It all started with an ordinary headache, that wouldn't go away and kept getting stronger. I heard a sound too, like a dryer that kept buzzing in my ears. There was pressure on my head, and I felt sick. Sometimes I lost my balance when walking, and the urge to trow up was strong. I thought it was a cold. That made sense, Rima just got rid of the flue. She had had a very strong case and hadn't been able to go to school for almost three weeks. I had visited her every day, and even though she had insisted that I wouldn't come close it was still possible to pick it up. The microbes that bring viruses go through the air, after all.
It was Rima who made me go to the doctor. The doctor said that it was a good idea to go to the hospital where they could make a scan of my head.
"Maybe there is something wrong. I don't think it will be too serious, but I had this patient who had the exact same complains, and he had meningitis."
"What is that?" asked Rima.
"I'll explain later." I said.
I was happy that the doctor hadn't heard what she asked, for he could fall into long, boring explanations very easily and I didn't want to fall asleep. That would be rude. I remember when Mum took Ami to the doctor when she had a lot of pain in her ears. I had to carry her, because Mum was pregnant. It is really weird to see your Mum pregnant when you're sixteen, and your sister twelve. I have a baby brother now. His name is Haruki. Anyway, Ami asked something about pregnancy and the doctor kept telling and telling and it ended with both Mum and Ami asleep, which was very good because she slept bad but also very funny. Mum didn't dare to face the doctor for four months, until dad dragged her to him. I still smile when I think of it.
I had my scan at the Hoshigaoka Koseinenkin Hospital in Osaka two weeks later. The next day, the doctor called me. I was surprised that the results were in so quickly, but looking back now I think it was pretty normal.
"Hinamori-san..." He said, his voice soft, " You have a tumor in your head."
At first, the only thing I thought of was that he was very direct. It was almost annoying. Wasn't there a better way to say that to a person? Then it hit me. Wait... a tumor. In my head. The only place I thought no one could enter. Except him, of course. Now some cells went out of their way and the result was... I stopped thinking.
"Really..?" was all I could say.
He sighed. "There really is a tumor in your head, miss. And there is a good thing and a bad thing about that. The good thing is that it will be very easy to operate, but that bad thing is that it is very big and it is a bad cancer."
"Bad cancer?" I asked. I knew some medical things, especially about pregnancy, but I was not familiar with cancer.
"There are two kinds of cancer. Good cancer only pushes and moves the other cells, and bad cancer destroys them, too. And from the ways the cells were, the doctors thought it was a very fast growing one."
So I not only had a very big thing in my head, but it also grew fast and destroyed my brain. Wait, again. My brain? Was I going dumb?
Apparently I said that aloud, because the doctor answered: " I don't know. You may face some, or a lot, of memory loss, and the ability to speak, or the connection to the nerves in your arms or legs."
This was going too far. I just stared into space.
"Hinamori-san? Hinamori-san?" the doctor asked on the other side of the line.
"Yes?" I said absent minded.
"I need to tell you more."
I sighed. More?
"There are two ways they can help you in the hospital: with chemo therapy or an operation. I suggest both. But it's up to you to decide. And...one more thing. At this rate, you will have three months more to live, or less. I suggest you go to the hospital soon."
I nodded, but remembering this was on the phone, I said: "Yes, of course. Doctor-san, are you sure that I only have about three months left?"
"I'm very, very deeply sorry to say this, Hinamori-san, but it is true."
A tear ran over my cheek. I didn't bother to wipe it away.
"I have contacted your parents, and if you call to the hospital doctor Iragawa will help you farther."
"Thank you." I said. I managed to say it clearly, even with the lump in my throat.
"I'm so sorry that I have to say this to you, and I hope you will be able to walk out the hospital one day as if nothing ever happened, really." He said. I hoped so too.
"Thank you." I said again.
"Well, that was it then. Good evening, Hinamori-san." he said. Good evening?
"Good evening to you too." I said and I put down the phone.
