'I'm so happy I could say it', I thought as I slowly got out of my clothes to put on the hospital dress. I didn't really like it, but I had to wear it.
Outside of my changing room was my mother, waiting for me to finish so she could take the clothes to my room afterwards. For when I came out of the hospital.
They were simple, plain clothes: a black ruffled skirt and a hot pink shirt with a black leather jacket over it. The outfit was accompanied by black boots with hot pink laces. I've always liked the colours pink and black. It al started when my mother used to buy me gothic lolita clothes and I would wear them without complaints. After a while, I got not only used to it but started to like it too.
I opened the door and gave the stuff to my mother. She was just like all the others, paying extra ordinary attention to me and it was because of that she saw my hands were shaking.
"Hey, are you tired? You should rest a bit, darling. Yesterday is obviously taking revenge on you. Let's go to your room." With the clothes in her hands, she started to walk through the hospital corridors, occasionally nodding to a passing nurse.
We came to the section where I was going to stay. There were others here like me, with a tumor or a cancer. Some would survive, some would not. I was now one of them.
They had given me a single room. I walked to the window, ignoring the bed that seemed to scream: sick! Everything about the hospital seemed to scream that. The silence in the corridors, the whispering of the people, the occasional flowers or presents that were bought in the little shop at the entrance. The only section of the hospital where this kind of atmosphere wasn't noticeable, I thought, was the birth section. Happiness ruled there, mostly.
I leaned against the cold window. Outside was a garden with Sakura trees, fully blooming. I wondered if I could take a walk there, once. I liked these blossoms.
Somehow, I had to think of Ikuto when I thought about Sakura blossoms. The thought of Ikuto drove my depressing ideas about sickness away and I smiled lightly.
My mother had put the clothes and the other stuff she had brought away in the closet. She showed me the little bathroom and told me that it was going to be difficult to move around and go to the toilet when I had the infusion. It surprised me that she knew so much about the life in the hospital, but then again, this was Hinamori Midori, writer of countless articles.
She helped me in bed and made sure I was laying comfortable.
"I'm going home now. Your father may love Haruki a lot, I still don't trust him completely when he has to take care of himself. Never did that when you and Ami were small, too."
I laughed softly. Lately, everything I do seems to be softly or silently, or lightly. Like I don't have enough strength anymore for those things.
"It's alright. Give Dad a bit more credit. Ami is there, too."
"You're right, as usual. What should I do without you?" It was meant to be an rhetorical question that she had said so many times before, but now it weighed more. She brought her hands to her mouth, eyes brimming with tears.
"Sorry, Amu-chan. I didn't mean..."
"It's alright. Really, Mum, you've said that countless times before. Time goes on."
It took her a second to grasp what I had said and she hugged me, real tight.
"Oh, Amu-chan..."
"S'okay, Mum, s'okay." I whispered until she had calmed down. She smiled and left. I tried to sleep. It wasn't very hard when I thought of the day before.
We had al gathered to go to an amusements park. Even Yaya, Kairi and Tadase were there. It was the old gang, all over again. They were emotional in the beginning, but eventually they handled it. Yaya was the first. With a childish smile she had taken my hand and pulled me towards a ride. Never thought that could be a shield, a strengt, I mused. Her voice brought me back as I slowly fell asleep, recalling it all like a dream.
"Mou, Amu-chi! Go with me on that one too!" Yaya whined, even thou she was in her last year of high school now.
"The Snake! O, I'm so in!" Kukai said and he pulled Utau towards the ride Yaya was pointing to.
Rima puffed her cheeks and looked away, indicating that she didn't want to go on that one. Nagihiko saw it too.
"Hey, Rima, want to catch some ice cream?" He asked her, ever so polite. She took his hand and away they were.
Ikuto, Tadase and Kairi followed us. Kairi was pretty close by, since he and Yaya were a couple now. They had been an 'item' since a long time actually, pretty much since we all graduated and left Yaya as the only Gardian. They were made for each other. Kairi was always so serious and Yaya so light hearted that they made a perfect match. Just like Rima and Nagi, and Utau and Kukai. And Ikuto and me, I thought, and I blushed a little bit. Ikuto had noticed and looked at me and I swiftly turned my gaze away from him. First person I saw was Tadase, still so prince like, only grown up and matured. France had done him well.
Come to think of it, Tadase was the only one without a girlfriend. I turned around and asked him.
"And, Tadase-kun, is there any girl that you like?"
He blushed scarlet, immediately. I was very interested.
"Tell me everything. I want to know ~ so spill it!" That was Yaya.
Tadase turned away.
"I met her in Paris, at the Tour d'Eiffel. Her name is Lulu de Yamamoto Morcerf, and she is the daughter of a French noble and a Japanese mother."
I could tell from his expression that he liked this girl- a lot.
"Does she like you too?" I asked, pretty bluntly. He blushed some more.
