Helpless

(Chapter Fourteen: Restless)

Olivia climbed the stirs and stepped out onto the roof. She exhaled spotting her partner and made her way to his side.

"Pretty," she said softly admiring the night view of the city.

"It's nothing compared to the view back home," he replied handing her a glass of red wine. "This doesn't even compare to the view from the roof of your apartment building."

"You're right," she agreed watching as he tucked an envelope into his pocket. "I'll have to confess I am beginning to get a little homesick."

Elliot turned and smiled as he brushed a bit of hair from her dark eyes. She smiled as he kissed her forehead, then turned to make his way back inside.

"El," she called out stopping him in his place. "This is only going to be harder if we can't communicate. You are all I have. Right now our entire world revolves around each other. I wish you would talk to me. I can't help you, be here for you if you don't tell me what is going on with you."

Elliot exhaled deeply then turned and took her hand in his, forcing a smile.

"I guess I am just homesick, too."

She watched as he nodded and walked back down the steps to the tiny hotel room.

"It's been over a month. You must miss them terribly."

"Yea," he replied squeezing the envelope on his hand sat down at the small table in the corner of the room. "I appreciate the trouble Porter must have gone through to get this to me. You should thank him for me."

"I will. Or you could thank him yourself when he picks us up to take us back to New York tomorrow."

Elliot smiled.

"I'll do that," he agreed.

"Can I ask what it says?" she asked sitting beside him.

"They miss me. They each wrote a little note," he replied sliding a photograph of the five smiling children across the table for her to look at.

"I missed the twin's birthday. They turned seventeen two days ago and I couldn't even call them or send them a card."

"They understand that you couldn't be there. And you will make it up to them when all of this is over."

"I didn't even send them a card, but they got this letter to me."

"Porter helped them to get that to you. But you didn't have anyone here to help you get anything out to them."

"I'm their father, Olivia. I was there when they were born and no matter what else I had going on in my life with work or whatever….I have never missed a single birthday. Not until now. Birthdays are something you just don't miss."

"You couldn't help it. This time was out of your control. And if I know them the way I know that I do, they will forgive you."

"They always do. For missing ballet recitals and soccer games, father daughter dances and kindergarten graduations. Hell, I even missed first steps and first words. I wasn't there for any of those things. Because I had to work. There was always some big case or some bad guy who demanded more attention than my children, who got the attention I stole from my children. I have missed so much already, missed them growing up," he said staring down at the photograph once more. "It seems like just yesterday the twins were eight years old and we were shooting hoops in the driveway. Kathleen was about to enter junior high and Maureen worried only about how to fix her hair for the freshman Valentine's Dance and if the fool who asked her out was going to kiss her at the end of the night."

Olivia smiled.

"Did he?"

"He better not have," Elliot snapped defensively raising his eyes to look at her and she smiled again.

"And Eli…." I missed everything with him. "I wasn't there when he was born."

"That was unexpected and uncontrollable. You tried to get there before he arrived, I know you did. Kathy knows you did and your son will know, too."

"I remember coming home after working three days straight and being so damn tired. And the baby just cried and cried. More than once I snapped at Kathy to quiet him down. And more than once she yelled at me for not helping take care of our newborn. She was exhausted, too. All she was asking was for me to help out a little with late night diaper duty and give the baby a bottle once in a while so that she could take a ten minute un-interrupted shower. She deserved that. A few minutes to herself, for herself. To keep her sanity. But I didn't give it to her. I just crawled in bed, covered my head and went to sleep. Honestly I am surprised she put up with my ass as long as she did."

"You are a good father. Our job is more than exhausting. This will be over soon. And when it is, we can go back home and get back to our lives. You can be there with them again. And make it up to them."

"It's not just this last month I need to make up to them. Even when I was there, I wasn't ever really there. I have only been a part time father at best."

Olivia sat down at the table beside him and studied the photograph for a moment.

"There is another way," she said softly as Elliot raised his head at attention. "Go home," she said softly.

"We will, as soon as this is all over," he replied placing his hand over hers.

"No. You go home now. Those men had no idea you were ever even in that house. They are only after me, El. You can still go home and be with your family."

"And leave you? Out of the question."

"It isn't like I would really be alone. I still have the shadows in ape suits," she joked, but he didn't even crack a smile.

"No way in Hell am I leaving you. We're a team, remember? I've got your back and you've got mine. You said it yourself, we are what is keeping each other sane through this. I would never leave you here alone, unprotected with no contact. No way to reach you, to know if you are safe or even alive. Not even an option."

