text him back but it wasn't long before I felt arms snake around my waist, lips peck lightly over my neck until teeth grazed over my earlobe, and any thoughts of putting clothes on were quickly washed away.

"Tori?"

I was woken up from my memory masquerading as a dream by the sound of Cat's scared voice. I blinked myself awake, trying to distinguish her in the dark room, just making out her outline silhouetted by the moonlight leaking in though a gap in the curtains. It was only 3am, 2 hours after we'd gone to bed.

"Tori, can I stay with you tonight? I had a bad dream."

She really hadn't changed much since school. In fact, I'd say she was becoming more child-like with age instead of growing up. I shifted in my bed, not bothering to respond, just making room for her to squeeze in. I felt the bed sink beside me, felt more than heard Cat's whisper of thanks, and drifted off yet again.

Xxx

I have so many things
I would like to explain to you
But I don't know just how to
Communicate

The next morning, Cat bounced around my house before tackling me in another hug, saying she was going off to find a hotel to stay in. I quickly shot that idea down, insisting she stay here at mine, she was my friend after all and I knew that having her around for the week, I'd be able to pick myself up from the state I had gotten myself in.

It worked. My liquor intake depleted rapidly, mostly due to the fact that Cat wasn't big on drinking, but also because I was running out anyway. We actually went grocery shopping the day after she arrived, for real food, before I dropped my excuse of being ill and went back to work, while Cat went off to the meeting she was in town for.

That was her fault, actually. The studio called that very morning, asking if I were well enough to work today because we can't keep putting this off. Cat had answered while I was in the shower, telling them I definitely seemed better and she would make sure I was there asap, leaving me no choice but to go in and work. It was definitely a good thing; I was able to throw myself back into my music, which became very therapeutic, with me writing a song with lyrics and a meaning that was very different from what I had started out with. Andre would be proud; he always said music was the best medicine.

On Cat's last night, he invited himself over to my flat and the three of us ended up watching movies and eating tons of junk food, just like we would while we were at school. It was nice, if a little awkward at times when Andre would throw glances my way as if I were about to collapse sideways and start balling my eyes out at any given moment. I hadn't since he found me lying face down in the gravel of the manor house and I wasn't about to start now. Cat had been a great distraction for the week and I was going to miss it greatly when she left, but I figured if I had to move on, I best start now.

The third movie came to an end and Andre grabbed his jacket before hugging and kissing the both of us on the cheek.

"Don't forget to keep in touch, Cat." He reminded, slipping his arms into the leather. "I miss my little red headed bundle of fun."

"What's that supposed to mean!" Cat cried. Andre just shook his head, patted her on the shoulder and turned to embrace me.

"If you ever need anything, you know you can call me." He whispered in my ear.

"You've done enough." I murmured back, pressing my nose to his shoulder, taking in the mucky scent that was my best friend. Why couldn't I have fallen for him? He was so warm, so comforting. He wouldn't smash my heart into tiny pieces and step on all the shards. "It's my turn now."

He nodded and pulled away, bidding the two of us a final farewell before closing my door in his wake. I stared at the sleek wood with a half-hearted smile until I felt my wrist being tugged, as if a small child were trying to gain my attention. I looked down, momentarily startled to find Cat gazing back up at me, her thin, pink nailed fingers looking out of place wrapped around my tan skin.

"Tori?" It was a pitiful plea she used when she wanted to get her way. "Can I stay in your room again tonight? Like when I used to when we did The Funny Nugget Show. I miss that."

I couldn't help my smile turning into a full on grin at the memory of our random, 3am segment on TheSlap. "I miss them too." I replied quietly, slipping my wrist away from her grasp so I could thread my fingers into the small gaps between her own. "Come on, you. Let's have a sleepover, like the good old days."

"Yay!" Cat squealed in excitement. She'd changed into her pyjama's between the second and third movies, so she diving straight into my bed while I dressed in the small bathroom between my bedroom and the guests, which I used more as a study.

I ended up telling her a bedtime story, something my mom used to read to me when I was off sick from school, and she fell asleep sucking her thumb. I found myself watching her sleeping form, wishing I could be in her world, where things were still so child-like and innocent, and heart break lasted just seconds before something much better grabbed my short attention.

After what felt like hours of just staring up at the ceiling, dreaming of what it would be like to still be so care free, I drifted off too, into an oddly comforting sleep.

I was curled up with my Cuddle Me Cathy doll tucked tightly in the crook of my elbow, pressed snugly to my body for comfort. I may be eighteen, but I'd had my doll for as long as I could remember, and she was still the only thing that could make me feel any better when I was fighting illness.

I was faintly aware of some form of yelling coming from downstairs, but I brushed it off, far too exhausted and sick to care about whatever Trina's latest dilemma was. The spotlight had been on me most of this week, with mom and dad caring about the daughter who was tucked up in bed, feeling too ill to go to school, so my sister had to find a way to bring focus back to her in any way possible, which usually consisted of her whinging about something or other.

Her complaining was reduced to background noise in my ears, that was until the sound of heavy booted footsteps made their way up the stairs and became louder and louder until they stopped abruptly outside of my door. It wasn't Trina, her foot falls we more scattered sounds of high heels clicking frantically against the polished, wooden floor; she never wore such stable sounding footwear.

I had an inkling of who it might be, and those suspicions were confirmed true when my door was thrown open rather unceremoniously. Jade strutted in, a cocky smirk plastered across her face, and stood in front of me, one hand resting on her jutted out hip, the other thrusting some paper under my nose.

"You may be on bed rest, Vega, but even poor little old you can't get away without doing your homework."

"I don't talk like that." I muttered half heartedly into my pillow, snatching the paper away from my face. "Why are you here anyway?"

"I just said, didn't I?" Jade rolled her eyes and plonked herself on my bed, just by my legs.

I sat up straight to see her better. "Yeah, but Cat, Andre and Robbie have been bringing me my homework all week. In much nicer ways, might I add."

"Yeah, well." She shrugged, before an amused smirk pulled at the corners of her mouth. "Awww! Wittle baby Towi needs her dolly to get to sweep?"

My cheeks flared up bright red when I realised I was still cuddling my Cathy doll under my arm. I tried to stuff the toy out of sight, under my bed covers, like hiding her now would've stopped Jade from seeing her seconds ago, but the dark haired girl caught a hold of an arm between two fingers and easily jerked her from my grasp.

"Gimme her back!" I attempted to snap, but it came out more as a pathetic whine, my arms flailed uselessly as I tried to get to my doll.

"Really?" Jade laughed, swinging Cathy from side to side. "Sometimes, Vega, I swear you're too much like Cat for your own good." She threw Cathy back in my face and I caught her quickly, hugging her close to my chest.

"Jade, just… just go away." I sighed, exhausted. "I'm in no mood for whatever the hell it is you want from me today. If you and Beck have had another argument, you'll have to find another way to deal with it."

Jade's soft smile from laughing at me changed to a scowl in the blink of an eye. "Maybe I just came to give you your homework, Vega." She growled.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you still here?" I questioned with equal annoyance.

Jade jumped off the bed as if it had just electrocuted her and I felt my heart drop. I hadn't meant to retort in such a way, but my head cold was making me irritable. I just wanted some peace, quiet and sleep, something Trina's incessant need for attention wouldn't let me have.

"Jade, I'm sorry." I snuffled, reaching for the other girl who quickly retracted her hand from my reach. "I didn't mean to-"

"Save it, Vega." Jade interrupted. "Did it ever cross your one track mind that I might not be here for that?"

I swallowed, unable to form a response as my mind slowly processed the words.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Jade span on her heel to face me. "Oh, and by the way, as you seem so concerned, Beck and I are just fine, thanks." She added sarcastically.

My fingers fiddled uncomfortably with the corner of my duvet, my head hung, unable to look up at the scowling girl. "I'm sorry." I mumbled sheepishly.

"Whatever." Jade deadpanned. "I've given you your homework, good deed done, or whatever, so, you know. Bye."

I sniffled again, rubbing my sore, red nose with the back of my hand as I finally looked up to Jade. I knew my gazed was pitiful, even more so with this damn fever, but I'm sure I saw something flicker in that otherwise blank expression.

"Stay?" I hadn't even realised I said it out loud until Jade shook her head.

"I can't. I promised I'd go see Beck." Maybe I was imagining it in my cough medicine filled delirium, but I was sure there was a hint of regret to her tone. None the less, it hurt.

Then Jade did something I think neither of us ever expected. With two easy strides, she crossed over to where I was propped up against my pillows. Her fingers slid into my hair, not in the forcefully rough way I had grown used too from her, but gentle, just enough to bring me forward as she pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. My eyelids closed and my heart fluttered, skipping a beat as a shuddering sigh escaped me.

Wordlessly, she pulled away, exiting my room without a single glance back. And if it wasn't for the dull pain of a headache thumping against my forehead, I would've been sure I was dreaming.

My eyes snapped open at the sound of a crash within my apartment. Beside me, Cat awkwardly shot upright from the position she had been curled in, the moonlight illuminating the fear in her bright brown eyes.

"What was that?" She whispered with a squeak.

"I don't know." I replied equally as quiet, sitting myself up, straining my ears for more sounds.

