The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.
Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891
II
She never stood a chance in fighting a battle that had long ago been won by her heart, and perhaps battle is misplaced when the only feeling you have ever known is a deep-rooted longing and love for someone. Through the opened French Doors that led to her back garden a very light breeze carried the fresh, almost sweet, aroma of a summer afternoon as she curled her bare feet under her as she sat on the sofa staring out on the neatly trimmed grass and the purple and blue strands of lavender bush that softly swayed. Their characteristic aroma filled the air, resembling almost a perfect day in the French Provence where her father had taken the small plants from that now bloomed in perfection next to the bright orange and red of the poppy's. However wonderful, it stood no chance against him, his scent so unique she had often doubted whether Grenouille, the perfume-master from Suskinds novel Perfume, would have been able to recreate it.
Her fingertips wetted when she took the glass of chilled Chenin-Colombard from the table next to her seat, the warmer air condensed on the colder glass letting the sunlight that touched it illuminate it like it was embroidered with hundreds of tiny diamonds. The dry-sour, sweet-vanilla wine was the perfect companion for the occasion, its fragrance and taste as delicate as the fine glass which held it.
In these cosy hours of the day she could only imagine one more element that would complete the picture. To be able to hold him close and press her nose in his neck, feeling him, smelling him. Let her fingers trail the contours of his dark brows, revel in the fine dark lashes that crowned a set of the most intense and mesmerising set of chocolate eyes she had ever known.
She had long ceased to think coherently and professionally about her former mentor and the team's leader Jack Hudson. In fact, in all honesty she wasn't sure whether she ever had. Still vividly remembering her halfway-halted rent when she had stormed into his office as he turned those enchanted eyes on him and that cheeky grin that melted away any reserve and resilience and made her knees wobbly countless of times afterwards.
She smiled as she put the glass to her lips, her other hand absently trailing through Levi's fur that in its smoothness bore resemblance to the touch of his hair she had felt on those few occasions when they had become more close, culminating in their kiss in the office of Callahan and Merced. She knew she had tasted heaven right there and then and therefore the pain afterwards as they broke up, in more ways than one, was so much more intense that it resembled torture: she knew what she would be bereft of from there on.
That came on top of the loss she had already felt after the Arif Dessa case when they went undercover as a newlywed couple. It had been a time of part work part bliss as she was able to spent time close-up and personal away from preying eyes with the man that had captured her heart. Something grew in the time together although hesitantly at first, and it wasn't for long their momentarily matrimonial status unnervingly struck home when she realised this was what she longed for. To be with him, either married or not, and to have him be hers and vice versa. At the same time the hindrance of their 'mariage blanc' worked to their disadvantage when both hesitated at taking the next step. Something she came to regret later when the case was over and their unique chance vanished as well.
She read regret in his eyes and something else she couldn't pinpoint when she and Lucy drove off from the house that would have given them the perfect alibi to start something truly wonderful. Her heart pained when she saw him like that, adding to the burden of leaving that felt as if she just said farewell to a dearly beloved. Partir c'est mourir un peu, which in fact wasn't very far from the truth anyway, she figured as she took another sip of her wine and placed the glass back on the table. The same melancholy trickled down her features as she remember that day and the difficulty she had had to come to terms with their 'normal' relationship afterwards.
She never really did.
Stirred when Levi got up suddenly and trotted to the hall and came back wiggling his tail she turned a little to see Lucy coming in. "GOOD EVENING," she said.
"GOOD EVENING," Sue responded. "I didn't hear you come in." Lucy's lips curled up in a broad smile as she laughed with her friend's remark and the cheeky expression she had. "I tried to be very silent." She put her purse on the table as she kicked her shoes off and sat down on one of the cardinal-red pillow covered champagne sofas that elegantly countered the light-cognac parquet. "I can see you provided the ideal afternoon ingredient."
Sue smiled and got up to get another glass. The yellow golden translucent fluid curled up against the glass' walls, drawing a thin watery veil that dyed the blanc glass a tint darker before it rolled back like an ocean's wave. She handed Lucy her glass before she sat down again. "How was today? Anything newsworthy?"
