Iterum is Latin for, "again, second time, once again".
Chapter Ten: Iterum
"Do you love him?"
"What sort of question is that?"
"A rather simple one."
"I thought we already established that he only wanted me for his own ambition."
"But you have never mentioned your own feelings towards him."
"Why are you asking me this?" she demanded in confusion, a frown marring her delicate features.
He had felt no need to explain his question and merely waited for her to respond. Like many times before, she did not have him wait for long. He watched the hurt flash across her face before a long sigh escaped her lips and she shook her head.
"I wanted to," she admitted. "I think at first I even convinced myself that I could love him so that I could live with the decision forced upon me."
"And now?" he pressed on unfairly.
"Now," she hesitated, though she did not take her eyes away from his. "There is no way that I could go through it. No way that I could bind myself to him."
It never fails to feel like a swift blow to the chest whenever he recalls that conversation. He had known, even then, that he had not been fair in demanding such a straightforward answer when he had never given her one of his own. It had been a selfish gesture to push such a confession from her. Of the two of them, she had always been the more truthful. Even though, in a way he felt that he had finally given her a chance to voice the feelings she had been wanting to tell him. Now, as he is about to face her again with so much unresolved between them, he does not know what he can say. He has no right to ask her why she choose Niveus in the end. He as no right to make any demands.
"I might have missed something before," he admits, his eyes not leaving Stella's form showing on the monitor. "Did she say anything?"
"No, but she looked surprised to see me there," answers Hei, who is standing against the far wall across from him.
"I thought you were chasing Yin," says Pro, blinking his confusion to Hei.
"I thought she was leading me to her too. But when her Observer Spirit disappeared, I saw Stella standing there instead," explains Hei. His arms are crossed and his eyes stare at the floor to hide the influx of emotions he must be feeling.
"So Yin led you to Stella," he states, feeling impressed and bemused all at once. "You did say that Yin only went against you when it was for your overall benefit."
"She does," Hei replies, lifting his gaze to meet his and it is then it seem that Hei reaches an understanding inside himself.
"Does that mean that Stella might be playing Niveus?" suggests Glad.
He wanted to think so. He almost desperately wanted to believe that was what she was doing, but he has never thought denial attractive and he is too jaded to believe that life was kind enough for that. This is not a reflection on how he sees Stella specifically, but everyone. There have been far too many people in the past that he had wanted to trust but had ultimately betrayed him.
"It is time we find out the answer to that," he says, moving to the door of her appointed rooms.
"I thought your speech was well said, by the way," Hei remarks when he is just about to reach for the handle.
The remark makes him frown when he turns to meet the other man's gaze.
"I don't know about everyone else, but they should be glad to have someone like you around to put things back together."
"Someone like me," he slowly repeats in a low voice. Genuine compliments are so rarely expressed to him that it is strange to actually hear one.
"Someone who isn't stuck behind a desk simply making all the decisions and I think, isn't hiding behind a lie."
"Secrets lead to lies."
"Only if you lie about having them."
They eye each other a moment and he cannot find a thing to say, so great is his surprise. "You've never lied about it and… I don't think you plan on starting, do you?" A question expressed in the form of statement.
Cryptic if he ever heard anything so, but it hits too close to the root truth that he does not respond and chooses to focus on turning the knob and opening the door. He can think about that later. Later when he does not feel so shaken and unbalanced. Everything is happening too quickly that he has not had any time to collect himself. He enters the room with so many thoughts swirling around in a vortex of chaos in his mind that he is nothing but a mess. What he wants to do is run, but all he can do is take further steps toward the fragile yet indestructible person lying on the bed. He wishes, in that brief moment when he allows himself to, that he could run away with her.
Palms sweaty and heart beat racing, a peculiar sensation churns in his gut. Nervousness washes over him. As uncomfortable has he had been speaking to the public earlier, it does not even compare to the anxiety he feels walking closer to her prone form. Words spoken by faceless people did not hurt so well as from her. She could say or do anything and he knows he has no shield against her. She alone had the ability to open him to so great a vulnerability that she scares him more than anyone.
He does not try to be quiet as he moves about and noisily settles into the lounge chair placed beside the bed. Long blond hair cascades along the pillow and with her back to him, he finds it a little easier to gather strength to speak.
"I know that you are awake," he manages to say evenly. "Will you speak with me?"
The sudden tensing of her back proves him correct before he sees her cautiously rise into a sitting position and slowly turning her body to face him. He has to fight a scowl at the hollow look that remains in her eyes. The very same one from the last time he has seen her and he would rather see her wrath than this.
"Have I fallen so far from your good opinion that you feel nothing when you look at me?"
