Author's Note: *whistles* There's an epilogue coming, of course, but here's the last full chapter of this smutty bit of crack or cracky bit of smut, whichever you prefer. As usual, I own no one save Ensign Mendoza and Technician Patel, who further reinforce the theory I have very bossy OCs who demand their share of page time. Thanks to anyone who's read and reviewed, and I hope you enjoyed this rather peculiar ride.
"Hill!" Nothing in Fury's tone tipped Maria off. She'd gotten accustomed to him barking out her name on an almost daily basis. "Did you turn my ship into some kind of flying brothel?"
Oh damn. Maria smiled tightly. "No, sir. If it was a brothel, I'd be getting paid. Who told you?" Maria narrowed her eyes at Stark, looking rather smug, slouched against a panel. "Wait, let me guess."
"Not me, Princess." Stark shrugged lightly. At least Banner and Rogers had the grace to look somewhat ashamed. "You think I want that merry-go-round to stop?"
"Stark, until I figure out what is happening on my damn ship, shut the hell up." Fury turned his blazing eye back on her. "Do you want to try and explain why Director Fisher asked if I could 'hook her up' with Thor?"
"She has needs?" Banner's lips quirked into a half-grin, and somehow the bridge crew kept what was left of their composure.
"I pay you to do science and to smash things, not for your sarcasm, Doctor." Forget veins, Fury's capillaries were twitching.
"That would be my job." Of course Stark couldn't leave well enough alone.
"Director Fisher seemed to be under the impression everyone on this damn ship's slept with Thor," Fury said, ignoring the trio of Avengers behind him. Clint and Natasha were probably doing something that involved safewords, and Thor was - damn, where was he? Nowhere near here, Maria hoped.
"That's not true. Not exactly," Maria qualified. Technician Galles swivelled around his chair, not playing one of his games for once. Maria shook her head, but subtlety wasn't one of the man's strong suits. "We'll discuss it later."
"But...I'm still going to get my full turn, right? I know it was a false alarm but we didn't even get past second base."
"I'm betting that happens a lot with you on the ground," Stark said, rolling his eyes. Galles didn't say a word, just lowered his head.
"Is there anyone here who did not sleep with our resident sex god?" Fury scanned the bridge slowly. Galles half-raised his hand before he dropped it in his lap.
"But if you read the myths, he actually is a sex god-" Little Mendoza, now with a rather sleek haircut and a hint of eyeliner, blushed and looked intently at her console before Fury could lay into her and end her career before it even began.
"Oh, put your hand up." Every pair and half-pair of eyes on the bridge turned to look in various stages of disbelief, amusement, and all-too-appropriate fury in the half-pair's case, to Stark. Stark was looking at Rogers, and Rogers looked to the bridge door just as Thor entered. "We all know the Snow Queen here didn't sleep with Thor."
Thor laughed, and Maria felt the temperature in the bridge rise, and the eyes in back of her head saw hands wiping at suddenly sweaty brows.
"Man of Iron, Captain Rogers is certainly no queen." Thor shook his head and smiled, seemingly oblivious of the crew's lustful stares and Fury's quiet apoplexy. "But if you chide him for his frigidity, you are most mistaken."
"So...you're telling me...you and Thor..." Maria smirked and crossed her arms over her chest, and relished in watching Stark squirm.
"I was trying to tell you, Tony, but you wouldn't listen. And it was definitely before your little peace plan in the sky," Rogers said, breaking his silence.
Bruce pressed a hand to his mouth, trying to keep his laughter in, but failed. "I guess he's the first Avenger in every way."
"No, no, no. When did this even happen?" Tony blinked away the shock and stalked towards the star-spangled strumpet. "I want dates, places, positions, every last sordid little detail."
"You're not getting the last one, Tony, but it started a few months ago. In the tower, if you have to know."
"When did you have time? A few months ago the tower was Doombot Central..." A little gear clicked in Tony's brained and he whirled between the Captain and Thor. "At least that's what you told me. Oh my god, do you mean instead of Doom destroying half my stuff, that was the two of you?"