The second crash made both Cat and I jump, and the string of curse words that followed in a hushed voice doubled the tempo of my already hammering heart. I knew that voice anywhere, but… there's no way…

My bedroom door creaked open and my gasp of surprise was swallowed by the sound of Cat's sigh of relief.

"Jade!" The red head squealed in delight. "We thought you were a robber! Or a crazy axe murderer! Or my brother. One time, my brother came home really late and he-"

"What are you doing here?" Jade cut off Cat's rambles with the harshly spat question, her eyes narrowed in on the smallest girl.

"We're having a sleepover!" Cat replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Did Tori invite you too? 'Cause you're late."

The dagger-like glare shifted to me and I gulped. "I-it's not what you're thinking."

"Oh? And just what am I thinking, Vega?" Jade's tone was low, menacing, as she strolled into the dark room.

"I- I… well… you know…" I stuttered lamely, unable to find my voice amongst the shock and confusion. Jade's eyebrow raised, the stud she'd had for as long as I'd known her glinting in the moonlight. "W-what are you doing here, Jade?" I managed to get out.

She scoffed as if she couldn't believe I was asking such a question. "Beck's away working on some movie already." She answered, waving a dismissive hand.

"Then why are you here?" I repeated firmly. "Jade, you're married now, you can't just-"

"I can do whatever I damn well want!" She spoke over me with a snarl. "But I can see you move on fast, Vega. How long has this little arrangement been going on?"

She gestured between me and a very confused looking Cat, whose wide eyes were darting back and forth between Jade and I, her eyebrows creased as she tried to cotton on to the conversation. I felt the anger bubble inside of me. She had no right to be here, to just break into my house in the dead of night and expect everything to be okay…. Although, it wasn't the first time she'd done such a thing.

"Get out, Jade." I said, keeping my voice as low and dangerous as hers. I pushed myself out of bed, strolling over to her, and it was then I caught the distinct smell of vodka on her breath, the smoke on her clothes. Some surprise, even concern, ebbed at my anger. "You drove here drunk?"

"Ha!" I hadn't noticed her slurred speech when she was spitting angry words in my direction. "You think I'm that stupid? I was in that place down the street for ages 'til they kicked me out at closing time."

"Why?" Why couldn't I be angry at her? Why did I care? Why the hell was she here?

She exaggerated a sigh, stumbling a little on her unsteady feet. At least it explained all the noise she made as she came in. Placing her hand on top of my dresser to stay steady, Jade took a second to collect herself.

"Because… because I can't deal, Vega" She said after a while of silence, her voice wavering. "I can't deal with this, or you, or Beck, or anything! It's confusing and I don't want it! I never wanted it! Why won't you just leave me alone?"

My anger burned, I'd all but forgotten that Cat was still in the room. "If you never wanted it, why the hell did you start it!" I yelled back.

"You started it!" She retorted, like a child in the middle of a tantrum. "You kissed me first! You made me have all these- these feelings and junk that I was trying to forget about!"

The loud gasp startled us both out of our fixated, angry glares at one another.

"You guys kissed?" Cat whispered, her voice muffled by the hand covering her mouth.

"More than kissed." Jade snorted, more to herself than Cat, but the other girl still heard her.

"But…" Cats face contorted in a mixture of confusion and anger. "You and Beck-"

"I've cheated on him, yeah!" Jade slurred in a shout, sounding almost amused. "I've been cheating on him with Saint Vega here and it's fucking with my head!"

Her arms were waving dramatically, enough to cause her to stumble and collapse onto the end of my bed, slumping into the mattress. She hung her head, resting her elbows on each knee, threading her fingers into her hair which she gripped hard, breathing heavy.

"Why can't I get you out of my head!" Jade growled into her palms. "I wasn't meant to have feelings for you! You were just meant to be there to make me feel better. Whenever I felt like Beck no longer loved me I could count on feeling something from you! But I was never meant to return it! Fuck!"

She tore her hands from her head and beat a fist into the bed. Her eyes, darken blue by the night, were sparkling with the tears that streamed down her face, running her thick, black make up over her reddened cheeks. I could see all the heartbreak I felt reflected in her broken form, could feel her pain as my own. My knees buckled as I made my way towards her.

"Jade-"

"Don't touch me!" She snarled, but it wasn't aimed at me. Cat had crawled over to Jade, her hand hovering just an inch from the girls back.

Cat retreated, moving so she was knelt in the middle of my bed. I watched as her gaze flicked between Jade's slouched form in front of her and me still stood to the side. She looked as if she were trying to process everything with the small amount of information she'd received, and she didn't look happy.

"I can't believe you've done this. Either of you." The smallest girl said slowly, quietly, now staring wide eyed at the opposite wall. I've never heard her sound so serious. "Jade, you of all people should know how bad cheating is. Look at what it did to your family! How it tore you apart when you were just a kid!"

"WELL, MAYBE IT'S IN MY DNA OR SOMETHING!" Jade snapped back, anger rising. "MAYBE I'M MEANT TO CHEAT LIKE MY FATHER, OR MESS UP EVERY RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER BEEN IN LIKE MY MOTHER!" She took a deep breath, swallowing back her tears. "Maybe I'm meant to mess up everything that makes me happy."

I finally took a seat next to Jade, who flinched away the instant I was near. I wanted to be angry with her, to resent her, to scream and shout and let all the pain I'd been feeling since her wedding come flooding out in harsh words and brutal tears. But I couldn't. She felt the same as me. Just as hurt, just as confused. Now I didn't know what to do.

"Jade." I repeated her name in a sigh. "You made your choice at the wedding. You can't just come waltzing back in here like nothing has changed. You chose Beck, not me."

"Why can't I have both of you, like I did before!" She blurted angrily.

"Because that's not how love works!" I shouted, balling my hands into fists at my knees, remembering all the love stories I'd read while growing up and how I wished my life would turn out like them. Oh, how wrong I was. "You're meant to fall in love with that one person, be with that one person for the rest of your life-"

"HA!" Jade cut me off with a loud, booming laugh, flinging herself from the bed. "I'm sorry, Vega, but love isn't how your precious little fairytales built it all up to be. Love is hard. Love hurts." She slammed her fist into her chest at her words as if it needed a visual representation."What did you think, I'd run away from my own wedding to be with you? We'd go skipping off into the sunset together and live happily ever after?"

I stood up too, falling just below her level with my bare feet, her own still encased in a pair of heavy black boots. But I managed to maintain eye contact as I prodded a finger to her chest.

"You think I don't know love hurts?" I seethed. "When I've been in love with the same girl since I stepped into that performing arts school? When I had to watch every day as she hung off her boyfriends arm, had to pretend it didn't kill me every time she slept with me and walked away? When I had to watch her walk down the aisle and get married to one of my best friends, knowing we'd fuc- no, we'd made love just moments before hand?"

"WHAT?" Once again I'd forgotten about Cat until her shrill voice cut over my words. "You- When I asked you to help with Jade's dress… you- you-"

I nodded, confirming what she couldn't bring herself to say. Cat swallowed back a hard lump in her throat before getting up off the bed herself, moving over to the door.

"I don't want anything to do with this." She said evenly, shaking her head. "This mess is yours and I don't want to be a part of it, knowing what you've been doing to Beck behind his back. I'm going to sleep in the spare room and hope that when I wake up, this will all be a dream."

She sounded so disappointed in us, enough to add another crack to my already splintered heart, but as the door closed to behind her, I stood my ground, watching Jade carefully as she seemed to suddenly gain a lot of interest in my floor. My first concern was her, maybe I could explain to Cat later…

"Why?" My voice broke. "Why come back now? Why couldn't you realise what a mess this was before you went and got married?"

"Why couldn't you?" Jade bit back. "Don't try and act like I'm the only one wrong in this. You knew exactly what you were doing too."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, letting out a shaky breath. It's not like I didn't know that. The guilt and anger had been eating away at me since she turned up on my doorstep with the invitation. I even had half a mind to run and tell Beck exactly what had been happening, I'd lose her either way, but I couldn't take away her happiness with Beck too.

"Because I want you." I murmured, the tears stinging the corners of my eyes. "I want you, but I want you to be happy and that's what Beck makes you. You may want me, but you need him."

Jade shook her head. "I never wanted you, Tori." She sighed, finally looking up. "I needed you more."

Then there were teeth and tongues, angry nips at swollen lips, discarded clothing tossed around as nails scraped bare skin. I didn't know how it happened or care how loud we were being or if Cat could hear us, or if the whole damn state could hear us, because I was so angry, so hurt, so confused and I needed this so badly. The cycle just continued. We couldn't break this habit, this undying addiction that ended up doing us more harm than good, but it was the only thing we knew. Maybe we could talk about it in the morning.

I can't take this body shaking
Dress and we'll begin
Nights can be so violent
When beds become vacant

Xxx

I've blown it once again
This would have been the last offense and
You should have been here months ago
With open arms and honest face
Address full doubt you've ever felt frustration, well I'm choking on it now
And it's the hardest thing for me to shake.

"So, you made it past the Balls of Pain?" Jades question was muffled as she caught my earlobe between her teeth, tugging lightly. "Yet you squatted to use their toilet?"

