~ Chapter 17: Eavesdropping ~
- Arthur -
After Merlin left, I pretended to be asleep. It was cruel, I knew, but I wasn't ready to face Gwen. I was anxious for the sun to rise so I could talk to Merlin.
I heard Gwen toss and turn for a while before she got out of bed and left. I watched her go surprised. I couldn't fathom where she could be going at this hour.
I got out of bed with the intention of escorting her wherever she needed to go when I heard voices in the corridor.
I froze where I stood and internally argued with myself. Should I eavesdrop or not? She could be having a private conversation; it would be rude to listen in. On the other hand, she was my wife and I did have a right to know where she was going. Then again, I was the king of Camelot, I shouldn't listen into conversations unless I was invited to do so. But she was my wife.
I went back and forth for several minutes until I heard my name. It was muffled and I could have easily misheard, but if there was a chance she was discussing me, I needed to know.
"That's the thing. He hasn't been doing anything. He's been spending all his time making sure you are okay or drinking with his men. And not that I have a problem with that, it's just that he literally spends all of his time doing that. It's like he doesn't have time for me. What if he doesn't love me anymore? What if his feelings have changed?" I heard Gwen ask.
I winced slightly. I never meant to hurt her. I'd always wanted children, I just never expected to get my wish nor had I expected the influx of fears and anxiety it would fill me with. I knew that Gwen may have been suspicious of my behavior, but I never imagined that it was hurting her. I never imagined it would make her doubt my feelings for her. I pulled myself out of my reverie.
"Oh Gwen. I don't know why Arthur's acting like that, but it's not because he doesn't love you," I heard Merlin's voice say.
What was Merlin doing outside our chambers?
"How can you know?" Gwen asked him.
I listened carefully for his answer. I was curious as to what he would say.
"For years I used to tease Arthur about his feelings for you. Arthur tried to deny it and deny it, but no matter what he did, whenever something happened to you, he was terrified. He defied his father to protect you; he risked everything to make sure you were happy. I wish you could've seen him every time you were in trouble. Feelings like that don't just change. He tried to deny his feelings for you because he didn't believe he would ever be able to act on them. You didn't see him as much then. He's a different man now that he has you. I mean he's almost a decent human being. If there's one thing you should never doubt, it's his love for you. If he didn't love you, then he wouldn't have threatened to kill me every time I mentioned his love for you," Merlin told me.
It was a good thing they couldn't see me, because I was pretty sure my jaw would have hit the floor. I knew Merlin knew I cared for Gwen long before I'd fully accepted it, but I never understood his depth of understanding.
I found myself smiling slightly to myself. I would owe Merlin a lot for alleviating Gwen's doubts. As much as I hated when Merlin used to talk about her because it reminded me of everything I thought I'd never had, I also loved it because the very mention of Gwen used to fill me with such hope and love… it still did. I wish I'd never given her reason to doubt that.
I pressed my ear to the door again, trying to catch up with their conversation.
"Arthur must know that his behavior is affecting you. He will tell you what's upsetting him eventually. If you tell Arthur this, I will deny it, but he has a good heart. He won't want to hurt you," Merlin said.
I actually chuckled out loud. I brought my hand to my mouth, praying that they didn't hear me. When no one burst into my chambers, I began to relax.
I waited a moment to compose myself before I started listening again.
"I know you do. And I appreciate that. You're not a warrior and you have no combat skills, but you still put yourself in danger for him," Gwen said. I looked at the door confused. What in the world did I miss? It seemed their conversation had entirely shifted gears and I was struggling to find the connection between the two.
"Arthur didn't tell you?" I heard Merlin ask.
I racked my brain. What did I forget to tell Gwen? I mean I didn't go into minute details, but I gave her a brief overview of our travels. I couldn't think of anything I didn't tell her.
"Didn't tell me what?" Gwen asked.
"I'm sorry. If I had known he hadn't told you, I would have told you sooner. Gwen, this may come as a bit of a surprise, but…" Merlin started to say. There was a long pause. What did he want to tell her? "You're going to hate me." There was another long pause. I was entirely lost. What were they talking about? "I am a sorcerer. I have magic."
Now I really was confused. I absolutely told Gwen Merlin was a sorcerer; in fact, I was pretty sure it was one of the first things I said to her. I also felt a pang of pain for Merlin. He really struggled to tell Gwen that. Hatred of magic was embedded so deeply into Camelot that even after my promise, it was still difficult for him to be open about it.
I was lost in my thoughts for a while. Then I heard Gwen chuckle, pulling me from my reverie.
"I should be getting to bed now. Thank you for talking to me," I heard Gwen say. I ran back to our bed and only had just laid down when Gwen opened the door.
She got back to our bed and lay down. After a few minutes, I heard her breathing slow down as she fell asleep. I did not have the same luxury. No matter what I did, I could not fall asleep.
I quietly got out of bed, careful not to wake Gwen. I was planning on walking around the castle or doing something to tire me out. But when I walked out of my chambers, Merlin was sitting on the ground.
I found myself, for the second time that night, wondering why Merlin was outside my chambers.
He had been dozing off, but when he heard the door open, he looked up alert. "Ah. I was wondering when you would come out my lord."
What? Was he expecting me?