Chapter 20
A few weeks passed after the incident between Louise and Doritha. Kid hadn't talked to Lou since their argument that day. Of course he had seen her often since she was now working for Tompkins, and whenever he needed something from the store, she was there. She acted as if he didn't exist, addressing him in a stilted way only if Kid had to pay for something and the store keeper wasn't available in that moment. It pained him to see how they had ended up… like a pair of strangers.
Now that he was fully aware of his deep feelings for Lou, they seemed to intensify as time went by. Even though he tried his hardest to get her out of his mind, he felt unable to do it. Every time he saw her, unbeknown to her, he kept entranced by the image before him. Kid just couldn't help himself. His own actions were out of his control, and he knew that he went to the store every opportunity he had, just to see her. He was even the first one to volunteer whenever Rachel needed provisions or something else from Tompkins. Naturally his lack of subtlety attracted his friend's curiosity and Kid had to bear more of their wisecracks, especially from Cody and Jimmy. He tried to pay them no heed because after all, they weren't saying anything that wasn't true. He was literally crazy for Lou and everybody could see that. At least, Teaspoon had stood aside and never mentioned the matter to him again. Kid knew that the marshal wasn't one to meddle in his riders' affairs of the heart and just offered his invaluable and wise advice when they came asking for it, never before.
As for Doritha, nothing much had changed between the two of them. Despite their terrible fight those weeks ago, she had never mentioned anything about it, and even though her plans of forcing Lou out of Rock Creek hadn't succeeded, she seemed happy and lighthearted. It was clear to anybody that the relationship between him and Louise had been broken and they never talked anymore. Doritha never brought up the girl or the incident during her engagement dinner in their conversations at all, and Kid was just relieved that they weren't arguing about it anymore. Kid was trying his best to re-spark the love between him and his girlfriend, that love he had been so sure about just weeks ago, but something had definitely happened inside him. He was forced to admit that what he once felt for Doritha was gone and maybe forever.
It was so confusing to think that in just a short time things had changed for him so drastically, and he felt completely lost. The truth of his situation had struck him hard and all he could do was accept anything that came his way. He might not love Doritha as deeply as he felt for Lou, but he'd make sure that he made her happy. It wasn't her fault that his feelings for her had changed. Their wedding was just in one month's time, and Kid was already dreading the moment. Doritha was busy lately with all the arrangements for their special day. She seemed to be over the moon with anticipation, and it pained the Southerner terribly that he couldn't share her excitement. Their future plans were still unclear, and Kid didn't have the energy to force her to talk about them. He just didn't care anymore and would willingly accept anything she wanted for their future.
The feelings of guilt were strong on him and he went out of his way to show his fiancée the love he actually didn't feel, showering her with presents and flowers every day, displaying his affection for her in any way he could and silently repeating to himself that he'd do his best to turn their coming marriage into a happy one. After all, many other couples might have less in common than they had, and they had fruitful and good marriages. Why couldn't they then? He had been in love with Doritha and maybe the old feelings would resurface. Kid couldn't help but feel like a hypocrite; he was ready to pledge eternal love for a woman while he wanted another. He even fantasized about Lou every night; the two of them living a happy life together, the kind of life he was dreading to have with Doritha. When he woke up the following morning, realizing that it had been just a dream, he felt irritated and forlorn for hours.
Today as usual Kid went through the same routine of the last few weeks. After finishing his share of chores around the station, he headed for town straightaway. His purpose like every day was to buy a little something for Doritha, a poor substitute for his flawed love. Aware that he couldn't aspire to dream about Lou, he resigned himself to just a small treat. He simply wanted to have a simple glimpse at her, and that would be enough for him… just a little tiny glimpse of her… nothing else. Usually he sauntered around the store, stealing glances at her, glances that she never saw, and only when Tompkins sent her on an errand or she had to leave for some other reason, he had his pick and bought that trinket for Doritha. Although he knew it was foolish, he really felt awkward and embarrassed if he had to buy the present for his girl in front of Louise, and many times he had left the store empty-handed when it was clear that Lou wasn't leaving that day.