"We were attempting to be careful, Man of Iron," Thor said, still managing to look both sheepish and sexy. "We were not always successful in that."
"You guys took out my bar, a table from Italy made by blind monks or deaf monks or blind-deaf monks, the 30th floor garden and pool, half of Bruce's lab and-" Tony's vision went white and he was going to go down to his quarters right now and get the Mark VII and kill them both. "You had sex in my Saleen S7. And then you destroyed it."
"We did not have sex in your vehicle," Thor said, but Tony was still trying to think of ways to kill a god. Hell, Tony would contract Loki out for the job. "We had sex atop it."
"You know what, I take the sordid details bit back, but the two of you owe me pretty much forever, which in both of your cases actually means something." Tony could hear his heart pounding in his ears, and damned if there wouldn't be some 'friendly fire' the next time he suited up.
"I'm sorry, Tony." Of course the overgrown and oversexed Boy Scout would try to apologize. "The car thing was kind of my idea. It all was. I was feeling a little lonely and-"
"Have you ever heard of a Playboy? Or the new kind of talking pictures where people take off their clothes?" Tony was so making Jarvis introduce the Captain to the seedier side of the Internet as soon as they were on solid ground, when Tony felt more helpful and less homicidal.
"I'm sure we can make amends somehow," Thor said, his voice low and rolling as the thunder, and another sort of restitution popped into Tony's mind and other portions of his anatomy.
Of course Fury would have to kill the moment by remembering how to speak, and remembering he wanted to kill them all first. "I don't want to hear another word! I just want all of you off my bridge." Fury's good eye fixed on Tony, then on Hill. "We will have words later. Lots of words, and none from the two of you." Then it locked solidly on Thor. "You, you're not going anywhere."
Thor looked a little helpless at that, and Tony clapped him on the arm as the bridge crew began making a graceful scramble for the exit. "If he tries anything," Tony said in a low voice, "just remember: go for the blind spots."
Gabriella Mendoza never expected she'd be popular enough to have this many people in her room. Half the bridge crew were crammed into her tiny quarters, the rest crowded into the hall outside.
"We could so rescue him. There's a lot more of us-"
"And then we'd all be the most overqualified baristas with top secret clearance tomorrow."
"I'm never going to get my turn if the Director kills him."
"There's no way he can kill him. But what if he...cuts off...you know...?"
"He was pretty good with everything else."
"Quiet! I think I got the audio feed from my console!" Mendoza pushed her hair back behind her ear; Patel from Navigation gave her a smile that made her glad she was sitting down.
"If Fury's chopping stuff off, I saw we get Dr. Banner, he gets the Hulk, and we deny everything."
"Shhhhh!" The sound was distorted, but Gabriella was sure she heard voices. Not so much words, but grunts and moans. She went to cut the signal but Patel shooed her hand away.
"Keep it on! How much do you want to bet Thor has some weird daddy kink with Fury?"
"Just because Odin is allegedly on the cranky side and missing an eye doesn't mean anything-" Gabriella blushed as voices broke out clear and distinct in the tiny, almost claustrophobic room.
"Who's a bad boy," Fury's voice said, not sounding like any Director Fury they knew , and Patel began to laugh.
"Oh, you have been a very wicked child," Thor's voice replied, and Fury made a little muffled 'oof' before the sound of something - or someone - dropping on someone else could just be heard. "I am going to have to be most rigorous in my punishment."
Gabriella pressed her hands to a suddenly flushed face as the crack of Thor's hand came over the speaker. The bridge crew dissolved into giggles, even as many of them started looking amorously at one another, pulling themselves out of her room for more private pursuits.
"Oh, you're not the only one with red cheeks," Patel whispered, a hand upon her shoulder.
Gabriella shooed out the last few voyeurs and muted the feed before she pulled Patel onto her bunk. Her breath was hot upon his ear, her fingers pulling at his regulation-length black hair. Her uniform felt too tight, her body too warm, and she felt like a goddess as she arched into him.
Praise to the Gods, indeed.