Okay, this entire chapter is just Santana explaining things to Quinn, beginning to end. Hope you enjoy!
"We met completely by chance. It was the summer after freshman year at Howard and I got a phone call from my cousin Lucia because her babysitter canceled, and she was all 'Please Sannie, I need you, Te amaré por siempre.' And I was about to say hell fucking no, because her kids are the baddest little fuckers I ever met. I mean seriously, she has twin boys and they were like 5 at the time, and one was still in diapers, like what the fuck you're the worst parent in the world.
"But whatever. Anyway, she offered me 200 bucks for the night, and I figured hey moneys money so why not. And it was all going good, especially after I slipped some Nyquil into their juice… which, now that I'm a mother I can admit what terribly wrong, but at the time it seemed completely justifiable. And then, right after the little monsters fell asleep there's this ring at the door and before I can even stand up my cousin Isabelle, was running to the door and throwing it open and I was like 'What the fuck Isa, who said you could invite people over.' And she's all 'It's cool Sannie, It's my friend from school, she lives up the street.' Then in walks this little puta, with her face covered in make-up looking like a hooker and she's like 'Yeah, chill Sannie' and I swear to god Quinn, I could have ripped her face off.
"Now I didn't know at the time that she was Tony's little sister. Nor did I know that they weren't supposed to be hanging out because my family doesn't like Tony. He never really did anything to us, but he got in this big fight with one of my brothers friends when they were in high school, and he ended up in the hospital. I've told you that part before. So Isa and the little bitch went up in her room and locked the door and I figured that was the end of that.
"Then a couple hours later I hear this banging at the door like the fucking cops or something. So I go over, throw the door open, and see this really tall, really cute Salvadorian guy standing there. His eyes were the same color as Elie's and his hair hung in his face and he was ripped. Like, his body looked like Pucks. But of course, I'm trying to act like I don't give a shit how sexy he is so I say 'What the fuck man, I just got the kid's to sleep.'
"And then he cocks his head to the side, looks me up and down, and gets this big grin across his face. And I'm like 'Look fucker, if you're here to rob the place or kidnap the kid's or something, go ahead.' And he just looks at me, like he's trying to figure me out, and then he start's laughing really hard and he's like 'I'm just looking for my sister. She snuck out the house a little while ago and I'd like to get her back before my mom realizes she's gone.'
"And then I'm like, 'Woah woah woah, you mean the hooker?' and he gives me this really confused look and I'm like 'Your little sister just waltzed in here looking like a clown with all this damn make up, and now you're telling me she's AWOL?' and he goes 'Dear God, what is she wearing?' So I run up to my cousins room and I swear to God I could smell pot all the way down the hall and she comes out with her eyes red at fuck and I told her that her brother was waiting for her. And she's like 'Oh shit… do you have any eye drops?'
"And then her brother comes up behind me and is like "¡Dios mío! You look like a putana!" which is basically a ho, and she's like "Fuck you" And just walks out the house like it's nothing. And then he starts apologizing for the weed and stuff and I'm like 'It's cool, I've just been harboring a fugitive for the past two hours.' And that was that. He went home and I made Isabelle spray the house down with Lysol and take a cold shower. Like I swear to God I'm the best big cousin in the world because I washed her clothes and everything and when her Mom came home I had her in bed like nothing even happened.
"So after my cousin paid me I started walking to the bus stop because my car had broken down. That's when Tony pulled up next to me and offered me a ride, and of course I said yes. He was trying to be all gentlemanly and stuff, but then when we were pulling up to my house I made him keep driving. He parked end of the street where you couldn't really see the car, and we had sex. And then the next day he called me and picked me up and fucked again in his parent's basement. And then again at some party at his friend's house. And for a while that's all we did. We didn't really hang out much or even talk that much; we just had a lot of sex.
"But then one day he picked me up and brought me back to his house. When we got there his whole family was there. And he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, and just like that I was Tony's girl. Then at the end of the summer when I was packing up to go back to college he called me and asked me to go for a ride, so we did. He drove me to that little house in Martiansburg with a For Sale sign in the yard and parked in the driveway. He asked me if I liked it, and I said yes. Then he asked me if I would like to live there someday and I said yes again.
