Disclaimer: Teen Titans is the property of DC Comics and Warner Bros. "The Hollow Men" was written by T.S. Elliot, and the use of passages to open each chapter is done with the utmost respect for one of the English languages best craftsmen. Thank you, and enjoy.
Titans Broken
Chapter 5: Dreams and Nightmares
Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer—
- T.S. Elliot's "The Hollow Men"
Batman stepped out of the small room and tossed the tiny syringe in the trash. With a nod he signaled to the waiting medical team. They rushed inside with a crash cart as he took a deep breath.
"So you got them both?" Superman asked from where he stood in the corner of the room.
He nodded. "Yes... I must admit I found Starfire's sleeping position... disturbing."
The crash cart rolled back into the hall with the orange skinned Tamaranian atop it, her hands still clutching the black and red Nightwing uniform. As it clattered down the hallway Superman arched an eyebrow. "Still?"
"Still... I guessed that her breakup with Nightwing was at least a part of the cause for her behavior." Batman shrugged. "I did not expect such blatant proof or the severity of her mental impairment."
"We don't exactly have a Tamaranian psychologist on staff..." Superman said flatly. "There's no real telling what approaches will function on her and what won't."
"And you're Kryptonian, so I guess you know about that." Batman said flatly.
Clark scowled slightly. "I grew up on this planet Bruce, my psychology is more human than Kryptonian, you know." He crossed his arms over his chest. "You're not exactly the healthiest example of the human mind yourself."
"I am functional... that girl is not." Bruce said. "We're lucky that Red Hood isn't interested in world domination, with her as his minion we'd have a fight on our hands."
"She's not that strong..." Superman said.
"Her starbolts make her dangerous, not her fists... plus as strong as you are I can still roll with one from you." Batman said gruffly.
"I won't argue with that, it's not worth it." Superman answered. "J'onn was wondering how much sleep you'd like them to get before the simulation began."
"I don't expect either of them to sleep well, we can simulate a normal environment for them to wake up to and spring it on them later." Bruce said.
Superman nodded. "I still do not like this Bruce. You aren't hoping to break the both of them?"
"It doesn't matter. If they break we'll be here to rebuild them. Give them a purpose and discipline. That's part of any training regime, breaking down the recruit to rebuild them into what you need." Batman said before heading to the elevator.
"There has to be something left to build upon." Superman said as he followed him into the lift.
Batman tapped a button on the panel. "That's why their friends are monitoring them so closely."
"Surely you should be worried as well. He is your son after all."
"Adopted son." Bruce said.
"It doesn't matter. You should be worried about him, shouldn't you?" Superman asked.
Bruce's lip twitched. "I'm not much of a father."
"I know you don't trust his friends." Superman said.
"I don't trust anyone."
Raven swallowed a lump in her throat as the two carts rolled into the middle of the room, both their heads facing a computer terminal. J'onn stood behind it, speaking in quiet tones to Barbara Gordon as they went over the Mind Machine Interface that he'd be wearing.
M'gann stood off to the side looking terribly nervous and pale for a martian as Cyborg set up his own medical instruments to monitor the pair. He finished a quick diagnostic scan on Starfire before tapping on his wrist terminal. "Her endorphin levels are up since that exam."
Raven blinked in surprise. "Really?" She stepped up to the side of Starfire's head and reached out with her mind. A strange feeling of familiarity and comfort filled Starfire's mind and Raven's lip twitched into a slight smile. "It seems the uniform is helping."
"You think that's the cause?" Cyborg asked.
"Endorphins do more than simply trigger the emotions of happiness, pleasure, and euphoria... We all have our 'normal' levels and having below normal levels are symptoms of depression, addictive behavior, and depersonalization disorder." Raven glanced at Dick lying on the bed beside Starfire. "At least in humans... the condition that Starfire is suffering from is known as Z'hom. It normally comes about from the death of the Tamarian's spouse or life mate. It's really rare for it to come from a breakup, since breakups rarely happen once a Tamarian has admitted to being in love, but... then she wasn't in a relationship with a Tamarian."
"But the uniform..."
"Scent memory, it's giving her a sense of comfort sleeping with it." Raven said from where she sat.
"Should we remove it when the simulation starts then?" Barbara Gordon asked from where she sat.
J'onn held out a green hand and shook his head. "That will be unnecessary. Any external stimuli are overridden during the simulation."
"Alright." Barbara said quietly and Raven caught her gaze flicking back to the uniform with a scowl. "Is she... kind of clingy?"
"She's merely a touchy feely sort of person. Tamaranians express closeness and affection primarily through touch." Raven sighed. "She's clinging to what little happiness or at least comfort she can get."
"I read the file." Barbara snapped.
"Then you know..." Raven started.
Barbara's expression hardened. "That the only way for her to return to normalcy is for her to win him?"
"I wouldn't put it that way." Cyborg said coolly. "Just cool your jets Barbara."
"Fine..." She huffed. "It doesn't make dealing with this any easier."
"I understand that." Cyborg answered gruffly.
M'gann stepped from the wall and glanced around the room. "Please, we are here to help them. Do not fight."
