Helpless

(Chapter Five: The Man In The Moon)

Olivia stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself. She walked the twelve steps across the small bathroom to the medicine cabinet and dragged her hand through the steam on the mirror. She stared into her own dark eyes for a moment remembering the last time she had spoken to Kate.

They were sitting on the front porch swing the evening that the murders had taken place. Elliot had already gone up to his room for the night. Olivia after finding herself restless had gone down stairs for a glass of water and found Kate sitting at the counter with a mug of hot tea.

Olivia smiled at her across the dark kitchen. Kate sat an extra mug beside hers on the counter and poured a cup of the warm liquid for Olivia as well. Olivia picked up the mug from the counter and raised it to her mouth breathing in the soothing scent of the peppermint tea.

"It's good," Kate said with a warm smile. "Hot tea always helps me unwind after a long day." She stared across the counter at Olivia. "Let's go someplace we can talk."

Olivia followed her through the kitchen and out onto the front porch as they both took a seat on the porch swing.

"I love it out here. I used to sneak out her at night when I was a kid. Anytime I couldn't sleep or had a lot on my mind. I would sit on this old wooden swing and stare up at the stars. I'd talk to the man in the moon."

"The man in the moon?" Olivia raised an eyebrow at Kate in curiosity.

Kate smiled. "It was an old story my grandma used to tell me when I was little. Anytime you have troubles, anything that worries you, you tell the man in the moon and he makes it all better."

"Does that really work?" Olivia asked.

"No. But it makes me feel like someone is listening and that makes me feel better."

They both laughed as Olivia took another sip of her tea.

"So, do you want to tell me what is going on between you and Detective Stabler?" Kate gave Olivia an inquisitive stare.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, no. No, no, no. I know you better than that, Olivia Benson. You think after all of the years I have known you I wouldn't recognize that look?"

"What look?"

"That one, right there. That, I did something I wasn't supposed to and now I am afraid of getting caught look."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Liv, it's me. We used to tell each other everything."

"I tell you things."

"Olivia!" Kate leaned across the swing and stared Olivia down. "Are you going to sit here and tell me that you are not in love with this man? Not that I can blame you. He is perfect. And if I didn't already have Max, you might have a little competition."

Olivia laughed nervously. "Well, maybe I am in love with him a little."

"A little?"

Olivia looked at Kate with weary eyes.

"And nothing has happened between you two?" Kate inquired. She watched as a guilty look spread across Olivia's face. "Oh…something did happen? When?"

"Last night," Olivia confessed quietly.

"Oh my gosh," Kate squealed hitting Olivia's arm with the back of her hand. "I want details."

"Kate."

"Oh, come on Liv. You can't do this to me. It's torture."

Olivia closed her eyes then opened them to stare straight ahead.

"Was it good?" Kate asked eagerly.

"It was….incredible," Olivia whispered.

"How is he? He is so hot! And he has a great a…"

"Kate!"

"Sorry. Well?"

"He was perfect. He was sweet and amazing and romantic. And the way he looked at me and kissed me and whispered to me. The way he stared into my eyes every second while we were making love. And it was smooth and soft and gentle and rough and hard and he was everything I have ever wanted from a lover." Olivia sighed and combed her fingers through her hair and she stared at the pattern on Kate's pajama pants.

"If he is so amazing, then what is the problem?"

"The problem is I can't have him Kate. We are not supposed to be like this, he and I. We could both lose our jobs if anyone ever found out about what happened last night."

"I have seen you two. Last night at dinner. He couldn't keep his eyes off you in that dress. You were stunning, by the way. Infact I caught Max staring at you once or twice and had to set him straight." Kate smiled at Olivia. "I'm just saying, obviously there are feelings here. And they go both ways." There was a pause for a moment before Kate spoke again. "I still cannot believe you had sex with him last night and I am just now finding out about it! What, did you make like no noise?"