"Elliot, I don't have a family waiting on me back home."

"Yes, you do. The guys from at work….me, we are your family. I am your partner, Olivia and your best friend. I took an oath to protect you, not matter what."

"So you feel obligated to be here? What about your obligations to protect your children?"

"Porter has them covered. If I thought for a second that they were in danger they would be right here with me. I miss them like crazy, Olivia, but my kids are safe. Porter and I may not agree on much, but he is a man of his word. I trust him. And I know that he would go to extreme lengths to protect my family," he replied squeezing her hand in his and smiling. "All of my family."

Olivia gulped and forced a smile.

"So that's it," he said staring into her eyes. "End of discussion. I don't want to bring this up again. Deal?"

"Deal," she whispered as he leaned forward to kiss her tenderly.

"This will all be over soon," he reminded her. "And when it is, I will make it up to them."

That night, Elliot pulled a few strings to take her on a horse drawn carriage tour of the city. The curled up together under a blanket sipping hot cocoa and admiring the lights of the arch and the moonlit banks of the Mississippi river. Twenty yards behind the carriage was an unmarked car containing their body guards. And the moment their two hour time limit had expired, they were rushed into the back of the car and escorted back to the hotel.

"So much for a romantic evening," Elliot said tossing his jacket aside as they entered the room.

"I thought it was very romantic," she said with a smile. "And greatly appreciated. Thank you. I think that was exactly what I needed."

The next morning came all too fast and just like that their little getaway was over. Olivia sat biting her nails in the back seat of the black four door sedan.

Standard government car, she thought to herself as they crossed yet another state line. Who did they think they were fooling?

"I never thought I would say this, but I miss flying," she said yawning as their time on the road was beginning to take it's toll.

"It just isn't safe right now," Porter reminded her shifting his eyes to meet hers in the rear view mirror. "There are too many people. Airports are crowded and it is too easy to track you. Too easy for anyone to check a flight log and find out exactly where you are. Even using a false identity, there is no guarantee. It is just isn't worth the risk."

Olivia exhaled in annoyance as she stared out the window.

"He is right, you know?" Elliot said from beside her as he slipped his hand into hers. "He is only trying to keep you safe."

"I know," she replied forcing a smile.

Elliot cleared his throat and turned his attention to the man in the mirror.

"I'd like to thank you for everything you have done for us, Porter. Helping out with this little break and making sure we have security. Keeping us both safe and slipping in that letter from my kids. I owe you big time."

"No problem," Porter said shaking his head and staring back at Elliot. "I know it was against procedure, but I thought it might help keep you from being so homesick. You guys should try to get some sleep. It makes the trip go by faster. Well, stop in a few hours for some lunch and fuel. I know this great little look out point that would make a pretty picnic spot and give us a safe place to walk around and stretch our legs. I'd like to drive as well past dark tonight. Stop around ten or so and I'll get a couple of rooms. Just long enough to grab a couple of hours sleep and a hot shower. We have to be back on the road before dawn. And I do not want either of you leaving the room for any reason. The fewer people see the two of you, the better."

"We understand," Elliot replied placing his arm around her as she exhaled.

What seemed like only moments later Olivia opened her eyes and realized the car had stopped. She raised her head to see Porter pumping gas into the car.

"El, wake up," she replied nudging him in the ribs as he opened his eyes.

Elliot smiled and raised up to kiss her.

"Finally, we have stopped moving."

"Yea. I have had to pee for about the last 200 miles," she replied reaching to pull her hair back into a ponytail as she opened the back door of the car.

"Where are you going?" Porter asked.

"I need to use the ladies room."

"There is a rest stop a few miles down the road."

"I have to go now. I have had to go for well over an hour. Come on, I am not completely defenseless," she argued.

He exhaled and looked around the parking lot at the few vehicles around them.

"Alright," he finally agreed and she watched as he leaned down as if tying his shoe. "But you take this with you," he replied pulling a small pistol from a holster on his ankle and handing it to her.

Olivia nodded and tucked the gun into the back of her jeans as she pulled on a hooded sweatshirt.

"If you gotta go, now's the time," Porter replied looking at Elliot.

He climbed from the car and stretched.

"You got one of those for me, too?" Elliot joked.

"No, you will have to go in with me. We will meet back up at the counter. I'm talking five minutes, tops."

