Kakashi sank onto his mattress and tried to come to terms with what he'd just done. Not an easy task.

He'd kissed Gai.

Kakashi groaned.

Then again, it had happened in the heat of the moment, their lips had only touched for a second, and… And, he realized, he could very possibly pass this off as an "accident." Gai'd probably buy it. He'd bought more outrageous lies than that. Not that this was such an outrageous lie. In some way it wasn't even a lie…

Except that it was and if Kakashi started lying to himself now, he really was doomed. It was high time to be honest with himself at least. He cared about Gai. That wasn't a completely new development. But whatever happened, both he and Gai would always be shinobi first and everything else later.

And being a shinobi meant that the village would always come first, and even if you found someone, even if they truly loved you and you loved them back, even then, the best you could hope for was that you'd be the one to die first.

It was a bleak outlook, but it was also realistic.

The lingering aftertaste of Gai's curry had turned bitter in his mouth.

Half an hour later Kakashi slipped out of his apartment. He'd come to a decision. For the next few days he'd leave Konoha to train up in the mountains, to think and to avoid Gai.

Kissing Gai had been a moment of weakness, something that definitely shouldn't have happened, but, as with most actions, there was no way to undo it. So he could marinate in his misery like a teenager with a crush, or he could get on with his life and prepare for coming battles.

Now that he was on his feet again and had more or less completed his nin- and genjutsu training for the time being, Kakashi wanted to get in some actual physical training for once. It probably wasn't something Tsunade would approve of, but since he was on leave and didn't have to show up at the hospital for the next few days, he didn't really care. He needed to get his strength back.

Kakashi's chosen location wasn't really a secret to anyone who knew him. As opposed to Gai, who trained wherever he felt like it and had several spots all around fire country, Kakashi always fell back on his cliff where he'd trained with Sasuke, and where many years ago his father had first taught him the summoning jutsu.

In his weakened state, it took Kakashi a lot longer to get up the mountain than usual, and once he had made the ascent, he was completely exhausted.

As a consequence, he couldn't start training right away and had no choice but to sit down on the ground and watch the sunset. It reminded him of Gai.

Disgusted with himself, he turned to face the rough, bare mountainside, willing his mind to transform into similar matter. He could be hard and cold when he had to; he'd always managed to be as tough as he needed to be. Sometimes tougher.

The first thing you learned in the academy was something Kakashi had already learned two months before he was even old enough to enter Konoha's school for future ninja: Never let your guard down.

His father had told him that, and on the same day, had given him the family's summoning contract to sign, so he'd always have someone to watch his back.

Looking up at the stars, Kakashi began to question his idea; not only had he not really been able to actually train at all so far, he was also stuck in a rut of one painful memory chasing another.

Kakashi shook his head, as if that would be enough to get rid of unwanted thoughts. It was night and he was tired, but before he could get any rest, he had to make sure that he was safe. Kakashi bit his thumb, formed the seals and pressed his palm on the rocky ground. Black writing snaked out from the spot where he touched the earth, spreading like a bloodstain.

When the smoke had cleared, Kakashi sent his pack out to survey the area and keep night watch. Only then did he allow himself to settle down.

He couldn't sleep; the utter silence of the mountain – no chirping crickets, no signs of life anywhere - was keeping him awake.

So Kakashi lay on his thin mat and under his equally thin blanket and tried very hard not to let his thoughts wander in that one direction. He even preferred thinking about the time he had spent with Sasuke in that very same place, teaching him the jutsu he'd later used to attack Naruto, wondering whether he would find himself on the receiving end of his own jutsu in the future.

All of this was still better than thinking about Gai, who had not in fact dropped everything to chase after him.

Maybe their "challenge" had taught Gai a lesson after all.

Or maybe it was the kiss.

Kakashi groaned and squeezed his eye shut, but that only made it easier for his brain to replay the memory of that moment on the black screen of his closed eyelid.

Someone was scratching rather insistently on his arm; Kakashi shifted away and reached blindly for his blanket to protect himself against the sudden chill.

"Hey! Wake up!"

Pakkun. Kakashi was wide awake in an instant.

"Trouble?" He asked, sitting up and grabbing his pack. The night still seemed deceptively quiet, but the way Pakkun sniffed the air was a glaring warning sign.

"Not sure yet, but someone's coming."

"Shinobi?" Kakashi pulled a kunai from his backpack, just in case. In the darkness, he could see Pakkun cock his head, his equivalent of a shrug.

"Probably, too fast for a civilian at any rate," he paused, sniffing again. "Actually, smells a lot like burnt curry. You expecting-"

"Gai." They said in unison.

Kakashi had never known that it was possible to be relieved and tense at the same time. "Thanks," he said to Pakkun, "I'll handle it from here. How far away is he?"

Naturally, Gai chose that moment to come leaping down from somewhere further up the mountain, landing right in front of Kakashi, who – and he was quite proud of that – didn't even bat an eye. Pakkun, on the other hand, only very narrowly avoided serving as Gai's landing pad and hence vanished with a scoff and the usual pop and smoke.

"Closer than you think!" Gai announced, his teeth managing a ping even in the dim starlight.