Cyborg sighed as Barbara's head dropped. Raven closed her eyes and huffed before looking back at the two on the tables. She flinched as a wave of pain rolled from Dick's mind. Around her, she saw the two Martian's flinch at the emotional wave and Raven swore. "Nightmare."
"So... what should we do?" M'gann asked.
"Nothing, I'll just keep an eye on him for a bit." Raven said. She glanced up as the doors hissed open. Batman and Superman stepped inside followed by a familiar green figure.
"Garfield!" Raven said unable to help the smile that passed across her face on seeing him. He stumbled past the two older heroes and hugged her before seeing Cyborg grinning at him.
"Rae, Cyborg..." His gaze flicked to the two unconscious figures. "Guess this is why you wanted me here?"
"Yeah grass stain. We thought you'd want to be here." Cyborg said.
Raven rubbed her temples as a wave of disgust ran through Dick's mind followed by pure anger. She hissed in pain from the headache that followed.
"Rae?"
"Dick's having a nasty nightmare." Raven answered. "I... I'm wondering if I should see what's wrong. He's giving off waves of self disgust and anger right now."
"Can you do that?" M'gann asked.
"Yes, one of the few benefits of being half-demon," Raven said quietly. "Garfield... you know I'll be unresponsive if I do this."
"Yeah Rae, I know." Garfield grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'll be here."
"Thank you." Raven said and folded her legs into the lotus position. A moment later, she rose from the ground and hovered between the two beds.
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos..."
Her sense of self suddenly was enveloped in darkness and she was assaulted with the noxious odor of burning chemicals. She turned and swallowed a lump in her throat as she saw a city skyline aflame. At its center was an enormous green creature composed of chemicals.
"Azar..." She muttered to herself as she saw a red and blue figure slamming into the massive blob of green chemicals. Glancing down from the rooftop she saw a highway sign declaring in green and white: Blüdhaven.
An anguished sob echoed from the rooftop and Raven turned to see a figure clad in leather zip up her costume and saunter away from a quivering mass of blue and black.
"Dick..." She muttered and walked toward the quivering figure, her body invisible to Richard's mind. She stopped as she saw that his uniform was torn and the crotch zipper was in tatters. He seemed to be staring off into the distance, toward the skyline. Raven knelt beside him and swore as she saw that his member looked red and sore. She glanced back toward where the leather-clad figure had disappeared and gritted her teeth together in anger. "Richard... did you tell anyone?"
The battered figure of Nightwing slumped and groaned just as the red and blue figure in the distance carried the blob of green chemicals skyward leaving behind a burnt out cityscape.
Nightwing gasped for breath as rain began to pound down on the rooftop and stared unseeingly up into the sky as the whole world began to dissolve around him. Raven retreated from his mind with a snap and gasped for breath.
She tumbled from the air and landed in Garfield's lap with a gasp. "Azar... Richard, you... you..." Garfield's arms wrapped around her and she felt tears run down her cheeks. "Oh Azar... why didn't he tell anyone?"
"What?" Cyborg asked.
Raven gasped for breath and felt Batman's gaze on her. She shoved away the chill that ran down her spine from his glare. They needed to hear it.
"Dick... Dick was raped during the Blüdhaven Event." Raven said and gasped for breath.
Cyborg's fists clenched hard enough to make metal groan, Barbara's pale face was suddenly filled with tears, Beast Boy's grasp around her tightened, and Batman's head dropped toward the floor.
"Raped?" Barbara croaked. "He was... raped?"
Raven nodded and glanced up. "Did he tell anyone?"
"No." Batman stated flatly. "I found out through other means."
Barbara stood up and her fists clenched in anger. "Who? Who did that to him?"
"Tarantula." Batman said flatly. "Though she considers it consensual."
"He was practically catatonic on that rooftop. That's not consensual!" Raven snapped and pulled free of Beast Boy's grasp. "Has anything in his life worked out since he went to Blüdhaven?"
"No." Batman said. "He's a hero. He doesn't have time for a life."
Everyone in the room stared at Batman for a moment, as Barbara's pale expression grew more outraged. "He is not you, no matter how much you want him to be!"
"I agree... a hero without a life is one step away from becoming a villain. How can one maintain their humanity without a life?" Superman said.
"Rules." Batman said. "A code of morality is enough."
"For you, he's not you!" Barbara snapped. "What do you want from him?"
"I want him to be ready to take the cowl if I fall again, or if I decide I'm too old for the work." Batman stated.
"Give it to someone else, he's not you! Let him live a bit!" Babs snapped and Raven couldn't help but smile at the woman's defense of Dick.
"None of the others is ready." Batman said.
"You care more for your legend then your son's life and happiness?" Superman said coolly.
"I care about justice more than one man's happiness." Batman snapped back at Superman. "Without Batman, Gotham would be doomed. There are larger issues at stake than his happiness."
Raven scowled. "What is the purpose of this scenario? Are you trying to make him into you? Are you testing him?"
"The purpose is to restore the two of them to sanity or at least functionality." Batman said.
"You're lying." Raven snapped as she reached out with her empathic senses and felt the wall of Batman's mental defenses.
