Author's note: There needs to be more Maria Hill fic in this fandom. Seriously. The woman is beyond awesome and I only hope I've captured a fraction of her awesomeness here.

Maria liked her ship in order. Maria like her ship humming like the flying piece of trillion-dollar equipment it was.

Maria did not appreciate the electrical system deciding it wanted to go haywire at regular intervals. But more than that, she did not appreciate her bridge crew showing up late and distracted. And sometimes looking like they'd been playing with fingers in light sockets.

She'd sunk to asking Tony Stark for help. To say she couldn't stand the man was putting it mildly. You would think a selfless act and a near-death experience would have given the man a little humility, to her immense frustration, Stark was still Stark.

But Stark was a genius. A genius who couldn't resist staying out of other people's business. If the overloads were something more than mechanical failures, she needed someone brilliant and, more importantly, unscrupulous to find out who was behind it.

"Don't you people have work to do? Work that's somewhere else?" The residential hallways were pressed with people, leaning against bulkheads, looking at watches, applying lip gloss, smoothing their hair. Definitely not work.

"You wanted us to find out what was causing the electrical problems, sir." A tall, lanky crewman held out a scanner. There was a gaggle of engineers in the crowd, who at least looked marginally busy.

"And you found it in-?" Maria looked at the frame number. 2-117-0-L. "In Thor's quarters?"

"More like his pants." One of his colleagues, a stout redhead, pressed a hand to her mouth and flushed bright red.

"Excuse me? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Before Maria could even ask him to explain, the Norse god in question stepped out of his quarters, with nothing but a towel around his waist. Ensign Mendoza, a little slip of a painfully shy operations officer, tried to sneak out behind him, fastening up her uniform.

Maria had to think fast to turn a gaping stare into a stern glare. "Ensign! What do you think you're doing?"

"Jumping the queue is what she's doing," Tall and Lanky said as he started to step in front of Maria. A quickly raised hand and a stare that could have withered Fury made him see the error of his ways. Mendoza shrugged and slipped past, pointing to her watch. Maria knew the woman's shift started in five minutes, but for once she cared a hell of a lot more about getting answers rather than punctuality.

And when did a wallflower like Mendoza put the moves on a super?

"Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?" The crewmembers in the hall might be holding back, and they should know enough to be looking at her, but no. Every gaze was directed at Thor.

"Lieutenant Hill! Your ship is being most diplomatic today!"

"I – what?"

"Tony explained the workings of human diplomacy to me! Your crew has been most obliging." He gave one last wink to Mendoza, who blew him a fluttering kiss. "You should be very proud of them."

"God, how did I know Stark would be behind this." Maria felt a throbbing pulsing at her temple. "When you say diplomacy, you really mean sex."

"Of course! I thought surely you would be aware?" Thor looked just a bit confused but sweetly so, one hand falling to his hip. Which was still only wrapped up in a towel.

"Oh, I am now. Listen, can we have a talk somewhere more private?" She heard the crowd behind her groan, and Maria whipped around. "One more sound out of any of you and you are all cleaning the mirrors without safety equipment. Understand?"

There was a series of nods and 'yes, sirs.' "Good. We are all going to have a long talk when I'm done. A very long talk."

And Maria was just going to find an way to quietly kill Stark and hide the body where no one would ever find it.

"But, it would not be fair to the rest of the crew. They have been patient and I am only one man."

Maria pinched the bridge of her nose. She was so raiding her emergency bottle of bourbon in her quarters. "I appreciate you trying to be fair, and thinking about morale, but – how can we be ready to fight if half the crew is milling around your quarters?"

"I understand. They have been most persistent, though patient." Thor beamed, and even though he'd put on a shirt and a pair of sweats, it just lit him up. "They are a good crew. You lead them well."

"I try," Maria said, trying not to roll her eyes.

"I speak truly. You are a brave warrior and-" Thor caught his breath and shook his head. "How could I be so foolish. To be so kind to your men and women and not show such favor to you?"

"Thor, we're okay. You've always been even with me. You might want to teach Stark a few things."

"That is not what I meant." Thor tilted his head, a few locks of blond hair falling onto his rather form fitting black shirt. "One always should extend diplomacy first to a leader."

Maria bit her lip. "Wait. You're sorry you didn't…have sex with me first?"

"I am profoundly sorry." Thor offered a slight bow – a bow – and reached for her hand. "Do you forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you." Maria shook her head, but didn't move her hand away. His hands were callused and warm, and she could feel the strength just beneath the skin.

Her gaze wandered a little lower, and she noticed just how tight the standard-issue S.H.I.E.L.D. sweatpants were on him. Maria also noticed a throbbing that had nothing to do with her now-vanished headache.

"If you pardon my timing, it would be my honor to extend you every diplomatic courtesy." Maria found her fingers stroking against his palm.

Maria caught her breath as Thor drew her in with one arm, taking his shirt off with the other. "I'm all for maintaining good relations between Earth and Asgard."

Maria cleared her throat and looked out at the assembled crew in the mess hall. She tried to smooth her hair but it still insisted on floating a few inches above her head.

"I'm only going to say this once, and this isn't going on the record, so listen up." The crowd leaned forward, and the ones who weren't having bad hair days looked ready for the worst.

"Our duties on this ship aren't usually typical. We do whatever we have to do to protect this planet. Sometimes that means fighting the good fight. And sometimes its more peaceful negotiations."

Frowns turned to hopeful expressions all around.

"We have a guest on our ship who wants his world to be on good relations with ours. I say we could use more people like him." Maria smiled and crossed her arms over her chest. Or more time with him. "Our duty in this situation is a bit different, but it's one every member of our ship should have."

And now they were high-fiving and elbowing in all defiance of good order. Maria whistled sharply to bring them back to some semblance of discipline.

"It's a duty, people not shore leave. You all will get and pass full physicals, and there will be a rota. You miss your slot, you're at the back of the line. And you'll be at your duty stations or in the crew areas otherwise, doing the best jobs you can possibly do." Maria looked around. "Do I make myself clear?"

Maria nearly jumped as a resounding "yes, sir" echoed off the walls of the mess.