"Yeah... we just got engaged, actually."
"Engaged, aren't you going a little bit too fast?" Ikuto asked.
"And that is coming from you, Ikuto-nii-san." Tadase answered.
I let out a laugh as Ikuto looked away. We had reached the waitingline by now and joined Utau and Kukai. Kukai was talking about some competition that was coming up and Utau was asking questions. I saw that he was happy that she was interested in his world, the world of soccer and world cups, and asked her questions in return. Another perfect couple.
"Tadase-kun has a girlfriend." I informed them."They are even engaged." I smiled when I said it.
"What? You should have told me earlier, bro! That's not something you can keep a secret!"
"Don't be too upset, Souma-kun. You can come to the wedding, all right? We will hold it at the start of august."
Everyone besides Tadase shot me a glance. They all knew there was a chance that I would not be there with them at that time. Tadase seemed to understand that, too. He quickly offered his apologies but I shook it off.
We went on the ride. On lots of rides, actually.
We had lots of fun, too. It was indeed the old gang all over again.
I woke up at four pm. My mouth was dry and I came out of the bed to get a cup of water, only to discover that someone, probably a nurse, had put a cup on the bedside table. If I had discovered that before, I could be still relaxed in the warm bed.
I felt the presence of the boy before he spoke.
"You're new." he said, simply stating a fact.
I looked up and examined him before I said something. He was young, I guess about twelve or thirteen years old but his eyes seemed to say that his soul was older. I knew it sounded strange, but it was as if he had been through so much that he no longer was a child, no longer thought as a child and had lost innocence. Pity flew through me and I knew in an instant that he would not want that.
"Yes, that's right." I said. I knew nothing better to say.
He nodded. "I know everyone here."
I stayed silent. My head was buzzing, as if someone had freed a whole swarm of bees in my skull.
"I'm Natsu." he said and then he disappeared. I quickly ran to the door and watched the corridors, but he was already gone.
My words died away on my lips. "I'm Amu."
They came a little later. My mother was there, accompanied by a doctor and a nurse.
"They are going to start the first chemo therapy, sweetheart." She said and she kissed me on my forehead. "Good luck."
I had to go lay in the bed again and we rode off. I knew I had to be in the bed because I would not be able to walk myself back.
I closed my eyes.
*** Natsu's pov ***
Today a new girl arrived on our department. I knew her. She was Hinamori Amu, the girl that became a pop star and then announced that she was dying from cancer, from a tumor in her head. I secretly had to admire her. She seemed so brave, calm, accepting. As if accepting all this was her strength. Her mum was there, to send her off to the chemo chambers for the first time. I wished my mum had done that for me. I pushed the thought away immediately.
I sat in my room and looked out of the window to the cherry trees. I waited for her to come back. She wouldn't look good. She would throw up, and have a fever. And even though I had lived through that many times already, no, because of that, I felt bad for her. It was strange. I had never felt bad for anyone, not even for myself. Only for Kyla. I pushed that thought away too. There are things you rather not think about. Why? Just, because.
*** Amu's pov, time skip to the evening***
I don't think I had ever felt this bad before. I'm weak, my muscles don't want to listen to me and keep on shaking and I threw up my breakfast. A silent tear escaped my eye. I let it. There was no one in my room except me. The curtains were closed, it was already dark and a light was lit, but the room wasn't really light. Just dimly lit. My mum went home half an hour ago. She has the others to take care of.
Others. My thoughts flew to Ikuto, Utau, Rima, Kukai, Nagi. I repeated their names in my head and tried to picture them. It was hard for some reason. The edges of the pictures seemed to blur. I started to panic when I noticed someone was in the room. It was the boy, Natsu.
I smiled weakly.
"Hey." I said, my voice cracking.
He walked into my room and poured a glass of water for me. I drank it, hoping that it would stay in my tummy.
He went to sit on the edge of my bed, aware of all my movements.
"Hey." he said too, very soft. He didn't say more, but I could almost sense him asking me how I felt.
"Is it always this bad?" I asked him. He shrugged.
"Depends. Can be worse."
I nodded. There was a comfortable silence. Then I thought of something, more like I noticed something about him and started wondering.
"Will my hair fall out?"
He stared at me intensely. "I hope not."
I smiled. It was a weird conversation, with half sentences and implied meanings, but I didn't care. I didn't need more.
We kept silent.
"Let's walk in the garden tomorrow." he said and with that he was off again. I laid my head against my pillow.
It was a long night. I had to call the nurse for painkillers twice. I didn't ask her about Natsu, though I was very interested in the reason he was in the hospital, aside from the obviouw fact it had to do with cancer. This was the cancer department, after all, and he'd said he knew everyone - he must've been here for some time.
The morning came, but it didn't really matter to me. I just lay. The doctor came and told me they would try three more chemo sessions before the operation. The next one would be tomorrow evening. There would be two days in between a session and then three days before they were going to operate me. That left me nine days.