"I'm not lying. That is the primary purpose." Batman growled.
Suddenly Starfire whimpered and Raven's attention snapped to the girl. The wave of confusion and despair coming from the girl was weak, almost undetectable if her attention had not been brought to it. "Damn... now Star is in a nightmare."
"This discussion is closed, if you care for them focus on them." Batman said flatly and Raven felt her dislike for the man grow.
"Fine." Raven snapped as she focused on Starfire. "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos..." Her eyes went wide as she was dragged into the woman's mind and saw through her eyes.
"Who are you?" The question seemed to echo in her mind as she felt her heart begin to beat faster. Darkness enveloped her and she clutched the black and red uniform to her chest.
"I am Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran." She answered quietly.
A single bright light pierced down from above illuminating a white cloaked figure. A gem glinted from just behind the white hood and two azure eyes stared up at her. "That is your name and title... Who are you?"
She clutched the black and red uniform closer to her chest and swallowed. "I do not understand, I am me... I am the Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran."
A single red glowing light from a cybernetic eye appeared beside the white clad figure. Slowly the hulking shape of cyborg stepped into the light. "We are defined by outside influence."
"I am Princess Koriand'r of..."
"Who are you?" A man shouted and suddenly the two images disappeared replaced with the image of a shattered and broken city street. She felt herself thrown against a wall and a steel pipe pressed against her throat. Her gaze was torn from the background to the face of a young human boy. His face was hidden behind a mask and smoke and ash covered his cheeks. She glanced down and found a set of shackles binding her hands together.
"I am..." Koriand'r started again and stared at the mask, her heart begining to hammer in her chest. There was something familiar about the boy, something strange and comforting...
"I am Starfire, the Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran." She snapped and felt something in the restraints tighten.
"Perhaps we are asking the wrong question." The cloaked figure said as she appeared behind the boy. She was clad in blue and looked younger, more like a child almost.
"She does not understand." The cyborg said as he stepped into view.
A green-skinned boy shorter than the others peeked over the other boy's shoulder. "It's a simple question, you know?"
"She does not understand, because she buried who she was." The boy in the mask said, pressing the metal staff harder against her throat.
"I am not defined by..."
The caped figure shook her head. "No one exists in a vacuum. Our memories, our experiences, our friendships... they define us. Who are you?"
Koriand'r felt tears begin to roll down her cheeks and she swallowed. "I... I don't know. I am not defined by my relations to others, I am free!"
"You are a tool, a what, not a whom, if that is your answer." The boy growled.
She felt a blaze of anger and snarled at the boy. "Who are you to ask me?"
"We are your friends..." The caped figure said quietly before pulling the cowl down and staring up at her.
Starfire felt a gasp of recognition slip from her throat... the pale skin, azure eyes, and gem set in the middle of her forehead were the same as the girl that had given her the armor, the uniform of Dick's. Slowly the Cyborg stepped further into the light and she recognized him too.
"Vic... Rachel?" She asked quietly before looking at the boy with the staff. "And you are..."
The two in the back nodded as the boy scowled. Slowly he seemed to morph, growing older until he was a boy no longer. His mask and costume changed... becoming a black armored suit with a red insignia emblazoned on his chest. "Do you remember now?" He snarled.
"D... Dick?" She muttered and felt even more frightened, this boy had been the one that she'd drawn comfort from. The one she'd been desperate to remember. Why was he being so mean to her?
The pressure of the staff slowly eased and the man leaned back away from her. "So... who are you?"
"I... I do not know." She said quietly.
A smirk flickered across his face and he turned toward her. "Well... I think that's a step in the right direction." Then everything went black.
"Hello?" She called. After glancing down she found that she was holding the red and black uniform to her chest still. She swallowed. "Hello?"
"The subject is awake..." A reptilian voice hissed and she froze. This was something she remembered. Her heart hammered in her chest as a grey skinned reptile clad in a cloak stepped into view. Its eyes were black like night and its mouth was filled with dagger like teeth. It was expressionless, cold, and hostile.
"No..." She whispered. "No!" Her eyes snapped shut as her mind ran screaming from the memory. She ran and slammed into something hard and slimy. She fell back against the ground and clutched the armored fabric.
Her eyes flew opened as enormous cold hands grabbed her legs and tried to force them open.
"No!" She screamed and lashed outward at the shadow above her. Purple light blasted from her fist and into the shape. A gurgle came from the mass of flesh before it fell to the ground. She gasped for breath on the floor and swallowed back the bile which rose in her mouth.
"Why are you here Kori? The Citadel will go to war against us in retaliation!" A familiar voice called from behind her. "You must be returned!"
"No!" She screamed again. "Why?" She yelled as two hulking sets of hands grasped her by the arms. She caught sight of the speaker as she was dragged upright and gaped.
Her father stood before her, with her sister, brother, and mother alongside him. Kom looked gleeful while Ry looked horrified, tears streaming down his cheeks.
"Father?" She begged.
"For the salvation of Tamaran, you must be sacrificed." He said.
"No!" She screamed again, it was not happening, it could not be happening, not again! Father was dead... She shuddered and glared at the figure. "This is not happening, you're not real... none of this is real!"