I just sat down, my gaze locked to the floor. For an exchange, my mind was completely blank. The next thing I saw were feet in white socks. I looked up. Rima.
"What I just heard, was it right?" I mentally winced. She must have heard the things I said.
I nodded, slowly.
"I have a tumor in my head and I have only three months of life left, yes." I said, not making it more difficult than it was.
Rima started to shiver, just like when she is angry. For some reason I was afraid.
"Noooo!" she shouted like crazy. I'm sure that the whole neighbourhood heard her. Surely Utau and Kukai heard her, because they came down right after. Even Nagihiko showed up from the kitchen. And I thought I was the only one home.
"What? What happened?" Kukai asked bewildered, looking around as if he expected a robber standing in the doorway waving a giant sword.
"Amu's going to die in three months because of a tumor in her head!" screamed Rima. Auw. I guess that were my tympana.
Utau had gotten big eyes. Big teary eyes.
"Is that true, Amu?" Nagi asked.
"Yes. Pretty much true." I said.
The room exploded. Suddenly there was screaming, yelling, crying, and a lot of questions. I tried to explain, but they wouldn't listen. I felt like I needed to escape. I got up fast and ran to the door, taking my bag when I passed.
I ran blindly, not seeing where I was going. I ended at the station. For an unknown reason I took the first train available. It was a train that went to the coast and I rode it till the end. I went to the beach. There were not much people, maybe because there was a very strong wind. I didn't mind. I just stood there, not thinking at all.
Thoughts slipped in my head, and I looked at them very closely.
There was a very, very big chance I would die. No! I screamed inside. It's not fair! I am only 17! I am too young to die! Way too young!
Tears blurred my vision. I sank to my knees, embracing them, and cried as I had never cried before. After some time I finally calmed down some bit. I lay down on the sand now.
I did some serious thinking. First, it wasn't sure that I would die. The chemo and operation could save me. But there was this big chance...
Staring at the sea, for some reason I found peace. I accepted it. I don't know why, but I felt that fighting against the knowledge would not bring me anywhere. The crying had helped me to clear my mind. If I wanted to survive, I had to focus on fighting the tumor. The doctors would help me with that.
And if I didn't made it in the end, I should make that what's left for me now a good time. A good time with my friends and family. If I die, I don't want to regret anything.
A new, unknown strength filled me. I was still sad and weary, but in my mind I started to make a list of what I wanted to do, a list of the things I would do.
At the top of the list was ...seeing him again. I knew that that wasn't exactly something that could happen. I would have to leave a note for Utau to give to him then.
Next... graduating. It was only a month away, that should be possible.
Let me see... I wanted to become a singer so I could make a lot of people happy, and Utau already asked me if Rima and I would like to join her. We had been practicing together already, and Utau and I had even written a couple of songs but we hadn't thought them good enough for a debut. Maybe... even that was possible.
And the last thing was pretty big: having a fun time with Rima, Utau, Nagi, Kukai, Ami, Haruki, Mum, Dad,... Oh, they wouldn't let me go. Specially dad, he will have it the hardest. I remembered what the doctor had said, that he had already contacted my parents. I wonder why they didn't call me. When he thought there was a slight possibility that I could even catch the flue from Rima, Dad flipped. Sheesh. He's so overprotective. He thinks it is very good I don't have boyfriends. Mum thinks something else, but she never spoke to me about it. I have no need for a boyfriend. I am actually happy now I don't have one. Just someone more I would have to tell that I was dying. A face with dark blue eyes and midnight blue hair flashed before my eyes, but I shook my head. Don't think that way, Amu I remind myself. But I'm not able to shake the image away.
The sun was setting when I took the train back. I tried to fix my appearance in the little bathroom in the train, but I couldn't do much about my red and puffy eyes.
Suddenly I remember that I left my cellphone at home, loading in my rome. Ah. So that's why I didn't got any calls or texts. I sighed. I bet they are worried dead at home. I'll have to explain much.