"Oh, I made noise. Of course I wasn't thinking about it until afterward, but I was afraid your parents would have heard us. Their bedroom is right below mine."

"Yeah well, you had the benefit of that storm last night. And my dad is almost deaf anyway, so my mother would be the only one you would have had to worry about."

"Do you think she knows?" Olivia asked.

"No. If she had heard anything, she would have said something to me about it by now." Kate shifted her eyes to meet Olivia's and smiled again. "So, I want details."

"I already told you."

"You hardly told me anything."

"I told you enough."

"Oh, come on. I tell you everything."

Olivia laughed. "You're right. You do."

"So?"

"So, what do you want to know?"

"First of all….what all did you guys do?"

"Just sex. But trust me, that was enough."

"Is he big?"

"Kate," Olivia laughed.

"Well?"

Olivia closed her eyes as she felt a the heat of embarrassment on her face.

"He's….he's good," she said softly.

"I knew he would be," Kate admitted.

"You are seriously deranged if you sit around thinking these thoughts about men you have just met."

"Just met, yes. But the way you talk about him on the phone all of the time it feels like I have known him for years."

Olivia smiled and Kate laughed.

"Okay, so he is umm….equipped. What is he like? Is he fast and all over the place? I hate that."

"No. He stared into my eyes almost the entire time. He is an amazing kisser. And he had his strong hands all over my body. But he was slow and smooth about it. Not over excited and grabby. His mouth only left mine for a few seconds at a time before it would return with his incredible kisses. The feel of his hands against my skin made me tremble. I had dreamed of how it would feel, his hands on me. And then all of a sudden it was real. There came a point where after kissing and touching and crossing the line we looked at each other and just knew what was going to happen. He unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down, then pushed them into the floor. He kissed across my abdomen and made his way up to my tee shirt. He pulled it over my head and moved back up to kiss me and stare into my eyes."

"Oh," Kate almost whimpered.

"He was so sweet about the entire thing. I slid my fingers up under his shirt and over every muscle in his chest. I pulled his shirt off and tossed it away from the bed. I kissed his chest and reached to undo his belt buckle. I pushed his jeans down until they fell off the bed, while he kissed my neck and collarbone. I reached behind me and unhooked my bra and tossed it aside. He stared into my eyes as he pulled his boxers off. Then he kissed me, softly and tenderly. He stared into my eyes and asked me if I was sure. And for a moment it was like the entire world stopped spinning and we were the only two people in it. I closed my eyes and kissed him and the next thing I knew we were making love."

"I am so envious of you right now," Kate confessed.

"Of me? You are about to get married and spend the rest of your life with the man you love. I'm the one who should be envious."

"Well, yes. I love Max. And sex is good with him. But it's nothing like that. And it has been a while, so it is actually kind of hard to remember what it is like."

"You guys don't…"

"Not right now. Not until the wedding. Max got this idea in his head that we should wait. That would make the wedding night more magical."

"That is kind of sweet."

"Yeah, that's what I thought too, a month ago. Trust me, he had better be able to work some magic on our wedding night."

They both laughed.

"I'll let you in on a little secret," Kate said motioning for Olivia to move closer to her on the swing.

"Yeah," Olivia replied leaning in for the news.

"Max and I want to have a baby," Kate whispered softly.

Olivia smiled and looked at her. "You're pregnant?"

"No, not yet. But we want to start trying immediately."

"Kate that is great! This is so exciting!"

"Yeah well, keep your voice down. I don't want my mother to know. She is convinced we should be married for a few years before we decide to have kids. But I know I want them and I know I want them soon. The sooner, the better. You know, the next time you come to Seattle it is likely to be to meet your new godson or goddaughter."

Olivia smiled and laughed in excitement. "I am so happy for you Kate."

"Thank you," Kate said twisting strands of Olivia's hair into a braid. "So, now how are we going to fix your love life?"

Olivia exhaled heavily. "I don't know."