"Ah but it is..." Raven's cool and collected voice answered. "Or don't you remember?"
"You... you did this to me or that other one..." She trembled as she saw Raven staring at her from behind the figures. "You planted these memories!"
"No... I'm not even really here..." Raven's voice grew softer as she seemed to dim. "This Starfire... this is your life." Then she was gone.
"No..." Starfire found herself on a street strewn with debris, her hands manacled together while her fists glowed with green fury. Robin stood before her, cautiously approaching.
"It's okay... we're friends." He said as he pulled out a lock-pick from his belt. "Just hold still..."
The scene shifted to the top of a battered high-rise. She stood with her fist out, glowing as Robin stood facing her, a laser strapped to his wrist, glowing ominously.
Other flashes appeared one after another, a plot by Kom to marry her off, battles against darkness, demons, and other terrifying foes. They were always there, those that called themselves her friends.
Another wedding appeared before her mind and she swallowed a lump that rose in her throat. She stood facing the boy Robin grown into a man... glancing down she saw that she was clad in a bright white wedding gown.
"You may kiss the..."
Suddenly Raven was there, four glowing red eyes glowing behind the hood. The large man clad in the vestments of a priest dropped to the ground, slain by black tendrils spilling from Raven's cloak.
"No!" Starfire screamed.
Another blizzard of images followed, fights and squabbles between her friends. And she found herself standing at the edge of the pool a chill rolling down her spine. Her Robin stood. His face taut... "No."
No? What did I ask? Starfire gaped at him and felt her whole body shudder. He started to walk away and she felt tears begin to roll down her cheeks. The whole world grew dark until she could see nothing.
She heard herself speaking in a desperate and panicked tone, they were words she'd forgotten a record she'd left behind to remind herself... a record she'd been unable to access.
"Oh X'hal... I am Z'hom, I am Z'hom..."
She burst into tears and collapsed on the floor shuddering. Her breath came in a rasp. "I... I..."
"Who are you?" Her friends asked again.
"I am Z'hom... I am broken... I am the broken shell of your friend Starfire." She murmured and cried. One by one, she felt hands lying upon her back and shoulders as if offering comfort, contact. She hugged the Kevlar and Nomex to her chest. "Oh Robin..." She buried her head into the uniform and cried. "My life… maybe I do not want to remember."
"Star…" The figure of Robin knelt down before her. "There were better times."
"We love you." Cyborg said.
Raven straightened. "You were a sister to me."
"And me…" The green figure said.
"Please…" Robin said. "Please remember."
She looked up to him. "Do you love me?"
Suddenly the image of her Robin in the swimming pool returned and she shuddered as he said that single word. "No."
Raven gasped for breath as her eyes snapped open and glared at the figure of Nightwing lying out on the table. Her head throbbed and she rubbed her temple. "Damn…"
"Rae? Are you okay?" Garfield's voice echoed in the room as others turned to look toward her.
"Yeah… it's alright Garfield." Raven took a deep breath.
"Starfire's heart rate is elevated. She would have woken up if not for the drugs in her system." Cyborg said quietly. "What happened in there?"
"Flashbacks, snippets of the past…" Raven said quietly. "Part of her subconscious remembers and… well, she's remembered us in her subconscious too, but it's bad Victor… really bad."
"What threw you out Rae?" Garfield asked.
Raven swallowed. "She… she asked Robin if he loved her and immediately flashed to when they broke up."
"Damn." Cyborg said. "I'll watch the monitors, from the lack of REM she's getting at the moment, she's not dreaming anymore."
"There were things… things that happened to her that I didn't even know in there." Raven said as she laid a hand over her heart.
"We all have secrets." Garfield said quietly. "We'll get them through this, you hear me Raven?"
She nodded and glanced back at them. "I… I'll go in again, just give me a minute."
J'onn shook his head. "That is unnecessary. I've begun simulating the day. She's woken up."
"Any problems?" Raven asked quietly.
J'onn shook his head. "No, I am surprised by how primal her mind is… so much instinct, but so little emotion. It is most disconcerting."
Green Lantern nodded from where he stood at a monitoring station. "Most uplifted species have that sort of brain structure… the artificial addition of intelligence doesn't override instinctive programming or restrain emotions. The lack of emotions is very unusual from a Tamaranian."
"Not from one with Z'hom." Raven said quietly. "How long will she be awake before the simulation truly begins?"
"A few hours." J'onn said.
Starfire sobbed and clutched the red and black uniform to her chest. She stared at the digital clock that sat atop the small dresser. It declared the time to be 04:30 hours. She felt her stomachs growl as she shakily stood and stumbled over to the dresser. Her hands fumbled with the latches on the small suitcase sitting atop it as she tried to hold the uniform at the same time. Finally, the latches clicked and she pulled it open.
She grabbed the lavender t-shirt and khaki pants along with a clean set of underwear and stumbled to the bathroom still clutching the uniform. A long sniff brought the scent from the cloth to her nose and set a fire burning deep inside her gut. She swallowed and closed her eyes before stopping beside the shower door. The fresh clothes dropped to the counter beside the sink as she began to peel off her nightclothes one handed. They fell to the floor and she lifted the Nightwing uniform to her nose and took a deep breath letting the aroma of human sweat, cologne, leather, kevlar, and nomex fill her lungs before she draped it over the towel rack and stepped inside.