"Okay," she agreed. "I will pee fast."

"We can pick up some drinks and snacks for later while we're here too if you'd like. Since everyone's already out of the car."

Olivia laughed as she walked out of the ladies room to find Elliot with an arm full of junk food.

"What? He said we could get snacks."

She winced and stared at his selections.

"I cannot believe you put that stuff in your body," she said shaking her head as she pulled a zero calorie Vitamin Water from the cooler. "All that processed sugar and saturated fat is not good for you, El."

"What about a Slim Jim?" he asked picking it up from the shelf. "That and the pork rinds, those are protein, right?"

Olivia laughed.

"Right," she agreed shaking her head as she walked past him.

Back in the car she settled in against him once more and buckled her seat belt.

"So what do you feel like eating?" Porter asked as they drove through town. "I see….burgers, burgers, burgers, fried chicken. Here's a Chinese place."

He paused to look up at Olivia who shook her head disapprovingly.

"We are eating healthy," Elliot replied. "There's a sub sandwich place."

"Does that work for you?" Porter asked looking at Olivia.

"Sure. At least everything on the menu isn't fried."

"Sandwiches it is," Porter replied pulling into the parking lot.

Olivia watched as the guys both ordered foot long sandwiches, bags of chips and drinks. Elliot raised an eyebrow watching as she ordered a chef salad, with lettuce and baby spinach leaves, turkey breast and lean ham, a bunch of vegetables, no cheese and no dressing.

"Anyone ever tell you that you eat like a rabbit?" Porter asked handing her a bottle of water.

"Its good for me. And I happen to like it. Besides, with all of this traveling and living out of hotel rooms I really have not been making the best food choices. It's nice to eat something healthy once in a while."

Porter drove for a few miles then parked the car the look out area he had told them about.

"This really is pretty," Olivia said leaning over the edge of a stone wall to look at the valleys below.

She sat on the wall and began to enjoy her lunch taking in as much of the fresh air as she could before returning to the city. Elliot sat beside her and they made small talk. Over by the car Porter walked around with his cell phone stuck to his ear, touching base with his FBI buddies once more and making sure that everything would be in place for their arrival.

"You sure you don't want a bite of mine?" Elliot offered turning his sandwich toward her. "Double steak and double cheese. And I had them put some of that chipotle mayonnaise on it. It's incredible," he mumbled through a mouth full of food.

"I'll take your word for it," she replied twisting the cap off her bottle of water.

"It's nothing like the sandwiches from that vendor by the courthouse, though. I don't know what he puts in those sandwiches, but they are incredible."

"They are pretty good," she agreed. "How long do you think it will take us to get back home?"

"I don't know. If we keep driving the way Porter wants to, we could be back late tomorrow night. It will sure be nice to be home, huh?"

"It would be better if I could sleep in my own bed," she exhaled.

"Liv…."

"I know. It isn't safe. But the thought of returning to that tiny apartment room feels an awful lot like going back to a prison cell."

"I'm sorry. Maybe we can work something out."

"What do you mean?"

"What if we found a place that was a little more secluded? Out of the city, but still close by. A place that would give us the chance to spend a little time outside without having to worry so much all of the time."

"I would say you were a miracle worker. What is this magical place? Or does it only exist in fairy tales?"

"Cragen's cabin."

"Cragen's cabin? But if these men know anything about us at all don't you think they would think to look for us at Cragen's cabin?"

"Maybe when they were first looking for us. I really don't think anyone would think to look there. And if they did, we would have our own arsenal of FBI agents there to arrest them."

"True. But what are we gonna do with him?" Olivia asked shifting her attention to Agent Porter who now seemed to be having a heated discussion with whoever was on the other end of the phone line. "He won't want his guys letting us out of their sight."

"There is a barn. Big enough to conceal them. He can even put someone inside all night if he needs to."

"He can?"

"Well, we will be in the bedroom. As long as they stay in the living room, I think it will be alright. It isn't like at the apartment where they can sit in the hallway at the door."

"I guess you are right. And it is probably the only way we're going to get him to go for it. Do you think he will go for it?"

"I was thinking maybe you could ask. He says yes more often when you ask him for favors."

Olivia just stared at him.

"That really sounded dirty," she replied. "Right. But dirty."

Elliot laughed as Porter hung up the phone.

"Ten minutes, then we've got to be back on the road," he announced and he seemed in a terrible mood.

"I wonder who was on the phone," Elliot thought aloud.