Her late season summer holidays had just ended for her after she had spent a fortnight back in Ohio, visiting old friends and enjoying time with her family. Still on leave she had spent the day at home where she finally had some time to read books she hadn't touched in ages, mucking about in the garden and holding on to the relaxed condition of the previous weeks.
"How much do you want to know?" Lucy took a sip of her wine and gestured at the bottle. "And how much more do you have of this?"
"Plenty."
"Then there's plenty to tell," she smiled.
"FUNNY YOU"
Outside the sky was dyed a beautiful tint of crimson and purple as the light of the already set sun tried to hold on to it, battling the falling night and the darkness it brought. Lucy stared at it for a while before she spoke again, playing with the glass in her hands. "I don't know where to start really."
"I was only gone for two weeks…" Sue lips curled up in a smile, "and we kept contact regularly. I meant only for today."
"I know." Lucy's answer had her puzzled and deep down she felt something was stirred and the tiniest of discomfort began to trickle into her system. The gaining night had expelled the last remnants of light and warmth and through the opened doors the first touches of cold rolled in, and Sue got up to close the doors. Putting on a few extra lights before she went back to her seat, she couldn't shake off the growing insecurity her friend's remark had triggered.
"What happened?"
"Well, nothing happened, basically, it's just…" Lucy looked at Sue and pursed her lips a little. "It's the Beckett case."
Sue squinted her eyes a little. "Help me out here, this landed our desks while I was away right?"
"Interstate art and antiques theft, we were told by various sources that a series of burglaries in Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania and even as high as Rhode Island are in fact all connected. Centre of all allegedly is a Oscar Beckett, living in the Kalorama neighbourhood here."
"A very up-market neighbourhood."
"Affluent and influent as well and that's why we're very cautious about the inquest we're starting. We're just tipped off, there's no evidence yet to go on."
"So what's up with the case that seems to be troubling you?" Sue decided to give in to her initial feelings of uneasiness and her keen sense of bodily language that told her something about it made Lucy feel reluctant to share.
"Mr. and Mrs. Beckett live in a rather sophisticated and quiet area of Kalorama, where any observation from the street would immediately be noticed. SOG is out of the picture and that's why the higher ups decided to try an old textbook classic undercover sting again."
The glass of wine she was halfway in the process of bringing to her lips halted somewhere mid chest as something clicked inside her brain. Feeling how her stomach tightened she backed off a little, sitting straight. "Oh no, nooo…"
With trembling hands she managed to put down the glass safely before it would fall out of her hands. "Please don't tell me what I think that has been discussed…"
Lucy's expression pained as she saw her best friend's anxiety and she just nodded. Closing her eyes she felt the muscles in her jaw tighten, feeling the initial drips of acid anxiety had swollen to a tidal wave of nausea and discomfort. Gone was the relaxed feeling her weeks in Ohio had provided. She was back in the world of hurt and bitter reality she found such a bliss to be able to flee from a fortnight ago. "WHY QQ"
"ns. GARRETT, SUGGESTION ONLY."
Sue shot up from her seat as she shook her head, her blonde hair swaying back and forth with the motions as she paced to the garden doors and stared out into the darkness. "No, no, they never just suggest something. Especially not something like that." She turned round to face Lucy again as she ran a hand through her hair, trembling. "They want it, Lucy. And I know exactly who they have in mind."
"I never said…" she began but was cut through by Sue. "As God is my witness, I won't do this again!"
Lucy opened her mouth to respond, but realized that Sue was not looking at her as she paced back and forth. "I will not be Mrs. Hudson again! This is worse than 'always a bridesmaid, never a bride'! It's cruel and I won't be subjected to heartache any more!" Sue stopped suddenly and turned to Lucy. "Tara can be Mrs. Hudson! Yes, that will do very nicely! Tara can do it! For some reason she's able to handle those chocolate brown eyes...she doesn't swoon every time he looks at her...she doesn't dream of him every night...she won't be hurt because he's pretending to love..."