She fumbled with the controls and closed her eyes as the water washed over her. Her body, so much hardier than that of the humans she'd lived amongst for so long, couldn't comprehend the differences in temperature between their cold and hot. Still the feel of water running over her orange skin was comforting.
Her hair was ratty and knotted as she ran her hands through it. She grabbed the small bottle of conditioner and dumped it on her hair. Standing below the showerhead, she sighed quietly and felt the soapsuds slowly washing down her back as she rinsed her hair. Then she grabbed the soap and cautiously began to lather her body.
A knot was settling in her stomachs and she hurried through washing her body, a cloud of depression slowly settling on her shoulders. Her heart clenched and she closed her eyes before taking a shaky breath and shutting off the shower. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she stepped through the shower door, not caring to notice the soapsuds that covered her body in her haste to get out.
She snatched the uniform from the rack and breathed in its smell. Her depression disappeared and she clutched the uniform to her chest. "Oh X'hal... what happened to us, to me." She began to towel off as best she could one handed while still holding the uniform. Finally, she dropped the towel onto the floor and began to dress.
It took a while to pull on her clothes and when she was done, she pursed her lips, and glanced at the uniform. Its zipper was up the back and she fiddled with it for a moment before tying it around her waist as she'd seen some humans do with a hoodie.
Her stomach growled as she stepped out from the bathroom and walked over to the door. She remembered Raven saying something about the cafeteria onboard and wandered out into the hall. Following the signs, she made her way to a spacious room filled with tables that faced out over the blue, green, and white expanse of the globe.
"Hey... hey!" A voice shouted from one of the table and Starfire stopped to squint at the figure of a redheaded young man clad in a gold costume. "Starfire?"
She slowly walked toward him. Her shoulders slumped slightly. Was this another one of her forgotten friends, another of her lost memories? "Umm... do I know you?"
The young man blinked and squinted at her. "It is Starfire right?"
"Yes..." She said quietly. "I am sorry... my memory has been... damaged by events."
"Oh... well, my name is Wally... I see you remember Dick at least." He glanced at the uniform wrapped around his stomach. "You hungry?"
"Yes." Starfire answered as she flushed. "I am most famished..."
"I'll just grab another tray and get back to you. You like waffles right?" The boy spoke quickly and Starfire had to take a moment to understand him before nodding. "Be back in a flash."
She hadn't expected it to be literal. The boy was a gold blur as he zoomed through the line and returned with a pair of trays. The plates and silverware clattered for a moment from a sudden spot. "Here you go..." He said before handing over the tray.
"Thank you." Starfire whispered before smiling faintly at him. "You are a friend with Dick then?"
"Yeah, come on... sit down. What you don't want I'll eat." Wally said and grinned at her. "What have you been up to recently? The last I heard, you were on some mission with Captain... Comet was it?"
"I have been most busy, a villain named Crux began tormenting non-humans and I helped to stop him... then I went back to Tamaran to help against the Blight. I had just returned when the Batman and... Dick showed up and asked me to come here." Starfire said as she sat down. She took a bite from the waffles and swallowed. "I... I'm afraid I did not recognize him."
Wally froze, something that for the hyperactive youth seemed to be almost impossible and his fork clattered to his plate. "You didn't remember? But, you two were so close and... That's just unbelievable. Do you remember much now?"
She shook her head and felt tears beginning to well up in her eyes. "I... I am afraid I am Z'hom."
"What's that?" Wally asked.
"It is—"
"It's a Tamaranian psychological disorder." A gravelly voice spoke from behind her and Starfire turned to see the pale skinned form of Raven sit down beside her with a plate stacked high with waffles. "It's similar to human depersonalization, depression, and traumatic repressive disorders."
"Friend Raven... I had not spoken of it yesterday, how did you know?" Starfire asked quietly.
"I did some research and found the cause." Raven said as he glanced at Wally just as he snatched a waffle. The youth's hand was encased in dark energy and frozen in place. "Drop it or I will take it off."
"Jeeze..." Wally muttered before letting go of the waffle. "I forgot how much of a waffle demon you were."
"Beware, I have waffles." Raven growled. "You're here, bugging the other Flash or what?"
"Something like that." Wally grinned at her for second before letting out a sigh, "Actually… Black Canary called me to help with Dick."
Starfire glanced at her plate and poked at a blob of butter. "You said you know the cause..."
"Yes." Raven said quietly before glancing at the uniform. "I think you might know as well..."
"It is Dick is it not?" Starfire said quietly. "He... why... I do not understand."
"I know." Raven said quietly. "He made a terrible mistake, and you're paying for it."
Starfire closed her eyes. "My heart, soul, and body still longs for him... still remembers him. But my mind does not."
"Yes." Raven said quietly. "He didn't understand how much he meant to you or how much he hurt you... At least I don't think he did. Those were tough days."
"I am Z'hom... my soul is weeping and begging to travel to X'hal." She cried. "I do not wish to..."