"That's when he told me about the factory. He said his uncle died and left it to his father, who already had money. He gave it to Antonio, who had already been working there. Tony told me whenever I was ready, it was waiting for me. Then he drove me back home and kissed me and told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too.
"My parent's didn't know about him at the time. Tony told me about how he had bad blood with my brother as soon as he realized I was a Lopez. But I didn't care. I don't know why I didn't care… I didn't really love him then, not the way I wanted to. I mean I cared for him, I really did, but he wasn't anything special. But I was lonely and he was there… I don't know if you know this but Britt didn't just get up and decide one day she wanted to move to Michigan and work at a daycare. She did it because there was she fell in love with someone else. So I figured I had nothing to lose, so I was just going to stick it out with Tony until I either fell for him or fell for someone else.
"So I went back to college and me and Tony lost touch for a while. I didn't come back for Thanksgiving, so we didn't hook up again until winter break, and that's when the shit hit the fan. Tony's whole family knew who I was any they didn't give a shit. They're really laid back about stuff, which isn't always a good thing. But then that little mouse eyed diablo walked in on me and Tony and she got really pissed, for reasons I cannot explain nor understand. I told you she was out to get me right? But I didn't tell you the worst part. Yeah, the bitch tried to poison me, but she's also the reason why my family won't speak to me anymore.
"She went to my cousin and told her that me and Tony were hooking up. And then my cousin tells her mom who immediately calls my mom and before I even got home everyone knew. The second I opened the door the screaming and hollering started and I was just trapped there in the middle of it all, and I just had to sit there on the couch and listen until they were all done screaming. I couldn't even yell back, there was no way I would win this fight. I was 'sleeping with the enemy' and 'a dirty tramp' and every other bad name in the book.
"Then when they all finished my mother told me, right there in front of my dad and brothers, that I had a choice. She said 'You've done a lot of thing's in the past Santana that I chose to overlook. You've slept around since high school and we chose to look past it. But this is different. This is betrayal. And you can either go with him or stay with us.'
"It was so cold Quinn, and it sounded nothing like my mother when she said it. And I saw the look on my family's faces and I realized no matter what I chose, they weren't going to look at me the same. So I chose Tony. Packed up all my stuff in his car and we left. The next day he bought the house in Martainsburg and I never left. I could have gone back to school, but I knew he had a job for me and it made decent money… I figured I could do online classes but I never got around to it.
"I'm not sure when I decided I loved him. It wasn't really a conscious decision. And even though I said it to him all the time, I never really meant it… But then one day I did. It was like I realized how much he was doing for me and how hard he was working to keep me happy and safe and I loved him for it. Then there was the sex and the parties and her bought me a car… And even though it wasn't my dream really I was happy. And that was good.
"Then one day I got a call from Britt. She was in town visiting her mom and she wanted to hang out. Of course I said yes, and Tony was a work so I just left. I guess up until then I wasn't really hanging out with anyone. I mean, Finn and Puck used to call and stuff but Tony didn't like me talking to other guys, which was understandable. So me and B went out and I didn't get back 'till really late, and he was mad. Like really mad, I didn't call or anything and he was pissed.
"So he just starts yelling and stuff, all 'where the fuck were you,' and 'I've been worried about you, you could have died' and of course I yelled back. And I told him he wasn't my fucking keeper and to leave me the fuck alone, and he just sat there and listened. He had this deadpanned look on his face and he just listened as I told him off. And when I was finished he just stood up and walked out and I figured it was over.
"He wasn't there when I went to bed. I woke up a few hours to this loud ass banging, and he came in the room, drunk as shit, and started banging around. And then, before I could even say anything, he crawled over top of me and pinned me down. He said 'Listen here you stupid little slut. I gave you everything you fucking needed. I took you in, I gave you a job, and I'm taking good fucking care of you. Maybe if you were smarter you'd realize how good you have it. Where are your friends? Where is your family? Do you see them? Because I don't. I'm not asking you for much… Not much at all. Just be a good fucking woman, respect me, and tell me where you're going next time.'