Kid made his way to the store and as he looked around, he didn't see Louise anywhere. Apparently Tompkins was on his own today, which surprised him since he knew that Lou's day off was on Thursday. He felt disappointed for her absence, and even though he would have liked to ask the store keeper for her, he didn't dare, so he opted for hunting for that present for Doritha. Directing his steps at the far end of the store, he stood in front of the jewels on display. He didn't have much to spend, but after last night's hints from Doritha he had no doubt what she really wanted. So he thought to stretch his possibilities and buy her a little jewel and satisfy his girl's whim.
Kid stood before the cabinet where several necklaces, bracelets and other jewels were displayed. The rider kept staring at the items, not sure what Doritha would really like. She was a lady of expensive tastes, and he imagined that she would prefer anything which wasn't too simple. His attention completely focused on the jewels, he almost jumped out of his skin as a voice resounded by his side. "See anything you like?"
Kid looked up and saw the store keeper next to him. "I ain't sure," Kid replied sincerely.
"Are you looking for something special for that lovely fiancée of yours?" Tompkins asked again and Kid simply nodded. "Women are of a kind hard to please, uh?"
"Tell me about it!" Kid exclaimed, which brought a smile to the normally frumpy store keeper's mouth.
"What you need, Kid, is a woman's useful tips," Tompkins added, and before the rider could react, he called out, "Louise! Come here a moment!"
Kid was taken by surprised and panicked as he realized that he was about to find himself in a very uncomfortable position. "It's all right, Mr. Tompkins," he stuttered nervously. "Don't bother yourself."
"Nonsense," the older man retorted as he called Louise's name a second time. A few seconds later the girl stepped into the room from seemingly the back of the store.
"Do you need my help, Mr. Tompkins?"
"Yeah. Could you help Kid here to choose something for his lady while I prepare that order for Mrs. Gordon?" Tompkins explained.
"Sure," she replied without a hint of doubt in her voice. The store keeper walked toward the other end of the room, and Kid noticed how Lou adopted a proud stance as she approached. She never looked his way, and in the brief lapse Kid took his time to study her. Her hair was longer now, framing her face delicately; the contrast between her dark tresses and her pale skin highlighted her soft features, and now that she had started dressing more in accordance with her age, the skirts and blouses she wore enhanced her slender figure.
Lou reached him and asked in a curt tone, "Anything I can do for you?"
Kid fumbled for words, feeling very awkward in her presence, not only because of their last fall-out but also because of the awakening feelings he had for her. He had the sensation he was like a child who would blunder it at any moment, leaving him like an idiot before her. As Kid seemed undecided to talk, Louise asked again, "You want to buy one of these?"
"Uh… yeah," Kid replied, rubbing his neck as a way to diffuse his frayed nerves.
Lou didn't say anything and proceeded to open the cabinet and take out the tray with the different shiny items. Not once did she try to lift her eyes to Kid, and she kept her attention focused on the task at hand. She felt her insides shivering and cursed herself for her bad luck. It was a torture for her poor soul to see Kid almost on a daily basis, and she forced herself to keep away from him. She tried to avoid him as much as possible, replaying all those arguments they had, but it seemed that her infatuation with him was stronger than she had thought.
These past weeks had been a nightmare, crying herself to sleep almost every night. She felt betrayed and hurt, and couldn't really understand his attitude towards her. Of course he would side with his girlfriend; after all she was nothing to him. They might have shared some good moments together, but Doritha was his future wife, whether she wanted it or not. She had been such a fool!
Kid remained silent and his hesitancy was getting on her nerves, so she couldn't help but snap, "Do you plan to make up your mind any time today? I don't have much time to waste!"
Kid shot her an irritated look, which she never saw and he said, "I ain't sure." He relapsed into silence again and daring to try his luck, he asked awkward, "Uh… which … which one do you like best?"
For the first time Lou directed her eyes to him and instead of giving in to the temptation of turning round and leaving him high and dry, she decided to answer his question. "This one," she muttered, picking up a fine chain with a delicate pendant in the shape of a small flower.
"It's lovely," Kid whispered, mentally picturing the silvery chain on her slim neck.
"I guess it ain't what you came looking for," she let out in a soft voice, knowing that his fiancée surely wouldn't be just happy with such a simple and cheap trinket.
