My name is Craig Tucker.
Sometimes people ask me why I am how I am. Mostly Eric Cartman asks me that, because he's annoying and fat. I don't know what they mean when they ask me that, so one day I asked my friend, Clyde, to explain.
I said to Clyde, "I'm just me. No one asks you why you are how you are."
And then I paused and said, "Sometimes I ask you why you cry like a little girl. But that's different."
I remember that he looked uncomfortable. But Clyde is my best friend, so I knew he would tell me what I wanted to know. He told me that I'm very honest and blunt and straightforward and that I don't hold stuff back. He said that I "tell it like it is."
And so I started paying attention more to what I said, compared to what other people said, and decided that he was right. But I think I know why.
When I was born, I was very sick. I had heart problems. I almost died. I know I almost died, because my parents would say to me, "Craig, you almost died." And when I had surgery, I knew it was going to hurt a whole lot because they said, "Craig, this is going to hurt a whole lot." And then they said to me, "Craig, you're going to be okay. The doctors are going to make you better," and I believed them because they'd never lied to me before.
My parents are very honest and they tell it like it is, and so I am the same way. And I think that the world needs at least one person like me in each generation to remind his friends that sometimes they are morons. I say to them, "Guys, you are morons."
And I think, deep down, they believe me, because I've never lied to them before.