She came over the night after my first victory at The Gorilla Club, after she and Beck had had another little argument in my house. She said she didn't like the amount of time I was spending with her boyfriend and it took a lot of convincing to tell her that nothing was going on between the two of us and, in fact, I wasn't even enjoying any time with Beck, just looking at him brought up bad feelings in my gut. But here we were now, ending up the same way as we always do.

"It's disgusting in there." I murmured, my hands tracing patterns over her back. "Seriously, does the gorilla use it?"

Jade chuckled, her breath blowing over the damp bite now left on my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

"You couldn't be a bad girl if you tried." Her finger followed the path of the shiver and my knees became weak. "You're far too much of a goody goody. You melt at the slightest touch."

My vision clouded over and a gasp escaped me as lips were attached to my neck, sucking mercilessly at my pulse point. I squeezed my eyes tight shut, watching the light spots burst behind my lids, trying to force back the whimper that wanted to escape.

"I can be bad." I breathed when I came back to my senses.

I felt Jade's tongue swipe over the forming bruise followed by her signature smirk against my neck. "Prove it."

I grinned, pulling back a little to slip my hands slowly up to her shoulders, teasing the curls of her hair that hung by her ear. Without warning, I shoved her back, developing my own smirk as she slammed into my mattress and her eyebrows shot up in surprise. I sauntered purposefully towards her, crawling over until I was straddling her hips, leaning so our bodies were pressed together, my lips just inches from hers.

"That all you got, bad girl?" She purred teasingly.

I closed the small distance between us, attacking her mouth with biting kisses before forcing my tongue between her swollen lips, meeting hers in a passionate dance for dominance, successfully shutting her up. It wasn't long before clothes were clawed from our bodies, nails leaving sharp red lines down soft, pale skin, or else marking a path back my back, making me hiss with painful pleasure.

"You're still not bad enough, Vega." She breathed against my still clothed breasts, teeth raking exposed flesh.

"Well." I sucked in a breath. "If I can't be bad enough for you…"

I trailed off and with great effort, removed myself for Jade, standing up and away from the bed in just my bra and panties, smirking at the equally undressed girl. My hand rested on my hip, an eyebrow cocked as I watched her throw her head back with a groan.

"Fucking tease. That's not bad, that's just plain cruel."

"Oh, yeah?" I laughed, reaching around my back, fingers squeezing the clasp of my bra until it popped open. The material began to fall away from my body just as my bedroom door came crashing open.

"TORI!" Trina hollered, barging in, paying absolutely no mind to me- stood in the middle of my room, clutching my loose bra to my chest for cover- or Jade, who was still sprawled across my bed, half naked. Through my utter shock and embarrassment, I noticed the large headphones covering Trina's ears and her closed eyes as her head bobbed along to the Ke$ha song she was playing at full volume. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"TORI! I NEED TO BORROW YOUR GREEN TOP!" She screeched around the mouthful of the carrot she'd just taken a bite of.

Taking advantage of her lack of attention, I grabbed my dressing gown from the back of my chair, hurriedly throwing it on before tossing my spare one- there in case Trina decided to come along and steal the first- in Jade's direction, who sat up straighter and leisurely pulled the clothing item on.

"Here!" I growled, grabbing the shirt she'd been eyeing for a few weeks now and stuffing it into her arms. "I'm busy, now leave."

Trina's eyes snapped open at my tone, the ten inch heels she insisted on wearing everywhere she went making her look down at me.

"Wha-" She began, eyebrows shooting up then furrowing as she gawked from me to Jade.

"Rehearsing." I lied easily, pushing her back through the door, causing her to wobble on her unstable shoes. "Bye!" I slammed said door in her stunned face and lent back against the wood, mortified. If only the lock still worked, but Trina had broken it a while back when I refused to let her borrow my favourite pair of boots… I knew I should've gotten a new one straight away.

"You should see your face!" Jade's burst of laughter brought me back around. "I didn't know you could turn that shade of red!"

"It's not funny!" I whined, stomping over to her. "It's not fun having your own sister walking in on you… you know…"

Jade laughed even harder at my reaction. She grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into her lap and kissed my pouting lower lip, a sign of affection I'd never received.

"Such a bad girl attitude" She smirked, flipping us over so she hovered above me. "I think we're going to need to work on that."

I woke up to an empty bed, an empty house and an empty heart.

Cat had left a note on the kitchen counter explaining that she had to leave and did not want to get caught up in whatever was going on between Jade and I. She said we needed to sort it out soon, or else… we couldn't keep doing it to Beck.

It was the only evidence that Jade was here, the only evidence that it wasn't all a dream, besides the coffee table that had been knocked askew when she came in. The girl had left long before, and who knows when I'll see her next, if ever again.

"Fuck!" I hissed through gritted teeth, screwing up the note in my hand. I crashed my fist into the table top, leaning my other elbow on the counter so I could press my forehead to my palm, feeling another headache beginning. She said she needed me. She said she'd been using me but admitted to having feelings. Then she left, again. What was I supposed to do?

I crawled back into bed and slept away most of the day, hoping that each time I woke up, I'd find Jade lying by my side, her dark hair strewn across my white pillows, one hand balled up and gripping at the material by her head like it always did when she was dancing the line of consciousness. When she awoke, she'd always frown a little, her nose scrunching up as she tried to fight to stay asleep, but then the wrinkles would smooth and she'd sigh, losing her battle, but graciously so and would only speak once she'd had a cup of coffee in hand.

It was early evening by the time an alarm went off on my phone, a reminder I'd set weeks ago springing up on the screen. I stared blankly at the words for a while, debating whether or not I really wanted to leave the comfort, yet emptiness that was my bed, before deciding to honour the promise I'd made. I got up, showered and dressed in record time, ready to hit the town. I could use another distraction, just for now.

To say Trina had done well for herself after leaving Hollywood Arts… well, it wasn't exactly what I'd use. She'd done better than any of us expected, however, so as I walked down to the club only a few blocks from my apartment, I actually felt some excitement at seeing my sister perform.

A comedy club wasn't exactly where she wanted to end up when she talked about her hopes and dreams at school. It was far from the huge Hollywood movies and platinum albums she vowed she'd have by this time, but to everyone's surprise, Trina was enjoying every minute of it. It was only in her last half a year at HA when it finally hit her that maybe the dreams she had weren't exactly… within her reach, and after some persuading from students, teachers and our parents alike, she focused on something we all knew was more suited to her- comedy.

Now, every other Saturday night, after working her shift as a waitress at Maestro's, Trina would put on her one-woman comedy show for a very enthusiastic audience. Don't get me wrong, she still hadn't completely given up on her original dreams, the only reason she worked at Maestro's was that she was convinced, one day, they'd let her perform on their stage while some record producers dined. She still wanted to make it big, but she'd stepped back from how she used to be.

I sat towards the back at an empty table, wanting to be alone in a room full of rowdy regulars. Trina wouldn't mind, she'd just be happy I came. I'd been saying I'd come along for ages now, but something always came up, mainly someone I didn't want to think about at that moment, so today was the first time I'd actually seen her in action.

And it was good. Her slightly scripted, but mostly improvised performance brought me out of my dark mood with ease and had me in stitches along with the rest of the crowd. She'd sing, she'd dance and she'd eat up the applause she was starving for, enjoying all the attention thrown her way.

Ten minutes after her show ended, Trina plonked herself on the seat across from me with a drink in hand. "Finally decided to show your face then?" She winked at me, leaning back into her chair.

"I'm glad I did, you were great up there, Trine!" I managed to grin. It hadn't taken long for me to come down from my happy high, only for it to be replaced with that empty feeling all over again.

"Did you expect anything less?"

She chugged her drink, smiling at a couple of punters who came by to compliment her on the show. I kept my head down as they spoke, playing with the straw sticking out of my own glass, trying to think of a way to get out. It wasn't that I didn't want to see my sister, in fact, I hadn't seen her since my birthday and did miss her presence on occasion, but I was far from being in a social mood, especially with people getting steadily more drunk around me.

A warm, tan hand placed itself over my own, stilling it from playing with the straw I had been so occupied with. My gaze trailed up the long arm, ghosting over the strap of the silver sequined tank top until my eyes met the darker coffee brown of my sisters.

"Earth to Tori!"

"Sorry." I mumbled, blinking. "I spaced out a little."

"Yu huh." Trina sat back in her seat again, frowning at me. "What's wrong with you anyway? You look like you just found out mom threw out that Hug Me Katie doll or whatever."

"I don't want to talk about- wait, mom did what!" Trina waved a hand, dismissing my wide eyed concern. "But, my Cathy doll…"

"Shut up, mom hasn't really done that… I don't think… I was just using an example." Trina snatched my drink from where it sat untouched in front of me and took a long, noisy slurp through the straw. "So, are you going to tell me which loser broke your heart this time so I can go kick his ass?"

I smiled. It wasn't very often Trina put on the defensive sister act- She'd once offered to beat one guy to a pulp after finding out he was trying to hit on me when he already had a girlfriend- so I couldn't help but feel a little happy when she did. However, this situation was completely different.