Kid didn't try to reply or contradict her remark, and after a while and against his better reasoning, he couldn't help himself anymore and blurted out, "I miss you, Lou."
At his words she lifted her eyes to his and was drawn to his intense gaze. She felt her throat go dry and her lips slightly shiver. The effect he had on her was so strong that any little detail could leave her vulnerable and shaky. She couldn't make herself speak and simply kept staring at his bright eyes. "I really do," he repeated in a whisper. They were very close, just the narrow cabinet separating them, and Kid felt tempted to reach out to touch her face, but he didn't move. He kept peering into her big eyes, lost in the moment.
A voice in the room brought them back to reality and Louise lowered her eyes, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. Realizing that the store keeper was calling her, she answered with a trembling voice, "I'll be right with you, Mr. Tompkins." The words the man told her escaped her grasp in the distracted state she was in. All she wanted was to get away from Kid's intoxicating presence and without even looking at him, she simply muttered, "I have to go."
Nervously and with quick steps she crossed the length of the room towards where Tompkins stood. Kid kept staring after her, unable to tear his eyes from her figure and only when she disappeared into the back store again, he moved towards the door. Today he just couldn't bring himself to finish what he had come to the store for. It wouldn't be right to buy something for Doritha when his whole mind was completely invaded by images of Lou's profound eyes. They would haunt him today and no matter how fast he ran, he wouldn't be able to get rid of them.
It was a cold day. The sun tried in vain to fight the clouds threatening to blind it while a freezing wind howled ominously. This year the winter seemed to resist the coming of the desired spring and it was an atypical day for the end of March. Kid rode his mare at a leisurely pace as his mind battled the disturbing thoughts which kept pestering him overwhelmingly. His brief encounter with Lou had left him hurt and with an intense longing. All his heart desired was to break free from everything and make Lou part of his life. He felt that if given the opportunity, he and the petite girl could be very happy together.
To begin with, he had more in common with Louise than with Doritha. The rider had to admit, though, that he didn't even know how she felt towards him, and her clear reticence to men didn't work in his favor at all. Yet, he felt positive that those feelings might grow in her eventually. He would show her how special she was to him and how deeply he already loved her. Or … she might even already have those feelings for him, which she might not be aware of. It had happened to him, so why couldn't it be the same with Lou?
The thought brought a smile to his lips. Could he really expect for things to work out for him? It was in that same moment that Doritha's house appeared before him and the smile erased straightaway. There was nothing to expect; he wasn't a free man to pursue his dreams. He and Doritha were engaged to be married in just a few weeks and there was no way back. He kept repeating the last words silently, trying to convince himself that he was just doing the right thing. But … a thought crept into his mind unexpectedly… was it right to marry a woman when his heart belonged to another? He knew that this thing for Lou was kind of sudden, but however heart-breaking, he didn't want to pass over all this like a shadow. He hadn't felt this strongly before, and it scared him to death to think that he might not feel the same again. Should he carry on with their wedding despite everything? He knew that he would be deceiving Doritha and himself, and maybe he should be sincere with her. She deserved at least that, and he reckoned that they each had a right to be happy, maybe with other people. Teaspoon was right; he might make a fatal mistake which would end up turning their marriage into an agonizing suffering.
Kid stopped at the first step leading to the porch. Could he really bring himself to break his engagement with Doritha? It wouldn't be easy, and he knew that she'd be hurt terribly, but now he was starting to see things in a new, clearer light. He needed to be brave and finish things between them, things that seemed to have been over for much longer. Since the very beginning of her arrival in Rock Creek, he and Doritha hadn't had it easy at all, and he hardly had any memories of good times. He could understand that they were different and they would only manage to make a disastrous marriage. It had been months of constant arguments and unhappiness, at least for him. They had gradually drifted apart even though unconsciously, and this new thing with Lou had just made their lack of affinity a more evident reality. He had no right to destroy Doritha's chance to be happy when it was clear that he couldn't be the man who would be able to succeed in the task. She didn't have to pay for his mistakes simply because he didn't stop things on time.
