(A/N:. Dear readers – Will you please tell me if I need to change my rating? I'm a little concerned about some of the topics I'm bringing up and/or toying with. Also, Dean wants to cuss a blue streak right about now. Would a T-rating chase you away? Oh, and thank you for being such a nice supportive group.)
Sam was sitting at the table getting some work done and waiting for Dean, who was lying on the couch flipping through channels on the television, to fall asleep. The evening had been a little drama-filled from Dean over-reacting to the additional new clothes Sam had picked up for him when he was out shopping to the disagreement about dinner and the argument over drinking. Only the second full day of being the older brother, and Sam had wanted to strangle Dean.
"Sam, how difficult's burgers and beer?" Dean had harangued him. "How does 'burgers and beer' come out sounding like Mexican food and this cat-piss sports drink in your head?"
It got worse when Sam told him he wasn't getting any beer - ever - while he was adolescent-sized, then took away the Hunter's Helper that Dean took out of their first aid kit. Knowing he couldn't hide it from his brother, Sam emptied the bottle down the sink over Dean's squawks of protest. If he wasn't so determined to not be like his father, Sam would have tanned Dean's hide and washed his mouth out with soap.
As for the Mexican food, they're in South Texas. Sam had picked up dinner from Kiki's Restaurant after reading the sign saying it was voted the best Mexican food in the city. So, okay, he figured he could get his brother to eat more vegetables if they were incorporated in chili sauce on enchiladas and in Mexican rice, but the food led to this latest show down. Dean was refusing to sleep in his bed, saying he wasn't going to be in the same small space as his Sasquatch brother when said brother was full of beans.
Musing and messing around on the computer, refusing to engage in a childish argument with his brother, Sam didn't realize when Dean finally fell asleep. The sounds of whimpering got his attention though. Sam listened, trying to hear any clues as to what was giving his brother nightmares – their past, present, hell, purgatory? Any of the hundreds of nightmare situations they have found themselves in?
Except for saying it was pure; living in monster-land with every day a struggle to stay alive, Dean hasn't told Sam much about Purgatory. Sam's imagination has filled in a lot. As for Hell, well, the brother who had come back from Hell was a far different man than the one who went. Sam knows having these wounds in his head, especially when he admits that his emotions may have regressed along with his body, must be tough for Dean. He wishes his brother wasn't trying to be so stubbornly stoic. Sam wishes Dean would talk to him, or at least agree to get help.
But how can he get help for him? Any shrink he tries will end up locking Dean, or both of them, in a loony bin.
With the sound of fluttering wings, Castiel is in the room. He looks at Sam, nods, but staggers when he sees Dean. Reaches out to find a chair and sits staring at the sleeping hunter. Sam is glad to see Cas; last they saw him he had blood coming out of his eyes and Samandriel lay dead at his hands, but he's worried about, well, about whether Cas can miraculously fix a situation that Sam isn't convinced needs fixing.
"Cas?" Sam calls softly. "Hey, should we wake Dean?"
Castiel shakes his head, places two fingers gently on Dean's forehead sending him more deeply into a quiet sleep. He picks Dean up and carries him into the bedroom, knowing to place him on the bed furthest from the door. He leaves the door slightly ajar as he comes back into the living area.
"Hello, Sam. This is far worse than I imagined," Castiel says, businesslike as usual. "I heard his prayers, but I did not hurry because he said he was in no danger. This, this is catastrophic. How can he defend himself against reprisals from Crowley as a child? How can he continue to fight against the forces of evil?"
Sam open his mouth to speak, to argue, whether it is indeed a catastrophe, but he is interrupted as Cas turns his blazing eyes upon him. "And how can you so nonchalantly be thinking of this as a, a do-over? A blessing in disguise? How can you pretend you are trying to safeguard him when you have not even warded this room?"
Sam's mouth snaps shut, and he flinches when the truth in that barb flies home, but his eyes narrow as he prepares his response. He doesn't get a chance for a while as Cas berates him with Dean's hidden past.
Sam learns a lot in Cas's rant. He learns about the last time Dean was this age. How often Dean stole, or went without, to keep Sam fed. How Dean did worse things, things he still does not allow himself to remember, to keep Sam in shoes that fit, in school clothes and winter coats, or under a roof when the motel money would run out when John was gone longer than expected. How Dean quit school to work because John was injured and someone had to feed and keep the family in shelter. How John would "discipline" Dean for Sam's misbehaviors.
"Every time he looks in a mirror right now, this is what your brother sees, what he remembers, Sam. You must stop treating him like a child. He is a 34 year old man trapped in a body that brings a mountain of sorrows down on him." Cas ends firmly. "How could you want to subject him to that?"
Sam sighs. "Of course I don't want that for him, Cas. I never would have wanted any of that for him, but I don't know how to fix what's going on right now. And you and I know he's older than he looks, but how am I going to convince anyone else of that?" Sam is standing now, towering over the angel who does not back off. "Instead of judging me for what I'm doing, why don't you mojo us back into our bodies?"
The argument grows louder until a man in a neighboring room bangs on the wall and tells them to shut up before he calls hotel management. The resulting quiet allows them to hear the soft shuffling in the bedroom. Sam looks in to find his brother packing his duffel. Cas joins him at the doorway, and they are both subjected to the angry, tear-streaked face of the de-aged Dean, who glares and continues to pack.
"What do you think you're doing, Dean?" Sam asks, reaching for his brother who backs away like he's afraid to be touched. Sam wrests the duffel from him. "You're not going anywhere."
Dean won't meet his brother's eyes, and when Cas crowds closer to him, Dean's face is filled with betrayed anguish. "How could you tell him, Cas? How could you raid my memories like that, and just, just spill them out there for my little brother to see?" Dean is still backing away from the angel. "How am I supposed to live knowing what he must think of me now?" He half-sobs, trying to contain the avalanche of emotions.
"No, Dean. No…" Sam begins. "Nothing he said changes how I feel about you." Sam is still trying to reach Dean, but Dean hears the sympathy in his brother's voice and mistakes it for pity. He backs further away from Sam.
"Dean?" Castiel is moving closer, much like someone approaching an injured wild animal - and that is what Dean reminds Cas of right now. "I am sorry if your past embarrasses you," he begins.
"Embarrass?" It's almost shouted "Embarrass doesn't cover it, Cas," Dean gasps outs. "Mortifies…"
Sam's heart feels like it may actually break in half. He has always known his brother kept things inside; he knows what low self-esteem his brother has despite his swaggering outer shell, and he now knows more clearly why. He's not sure how he's supposed to live with this knowledge either. How to go forward, especially if it is going to be up to him to keep his broken brother safe.
Cas reaches Dean then, and enfolds the trembling man in an embrace. He looks over his shoulder at Sam. "I'm going to take him somewhere safe for a moment, Sam. Somewhere remote, where he can rightfully rant and yell at me without concern about the neighbors. We will talk again in the morning, all three of us."
With that Cas and Dean are gone, and Sam is left to sort through everything that was said. He looks around the room and begins laying the salt lines he never should have neglected. Do-over or not, he will find a way to make sure his brother knows how much Sam appreciates him.