Hollowness is replaced with confusion but she does not verbally respond.
"I thought you were dead," he admits softly. To speak any louder would give away more emotion than he will allow himself to. "Goddess, I thought I would never see you again."
"Again?" her soft voice asks.
His blue eyes fly to her violet ones and he barely restrains himself from reaching for her.
"No matter how I left things the last time we met, I never wanted any of this to happen."
Those eyes of hers blink at him a number of times. More surprise and that frustrates and confuses him further. She had known him. Despite all his attempts to keep her from seeing, she had always seen him. She had to have known he cared for her, despite it all. There was no reason for her to be surprised. Had he really succeeded in convincing her of his indifference when he had not even convinced himself?
With a long sigh, he leans forward to rest his elbows atop his knees. "I wish you would stop looking like you believe I would harm you," he says warily.
"I, I have no reason to believe otherwise," she replies softly.
His eyes fly to hers and for the first time he finally notices, really notices the expression in her eyes. What he sees almost would have made him stagger back if he were not already sitting. Then he wants to rage.
For within the confusion and sympathy, he realizes what that the hollowness means. Something so blatantly obvious that he should have noticed sooner but he has been too distracted. Something he has completely disregarded when he should have been paying attention. The anger wells up so high within him that he can feel the air around them crackle with it. He leans in dangerously close to her and can feel his blue eyes turn red.
"You are not my Stella," he fairly seethes.
To think, he believed he had gotten her back. To think, he had actually allowed himself to hope.
"Your Stella?"
"How is it that you came to be there when Hei was chasing after Yin?" he demands, barely keeping his voice level.
"Hei?" she asks with surprise.
"The man that captured you," he explains with a calmness he does not feel. He wants to throw something. He wants to hurt something to match how he feels right now. He wants to tear the room apart with his hands bare hands. Most of all, he wants to be gone and alone so no one can witness his inner torment at knowing that this woman was not the one he wanted.
"You mean the masked man that knows Yin?" she asks carefully and waits for his answering nod, because nodding is all he can do calmly. "Yin is working for you, is that it?" There is honest betrayal behind her tone. Too great for just a passing acquaintance. "I trusted her," she goes on. "I trusted her and…" Those violet eyes fly to him. "She led me to you."
That she did. He does not understand the reasons behind that but he is grateful. He is very grateful for this clarity that Yin has provided.
"Now you say that I am not your Stella."
What else is there to say to that? He can blame it on the slip of a tongue. His shock had been so great that he had just blurted it out instead of keeping it to himself like he should have. He does not answer her, but makes towards the door instead. There were no more answers that he would get from her that would be prudent at this time.
"Please! Wait!" she begs from behind him. He can hear her shuffle to her feet and try to come towards him but he stiffens before turning his head to peer at her from over his shoulder. If she touched him, he does not know what he will do. "I have been trying to understand what has happened to me." She must know he is livid and yet she still takes another step closer to him. Like she is more afraid of him leaving her than him staying. "I believe that you will be able to help me."
"Help you?" he asks skeptically.
"There are so many things that have not made any sense since…," she hesitates.
"Since what?"
He watches as she bites her lip in an unconscious gesture that has his heart beginning to beat faster in a way that was not related to anger.
"Since the destruction of my home," she says finally.
"What do you mean?"
"You are saying that I am not the Stella that you knew. Which means that you did know me, which means that you can answer questions that I have had since… since Yin saved me that day of the explosion."
"Are you expecting me to believe that you lost your memories in that blast?" he asks in disbelief.
"You have a right to be suspicious. As I have a reason to be wary of you," she replies. "So why does my heart tell me to trust you?" Her small fist clenches against her breast and he can see the familiar stubbornness that he always found so endearing. He could tell it was not a practiced move, but an unconscious gesture. Still, he cannot trust himself enough to think it proof of what she has claimed. "When I know in my head that, that is the last thing that I should do."
"I suppose that means we are at an impasse, are we not?" he asks. "I find your story of amnesia a bit too convenient."
"We are special to each other," she states and she sounds accusing.
"How much of your memory have you supposedly lost?" he asks to evade that statement.
"I am not sure entirely," she answers, thinking it over. "I would say the last year."
Very convenient. That entirety of their acquaintance.
"You said Yin saved you that day?"
"Yes, she did. Yin is very powerful. She managed to keep the both of us alive but I was injured already injured. Then Niveus came for us afterwards."
He finds himself stiffening at the mention of that other man's name. The way in which she utters it is so very different than the way she would have said it before. There is dependence and affection and it almost makes him sick.
"Yin told me about a man named Hei. How he always protected her and watched over her."
He nods, not knowing where she is going with this line of thought.