Kid walked up the steps to the porch slowly, fighting with himself whether to tackle the situation right there and now. As he had told Teaspoon a few weeks before, the thought that she had left everything and traveled thousands of miles for his sake weighed on his soul. It would be like leaving her in the cold, but he told himself that he'd make sure that she got back to Virginia and her family safely if that was what she wanted. Kid was even ready to part with every single penny of his savings and sell the property he'd just bought to make it up to her. Doritha wasn't really in need of money, but he felt he had to do something to purge his tormented soul. Guilt didn't leave him and he knew he was going to cause her terrible pain, but it just wasn't right to turn blind to their situation. Both he and Doritha needed to face the reality they had and stop deceiving themselves any longer.
Kid stood before the door, hesitating whether to knock, and breathing in deeply to steady his frayed nerves, he finally mustered the courage to pound on the beautifully carved door. A few seconds later Doritha was before him, smiling brightly and for a brief moment the rider thought that after all he wouldn't have the guts to carry out his intentions. Yet, like transported to another time, he envisioned the future lain ahead for him if he married this woman. Fights, disappointments and bitterness were all he could see, and an agonizing dread crept into his spirit. Then he felt his lips being pressed by others, and he snapped out of his ominous daydreaming suddenly. Doritha was giving him a lingering kiss and when she pulled away, she noticed her fiancé's pallor and grave features.
"Kid, are you all right?" she asked, eyeing him carefully.
Kid nodded faintly and let himself be dragged to her lounge. They dropped onto the sofa without a single word; he could feel her curious looks boring in him and before he could chicken out, he decided to speak up. "Doritha, we need to talk," he said in a calmer voice than he felt.
"Talk about what?" she asked, taken back by his seriousness.
"Us, the wedding…," he started awkwardly, but she cut him off in mid-sentence, not giving him the opportunity to finish the sentence.
"Yeah, you're right," she said cheerfully, internally relieved. By his demeanor she'd have thought that he was going to bring her bad news while all he wanted to talk about was the wedding, their glorious wedding. "I wanted to ask you something. Uh… Should we have lilies or camellias for the church decoration?"
Kid sighed wearily and added, "Please Doritha. Could we forget about all those tiresome arrangements and talk seriously at least once?" The girl opted for not retorting and turned her whole attention to him. Kid took her hands in his and caressed them softly. "Doritha, you're an amazing woman," he said, meeting her gaze with a mixture of dread and anxiety.
The woman smiled happily and added, "You're also a good man."
Faintly he heard a door open and some muffled voices in the hall and he continued shakily, "I've been thinking about us a lot," he paused briefly to steady himself. "Things have been a bit hard, you know, well… actually very hard and … I …"
"Yes?" Doritha urged him, running out of patience with his hesitancy.
"I … I think it would be better for everybody if…" He didn't finish the sentence as the door to the lounge opened and Mary stepped in.
"Ma'am, sorry to interrupt, but there's a gentleman to see you. He says it's very urgent."
"Who is he?" Doritha asked from her position on the sofa.
"Never saw him before," the maid answered in her usual curt tone.
"Well, let him in," the lady replied, intrigued by this mysterious visitor and turning to Kid, she said, "I'll deal with whoever it is quickly, and we'll continue our little chat a bit later."
Kid nodded, irritated by this untimely interruption. Just when he had managed to muster the courage and was ready to talk to Doritha, this visit was a real setback to his intentions. Now he'd have to go through the same agony again and rack his brain to find the right words to tell her. He wished he could already have finished this disturbing business once and for all.
Doritha let go of his hands and stood up, smoothing the creases of her elegant skirt. The door opened again and a man stepped in. It took Kid a few seconds to recognize him and when he did, he muttered the name in surprise, "Garth."
He directed his gaze to Doritha who first appeared to stiffen as soon as she laid eyes on him. Yet, she managed to plaster a smile on her face and exclaimed, "Why, Garth! What a nice and unexpected surprise! What brings you here?"
The man didn't utter a single word and crossing the length of the room in a few strides, he stood before the blonde woman. "Doritha, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," he said in a grave voice, making the lady look at him with absolute dread. Nobody spoke for what seemed like hours and Garth finally let out, "Your father's dead."