"Star no! Do not even think it." Raven said coldly. "Doing that would kill him as much as it would end your pain. Could you do that to him?"
"I do not know him now..." Starfire said quietly.
"You do." Raven said. "And it's tearing you up inside how much you've forgotten... that you've forgotten us just as much as you've forgotten him."
She closed her eyes and set her head on the table. "Yes... my dreams included you Raven, Robin, and Cyborg. There was another one I don't remember... a green one." She glanced up at Raven. "Who was he?"
A wistful smile slipped across Raven's lips and she glanced toward the door. "That was Garfield. He went by Beast Boy then."
Starfire looked at Raven. "I see... are you fond of him Raven?"
Her cheeks darkened and she glanced away. "It doesn't matter. I'm focused on helping you Starfire." She took a bite of waffle and relaxed. "What do you remember?"
"I... I remember flashes... little bits." She said quietly. "He... he told me no? Did I ask him if he loved me and he said no?"
Raven closed her eyes and nodded. "Yes, you... you broke up after that. Dick went running to Babs and left us. It was a mess Star, a real mess."
"Is he and this 'Babs' together still?" Starfire asked with a croak in her voice.
Raven nodded. "Yes... Dick proposed to her but, they're not engaged."
Starfire blinked away tears. "Then I shall forever be Z'hom..." She squeezed shut her eyes and began to cry in earnest. "Oh X'hal, forgive him... he does not know, he does not understand."
Wally stared at the two of them and arched a scarlet eyebrow. "So... what exactly are you talking about with this Z'hom thing?"
Raven sighed. "Z'hom is the result of a Tamaranian losing a loved one... Most people do not understand but Tamaranains can bond with those they fall in love with, it becomes almost like a symbiotic relationship and can only occur once in their lifetimes. If the partner is lost they become Z'hom... it means something like soul sick or cleaved souls. Slowly the body stops normal endorphin production and the Tamaranian slowly begins to lose her memories of the bonded one. What I read suggests it is the Tamaranian's mind attempting to erase the bond so that they can bond with another, but this almost never happens."
"So... it's like a really, really bad case of heartbreak where you forget the one you loved and can never fall in love again?" Wally said. "But... Star's a widow, like twice over."
"Those were political marriages and while they were sexually active with each other, they were not bonded." Raven said quietly.
Starfire closed her eyes. "Prince Karras was a most kind husband. There are laws upon Tamaran to protect bonded couples... mating with a bond-mate outside of wedlock is not considered adultery as amongst the nobility so few marriages are between bond-mates."
"Oh Star..." Wally said quietly. "That sucks."
"Yes, my life has been doing the sucking." Starfire murmured.
"So you... you bonded to Dick, and he dumped, you triggering this?" Wally said.
Starfire nodded and sighed. Raven finished her waffles and pushed the plate away. "Starfire's condition is fairly advanced, she... she's been collecting mementos of the old team to try and bring back her memory."
"Oh... hence that uniform." Wally said quietly. "That sucks Star. Is there anything I can do?"
"No... Unless you can convince Dick to take me back." Starfire said quietly and buried her face in her arms. "I do not know if I even want that. I could not steal him from another."
"Star..." Raven said quietly. "He cares about you still... maybe you can't be lovers but being friends would help, wouldn't it?"
"I do not know... but would the 'Babs' allow me to be his friend?" Starfire asked. "I... I am most confused."
Wally stared at his stack of now emptied plates and sighed. "Oh damn... Dick was an ass to you. He was an ass to everyone back then. He's not the same anymore."
"Yeah... he's beaten now." Raven said quietly. "Batman asked us to evaluate him... He's worried Dick will crack."
"Raven... why did 'Babs' not accept Dick's proposal of marriage? Is he not desirable?" Starfire said quietly.
Raven sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Probably because she didn't like getting married to him, immediately after he dumped you."
"Oh... he did the betraying of me?" Star asked quietly.
Raven nodded once. "Yes, he did."
Dick stared at the shattered glass of his mirror and closed his bloodshot eyes. He'd been tormented with dreams of the day Blüdhaven burned, the day Raven attacked his wedding to Starfire, the day the Joker shot him, and the day he'd broken up with Starfire.
"I'm an ass." He growled under his breath as he glared at the multiple reflections. "What do I do now?"
The door to his quarters hissed open and Dick growled under his breath. "Go away Bruce."
"It's time for breakfast, and I ain't Daddy Bat." Cyborg's voice answered from the door and Dick spun toward him just as a green-skinned youth with a monkey like tail stepped around Cyborg.
"Cy, Beast Boy?" Dick squinted at them and rubbed his eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"Looking after an old friend." Beast Boy said.
"Thanks..."
"It ain't you." Cyborg growled. "Get in the shower and get dressed. I owe you a beatin' later."
Dick gaped at them. "What?"
"Yeah Dick, go before we decide to beat you senseless." Beast Boy snapped. "I had to call in sick to a shoot... now move!"
Dick stumbled into the bathroom as a black and red uniform slammed into his chest tossed by Cyborg and shut the door. "What the hell guys?" He yelled as he almost tumbled into the shower stall.