"You know what I think?"

"What do you think?"

Kate leaned down to whisper in Olivia's ear. "I think you should go for it."

Olivia smiled. "If only things were that simple."

"Honey, sometimes you have to reach out and take what you want in life. He is here Olivia. If he didn't care for you he would have never came this far from New York to meet your friend."

"My best friend and yes he would have. Elliot is also my best friend. He would do anything for me."

Kate smiled. "See."

"See what?"

"Open your eyes and see what is right in front of your face, Olivia. He has feelings for you. Guys don't do things like this for girls they are just friends with. And now that you have given him a taste of all of this…..do you honestly think he is just going to walk away? Do you honestly think that you can?"

"I don't know. But we have to. There is too much at risk. Besides, I already told him it was a mistake."

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"Because it was, Kate. If we ever did this…if we dated and it didn't work out and I lost him I would never forgive myself. He is the closest thing to family that I have. Except for you." Olivia sighed. "I can't lose him, Kate."

"Olivia, you are in love with this man. If you don't at least give this a shot, then you are losing him. You are losing man you have been in love with all of these years."

"I said I was a little bit in love with him. Not head over heels."

"Olivia, you never do anything a little bit. It is all or nothing with you. That is one of the things I love most about you. Besides, you are lying to yourself if you even believe that you are a little bit in love with this man."

"Why do you say that?"

"The way you sit here telling me about last night. They way you two made love. Olivia, you have never referred to it as making love with anyone. It was always having sex. How is this different?"

"I'm not sure, but it was. I have never had sex with someone that I cared about like this. I mean there were guys I dated, guys I thought I loved. But even that was different. Elliot and I have always been so close. Sometimes I wonder how I ever existed before him."

"That is love, honey."

Olivia looked at Kate and laughed a little as she wiped a tear from her eye. She knew that Kate was right. And Kate knew Olivia well enough to point out all of the signs. All of the obvious clues that had been right there the entire time staring Olivia in the face.

"Maybe I'm a little more in love with him than I thought."

"Maybe," Kate answered with a sly smile. "It's late. We should get to bed. My dad is going to be up at the crack of dawn and expect us all to go running with him. He wont take no for an answer."

"Hmm…now I know where you get it!"

Kate laughed and hugged Olivia. "Thank you so much for being here, Liv."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"You know, I have always been an only child. But if I ever did have a sister, I would want it to be you."

"Aww. My older sister," Olivia said with a smile.

"Watch it smart ass! I am only four months older than you!"

"Kate, I would be honored to call you my sister."

"Well, maybe not biologically. But in every other sense of the word. I love you, Olivia."

Olivia smiled and hugged Kate. "I love you too, Kate."

As they stood up from the swing they stared at their reflection in the glass of the window. Two women, Kate nearly three inches taller and ten or so pounds heavier than Olivia. One with dark hair and dark eyes and the other blonde headed with blue eyes. Different as night and day, yet somehow still the same. Olivia smiled at Kate's reflection in the glass and in moments their silence was broken with laughter.

They hugged once more then headed inside and off to bed. Kate to her fiancé asleep down the hall. And Olivia to that empty bed that held so many memories from the night before. She slipped her shoes off at the front door so she didn't make as much noise and tip toed up the stair case in the dark.

She glanced through the crack in the opened door of Elliot's room to see him sleeping across the bed by the light of the television. She smiled and sighed as she watched him for a moment. Then she turned and headed back to her room.

Olivia unbuttoned her jeans and folded them neatly placing them in the armchair. She pulled her tee shirt over her head and folded it laying it down the table beside the chair, then slipped into a satin night gown. She walked to the edge of the bed and stared at it, but couldn't bring herself to climb into it. Instead, she picked up her book from the nightstand and walked back to the armchair. She dropped the jeans into the floor beside the chair and sat down to read a few chapters until she was sure could fall asleep.