"Look, Trina. I appreciate your concern, but I'd really rather not talk about it right now." I grabbed my drink back, removed the straw and took a large gulp. "Can we talk about something else instead?"

I shouldn't've said that. The permission to change topic automatically meant Trina went off on a ten minute rant about herself and everything she'd done since I last saw her. The shows she'd put on, the numerous dates she'd been on… "Hey, you'll never guess who I saw here yesterday!" She said after a long while, bringing me back from wherever my head had been in an attempt to avoid the conversation.

"Who?" I asked, uninterested.

"Jade." She smirked as my head jolted up at the sound of that particular name. "I came by to sort some last minute stuff out for tonight and bumped into her. I mean, literally bumped into her. She was staggering around all drunk, muttering something about stupid girls. I don't think she even recognised me." Trina pondered that for a moment. "No, she would've, I'm unforgettable. Anyway, didn't she just get married to that hot Beck guy?"

I almost choked on my drink. "Uh, yeah, she did. I was there."

"Ooh! Was it all, like, haunted mansion, creepy stuff, or in a graveyard or something?" Trina asked, leaning across the table for the gossip. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

"No, it was actually pretty normal. I don't think B- he would've allowed that…" I swallowed, not wanting to relive that day. "It was on Halloween though."

"Well, she had to do something creepy." Trina said, actually sounding disappointed that there was nothing more to it.

We remained quiet after that, something of an achievement for my sister, although she did sit there, watching me with a scrutinising glare that was making me uncomfortable. It got to the point I actually worried for her mental health all of a sudden, staring and not talking wasn't like Trina at all.

"What!" I finally snapped, paranoid.

She just laughed. "You know, 'rehearsing' is the oldest excuse in the book."

I blinked at her for a moment before it dawned on me what she meant.

"I'm not that stupid, Tor." She continued, eyeing me for a reaction. "At first, I chose not to believe what I was sure was going on, but after a while it became obvious. I mean, we've all seen the way you stare at her. Or how she'd be a complete gank to you, but you'd still be Miss Goody Two Shoes and help her out with everything. And don't think I didn't notice how much time you two spent in your room, when you'd stay downstairs if it were anyone else-"

"Alright! Alright!" I said quickly, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment once again. Was I really that obvious that even my self-absorbed sister noticed?

Trina laughed again, shaking her glass at a member of staff who was walking by, requesting a refill. After a little argument- in which he told her she had to actually go to the bar for more drinks and she shouted him down, saying she was the most important act here and she expected to be treated that way- he gave in, walking away to get her drink, which I wouldn't be surprised if it's contents now included spit.

"Look, Tor." She reached across the table again to take both my hands. "I don't care who you choose to be with… actually, I do. Stick with girls, then there's more guys for me!" I rolled my eyes; of course Trina would see it that way. "But Jade West? Really? She's been nothing but a ganky witch to you! What has to be wrong with your brain to want that?"

"Thanks for the pick me up, Trine." I muttered grumpily as the waiter came back with two fresh drinks, smiling as he slid one over to me. "But it's a little more complicated than that."

"How so?" She asked, raising an eyebrow as she took a long swig of her drink. Behind her, I could see the waiter watching and smirking and suddenly I wasn't so sure if I wanted my own drink any more. He caught my eye and shook his head, indicating that there was nothing wrong with my own, so I knocked it back in one gulp.

Then I let go. I launched into my life story, starting from the party so long ago, when I first realised what I felt. Even backtracking a bit too, when I first laid eyes on her, over Beck's shoulder in Sikowitz's classroom, her cold, hard eyes glaring me down and knocking the breath out of me from what I thought was fear at the time. Funny really, that I first fell while she was behind Beck's back. Trina actually sat and listened with rapt attention, only pausing to click her fingers at the same waiter for more drinks, which he didn't argue against this time after glancing at my half sobbing form.

By the time I'd reached what had happened last night, I was sure I was on the verge of another break down. I had never spoken to anyone about what was going on between Jade and I, Andre knew little bits and pieces but he never got the whole picture. Now I was sat in a bar full of strangers, spilling every last detail to my sister in a hushed tone that cracked on every other word with a weak cry or a hiccup. Once I'd finished, I felt drained, tired, pathetic, hurt, lost, lonely, confused… heartbroken.

"You don't do things in halves, do you, Tori?" She smiled once I'd finished.

I chucked to myself as I dapped the corner of my eye with my jacket sleeve, soaking up the well of tears. "I'm sorry, Trina. I didn't mean to go off like that. I must sound like a terrible, sad person."

"No, no, Tori. If anything, Jade is the terrible person." Trina reached over the table to take my hand. "You're just… hopeless."

"Oh, well, thanks." I said sarcastically.

"No! I don't mean like that… I mean, like, a hopeless romantic. That's what mom used to call you, isn't it? When you became obsessed with those romance novels you stashed under your bed. You're in love with the idea of love, or something. I can't remember what she said."

I started a little at the mention of those novels. I had become addicted to them in the last couple of years at school and had only picked one up because I was told it could help with a play we were putting on at the time, but once I read it, I soon became hooked.

Yet, the more I read, the less I found myself relating to the girl who fell in love with the guy who went off to war, who had made it to a happy ending and ran up into his muscular arms because he was the love of her life and she was never letting go again. I never quite got the stories of having a young sailor boy turn up at your door and falling hopelessly in love with him. It all seemed far too cheesy, even for me. It wasn't until I took a plunge, after a month or so of worrying, debating with myself and finally accepting that no one but myself would read it, I picked up my first lesbian romance novel and fell in love all over again.

It was just a couple of weeks after that fateful party, where I had walked on Beck and Jade only for everything to hurt. I was still trying to figure myself out and as I read the story, I began to understand and the other books were soon left unread, tucked into a corner under my bed. I'm not sure if my mom ever found that novel, it wasn't in with the stash of others, but it didn't spare me from an awkward talk afterwards, only saved by Trina barging in demanding something.

"You were ease dropping on that conversation, weren't you?" I accused.

"Well, you were just sat on the sofa in front of the tv. I was only at the top of the stairs for five minutes before I realised I was missing my shows!"

I shook my head at her and we lapsed into another silence, each pondering our own thing while we sipped our drinks. "I don't know what to do!" I broke, after a short while, with a pathetic whine.

Trina finished her drink up and grabbed my hand, tugging me out of my seat. "Come on."

"Where?" I asked, startled.

"Out. With me. We're hitting the town, cheering you up and making you forget all about that West chick. She's so not worth it, Tori."

"I- I don't think that's such a good idea." I stuttered in protest, but Trina was having none of it. After collecting her belongings backstage, I was dragged out of the door of the club, thrown into a taxi and forced into the heart of the Los Angeles night life.

Xxx

I have so many things
I would like to explain to you
But I don't know just how to
Communicate
I can't take this body shaking
Dress and we'll begin
Nights can be so violent
When beds become vacant

This time I woke up to a thumping head and sense of nausea and regret in a bed that was no longer empty. The sheets surrounding my naked body, cocooning me tight in place, smelt like sweat and shame and just the thought of it made bile burn at the back of my throat. I cracked my eyes to the unwelcome sunlight shining in on me and glanced around the unfamiliar room, trying to get my bearings and hopefully remember what had happened.

All I knew was I drank far too much.

The thick arm pinning me to the mattress had a familiar feel, something I hadn't known in years and then it was just for a brief period of time. I followed the slight tanned skin, a huge contrast to the pale white I was so used to, and found myself staring into a sleeping face that made my already upset stomach churn.

I hadn't see Ryder Daniels since I humiliated him in front of the entire school that night at the Full Moon Jam, and I'd hoped I'd never see him again. But now I was lying in bed next to the guy who had used me and tried to make a fool out of me all that time ago.

I'm never drinking again.

My fuzzy mind tried to piece back together exactly what had happened last night that had lead to this moment. Trina dragged me from bar, to club, to bar, pouring as much alcohol down my throat as she possibly could in an attempt to 'cheer me up' and I lost it somewhere between the third and fourth place, finally letting myself go enough to enjoy dancing and having fun with my sister, something I hadn't done in a long time.

We bumped into Ryder at the fifth place, a nightclub called 'The Ryde'- yes, spelt with a y- which we soon found out he owned. It was relatively new and he said he felt 'he was in a generous mood' and would let us in for free, seeing as he knew us. Even through my drunken haze I was sceptical, but Trina would not pass up an offer like that, so I found myself being towed inside and straight to the VIP area.

The music was booming so loud I could hardily hear myself think, the lights were dazzlingly bright, flashing their colours around the room like a spinning, neon vortex and I was lost in sensation.

Shots, pitchers and who knows what else later, I fell into him. My blissfully intoxicated mind told me he was familiar, he was there and he was comfort. The night went blank from there and I guessed that was how we'd ended up here.

I sat myself up, pushing his arm off me in disgust. How could I be so stupid? I couldn't even remember where Trina had gotten to, but I knew that if she was still there, she would never have let me go through with this, no matter how much she wanted me to forget about a certain someone else.

From my left, I heard a low chuckle muffled by a pillow, followed by a deep, satisfied groan that made me shudder.