"Star's gonna need to be institutionalized because of you." Beast Boy snapped. "She's like a sister to us! You expect some other reaction Dick?"
"Fuck." Dick groaned as he stumbled into the stall and started shedding his clothes. "What do you mean institutionalized?"
"She's borderline sociopathic Dick, because you fucking dumped her... Tamaranians don't react well to heartbreak." Cyborg shouted through the door. "You know what happens?"
"No..." Dick muttered. "I don't."
"They shut down man... Star doesn't even produce enough endorphins to smile without getting laid first. She's broken, her memory is smashed, and she doesn't feel anything but anger and pain anymore." Cyborg yelled. "And it's all your fuckin' fault."
Dick flinched. "Fuck..." He hung from the showerhead as the water cascaded over him. "You... what... How the fuck did this happen?"
"You broke up with her, that's how... you idiot." Beast Boy yelled through the door. "After you went and cheated on her with Babs..."
"Shit..." Dick rubbed his face and stared up at the ceiling. "She... she'd really be institutionalized?"
"No... But she will be deported, the Tamaranians use people like her as fuckin' suicide troops because they don't care if they die anymore." Cyborg yelled.
Dick slammed a fist into the tile and felt a bit of blood run along his knuckles. "Can't she fall in love with some Tamaranian Prince or something?"
"They're not physiologically capable of falling in love twice. They're a monogamous species." Cyborg said.
"Bullshit." Dick said. "She's had like four other lovers beside me, two of them she fucking married."
"They were political marriages Dick, there was no love there... and she's addicted to endorphins since you and she broke up. You think sleepin' with Roy Harper meant anything to her?" Cyborg yelled.
"That's not monogamous." Dick ground out.
"Sure it is, even monogamous critters will have sex outside their partners, but they stick to that one partner their whole life, socially if not sexually." Beast Boy said.
"How'd you know that grass stain?" Cyborg asked.
"I've been some of those critters, I know those instincts Cyborg." Beast Boy answered.
"Fuck... what do you want me to do?" Richard snapped as he turned off the shower and grabbed a towel.
"Fix it." Beast Boy snapped.
"How? I gave Bab's an engagement ring!" Dick snarled.
"It wouldn't be the first time you fucked around on your fiancé." Cyborg snapped. "Plus, did she even say yes? I ain't got a weddin' announcement from you or her."
"No..." Dick groaned.
"So fix this or accept the beatin' that's coming to ya." Cyborg yelled through the door. "You deserve it for breakin' her heart you know!"
Dick slumped, closed his eyes, and muttered to himself. "Yeah... I know. I'm such a fucking dick sometimes." He gritted his teeth as he remembered how long he'd resisted Starfire's offer of sex, how he'd wanted to make sure she was the one for him after sleeping with Babs early had destroyed that earlier relationship. "Damn it."
"Raven's talking portals to hell, Dick, and I'm not going to stop her." Beast Boy yelled. "You hear me?"
"Yes! I hear you." Dick yelled back as he began to pull on his uniform. "I'll... I'll talk to her, alright?"
"Good." Cyborg said.
"It's a start." Beast Boy snarled. "Now come out here so we can go get some food."
Barbara Gordon glanced up from her display and rubbed her temple. Exhaustion rippled through her as she stared at the two prone figures on the tables. "Would you two have really done that?" She finally asked before glancing at Cyborg and Beast Boy.
The two shuffled nervously before nodding one after another. Barbara furrowed her brow and huffed. "No one is on my side. Not even Batman."
"What do you mean? Bats always was dragging Dick back to Gotham, and he depended on you in Blüdhaven. He was just about setting the two of you up." Raven said.
Barbara rolled her eyes. "You don't know him that well, do you? Batman never could stand for any relationship between us in the Bat Family. It was one of the reasons he fired Dick in the first place… how screwed up we got when me and Dick were dating."
"Really?" Raven asked glancing at Batman standing silently in the corner watching the screen.
"Ask him, it's one of his rules…" Barbara growled. "Why do I even try and have a relationship with anyone?"
"Because it's natural to want companionship." Raven said quietly.
"He doesn't think so." Barbara said.
"Batman's a sociopath and Dick's taken after him too much over the years." Raven sighed. "Sometimes Barbara, I wonder why you ever went out with him…"
"I've known him my whole life…"
"That doesn't make him a perfect match for you." Raven said quietly. "In fact… it actually makes it a bit disturbing, I can sense the feelings you two share and most the time they seem more brotherly and familial then romantic."
She looked as if she'd been struck over the head. "Really…"
"I told you it felt disturbing to me." Raven's lip twitched. "You are both only children with rather distant and busy parents… You're very similar."
"I guess." Barbara said quietly. "I just… I feel so guilty and at the same time don't want him to leave me…" She ran a hand through her hair and shut her eyes. "What should I do?"
"I can't tell you, you've got to make that choice for yourself…" Raven glanced at Dick. "No matter what, I think he'll be your friend."
"Would she even let me stay that?" Barbara asked as she looked at Starfire. "I'm a threat to her."