"I could tell from the way that he reacted to her the other night that it was must be him. I could not be sure because she did not speak of him afterwards. But, she led me to him. She must have known that he would bring me to you. That would mean that we are special to each other."
How does he respond to that?
"You did something," she says, accurately reading him. "You have done things you are not proud of and one of them involves me."
"And you can tell that how?" he asks cynically.
"The remorse on your face when I first saw you," she replies ignoring his tone.
It was so like her to render him speechless with her straight forwardness and she does so, so effortlessly.
"Please do not try to avoid answering the question," she says and he almost smiles at the familiar way she states this.
"I have done many bad things," he admits. "What I did to you, to us, was not one of them."
"At least, you believe that to be so," she clarifies as she studies him for a moment.
"What I did not intend, was for you to be injured and then taken care of by our enemy," he says through clenched teeth.
"Our enemy?"
"That is what I said," he replies with a nod. "So I do not think I can entirely trust you at present."
"Like you trusted me then?" she shoots back at him and again, he fears that she still sees too much because then she smiles sadly to herself. "You did not trust me then either."
"It was not you I did not trust."
"Then who?"
"Myself," he says a little harshly. "You did it then and you do it even now. Now even when I am supposed to believe that you do not remember everything that we... even when you say you do not remember," he finishes instead and does not want to give her even more power. Instead he focuses on taking steady breaths.
"I must have loved you fiercely," she observes quietly and when he looks at her face again, she looks conflicted. "I must have... but that does not make any sense."
"Why?"
"Because I belong to another," she says. "I cannot believe I would do something as dishonorable as to be engaged to one man while loving another or, even worse, loving two. That would make me a very frivolous woman."
"If anything, you always were too trusting," he reasons. "I would never even insinuate that you were frivolous."
She makes an amused sound that turns into a soft giggle that has him looking at her in confusion. She sobers at the look on his face but her mirth is so characteristic to her too that he cannot even be annoyed that she finds amusement now. To further throw him off balance, she reaches out and touches him lightly on the cheek.
He jerks at her touch with a flinch but he does not move away.
"If I meant that much to you, why did you let me go?" she asks. It sounds like a light chide when she has every right to demand the answer. Then she cocks her head to the side. "Complicated," she says before he can. "You are not what I was told you would be like."
"I get that a lot."
"And yet, you are just as you are supposed to be," are her mysterious next words and she cuts off their connection by taking her hand away from his cheek.
He almost snatches her hand to put it back and keep her skin against his.
He can see so much in her eyes and on her face that what they have said is causing a chaotic blend of emotions inside her. They mirrored how he felt at this moment too. Too many emotions when he hated having them at all.
"I would ask nothing from you," he says honestly. He could not hope to ask anything from her. He knows that without a doubt. Even were she to betray him now, he could not blame anyone but himself. "I would make no demands from you either."
"But what do you want from me anyway?" she asks.
"Only that you stay safe."
"Is that all?" she asks in obvious surprise.
He debates for a moment whether to answer and realizes he needs to give just a little if he were to gain her trust.
"I did not take news of your death well," he explains, looking away for a moment. "I do not know how I would bear losing you a second time."
"That makes no sense," she argues. "When it is obvious from your demeanor that we were not together when I lost my memory."
"It was a comfort knowing that you were alive somewhere and well," he replies. "I need that comfort again. You were the best I could do."
She opens her mouth but no words escape her. He can see her, his Stella, inside wanting to rage at him about being so stubborn and he wishes he could hold her, but he still cannot allow himself that. She looks frustrated and guilty and many other things that are too varied to register all at once. She tries again to speak when an explosion rocks the castle, nearly knocking her off her feet. He reaches out to steady her and gets a full view of her eyes. Those violet eyes look knowing and alarmed.
"You need to let me go now," she warns in a fearful tone and he knows she does not mean out of his current.
She is fearful for his safety.
Still so kind. Still so caring. If only...
"Niveus?" he asks, not allowing himself to think of those useless wishes again, but instead pulls away from her and readies himself for a fight.
"No!" she cries, grabbing hold of his jacket desperately to bring him back to her. "Just let me go."
"It does not stop just because I return you," he replies sternly but he makes no move to take her hands off his collar. He looks at her sharply. "Do you wish to go?"
She looks torn for a moment, biting her lip again in that nervous gesture that is so familiar. "I want to stay with you."
Her answer surprises him but he has not time for this.
"Than you shall," he says simply. "And no one will take you away from me."
"Niveus would not come himself now," she states, in that same wary tone. "It is too soon."
The coward.
Too soon for what would be something else he could ask her later, but right now they had more pressing matters. "Who would he have sent?"
"The Dragon Knight."