Helpless

(Chapter Four: Two Halves Of A Whole)

Olivia sighed and Elliot opened his eyes to check on her. She had her back to him and had scooted all the way in against him. He had one arm stretched out under the pillow she rested her head on and his other fell around her waist. Olivia's fingers were laced tightly in his and her arm laid against his. Elliot watched her sleep. She looked so peaceful and beautiful.

His eyes skimmed over her body from head to toe. Her hair that laid fanned out around her face and the curve of her nose, her warm golden skin against his as their arms touched, her long slender legs and toenails painted with a soft pink polish. She very well may have been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

He stared down at her and watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest with each breath she took. He thought back to that night, the night when he had laid in bed unable to sleep and walked down the hall to her room. He held her like this then. So close and tight to his own body it were as if she were and extension of him. Sometimes he wondered if she was. Another half of the whole that was only created when they were together. As if they were the same soul trapped in two different bodies, one male and one female, complete only in union.

He wondered if she had ever had these same thoughts. He laid his head against her pillow and watched her as he thought about how she had panicked when she woke up naked in his arms the next morning. She held the sheet against herself and pushed him from the bed, sobbing for him to leave her room. It broke his heart. When she came to him later and said that they had made a mistake when they had sex the night before. He felt it crumble in his chest.

And now here he was, sharing a bed with her once more. Their bodies fused together as one large mass of flesh and cotton, between three hundred thread count sheets. And still his heart was gone, only beating with hers. How could he tell her that it was not just sex for him? How could he tell her that he was making love?

After his divorce Elliot had sworn off dating. He had decided to get his life back on track and enjoy his life without the hassle of women for a while. With the exception of his daughters and his partner, of course. Olivia had invited him to come with her to Seattle for Kate's wedding. She seemed excited to have her two best friends finally be able to meet. Elliot, having no life of his own, agreed. It would be like a little mini vacation, he told himself as he packed a suitcase for the trip. And until that night it had.

He stared down at her now and thanked God that Olivia had talked him in to going on the trip with her. If he hadn't, she surely would not be there with him now. She would have probably been asleep in the bed, with no warning and been attacked like the others. He would have lost her forever. They never would have kissed or touched or made love. They wouldn't have been under that bed together and he would have never had gotten that chance to tell her that he loved her. He loved her. Elliot took a deep breath. He wondered if she had fully realized what he was trying to tell her when he mouthed those words to her. He wondered if he had meant the same when she mouthed her reply to him.

Olivia whimpered a little and stirred.

"I'm right here Liv," he whispered as he placed a soft kiss against her ear.

She moaned softly and rolled on to her back as she slowly opened her eyes to stare up at him. Elliot felt his heart pounding a thousand times a minute as he stared into the dark depths of her eyes. Without thinking he shifted and moved his hand allowing his thumb to glide gently down her jaw line and curve under her chin.

Olivia stared up at him with sleep still lingering in her eyes, blinking only once. After several long moments of staring into his eyes, she shifted hers to look at his mouth. This was a habit of hers. Elliot was not quite sure what it meant or why she did it, but she always had for as long as he had known her. As if somehow his mouth held the truth his eyes could not tell her.

Within moments their mouths were pressed gently together. He brushed his fingertips across the side of her face as he felt his tongue caress hers. Her kisses were amazing. Second only to her…..he could not believe this was happening. When the kiss had ended Elliot slipped his mouth around to the side of her neck and kissed it tenderly. Olivia closed her eyes for a second and moaned softly as he grazed the sensitive skin under her chin with his teeth as he sucked gently on it. Another sigh and he could feel his body reacting to her sounds.

"Elliot wait," she gasped placing her palm against his chest to push him back slowly.

Elliot watched her as she sat up in the bed. She took a deep breath and tucked her hair behind her ear. Then turned to look at him again.

"We can't do this. I'm sorry that I…" she paused for a minute then turned and climbed out of the bed.

Elliot reached out and grabbed her hand as she walked toward the bedroom door.

"Olivia, don't go."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She bit her lip nervously as she turned to look at him. Elliot scooted back to his side of the bed. He pulled the comforter down over him and across her side of the bed, then patted the spot where she had been laying.

"Talk to me," he said softly. "About anything, just don't go."

Olivia moved slowly back to the edge of the bed and sat down beside him.