"I don't know Barbara, that's between you two." Raven said before glancing back at the monitoring screens. "But at this point, I think Starfire wouldn't care so long as she got to be with Dick."
Starfire swallowed back a lump in her throat as she watched the view-screen showing sports and news channels from all across the planet below. The cafeteria had slowly filled as the time passed and Flash would disappear for a moment or two in a blur before returning with yet another meal.
"I'm not hungry…" A low voice growled from the doorway and Starfire glanced that way just in time to see Nightwing stumble inside pushed by the familiar form of the Cyborg and a green colored young man with a furry tail. "Stop it."
"You look like shit Nightwing, and I'd rather you look a bit more lively before I pummel you." Cyborg snapped. "Now get in line and get some food."
"Fine… there's no need to manhandle me." Nightwing snapped back and stumped toward the cafeteria line. Starfire's gaze followed him as the green boy and Cyborg flanked him. A cold feeling enveloped her and she swallowed before noticing that the three seats across from her and Raven had been cleared.
"Raven?" She asked quietly.
"They'll make him sit with us." Raven said blankly. "I believe Black Canary will be here soon as well."
"What are you doing friend Raven?" Starfire asked.
"Testing a theory." Raven said as the three boys returned and guided Nightwing to the seats across from her.
Nightwing's brow arched. "What… How does she? Why does she have my uniform?"
"You should see her ship man, filled with mementos of you, now sit." Cyborg snapped and pressed Nightwing down onto the bench across from her. Beast Boy sat on the other side of Nightwing with a plate covered in what looked like real bacon and eggs.
"Beast Boy… is that meat you're eatin'?"
"Nope." Beast Boy said with a grin. "It's high quality tofu flavored to look and tastes like your meat Cyborg… good stuff."
"Ugh… still eatin' that tofu crap?"
"Yup." Beast Boy said with a grin.
"Say hi to Starfire, Nightwing." Cyborg snapped.
Nightwing slumped and played with the food on his plate before glancing up at her. "Hi."
"At least try to be nice, you dick." Beast Boy said.
"Hi Star… how are you feeling?" Nightwing finally said quietly.
Starfire swallowed. "I… I am not feeling so well."
"Sorry." Nightwing said before leaning forward slightly. A black ball of energy appeared behind him and Star felt a burst of air on her face. Her eyes suddenly widened.
She smelled him, her heart hammering in her chest. She knew her own biology, her own physiology… still many lessons had been missed, lost thanks to her enslavement.
His scent was like an intoxicating drug to her. Her whole body had been starved of endorphins, of pleasure, of happiness, and of love as the effects of Z'hom had taken hold. The effects of bonding were well documented by Tamaranian scientists and scholars. Their body's endorphin production became keyed to something from bond-mate's presence, most often their scent. To the bond-mate the scent became a pheromone of sorts.
An unassailable sense of comfort and belonging rolled through Starfire as she sat there, mere feet away from him.
"Oh X'hal…" She muttered quietly and felt her heart begin breaking once more.
"Star?" Nightwing asked.
Another breath and she felt little winged insects beginning to flap within her stomachs. Starfire felt her panties dampen and she crossed her legs nervously. This close his scent was overwhelming her, intoxicating her… No, I want anger! I want to hate him for what he's done! She felt her arm muscles begin to spasm as conflicting impulses roared through her. Her instincts were screaming at her to hold, that he was her bond-mate.
Tears ran down her cheeks. "I hate you!" She sobbed. "I loved you, I gave you everything, and you destroyed me… you are the hole of asses." The purple energy pulsed around her. Then she fell forward against the table. She pressed her head against her hands and cried. "I hate you… I want to hate you…"
"Star…" Nightwing murmured.
"Why can I not hate you? You deserve it." She whimpered. "You made me Z'hom… I am broken."
"Star…" Nightwing's head slumped forward. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry does not do the cutting of it." Starfire answered, her words a jumble. "You hurt me… you rip out my soul and liver and do the stomping on it and… I cannot bring myself to hate you!" She sobbed again and felt Raven hug her from the side. "X'hal… I am bonded to a rutha chlorbag of a human."
"Bonded, was this what you were talking about Cyborg?" Nightwing asked.
"Tamaranians are monogamous, part of their instincts involve the bonding to a single individual for life. It is more of a social bond then a sexual one but… when bonded they develop a physiological dependency on the scent of their bond-mate. When they cannot satisfy that dependency, they become Z'hom. In most cases the smell of their bond mate controls enables their body's production of emotion generating chemicals like Endorphins." Raven explained.
"So give her my dirty laundry." Nightwing snapped.
"She's been trying to hold off Z'hom by doing just that… but it's not working, she needs you around her." Raven said.
Nightwing closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. "And if I can't be part of her life?"
"Eventually she'll lose all emotion and most of her memories. She'll become a shell. Most seek out a death before reaching that point." Raven said quietly and Star closed her eyes and shuddered. "Please Dick."
"I do not wish to die… not now." Starfire whimpered.
"This is emotional blackmail." Nightwing grumbled. "You know that don't you."
Raven nodded. "I know, but I want my friend back. The boys want their sister back. Can you blame us?"
Nightwing slumped. "No, I can't."