Expressing both his hipness and coolness via complete non-reaction, Kakashi let the moment ooze past, let Gai's teeth sparkle and the non-existent crickets chirp. It was a long moment.

Unfortunately, while he waited the phrase "I have kissed this man and enjoyed it" kept repeating itself over and over, followed by the even more disturbing "I want to do it again." It really was a long moment.

Finally, Gai did catch up on the fact that his entrance would not be commented on by his audience. He obviously didn't like it but had learned to deal with these kinds of disappointments. Spurned, Gai moved on to pointing a finger at Kakashi in accusation.

"Why are you camping out here? You should be in the village! You're still recovering!" Gai's voice boomed and echoed, bouncing off the rocks and down into the valley, from where a disturbed owl hooted in response.

Kakashi blinked, mostly unimpressed. "I'm not considered AWOL, am I?"

"No, but you're acting strange." He bent down to Kakashi, who was still sitting on his mat, his blanket in his lap. Kakashi didn't budge, even when Gai came closer and closer until their noses were almost touching. If he hadn't still worn his mask, he might have thought Gai was going to kiss him.

"Maybe you have a fever!" Gai exclaimed suddenly, all but slapping one hand onto Kakashi's forehead while pressing the other on his own to compare temperatures. "Hmmm, it's hard to tell." He frowned, his eyebrows seemingly trying to get out from under his hand. "I think I'm actually warmer than you."

"Gai," Kakashi said as calmly as he could. "Why did you come? It's the middle of the night." The hand was removed from his forehead and Gai straightened up, folding his arms – Kakashi told himself he was glad for the distance between them.

"I was worried! You shouldn't be out here! You were just released from the hospital!"

"I'm touched," Kakashi drawled, and he was, but he definitely wasn't going to show it. "I'm fine, though; I just needed some space."

Gai scoffed.

"I get it! You're embarrassed because our lips touched!"

Kakashi's whole body went hot, then cold. And just when he'd thought they would never actually talk about what had happened… except, what? Lips touched?

"I don't know what you're talking about." His voice didn't betray anything, Kakashi noted proudly.

"But it's nothing to be ashamed of!" Gai went on as if he hadn't heard Kakashi at all. "Sometimes, in a touching, tender moment, things can become quite intimate even between two men! No one needs to be ashamed! Because we are secure in our manhood!"

At this point, Kakashi was sure that his jaw would have dropped off if it hadn't been held in place by the fabric of his mask.

"And," Gai continued, oblivious to the state Kakashi was in, "I love you, Kakashi. You are like a brother to me. So you really have no reason to be ashamed." Having said that, he leaned down and put a hand on Kakashi's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.

It was like being punched in the stomach, like the moment when all the air got knocked out of you and you felt like you could never take another breath again.

Kakashi stared into Gai's dopey smiling face, at his cheesy thumbs-up. How could one person be so stupid?

He felt like laughing or punching Gai, or maybe both, but Kakashi was a master of self-restraint, so he just said, very evenly, "You're not my brother."

Gai's smile stayed firmly in place, but the rest of his face seemed to retreat a little upon hearing Kakashi's icicle-studded voice. "I know that," Gai laughed, pretending to be amused by Kakashi's reaction, however, his laughter came out sounding fake and tinny, "I was only comparing our relationship to –"

"It's not like that."

"But—"

"Just go back to Konoha." Finally, Gai let go of his shoulder. Even if he didn't let go of anything else.

"I cannot go and leave you here; you're clearly sick! Your face is all grey!"

"That's because it's dark, Gai. I'm not sick. Just leave me alone."

"I can't. I won't. Not as long as I'm not one hundred percent sure that you're not ill."

"I told you; I'm fine."

"I'm sorry, but that's not enough." Gai was in his super sincere mode, which told Kakashi that right now, there was no changing his mind. He might as well stop trying.

"Fine. Suit yourself. Goodnight," he said and lay down on his thin mat a little too abruptly. The ground was unforgivingly hard, even with his makeshift bed to soften the blow. Kakashi bit back a wince and wrapped himself in his blanket, turning his back to Gai, whom he could hear walking a few steps away from him before sitting down.

He tried to relax and waited for sleep to happen. It didn't. Instead Kakashi became hyperaware of every little sound Gai made. Gai breathing, Gai shifting, Gai yawning. How was anyone supposed to sleep like that?

Plus, his thoughts were magnetically drawn to Gai's accidentally touching lips shtick. He didn't know what to make of that. Was Gai really that oblivious or was he trying to spare Kakashi's feelings? Kakashi sighed, his breath raising a tiny cloud of dust from the rocky ground.

You are like a brother to me.

Gai was not like a brother to him. To Kakashi, Gai was everything he couldn't be, everything he couldn't have.

And thus, he continued to lie awake, floating in a sea of his own longing, listening to the small sounds that betrayed Gai's presence until exhaustion dragged him under.

end?

SPOILER FOR THE LATEST CHAPTER BELOW

A.N.: Now that the story's premise has been officially "jossed" I wonder if I should just end it here. I know I promised a get together fic and a higher rating, but it's been dragging on forever and I feel like this might be a good place to end it. Would you guys feel cheated/ be mad if I left this as the final chapter?