I close my eyes and I see you
I reach out to touch you
But you're gone,
Along with my dreams
In real life, you're too near to touch
But I could not just reach out
How could I?
When there is a wall between us
Too high and too thick
And that wall happens
to like you too.
Being a good friend does not work for me. I suck at it. And I feel suckier that I know I'm the one who chose this suckiness.
I have become so good at hiding my feelings; only if I could hide myself too.
I thought it would be easy to avoid them since the school is big and we are in different classes. But I was wrong and I still manage to see them together. They would try to invite me to sit with them or come with them but I always refuse.
It seems I have to give up eating and not go to the canteen, give up reading and not go to the library. What more could I give up?
If this goes on I would need a new planet.
Still, I see him freely in my dreams. In my dreams there is only me and him. There we could be like what we were before. There I could be me.
In my dreams, it rained constantly and we walked side by side sharing an umbrella. We'd talk a lot and laugh a lot. He'd look at me and smile. And I would look at him and smile back.
My dreams would end differently each time. Sometimes he'd take me home just like before. Sometimes he'd tell me he likes me. Sometimes I'd tell him I like him. Sometimes the rain would just go on and we'd continue to walk hand in hand.
But come morning, when the sun's up, the rain would stop and I would wake up to reality that it was just a dream.
It took 3 months before they learned to stop inviting me. They must be tired of me already after that.
Now, a month has passed since we have stopped talking. Nowadays, when we would pass by each other, he would keep his head bowed or straight ahead and not look at me, while my friend would try to give me a faint smile.
I want to say I don't care anymore but I can't. Him ignoring me hurts a lot. It hurts more than when I see him happy with her.
God! I miss those blue eyes.
I could take hate; just even a hint of anger in his eyes directed at me would suffice. At least I would know that I mattered something to him, enough for him to hate me.
But indifference is worse, like I didn't matter. Apathy is hell, frozen over. Everything left cold and bitter.
I ask myself why I am affected this way. I have never been the type to wallow excessively with guy-related rantings yet here I am spending too much thought on him.
I know I like him but surely not-
My heart was beating fast lub-dub lub-dub lub-dub lub-dub lub-dub
Love?
We were nearing the end of the school year when Madge approached me.
"Hi, Katniss! It's been a long time. How have you been?" she asked me.
"Okay, I guess. I've just been busy with academics." I said.
"We're you avoiding Peeta and me? Are we that bothersome to you?" she asked.
"Of course not! Where did you get that idea?" I said defensively. "I just really wanted to top my exams so I decided to lay low for a while and concentrate on my studies. You know how much I need to keep my GPA. Besides, we're from different classes so the opportunity to hang out and study is out of the question."
"Oh good! Cause we've missed you." she said. "Want to hang out with us?"
She keeps on using the word WE. "Ah…I can't. I don't want to be the third wheel."
"It'll be just like the old times." She said.
"But I'm taking up summer classes." I tried to make an excuse.
"You are such a nerd. Well, if you change your mind, just call me okay?" she said looking concerned.
"Okay" I said reluctantly. "Uhmm…about what we've talked before, have you?" I was too shy to ask so I left the question hanging.
"I've already told him" she said.
"And?" I was holding my breath.
"Let's just say I'm contented and happy." She said.
"Oh!" was all I could say. So there goes the truth. I have already guessed it but still hearing it is like rubbing salt on fresh wound.
"Don't be a stranger. Remember, we are friends." she said before she walked away.
As I watched her retreating back, I saw Ji waiting for her down the corridor.
I turned around and walked the other direction, away from them, before the tears start falling.
I used to think that my friend was the wall dividing us, maybe at first. But my cowardice and silence has cost me this. I have made my own wall, more hurtful than what my friend could ever be. I have known love then lost it.
The wall has served its purpose. Peeta has become untouchable.
Silence envelop me without end
Nothing but infinite agony
A bottomless pit
That swallows my heart
And from which
Only hope could escape