"I don't want to do this Elliot…..sleep with you again…..have sex again. There is too much between us. I need you too much and if we do this…..I can't lose you," she sobbed.

Elliot reached to brush away her tears and slid her in next to him.

"You're not going to lose me."

"Things are just so screwed up," she sobbed as she raised her hands to her face.

Elliot placed his hand under her calf muscles and raised her legs back to the bed. He reached behind him and flipped the extra blanket over her so that there was a blanket barrier between them. He slipped his hand back into hers and lowered them both back to their pillows. Olivia laid on her back and turned her head to look at him.

"Tell me Liv," he said looking at the pain reflected in her eyes.

"Elliot…."

"It's okay," he encouraged her, "I'm a good listener."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he said nodding his head slowly.

She laid quietly for a moment just staring into his eyes. Then her tears began to surface and she broke down. Elliot slipped his hand up and cupped it against the side of her face. He held it there for a moment then brought her head against his chest. A few minutes later Olivia realized she was curled into him once more and rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She turned her head to look at him.

"She was one of my best friends Elliot. I just feel like I should have done more."

Elliot laid on his back on his side of the bed and turned his head to look back at her.

"What else could you have done Olivia?"

"I'm a cop," she gasped.

"Liv, the only reason we are alive today is because we hid. If those men had realized that we were in that house before they did, they would have killed us both. Then there would be no one who could identify the killers. And no justice for Kate and her family."

She blinked trying to register everything he was saying to her.

"I have never been more afraid in my life. I honestly thought we were going to die that night."

Elliot exhaled.

"So did I," he admitted squeezing her hand in his.

Olivia stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes and the room was quiet.

"Elliot?" She asked without looking at him.

"Yes, Liv?"

There was a pause for a moment then she drew a deep breath.

"What did you mean? Under the bed." She still refused to look at him.

"Olivia, you are my partner and best friend and my family and after that night a lover as well. You have been a constant in my life since we first met so many years ago. We have been through Hell and back together and you are the only stability in my life. The only one person I know will be behind me every time I turn around. I would do anything for you. And I don't ever want to find out what it is like to live my life with out you in it. When I told you that I love you, I meant it in every way that you can love someone. You are so much to me. One part best friend, one part sister, one part lover. I love you Olivia, but I am in love with you as well."

Olivia closed her eyes and turned her head in his direction. She opened her eyes and gazed into his as a tear rolled across the bridge of her nose and fell onto the pillow.

"I'm in love with you, too."

Elliot reached across the bed and closed the distance between their bodies by pulling her to him. He combed his fingers in her hair as he kissed her and held her tight in his arms. They kissed and touched softly for a few minutes before she settled against his chest with his arms tight around her. Elliot cupped his hand against her jaw and traced the curve of her face with his thumb.

"Do you know what I thought about?"

"What?"

"Under that bed, as I held you against me and prayed to God they would somehow overlook us."

"What did you think about?"

"I closed my eyes and I thought about memories of my kids. When they were born and learning to walk and ride a bike and drive a car. First steps and first words. And you. I thought about you, Liv. I thought about the day you walked into my life. How beautiful you were and I was so nervous around you I could barely speak, let alone walk and talk at the same time. I thought about the first time you smiled at me and the smell of your hair, the taste of your kiss and how amazing it felt making love to you to the sound of the summer rain tapping against the window. I felt your heart pounding wildly against my chest as I held you and I thought how I had no regrets about the night before. Then I thanked God for bringing you in to my life and giving me the chance to experience a love like yours. Because it was you, Olivia who taught me to love. Who showed me what real love was. And that was what I felt when I held you and saw when I looked into your eyes. After Kathy, I never thought I could feel love again. But this, with you is so much more than I have ever felt before. That is what I thought about."

Olivia smiled at him.

"What did you think about?" He asked.

"I didn't. I mean I tried not to. I was so afraid, Elliot. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the sound of your heartbeat. You are what got me through that night. You saved me, El. In more ways than one."

Elliot traced his thumb over her soft lips then kissed her passionately.

"And we are going to get through this Olivia," he said softly as he placed a tender kiss against her lips. "Together. A little at a time. I feel like I can survive anything with you by my side. And I'm here for you sweetheart, always. Anytime you need me."

Olivia stared into his eyes with so much love in hers. She took a deep breath and laid her head against his chest listening to the gentle and familiar thumping sound of his heart beat. This was the most soothing sound in the world to her.