~ Chapter 16: Nighttime Confessions ~

- Gwen -

After Merlin left, I could not fall asleep no matter what I tried. I considered waking up Arthur but decided against it. He had been acting weird ever since I told him that we were expecting. He spent his days hounding Gaius or with his knights and didn't leave any time to spend with me. I had to hope he's just scared, which was understandable. With the stress of Merlin being hurt on top of the baby, I had decided to wait until Merlin was better to confront Arthur about it.

I would have thought he would be happy. I was providing him with an heir, something we feared would be impossible for a long time. We'd always talked about children in the abstract, and I feared the undeniable reality of a child might just be hitting him now.

I sighed, trying to fall back asleep. After a while of tossing and turning, I left our chambers. I was shocked when I saw Merlin sitting on the floor, his head resting against the wall. He was asleep.

I leaned down and shook him gently. "Merlin," I whispered.

He sat up immediately, looking around. "Oh, Gwen," he said looking at me. "I apologize. I must have fallen asleep."

"What are you doing out here?" I asked him confused. He was clearly exhausted and should be back in his chambers resting, not loitering outside our chambers.

He looked at me. "What's wrong?" He asked quietly.

I looked at him surprised. "What makes you think something is wrong?" I questioned.

"You're my friend Gwen; you have been for years," Merlin told me. "I know when you're upset, and I know when you're lying to me."

I sighed. "It's Arthur," I told him. I wasn't going to tell him about the baby. I knew Arthur wanted to do that. "He's been acting… weird since he got back."

"Weirder than usual?" Merlin asked me jokingly.

I chuckled as I sat down next to him. "Yes, weirder than usual, Merlin," I told him. I tried to feign exasperation, but I mostly sounded like I was trying to suppress my laughter.

"What has he been doing?" Merlin asked.

"That's the thing. He hasn't been doing anything," I explained. "He's been spending all his time making sure you are okay or drinking with his men. And not that I have a problem with that, it's just that he literally spends all of his time doing that. It's like he doesn't have time for me. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if his feelings have changed?" I didn't realize until I voiced it out loud how much I was worried this was the truth. My eyes burned as I tried to hold back my tears. I wasn't successful. Merlin looked at me; I couldn't tell if his shock was the result of my fear or my tears..

"Oh, Gwen," Merlin said. He put his arm around my shoulder. It reminded me of his early days in Camelot. Back when things were simpler. Part of me yearned for those times and for the closeness I once felt with him. Years of hardship had distanced us - not so much that we weren't friends, but enough that we were friends in a different way. "I don't know why Arthur's acting like that, but it's not because he doesn't love you."

"How can you know?" I asked him.

Merlin looked at the wall across from him as he spoke. "For years I used to tease Arthur about his feelings for you," he told me. "Arthur tried to deny it and deny it, but no matter what he did, whenever something happened to you, he was terrified. He defied his father to protect you; he risked everything to make sure you were happy. I wish you could've seen him every time you were in trouble. Feelings like that don't just change. He tried to deny his feelings for you because he didn't believe he would ever be able to act on them. You didn't see him as much then. He's a different man now that he has you. I mean he's almost a decent human being." I let out a watery chuckle. "If there's one thing you should never doubt, it's his love for you. If he didn't love you, then he wouldn't have threatened to kill me every time I mentioned his love for you."

"What if that's changed? I know he loved me then, but what if he doesn't love you anymore?" I asked him.

Merlin shook his head at me. "He is your one true love. That's not going to go away. True love doesn't fade. When you were being possessed by Morgana, it was the love you share that saved you. He really loves you," he told me. "More than anything, he loves you."

"Thank you," I told him. His words really went a long way towards making me feel better. If anyone knew Arthur, it was Merlin.

"And, Gwen?" Merlin asked me.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Arthur must know that his behavior is affecting you. He will tell you what's upsetting him eventually. If you tell Arthur this, I will deny it, but he has a good heart. He won't want to hurt you," he told me.

"Thanks," I said with a grin.

As I looked at him, something occurred to me. I trusted Merlin, completely, but did he trust me? He didn't know that I knew about his magic. I wondered if he trusted me enough to tell him about it. I wracked my brain to think about anything I may have said that would make him fear talking about his powers. Unfortunately, the aftermath of Morgana's betrayal was such a blur for me. I could've said anything with how hurt I was.

I hesitated. I didn't know how to bring it up. "I want to thank you. You brought Arthur home to me. You saved him. It can't have been easy."

Merlin shrugged. "It is my job to serve my king," he told me. "I do everything in my power to keep him safe."

"I know you do. And I appreciate that. You're not a warrior and you have no combat skills, but you still put yourself in danger for him," I told him.

Merlin looked at me confused. "Arthur didn't tell you?" He questioned.

"Didn't tell me what?" I asked. I knew it was wrong to do that, but I wanted him to tell me.

Merlin took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. If I had known he hadn't told you, I would have told you sooner," he told me, apologetically. He looked at me anxiously. "Gwen, this may come as a bit of a surprise, but…" He opened and closed his mouth several times. "You're going to hate me." His voice dropped to a whisper. "I am a sorcerer. I have magic."

He didn't open his eyes and looked as if he was bracing himself for my reaction. "I know," I told him gently. His eyes flew open and he looked at me as if he couldn't believe the words. "I'm sorry I made you say it, but I needed to hear it from you."

"I understand," he told me softly. "Thank you for taking it so well."

"Did Arthur take it badly?" I asked him.

"At first," he told me. "I did lie to him for ten years. I would feel betrayed too."

"He didn't give you much of a choice," I told him. I can't even imagine how difficult Merlin's life must have been. Having to hide the very essence of your being isn't an easy task.

"Are you saying Arthur was wrong?" Merlin asked me teasingly.

"I think that Arthur sometimes thinks with his sword and not with his head," I told him.

"Can I tell him you said that?" Merlin asked me.

I chuckled as I stood up. "I should be getting to bed now," I told him. "Thank you for talking to me."

Merlin got to his feet. "Thank you for listening," he told me. He gave me a quick hug.

I entered my chambers and let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Hopefully now that Merlin was better, things would go back to normal.