"Looks like you came beggin' on your knees to me instead, Princess." Ryder mumbled sleepily, not even bothering to open his eyes, and murmured in a sing-song voice "Crawling like a centipede."

"I was drunk." I scoffed in defence, sick at the thought. "And desperate, apparently." I added in a mutter.

"Nah, you missed me." He rolled over to smirk up at me. "You may have been pissed off before because you figured I was just using you to get an easy A, but you can't resist the Daniels man."

I gave a shout of laughter, edging on the delirious. "You're a pig, Daniels. Last night was a mistake. My whole relationship with you before was a mistake and, mark my words, it'll never happen again."

"Alright, feisty!" He laughed, rolling back over again to swing his arm across my waist, which I promptly pushed off. "You're a lot more of an animal in bed now, more than I expected."

A cold shiver ran down my spine as I shook my head and bit my lip, feeling furious with him, with everything that lead me to here, but mostly with myself. At once, I threw the covers from my body, not caring that I had just bared myself to Ryder, who I could feel eyeing me up right now, and raced around the room, grabbing every article of clothing that had be tossed away last night and throwing them back on. I didn't want to be here, I never wanted to be here yet this is where I ended up. Not just Ryder's apartment, but my whole damn life. It just took waking up beside him to make me realise that I was skimming the ground of rock bottom, and now I needed to claw my way back up and out.

"Someone's in a hurry." Ryder commented as he watched me struggle to pull my shirt back over my head in my haste. He was sat up now, the covers of his bed barely covering his naked form and I couldn't look his way without wanting to puke. What did I ever see in him? Sure, he was still the same good looking guy as he was before, just a little older with a lot more stubble, but all I saw now was the arrogant bastard that he really was. The charming, gentle, nice guy act that girls used to fall for, probably still did, had worked its magic once again last night, but never again. I had to get out.

"You're disgusting, Daniels." I spat, grabbing my purse and walking over to the door in bare feet, my heels in hand. "And I wish I could say you were my biggest regret. Yet, somehow, you're not."

The slamming door cut off whatever he had to say and, after a quick search for his keys, I let myself out of his apartment and into the chill LA morning air. I had stepped into an alley between two blocks of flats I didn't recognise and I let out an exhausted sigh as I trudged towards the sidewalk in hopes of getting some sort of idea where I was. The Ryde was dead ahead, not looking quite so grand without all it's neon lights, but I had no clue how we had even gotten there last night, let alone how to get back. I shook my head in defeat.

It took me a couple of minutes to dig through the small purse I had brought out with me until my hand clasped around the pear shaped cell phone I had been searching for. There was very little battery life left, but just enough to make this one call I needed and check the couple of text messages I'd received, both from last night. The first was from Trina, telling me I'd have to find another way back to my place, and the other, again from my sister, was more of a string of random letters than actual words, but it looked like she was trying to tell me she'd hooked up with someone. I deleted them both and dialled the number I needed.

Andre picked up on the fifth ring and I couldn't help but cringe at how loud his voice sounded. "Hey, little lady. What can I do you for this early on a Sunday?"

"I need you to come pick me up." I pleaded into the receiver.

"Someone's sounding a little desperate." I could practically hear the worried frown on his face. "Where ya at?"

I looked around, hoping for a better landmark than the one in front. No luck. "Uh, you know that nightclub that opened recently, The Ryde?"

"That place owned by Ryder Daniels? Tori, what the hell are you doing there?"

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair; this guy catches on far too fast. "It's a long story. Could you just come pick me up before I resort to running as far away from this place as possible?"

The hesitant sigh let me know he wasn't going to drop it and would want the whole story the second I got in the car. "Alright. Be there in about ten minutes."

"Andre, thank you so much!" I gushed, pleased that finally something was going my way. "You're a life saver. I love you!"

"Yeah, yeah. Enough with the emotions and let me get in my car."

"Yes sir!" I grinned, blowing a noisy kiss down the phone before hanging up. But my slightly elevated mood fell as soon as the call was cut and I was once again alone on this unknown street.

A short while later, I heard the faint sound of a door closing somewhere behind me followed by heavy footsteps. It didn't take long before the strong smell of smoke filled my nostrils and an arm, connected to a bare torso, was thrown around my shoulders before I could duck away from it.

"You didn't even say goodbye, Princess" Ryder smirked around the cigarette stuck between his lips. His hair was still tousled from where he must've just dragged himself out of bed, his eyes still heavy with sleep and the hangover he must be sporting while a pair of loose, grey sweatpants hung off his hips, barely holding up.

"Goodbye." I deadpanned in response, rolling my shoulders so his arm fell.

He just threw his head back and laughed, letting the smoke pour out of his mouth and up into the air around me. I waved a hand in front of my nose and edged away. "Come on." He put on what I was sure was meant to be a seductive smile and winked. "Stay a little longer, you know you want to. The bed's still warm; we could go for round three."

Three? I gagged. "Not even if my life depended on it."

"Awww, you know how to hurt a guys feelings!" He put on an over the top pout that just made me want to punch him. "It's gotta beat standing around here trying to figure out a way back. Come on, Princess, we'll make it quick, like in the bathroom at the club-"

"NO! And would you STOP calling me that!" I spat, beyond irritated with the guy. Whatever was in my bloodstream last night needs to be taken off the shelves and marked as highly dangerous. I mean the bathroom, really Tori? "I've got a ride back, Andre will be here any minute and I'll never have to see you or this place ever again. Got it?"

Ryder's smarmy smirk dropped in an instant, replaced by a frown, as if he were trying to remember something. "Andre? Isn't he the one that helped you with that fucking song?"

"Yeah, he did help." It was my turn to smirk. "And he won't be happy to see you anywhere near me, so I'd leave if I were you."

"Why, are you two dating now?" He asked with dry amusement, ignoring what I'd said. "Oh, please tell me you're dating him now. That would be hilarious."

"We're just friends." I said, unable to help the sigh in my voice; I had said that so many times to so many different people it wasn't funny anymore. "Are you going to wazz off already?"

Ryder rolled his eyes at my tone, dropping the butt of his now finished cigarette to the floor and crushed it with his toe, despite not wearing any shoes. He stretched up, the joints in his arms and back clicking as he gave another satisfied groan, arching his spine in the weak morning sun. He relaxed again and turned to give me a soft smile, to which I just scowled and turned away. He sighed.

"You know, it was you all over me last night, so don't go acting like the better person when you wanted it just as much."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, rubbing my still pounding temple with my knuckles. "I was wasted, Ryder." I repeated. "And I've just come out of a bad… I don't even think I can call it a relationship, but it hurt, so I was probably beyond desperate too."

"Thanks." He said sarcastically. "And I got the gist of the bad break up thing last night. All I know was you were rambling on about marriage and love and shit like that. I eventually kissed you just to shut up you."

"Oh, well, thanks yourself." I retorted with sarcasm too.

Ryder ran a hand through his short, black hair, still smothered in gel from the night before- bits were stuck up at odd angles or else gluing themselves to the top of his head. He closed his eyes briefly and blew out a breath.

"Look, Tori. I know you hate me, and I guess I gave you a right to do so. But you're a good kid-"

"If this is going to be some sort of apology, Ryder, then save it. It won't work." I interrupted.

"I'm not trying to make anything work." He huffed. "I'm just saying, you a nice girl and I was a jackass for doing what I did to you back at school. You do deserve better, than me or whoever the hell it was who turned you into that wreck. Just, just think about that before you go running back to him, alright?"

I stared up at him in disbelief; only sure the words were his own by watching his mouth move as he spoke. I swallowed and gave a small nod of my head, thinking over each and every word. Did I deserve better? I part of me hoped I did, even hoping I would find someone who'd treat me better than Jade someday, but my heart ached at the thought, knowing that whether I deserved it or not, I didn't want better. I wanted Jade and only Jade, with every flaw, every little crack she put in my heart and, hell, even with a husband, if that's what it took. I may not like it all that much, and I must be completely insane because of it, but the feelings and the need for her would never go away. Ever.

"Thanks, Ryder," I said eventually, looking down at my feet to hide the tears springing up in my eyes.

"S'alright." He placed a large hand on my shoulder, a surprisingly comforting gesture, and gave it a small squeeze. The sound of a car coming to a slow stop reached my ears and I looked up to see Ryder pointing in the direction of the sleek, black vehicle my best friend owned. "I think your ride's here."

I nodded again, about to make my way towards the car that was now parked up on the curb when the passenger side door flew open and seeing the person who was now storming their way over to us almost made my heart stop.

"You stay the fuck away from her, you using bastard. You got that!" Every word was spat with a great amount of venom, punctured only by the slam of each boot hitting the floor until Jade West was right in front of us, pulling her fist back so fast then sending it flying forward where it met Ryder's nose with a sickening crack.

The tall man staggered backwards with the impact, immediately clutching his hands to his face, a bit of blood trickling through a gap between his fingers. "What the fuck was that for, you psycho bitch!" He cried, hissing at the pain as he spoke.

"Because Tori's song was no where near enough to put you in your place, obviously." She scowled, although clearly pleased herself. A much more slender arm now replaced the muscled one that had been draped over my shoulder seconds ago, but the force was just as strong as Jade steered my stunned self to Andre's awaiting car, the owner of which was still stood by the drivers side door, looking just as shocked as I. "I never want to see you anywhere near her again."