Nine days...
I nodded, not wanting to speak. He smiled, but it was no happy smile. It was a seemingly typical hospital smile.
I came out of the bed and took my notebook in which I wrote down all the lyrics of the songs Utau, Rima and I do and started to write.
This time I was aware of when he entered. Or maybe I just had gotten used to him.
He said nothing, and neither did I. He sat at the window and I hummed the melody while I wrote down the words.
"What are you writing?" he asked, quietly as not to disturb the peace that was in the room.
"A goodbye song." I said. We were silent again. It was actually kind of amazing how fast you fall into a patron.
I stood up.
"Let's go for a walk."
We put on jackets and boots and went out. I went to the nurse first and asked her permission, which she gave on the condition we would not spend too much time outside.
It was silent under the trees. Yesterday I thought the hospital was silent, but I knew better now. There were always sounds, someone walking, crying, a machine making noise, ... The hospital seemed to live in his own way.
We sat down and I tried to catch the flower petals by sticking my hand out. Natsu copied me.
We sat for a while and then I asked him the question.
"Why are you here?"
He didn't react and I was afraid he hadn't heard it. I was about to repeat the question when I heard his voice, small and quietly.
"I have cancer, on my ribs. At first they thought it was asthma, but then they discovered that it was cancer. I have been in the hospital for over a year now."
I wanted to react, but he wasn't done speaking yet.
"My little sister... she had cancer too. She died two years ago. My mum forgot me after that."
I was shocked how he seemed so calm about it. I turned my face and saw that his eyes were slightly unfocused and he was crying silently.
I didn't say anything, just embraced him and let him cry.
After a while his sobs eased and he calmed down. He turned away from me, his cheeks flushed.
"Sorry...I normally don't cry."
"S'okay." I said and I ruffled his hair. "Shall we go back?"
When we walked to my room I saw people come towards me. I immediately recognized Ikuto and I ran towards him.
"Ikuto..." I whispered and I breathed in his scent. His arms were strong around me. I wished we could stay like this forever.
Until someone coughed.
*** Ikuto's pov ***
I don't know why Amu didn't tell us she had her first chemo session yesterday. She had lied, told us she would spend a night at her parent's. I should have known she had lied. But it didn't matter anymore. I held her now, smelled her strawberry shampoo, felt her tiny body against mine and her arms around my neck. She whispered my name and I snuggled my face in her hair.
It was perfect, until someone coughed and I remembered those that were with me.
I looked up, just like Amu did and we saw Nagi standing with an unusual stern face.
"Amu-chan." he said and he held his arms open. I was reluctant to let her go, but I let her hug them; first Nagi, then Rima, Utau, Kukai. At last she hugged Ami.
I felt someone's eyes on me. I looked in the direction from where Amu had come and saw a young boy with really short raven hair and red eyes. He looked at me curiously and with a bit emotionally. Then he looked away. He was looking at Amu, who was still hugging her little sister. Amu seemed to feel his gaze too, because she let go of Ami and went to the boy.
"Hey, Natsu, meet my friends." she said.
He looked at her in a way I didn't understand. Longing, like a child looks to his mother or a boy looks at the girl he likes. No, that wasn't it. More like she was his big sister, and he wanted... something from her.
He turned back to us.
"No need. I know who they are."
She laughed, the pearly laugh we all love, that rings like bells.
He looked surprised, all of us did.
"I forgot that." she said and then she turned to us too.
"Guys, this is Natsu." she gave no more information. I didn't need more information. The boy gave me the same feeling Amu gave me, a feeling of sickness. As if he had the same disease as her. Probably cancer. I wondered how he and Amu had become so close while they could only have met yesterday.
Stuff like that must've created a band between them, I mused. Amu walked back to us.
"Let's go to my room."
I visited her every day. I even stayed some nights. I knew she had only nine days more until the operation and I didn't want her to think about it. I knew she did, but I tried to make it easier for her.
She had found a new brother in the Natsu kid. I learned that he had cancer, like I thought, that his mother had walked out on him when his little sister had died from the same sickness. There seemed to be no sign of a dad.
He had the same strength as Amu, the strength to keep going even when there is nothing that binds you anymore. I started to like him, and he liked me. I knew that Amu, when she came out of this, if she came out of this, wanted to take him into her family. Her family of me and her. I didn't mind. The kid needed her. And so the days passed by.
*** Amu's pov ***
This is it. Tomorrow I will be operated.
The risk went down, not as much as the doctors hoped but enough to operate me. The risk of me dying or never wake up afterwards is still very high. This is my last night.
Ikuto is here with me, all times. The others are too. I know Utau is planning something, though I have no clue at all about what. I made my testament. I may or may not need it. It's just as throwing a coin in the air: not knowing on which side it will fall.
Only, for me it's not head or tails, but life or dead. Let's throw, and pray.