Sue realized too late what she was admitting and clamped her mouth shut. Through the tears in her eyes, she looked at Lucy. "I won't do it again!" Her determined stance visibly faltered as she sat down on the armrest of the chair, her hands folded. "You have any idea how much pain it caused the first time?" Her voice soft, almost whispering. She heaved her head and stared at the ceiling for a second, swallowing hard, before she focused on Lucy again. The lights of the living room reflected in the moist eyes adding a soft shimmer in the hazel colour that lend them an almost fragile appearance. "I can't do it…."
Lucy reached out to grasp her friend's hands. "No one will force you to, sweetheart."
"They will, and I'll buckle…"
"Not if I can help it."
Sue wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "It just has to be him asking and I'll give in, you know that…" She slowly shook her head, her eyes uncertain as she looked back up again. "I never made it a secret to you how I much I love him, did I?"
Lucy smiled a comforting smile. "Never through your gestures. I never heard you admit it in words though, until now. But that you love him I already knew."
Despite her tears, Sue began to laugh, feeling the quivering turmoil in her stomach mixing with a bit of ecstasy she didn't have to pretend anymore. "Was it that obvious?"
"I don't know about obvious, but if you understand the signals, then yes; it has been noticed for a while that the special bond you have at least on your part had matured into something more than that." She squeezed Sue's hands comforting and winked. "To some, I should add."
"It felt as if I was choking when we drove off the last time… I couldn't breathe, the pain in my heart so strong it almost made me think I was having a cardiac arrest…" She didn't have to explain what occasion she was referring to, and Lucy quietly waited for her friend to continue what she had buried for so long and couldn't hold back anymore. "I thought we'd become close and something magical was in the air when everything fell apart." Her eyes wetted again as she swallowed her pent up emotions. "I never expected…." Her voice faltered and she paused. "I thought it meant something for him as well, that I meant something for him. I guess I was wrong then."
"Sweetheart, you know that's not true."
"How would I know? What chance of knowing did I get?"
"At Callahan and Merced."
Sue huffed as she reached for her glass and emptied it in one swig, her lips drawn with bitterness. "Yeah, right."
"I remember you told me how it felt…"
"How I felt it, to him it was nothing more than improvising in an unexpected situation."
"I cannot believe that. I've seen the way he looked at you afterwards."
"I had trouble believing it too, Lucy, but time has been a sobering master in matters like these. There's nothing to prove otherwise."
"There could be a new chance…" Lucy probed cautiously. Sue closed her eyes shortly and sighed a trembling sigh. "Don't you start too."
"I'm merely suggesting that you don't give up hope."
"I got the impression you tried to lull me into doing it after all." She rubbed her eyes and rested her fatigued head on the rim of the chair's back. It was silent for a while. "You know what scares me the most?" she said as she sat up more straight again, "that part of me wants to do it. My heart screams Yes, my mind says No…"
"Ratio is always a burdening factor in matters of the heart," Lucy responded and she poured Sue a new drink. "You must do what you deem to be wise."
Smiling a dreamy smile, Sue nodded as she took her glass. "I'm a mess in matters like this. I'm marked already since I know how living together feels like, albeit in a counterfeit matter. Right there and then I knew that it was something I wanted. Perhaps even needed." She looked at Lucy again. "Can you imagine the grief it caused when we broke up?"
"I had my theories when you came back."
"Leaving that house felt as if I abandoned the perfect chance to get what I wanted, and I felt like I didn't put enough effort into it to actually achieve it."
"Nonsense, time was harsh on you." Lucy smiled sympathetically. "Who knows what could happen this time?"
Damned, she thought, the more they discussed it, the more she wanted to do it even though her mind screamed 'no' she was already lost. Lucy was right, a chance not taken is a chance bereaved for she would always have to live with the burden of 'what if?'.
"I can see you have already made a decision…"
"What choice do I have? I love him, I want to be with him. If this is the best I can get besides the real deal, I'll have to." She smiled tenderly. "And I'm scared as hell it will result in nothing but pain and hurt."
"We'll make it work." Lucy took her friend's hands in hers before she hugged her. "I just wanted to say that I'm in awe with your courage."
"It's either courage or stupidity, I'm not sure which one applies best…"