"Jade…" I protested weakly, glancing over my shoulder with an apologetic look to Ryder, who was leaning against the wall of his apartment block, dabbing his streaming nose with his wrist.

"Just get in the car, Vega." Jade said flatly, shoving me into the passenger side she'd just come out of before getting in the back herself, sitting back with her arms folded and a scowl on her face as she glared out of the window to her right. Andre slowly got back into the car and began to drive off without a word.

I met Jason through Cat's ex-prome date, Tug. We'd bumped into one day at the mall in Bed, Bath and Yonder, and while my red headed friend chatted away to the grinning boy, about spinning light up hats and fire, we stood awkwardly to one side before deciding to start our own conversation.

I found out he also went to Burbank High with Tug, although they weren't the best of friends they knew each other though their mutual school and job to get along well. He didn't play football like Tug, he was more into the arts, saying he just wanted to pass his art finals then go onto college to study illustration and he offered to show me some of his work sometime, if I wanted to meet up again, to which I happily complied. After an exchange of numbers, his supervisor came to drag him back to work and I left with Cat, promising we'd meet up soon.

We'd been dating for three weeks now and they had been amazing. He was a great guy, sweet, kind, funny, everything I thought I would look for. Maybe he wouldn't last forever, but for now, he was enough.

The only downside was Jade. She'd been avoiding me ever since I'd told the gang about Jason, everyone else being so happy for me and supportive, while she just shrunk back, threw a few vicious insults my way about my choice in men before getting up from the table and leaving. It hurt, yes, but I couldn't help but feel a small sense of satisfaction from that reaction. The thing between Jade and I had already been going on for so long, but we hadn't seen each other, alone, in at least a month. If she could have Beck, why couldn't I have somebody else?… if only to take away the pain that ached in my chest every time I remembered that she had Beck, that she wasn't mine. I'd move on if I had to, and Jason was the best candidate for the job.

I tried to ignore the childish behaviour, far too used to Jade being one way in public and another behind closed doors, but this time there were no closed doors. She couldn't even sit next to me in class or at the lunch table, instead, she threw herself all over Beck like he was her only lifeline, and I hated how it made me feel sick.

Jason showed up at the end of school one day, he'd finished earlier than us and decided he wanted to pick me up and take me out of the evening. As the six of us rounded the corner from Sikowitz's class to my locker, he walked in through the door at the end of the corridor, a big grin on his face and a red rose in hand.

"Hey, babe!" He beamed, enveloping me in a tight hug. Immediately, Jade scoffed and walked away, surprisingly not dragging Beck with her. Jason pulled back and gave me a quizzical look, to which I just shook my head, bored of her attitude.

"She doesn't like public displays of affection." Beck offered with a half shrug.

"Oh, but it's okay for her to throw herself all over you all week?" I retorted, a little more bitterly than I intended.

Beck sighed. "I best go see what I can do."

Later that night, I practically skipped up the stairs to my room after enjoying an evening out at the movie theatre with my boyfriend. I couldn't deny, it felt nice to have someone to call my own, not having to hide away so no one, especially not their real boyfriend, will find out. It also felt nice to make Jade jealous for once. It was the only explanation I could think of for her behaviour, although I didn't full understand why she would be jealous at all.

I flung my door open with a satisfied sigh, all ready to collapse on my bed and fall asleep. However, it took all my effort not to scream when I came face to face with a pair of pale green eyes staring at me in the dim moonlight, the owner of which was perched on the very edge of my bed, waiting.

"Oh! I had such a wonderful night out with my wonderful boyfriend, and we watched a wonderful movie while I gave him a blowjob in the back row!" There was a sour edge to the voice Jade always used to mock me.

"I did not do that!" I hissed, cringing at her crude choice of words as I softly closed my door too. "And I don't talk like that!"

"Whatever."

I clicked my light on and Jade was illuminated to me, dressed in a pair of studded, black skinny jeans, black, high-top converse and a dark hoodie with the logo of a band I didn't know faded across the front. She didn't often dress like this, you could tell it was more for comfort than anything, but somehow it made her look more vulnerable, especially with the lack of make up on her face- I could actually see a light scatter of freckles across her nose.

"What are you doing here, Jade?"

She didn't answer, just shook her head, got up and crossed my room in a few quick strides. Before I knew it, her lips were pressed furiously to mine, her fingers threading through my hair, gripping tight and I gave in straight away, craving the touch that had been missing for over a month, surrendering myself to it once again.

Jade pulled away slowly, moving so we were just a fraction apart, her forehead pressed to mine, her eyes still closed. "I know you don't want him, Vega. Not really. You can't even stay faithful."

"You can't talk to me about staying faithful, Jade." I replied angrily, forcing us apart.

She smirked. "Whatever, Vega. You can't even tell me that you do want him. For someone who's been cheated on and lied to by boys in the past, you'd think you wouldn't do the same back to them."

"You kissed me" I seethed through gritted teeth, feeling anger, shame and humiliation boiling inside of me. How can she turn this back on me and make me the bad guy? After all she's done, after all she's still doing…

"You kissed me back." Jade stated matter-of-factly. I spluttered with no excuse at hand and Jade just shook her head again, placing another quick, yet soft, kiss to my lips. "Call me when you dump him." She murmured before pushing past me to my door, letting herself out of my room and the house.

Xxx

Is it because of this
Vacancy that you swear
never to, to believe?

The car ride was quiet. Even Andre, who usually squirmed in discomfort during long periods of silence, didn't make a noise, not even when some idiot driver cut in front of him. I was too afraid to talk, too confused as to why Jade was here or why she'd walked up and punched Ryder in the face for no real reason, and she just sat in the back, still scowling out of the window with her arms crossed. I could see her in the rear view mirror, and if she knew I was glancing up at it every five seconds, she didn't let it show.

What felt like an age later, we pulled up at a coffee shop. I recognised it immediately as the one just around the corner from Hollywood Arts, a place we used to frequent in our final year and the exact one Jade had been going to every morning ever since she started school there. Andre gave me a meaningful look when we got out of the car and walked through the familiar doors, but none of us said a word until we ordered our usual drinks out of habit and landed the same corner booth we always had those few years ago.

It was getting near Christmas and the small shop was already decked out in all sorts of decorations, from shiny trails of tinsel wrapping their way around everything they could reach, to the two small Christmas trees that sat on either side of the till at the counter, each topped with some ridiculous novelty, supposedly festive coffee cup ornament. I usually loved this time of year, the holiday season always put me in a good mood, but as I looked around, I couldn't help but feel it was all pointless, tacky things that suddenly did nothing to lift my mood.

"Does someone want to explain what's going on!" I finally cracked, pushing my black coffee to one side and glaring at the other two at the table. Andre coughed, placing his own frothy beverage back on the table, whereas Jade continued to sip nonchalantly from hers, her eyes fixed on a spot across the room.

"You two need to talk." Andre said seriously, lacing his fingers together on the table top. "I found Jade wandering the streets yesterday morning and picked her up, making her stay at mine until she'd calmed down, because she was in one hell of a state. It took a lot of effort, but I eventually got her to explain everything, everything, and this isn't something you two can just leave lying as it is."

"It's perfectly fine as it is!" Jade snapped at the boy, who rolled his eyes.

"Is it, Tori?"

I froze as he said my name. For the first time since she turned up at my house the previous night, Jade's eyes fell upon me and I swallowed the hard lump that had worked it way into my throat.

"No, no, it's not." My voice was barely a whisper, like it hurt to talk, like nails scratched against my voice box.

"It's been fine for all this time, Tori! Why the hell can't it be now!" Jade slammed her coffee down on the table, the dark liquid splashing out of the Styrofoam cup, possibly scolding her fingers, but she didn't even react to it.

"B-because!" I stammered, biting my lip. "Because things are different! You're married now-"

"He was my boyfriend before, what difference does it make!"

Déjà vu.

Jade's voiced has raised slightly above the hushed tones we'd been talking in, earning us some stern and slightly confused looks from the nearest table that was occupied. Andre pressed a finger to his lips, ordering her to quieten down- "Do you want the whole damn world to know what's going on?"

"They can mind their own fucking business!" Jade spat, louder still, causing the woman facing in our direction to scowl.

For a long moment, we were silent again, each of us sipping our coffees. The question she'd asked was mulling over in my mind. I don't know why it made such a difference that she was married now. In both cases, it was wrong, but it never felt wrong until that ring was placed upon her finger. She hadn't changed her name, opting to remain a West for professional reasons, but that didn't make her any less Beck's wife, much like it never made her any less Beck's girlfriend.

"B-because it's always been wrong. I knew it before but it's taken this long for it to really sink in." The words spilled from my mouth before I'd realised and I clasped my hand over my lips after they did, wanting to trap any more that may follow. Jade looked up from her coffee cup, equally as stunned as I, maybe even hurt.