"I said yes. And I said sorry. And then we had sex… and it hurt. But I did it. Then the next day he woke up and went about the day as if nothing happened. But then it happened again. I came home late from work… He got in my face and yelled and I yelled back. He left, came back drunk, and told me I needed to respect him. Then he fucked me.
"It happened again and again and again. Over the stupidest things. I would pick up the wrong kind of orange juice and it would turn into this big fucking fight. I would always fight back, until he got drunk… I wasn't scared of him sober. Only drunk, because that's when he would fight. Really fight. Not with me, but at parties and stuff. He didn't put a hand on me, not at first at least.
"After that we only had sex when we would fight. It hurt every time… I guess because I didn't really want to do it. He was too rough and it was too fast and it was just… too much. And then one time… the condom broke. And I know I should have been on birth control, but I just never really got around to it. So I was pregnant. And I was scared… but I didn't want out, not really. I was still happier there then I would be at home, and I really did love him. I thought things would get better. But I didn't want to bring a baby into it while it was still bad. So I didn't tell anyone.
"A couple weeks later I heard you were in town. Took the car and told Tony I was running errands… Came to see you. I texted him and told him where I was, and he texted me back and said 'You're choosing your low-life friends over me now? That's cool.' I didn't answer him. When I got back home the next day he was pissed. I didn't really understand why, but I didn't fight back. I just let him yell. Then I said okay. And I said sorry… and he didn't get drunk. And it didn't hurt that night when we had sex because I wanted it. I wanted to love him again. And for a while things were okay.
"Of course eventually I had to tell him about the baby. I had decided to keep it, which you knew, and I told him he had a choice. Give up the drinking and the yelling and the fighting, or lose me and the baby. He was mad, I could see it in his eyes, but he didn't say a word. When I was finished he just stood up and left. I little while I called you. But then he came home and he was drunk as shit, and I couldn't handle it. I locked the door and didn't come out, and he slept on the couch.
"When I woke up the next day he was sober. He made breakfast and bought me flowers and a teddy bear for Elie. She still has it. He said he was sorry. He was going to stop drinking. And he did, for a while. And I decided to stop making him mad, so we wouldn't have to fight. Which meant I didn't go out, I didn't talk to my friends, and I only hung out the people he hung out with. And thing were really really good, for a while.
"And then I started getting fat… So we stopped having sex. And then things changed again. He wouldn't come home sometimes, or he would just leave for a week and I knew he was cheating. And then one night he came home and he was drunk again. Didn't say a damn word to me, just slept on the couch. I felt so lonely that night…The next day he said he had some business to take care of with a friend. It was up near his Mom's house so he would be staying there for a couple weeks. It didn't make any sense, but I said okay.
"Then I called you and begged your ass to come see me. I lied to you, told you everything was good. I think I was saying it more for me then you. I guess I thought that once she was born things would go back to how they were. Once my body was back and shape so we could have sex again, and the baby was here… then he would have everything he wanted. And we could be happy again. I guess I was wrong. Anyway, up until you came to see me I'd been all by myself. But then when you got there it felt different. Like different from when I was with his friends of his family. I felt whole again… and it confused me really bad. And I kissed you… I don't know why I did it.
"He didn't come home until a couple days before Christmas. I remember talking to you some of those nights. I felt so sad and alone… talking to you made me feel better. Anyway, when he got back he was sober, and he was happy again. He'd told me we were going to visit his mom, and we did. And things were really good… until New Year's Eve. Him and his cousin started taking shots while me and his mom were out shopping. That's when I found your bracelet. When I came home he was fucked up… I asked him why he did it. And then he started yelling, told me I couldn't tell him what to do… and I just got mad. Really mad. I pushed him, and that's what started it. That was the first time he ever hit me.
"He apologized a lot, but I didn't care. He wasn't supposed to hit me, that's not how it works. But I blamed myself for it… I guess that's why I let it go so fast. Then he went to see his friends and I came to see you. And I didn't really feel bad about the whole thing until I saw that look on your face… because no one else cared. Everyone saw him hit me and they didn't say a damn thing. But you cared… and that hurt worst.