I took my hand away and more words poured out before I could stop them. "But, I don't want right. I want you. It's wrong, it's near insanity, and you love Beck, and he loves you but… but, m-maybe I love you too."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Andre's jaw drop, but my attention was fully focused on Jade, whose expression had grown blank. She'd heard me throw the word around during arguments, but I don't think she'd ever believed it before. She told me once, after yet another argument with her boyfriend, that she knew nobody could ever love her, that she though Beck would just say it to keep her sweet, but things like this, their fights, their break ups, were proof that it wasn't true. I wanted to tell her there and then how I truly felt, but I was too afraid… not that she'd believe it anyway.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, maybe I longed for her to say those three little words back, maybe I hoped she'd walk around the table and kiss me senseless, not caring about anyone else, just me and her. Instead of doing anything my wishful thoughts brought to mind, Jade stood up from the table, gave me one last, long look, and walked out of the coffee shop without a word.

The silence was pressing. The little bell tinkling rang loudly and I think every customer in the place was looking between me and the door with their mouths hanging open, all thoughts of the cooling coffee in front of them forgotten. I remained staring at the half empty cup that now sat abandoned at our table, gazing transfixed at the small indents left by Jade's finger nails where she'd gripped too hard after I'd said my piece, not quite believing what had happened.

"Tori." Andre's soothing voice sounded far way, even as he scooted up next to me. His large hand covered my own that lay upon the table and I didn't realise was shaking until now. "Tori, breathe."

Air rushed from my lungs in a sob I didn't realise I'd been holding in. I quickly covered it with a very weak, fake cough then took to sipping my coffee instead, not wanting to cry at all, let alone in front of so many people.

"I'm taking you home." Andre murmured, gripping my upper arm firmly and hoisting me up from my seat before I could protest.

Xxx

Honestly, honest me,
With a look that's so deceiving,
I'll bite, chew, swallow, and
Digest the hands that feed me.
With a bayonet for a tongue,
Swallow swords inadvertently
And to the organ flame I'll maintain a close adjacency.

I have so many things
I would like to explain to you
Farewell to all the days you were
Within my reach

Andre came to visit every day, sometimes only for a few minutes, sometimes staying over 'til late at night, but he always came. Trina even called every so often, much more than she ever used to. At first, two days after we'd gone out, she called to check if I were still alive and rambled on and on about the guy she met at the bar and why she'd left me to deal with Ryder alone. I couldn't believe it when she actually apologised when I had chance to explain where I ended up, nor could I believe she actually sympathised with me when I told her about the coffee shop, although she remained adamant that I should forget anything to do with Jade West and just get on with my life.

If only it were that easy.

The holiday season meant the studio had shut for the time being. At the beginning of the month my parents had called to say they were vacationing away for the holidays, but promised to call on Christmas day if they got the chance, and I really didn't feel like spending all this time with just Trina, so I was alone. Andre was sticking with tradition and going to his Grandma's for the big day, mentally preparing himself for all the craziness that would ensue this year, but that didn't stop him from wanting me to get into the Christmas spirit. Every time he'd come over for more than 5 minutes he'd try to convince me to put decorations up in my bare looking apartment, scolding me for leaving it this long when every other year I'd had the place covered in all things Christmas before November had even ended.

But this year I couldn't bring myself to do anything. Once Andre had got me home from the coffee shop after Jade walked out, and plopped me down on my couch, that was pretty much where I remained. I returned to the zombie-like state I had been in weeks ago, but this time I steered clear of the alcohol, just the sight of it made me want to puke. Days blurred into one another and with the little time we'd had left at the studio, I didn't do any work that could've helped me with the album. The company were beginning to get frustrated with me, it was a relief to all of us when our last day came, we'd been getting no where and I was sure I was close to getting dropped.

With just days left until the 25th, my apartment was still as empty as ever and I had hardily moved from the couch.

Everything hurt and I didn't understand it. I knew I should've expected this, it was Jade after all, how could she not choose her long term and adoring boyfriend- husband, I reminded myself- over her pathetic little play thing that had served all its purpose? Yet, I couldn't help but think that every moment we spent together had meant something, every time she'd turn up on my doorstep unannounced, every night she stayed and I'd wake up to find her still there, every time she'd tell me something, no matter how small and insignificant, and she'd let me in just a little further. My heart had fooled itself into thinking the thing between us was a real relationship and I was a fool for going along with it.

10:30 pm on Christmas Eve found me curled up on said couch, my arms wrapped tightly around the cushion I held close to my body as I stared absently at Elf as it played on one of the channels for the billionth time in the past week. I murmured along to Jovie singing Baby, It's Cold Outside, remembering the time Andre and I did a duet of it for the school Christmas show one year, and slowly whipped away the lonely tear as it trickled down my cheek.

When my doorbell rang, I jumped so violently I actually fell off the couch. I grunted in pain as I landed face first on the floor and groaned as I got to my knees, listening to the impatient knocking that had started up the second the doorbell had rung.

"ALRIGHT, I'M COMING!" I hollered, wondering who in their right mind it could be at this time on this day. I wasn't expecting anyone at all.

I stumbled on my way to the door, clicking the lock open quickly and any thought of yelling at my sudden visitor were cut abruptly at the stony face that was revealed to me on the other side.

"B- Beck?" I spluttered. He didn't respond, he didn't even look at me as he pushed his way past, walking over to lean against my kitchen counter. "W-what are you doing here? I thought you and J-Jade were spending Christmas in New York."

This was the first time I'd seen Beck Oliver since the wedding. Whereas there he looked happy, made up and as handsome as ever, right now he looked rough- the large, tan coat he was wearing seemed hastily shoved on, his hair a wild mess from running his fingers through it too many times, a habit he still hadn't broken from school. It frightened me, even more so when his face remained expressionless, yet his eyes seemed so cold. This wasn't the Beck I was used to.

"Did Jade tell you that?" He asked flatly.

"Er… well, n-no." I hung my head. "I haven't spoken to her since- um…"

"Since the last time you two slept together?" He said it like he was offering a throwaway comment, and that scared me more than the accusation. He usually avoided confrontation; he'd never been so quick to get straight to the point.

"Beck… I-I-"

"Don't even try to deny it, Tori. She told me everything." His nonchalant tone was suddenly full of malice.

"E-everything?"

"Everything." He repeated. He was gripping the counter behind him so hard his knuckles turned a blinding white, his forearms were shaking as if it was taking all his control to stay exactly where he was. "I know about all her meetings in LA, all her sudden trips to the bathroom or the janitor's closet. She even skipped her father's birthday to be here, with you, didn't she!"

I didn't respond, I couldn't respond. A tidal wave of guilt hit my stomach in an instant, turning my throat dry and making my eyes sting. I tried to swallow, making an audible gulp, shifting my weight from foot to foot as I stared at the floor, unable to bring myself to look at Beck.

"Dammit, Tori!" He suddenly yelled, making me jump. It was followed by a smashing sound and I looked up to find the glass I had used earlier now shattered on the ground, having been pushed from where it was sat innocently on the counter just by Beck's arm. I watched a muscle twitch in his jaw; Beck was usually so good at controlling his emotions, the only other time I'd seen such an outburst was when he yelled at Jade during Sinjin's game show. I both loved and hated him for that. As much as he had humiliated Jade, it bought the two of us closer, not only in the physical way our 'relationship' had been before hand, but we got to know each other, and from there I fell for her just a little bit more.

"You told me not to deny it." I muttered bravely, bringing my eyes from the shards of glass, finally up to his face.

Both his eyebrows raised in what seemed to be shock at me answering back, I fought against the smirk that threatened to sneak its way onto my face, something I knew Jade would've accepted in an instant.

"So, it is true?" He asked, his brow now creasing in the middle.

I scoffed, I couldn't help it. "I thought Jade told you everything."

There was a moment's pause.

"Why?"

The one simple word was so venerable, so full of hurt and rage and confusion. I met his eye and my heart froze at the pitiful, lost look staring back at me, it was so unlike Beck it unnerved me. Sure, some of the characters he'd played before have been hurt and he's portrayed the emotions so very well, but to see it so real on his face, not while acting, it made me hate myself even more for getting into this mess in the first place.

"For the same reason you dated her, the same reason you proposed and married her." I took a deep breath, already feeling a tear fall. "I love her."

Crash! I could barely blink before the sounds of breaking china reached my ears where Beck, in what could only be a fit of rage, shoved everything that lay on my kitchen counter to the floor- a stack of clean plates and cutlery, my song notebook and pen, an unopened bottle of Diet Dr Fizz that bounced off the floor and burst, it's contents spraying all over my brand new rug. I flinched as I watched him recover, his nostrils fairing, his whole body convulsing with anger and his slow, deep breathing barely calming him down. I felt sick, knowing I was the cause of such uncharacteristic behaviour in the boy I called my friend, or at least used to. Our relationship had never really been the same since I walked in on them at that fateful party.

"You love her?" He spat. "After all she's ever done to you?"

"I can't help it." Came a childish response from my open mouth.

Beck laughed, running his fingers through his matted hair. "That doesn't even make sense! She made your life a living hell at school, Tori. How the fuck could you possibly love someone like that?"