"Then the next day you kissed me. And I don't know why you did it, or why it felt so damn good, but God… It felt good. I felt loved again. Truly loved. You made me feel like a real person Quinn, not someone you could just fuck and leave and beat on… And as good as it felt it hurt too because I couldn't drag you down with me. I didn't want that for you.
"After that things got bad again. Tony would drink and he would smack me sometimes. I didn't even know what I was doing wrong or how I deserved it… but I just took it. And then there were the nights when he would leave and I would feel so lonely. But then when he came back I was still lonely. And I didn't understand it. I didn't know why I hurt so bad whether he was there or not there. Because before, I would only feel lonely when he wasn't around… but then I was lonely no matter what.
"I got put on bed rest after a while, and Tony went out of town so I had to stay at with his parents. I knew where he was the whole time… He was with this woman he met through one of his friends. He stayed drunk the whole time he was gone, I know because he only calls me when he's sober. He didn't call once…
"The funny thing is that I started calling you after that. And the lonely feeling went away… I didn't feel bad anymore. I felt happy for a while, and it was because of you. But then Tony came back and I couldn't talk to you anymore. And that feeling came back… and it made me afraid because I was having a baby with him but I couldn't stop thinking about you…
"The fights got worse. He didn't hit me a lot because I didn't fight back. I didn't want Elieana to get hurt, so I just let him scream at me and slap me and stuff… but I kept her safe. And then I got the phone call from that whore he was cheating on me with… and I blew up. He got mad and pushed me down the stairs.
"When I was in the hospital with you Quinn… I felt so torn. I knew what you were offering me, but I couldn't take it. I said all those things because I didn't want you to stay and not live your life because I made so many mistakes. And yeah, the money, the house, the car… that was a big part of it because without him I had nothing. But I wanted you to experience everything you could… And then he called me and told me it wouldn't happen again. And I believed him. I don't know why… but I knew without him, I had nothing. I have too much pride sometimes… because if I had been smart I would have just told him to go to hell. I should have pressed charges or something. But I didn't, because I was too proud to be left with nothing.
"When you walked out the door it hurt so bad… I felt my only chance slipping away from me. And then you said you loved me, and I knew I had to let you go. Because if you knew I loved you too you would never leave. Never get your chance at a real life. I'd screwed so much up and I didn't want to make you live with my consequences.
"I never called you again after that. But I sent the letters… that was the only way I could keep the ties between you and Elie, because I knew that unless I left him you would never see her again. And it started getting worse. He started hitting me every time he drank. And then when he didn't drink. And I would fight back at first, but I would always just end up on the floor, waiting for him to stop. He never did it in front of Elieana, and that's the only thing I can thank him for…
"It went on for a year. This last time was the worst though… it was more than just scrapes and bruises this time, it was broken bones. I blacked out, woke up next to her crib. The neighbors called the cops, and when they got there I was just singing to her. It was all I could do, I couldn't pick her up. A nurse took care of her while I was in the hospital. I'm still not supposed to hold her, but I don't really care. I love her with my whole heart Quinn… You and her… You two are all I have.
"Tony got arrested, but I'm sure he's out on bail. Me and Elie stayed at the motel for almost a month, until I drained all my savings. I knew I would end up calling you sometime… But I didn't want to. But I had no other option. He was going to find me eventually. Two days ago I ran out of money. We've slept in the car until I finally got up the courage to call you. I know I should have been working on getting a job or an apartment or something… There are so many things I should have been doing. But I didn't want to do those things alone. I feel so broken and stupid, and all those things Tony used to call me… they feel so true now.
"I didn't call you so you could pick me up and help me put my life back together, even though I know that's what you're planning to do. I called you because for the past year, all I've thought about is you. All I've wanted is to call you and tell you to come get me out of this… hell. And I don't want you to save the day Quinn… I just want you to hold me and help me find the courage to save myself."
Please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors. I promise to fix them soon.