I frowned at his words, feeling my own anger begin to course through my veins. I remembered the time he tried to kiss me, all the things he said about Jade and the Platinum Music Awards and everything else. I took it then as him still being bitter over the break up, but the tables had really turned back then, when he showed that side of himself and Jade responded with an act of kindness, letting me perform instead of her, actually coming close to calling me a friend, not just some fuck buddy who was there when she needed. And she actually smiled a real smile in my direction. I marked it down as another day I fell even further for Jade West.

"She's not always been like that." I defended.

"Just 'cause she fucks you, doesn't mean she likes you, Tori." The words struck painfully as if he had physically thrown them at me. They were almost gloating, edged with humour. "I heard a rumour that you and Ryder Daniels hooked up again not so long ago. Tell me, do you love him too?"

"That was a mistake!" I shouted. "I was drunk, I was lonely, he was there…"

"Who does that sound like!" He bellowed back. "She'd come running to you when she was lonely, or sad. It's not because she felt anything for you, Tori, it's because you were there."

I didn't like this Beck; I didn't like him at all. I wanted to know what happened to the old Beck, the one who'd comfort you instead of screaming accusations, the one who could forgive and forget, not break anything in his way. Guilt gripped me once again when I realised I'd made him this way, I'd made him lose his temper, lose control; I'd ruined his relationship with the one girl he loved. Every word made another impact, dealt me another blow which I knew I deserved

"S-she just kept coming back." I said softly, the tears now cascading down my cheeks, his own threatening to fall. "I couldn't say no. She needed me."

"She had me." His voice was barely a whisper, it was drained and child like, so full of hurt I thought I may burst with shame. There was a sniff, followed by a long, shuddering exhale and a tear finally crept from the corner of his eye.

"Beck, I-"

"No, Tori." He cut in forcefully. "I don't want to hear it. I came here to say-" He took a deep breath in, pressing his wrist to his eye to stem the tear flow. "I came here to say, you're welcome to each other."

"W-what?" I spluttered, chasing after Beck as he quickly began to make his way to the door.

He whirled around, his features twisted into something bitter and angry and broken, it felt like an ice cold knife dug deep into my chest, slicing the tiny remains of my already stomped on, beaten, aching and broken heart.

"You're welcome to each other." He repeated, backing into the door and fumbling a little for the doorknob. "How am I supposed to live with someone who goes running into someone else's arms the second we have an argument?"

He finally found the cold, metal handle and was just about to turn it when the door was shoved open again, straight into his back. Shocked and winded, Beck stumbled forward, falling into me, gasping in surprise at my latest visitor.

"I told you not to come here!" Jade spat as she stormed into my apartment. Her voice cracked, her make up left dark tear tracks dried on her pale cheeks and her finger jabbed straight into Beck's chest before curling into a fist, hitting him in a half hearted punch.

"Oh!" Beck said loudly, instantly sparking an argument. "So, you're allowed to come here whenever you want to cheat on your husband, but I'm not allowed to confront my so called friend over this!"

Jade slammed the door closed with a violent kick backwards, her eyes narrowed at Beck the whole time. I glanced between the two of them, vividly reminded of the argument that lead to their biggest break up, the one that took place in my parents house, in front of all our friends- and Trina- Jade's countdown to the end ringing in my ears.

She had been so broken, but she never let it show, only in private where things got rougher than they had ever before, a mixture of anger and wanting to forget. I tried to calling it off, to give her time to get over the break up in a different way, but she couldn't take another rejection in such a short space of time. I succumbed, how could I not?

"I told you the truth, what more do you want?" Jade hissed, turning so she was now stood beside me, her arms crossed tightly over her chest, hugging the leather jacket that hung off her shoulders close.

Beck laughed, a high pitched squeak of hysteria. "What do you think I want, Jade! I want this to end!" His finger formed a triangle pointing between us. "You can't have two people! You're married to one of them! This, this is an affair. It's cheating. It's completely against our vows."

"It's never been a problem before-"

"I NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT BEFORE!" Beck roared, making both Jade and I flinch. He pushed his way past, back into my apartment where he collapsed on the sofa. Elf was still playing quietly on the television and I almost laughed at the absurdity of it, such a sweet, fun, family film being the backing track to a marriage breaking down. "We've barely been married two months, Jade." His voice was now muffled by his palm as his head fell between his knees. "You couldn't think to tell me this before that?"

Jade scoffed. "The plan was not to tell you at all."

"So why now?" Beck growled, pulling his head back to face her, the tears welling in his eyes once more.

Jade's mouth hung open for a second before snapping shut, her loss for words evident. I stood just behind her, feeling like I shouldn't be here, witnessing such a personal moment between the two, yet I couldn't run away from it, knowing I was the reason, at least partly to blame. Like Beck, I needed to know Jade's reasoning behind telling the man she loved about her affair now, why she could no longer keep it a secret when she had managed to do so for so long before, when she was the one insisting it continued without anyone knowing.

"I needed to know if you'd still love me no matter what." The murmured words were barely a whisper breaking through the tense silence that had settled.

Beck's long fingers hooked together tightly, clenching and unclenching as his jaw worked slowly, trying to find the words. Some joyous laughter from the TV filled the silence in a surreal moment, so out of place that it almost sounded mocking.

"Maybe that's the problem." He said quietly after a while of contemplating. "Maybe I love you too much. But maybe this has hurt me just a bit too much more."

He stood up abruptly, digging his hands into the pockets of the long jacket he hadn't taken off. With his head hung, he pushed his way between Jade and I again- I hadn't even realised how close we'd been standing until he knocked into both of our shoulders, forcing us apart. He was back by the door seconds later, his hand wrapped around the handle, his arm trembling slightly as he held back tears he didn't want to fall.

"Do you love Tori?" He spoke to the floor, swallowing hard.

Jade stared at him for the longest moment, her lips pressed thinly together, remaining silent.

"That's all I needed." He sighed, finally raising his head to the two of us, before giving the handle a vicious yank. "Merry Christmas."

"Wait!" Jade called, jamming her foot between him and the door so he couldn't open it any further. "You're giving up on us, just like that?"

"No, Jade." His fingers knotted into his hair as he looked down at the woman I knew he'd loved for so long, through all the arguments and fights, the ups and downs, someone who'd always been there in someway. This was the final straw. "You gave up on us the second you came running to Tori, the second you took this beyond a friend seeking advice and you couldn't answer my question." He took a deep breath, exhaling harshly through his nose. "Do you love Tori?"

"I-" Jade squeaked, looking down at her own shoes now. My heart thumped in my ears, needing her answer just as much as Beck did, but my reasons made me feel sick, selfish and twisted. "I was never meant to."

"Then I can't do this any more." Beck squeezed past her, making his way out the door. "I won't stand in your way any longer."

She didn't stop him this time, she watched him go, letting the door shut quietly behind him without so much as moving to open it again. Instead, she just turned on her heel and walked over to the couch, dropping into the seat he had previously occupied, falling into the same position he had taken up, hunched over with her head in her hands. The difference was, she let the tears flow freely.

I stood rooted to the spot, being eaten alive by guilt, while at the same time some sick, bitter, yet inappropriately happy part of me was jumping for joy. It made me feel worse to know I was pleased this had happened, that deep down I had always wanted them to end, even if it killed me to see Jade's broken hearted form sobbing over my coffee table.

I'm not sure when instinct kicked in, but it uprooted me from the place by my door, dragging my feet so I sat beside the girl in tears, gathering her up into my arms and rocking her gently from side to side, like I'd done few times before, when a fight got too much for her to handle. Neither of us spoke and it wasn't long before I felt the silent tears slide down my face too, dripping from my chin as I nuzzled my nose into her hair, trying desperately to comfort us both.

It felt like hours later, but it was just a few minutes, when we had both calmed down, save for some soft hiccups that fell from the darker haired girls mouth. She was the one to push us back so we lay down on the sofa, snuggling up to me and holding so tight like she was hanging on for dear life. She was the one who broke the silence with a few heart wrenching words.

"It's really over now, isn't it?"

"Do you want it to be?" I murmured back, my lips finding their way to her forehead to press a gentle kiss.

I felt her shrug, followed by a small sigh against my neck. "I- I think I do. It's for the best, isn't it?"

"That's up to you." I answered truthfully, wrapping my arms around her. She was exhausted, almost asleep on my shoulder, and I didn't want to let her go. So selfish, yet it felt so right. "But, I'll always be here for you, whatever you decide."

The nod was a small movement, and I felt her lips barely brush the underside of my jaw before she drifted off. I lay awake a while longer, watching the clock as it ticked to midnight, bringing in Christmas Day. I thought of all the children tucked up in bed, pretending to sleep, but with one eye half open, trying to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus and his sack full of presents and toys for all the girls and boys. The child inside me wished he would appear now, but maybe with a sleigh full of happiness, something to make the pain heal faster, not just for me, or Jade, but for Beck too. He was out there now, possibly driving home, just as broken as the girl who now lay in my arms, maybe even more so. I never wished ill on him, he had always been a good friend- I was the one who fucked things up.

I shifted a little to get more comfortable, my gaze falling to the head lying on my chest, the body curled around mine. There was a small, almost unnoticeable smile playing on her lips that made my heart flutter with hope and as I, too, drifted off into my dreams, my last thought being perhaps this won't be so bad after all.

And as of right now everything is making perfect sense.
As of right now everything is making perfect sense.