"I wonder what they said to piss him off," Olivia replied.

Back on the road things were quiet for a while. Elliot nudged Olivia encouraging her to strike up conversation and bring up their plan to Porter.

"So we were thinking," she began watching his eyes in the mirror for any sign of change.

But Porter focused his attention solely on the road in front of him.

"Maybe once we get back to New York we could find a different place to stay," she continued nervously. "Something that would allow us to be a little more secluded from the city and possibly be able to spend a little time outdoors now and then."

She bit her lower lip and waited for him to shout at her the way he did the person on the phone. But it didn't happen.

Olivia looked back at Elliot for a moment then continued the speech as she'd rehearsed in her head.

"Our boss has this cabin. It is about twenty minutes outside the city, in the middle of nowhere. We were….I was thinking maybe we could stay there for a little while. There is a barn next to the house, big enough to conceal several cars if you need to. Your guys could set up a base in there. You can even put a guy in the house with us if you need to."

"Olivia, I am sorry," he replied cutting her off. "But that just isn't going to be possible right now."

He paused for a moment then raised his eyes to meet hers in the mirror.

"While I was away getting you, someone trashed your apartment. I wasn't there to oversee things and you weren't staying there any longer so I guess the guys got pulled from their watch."

"It's just an apartment. The important thing is that everyone is safe," she said softly.

"There is more. Davis Parker was found dead in a crap motel room this morning."

"So it's over?" she asked with hope in her voice. "We can go home?"

"I'm afraid not. Coroner said he's been dead for over a week. It had to be someone else in the apartment."

"That means there are more people involved?" Elliot asked.

Porter nodded.

"That means we are right back where we started with no suspect. Someone out there is looking for her and we have no freaking idea who it is! That's what that means!"

Olivia stared at the floorboard allowing time for everything to sink in.

"So what is the plan?" Elliot asked protectively pulling her closer to him.

"I have to get you back to the city. We have a hotel room waiting for you. I have a team to sit with you until I can get another plan worked out, but for now you will just have to lay low. We still find no evidence what so ever that these men even know that you are involved Detective Stabler."

"Elliot."

"I'm sorry."

"People who risk their lives to save mine, get to call me by my first name. We are on the same team now."

"Even so, is there somewhere else your ex-wife can take the kids for a few weeks? Just to be on the safe side."

"She has family in Florida."

"I will put in a call and send someone over to help her get things loaded up. I am sending an agent with your family and they will meet up with a team there. I will make sure they are protected."

"I appreciate that," Elliot replied.

"We can be there by tomorrow afternoon if we drive straight through," Porter suggested. "Or we can stop for a few hours sleep if you would rather."

"But you have not slept," Olivia reminded him.

"I'll grab some coffee the next time we stop for gas. Really, I am good."

"If you are sure you can handle it, then I saw we just head on home."

"Home it is," Porter replied.

Olivia leaned back in the seat and tried not to worry. There was nothing she could do to change the situation they were in, so she'd might as well try to relax a little. She turned her attention to Elliot's hand as he placed it over hers dropping something into it. She opened her palm to see a handful of 'Mike & Ike' candies and she couldn't help but smile.

"Processed sugar," he said softly as she leaned forward to kiss him. "I got them for you. I know they are one of your favorites and candy always makes me feel better when I am stressing out."

"You are so amazing," she whispered with tears rising in her eyes.

Olivia hugged him tight as she studied the colorful candies in her palm.

"The green ones are my favorite," he said as she realized nearly the entire box was red, yellow and orange.

"I like the red ones," she said placing one into her mouth.

"That's why I saved them all for you."

Olivia smiled and buried her head into her chest. All of a sudden things seemed a whole lot more serious and a whole lot more scary.

"I arranged for a brief meeting with your kids before they go," Porter said looking at Elliot over his shoulder. "I know it could be a while before you get to see them again. We will meet up with them tomorrow before they head out."

"Are you sure that is safe?" Elliot asked.

"I will make sure it is," Porter replied. "We have picked a remote location, a hundred miles out in the middle of nowhere. Only two of us know the coordinates and it isn't on any map. You will only have a few minutes."

"I really appreciate everything you have done for us."

"We are going to get the people responsible for this. The man responsible has now killed across state lines. That leaves him wide open for us now. Before we had to tip toe around red tape because it technically wasn't our case. This is seven people he is responsible for murdering. He is a serial killer. The FBI doesn't take well to serial killers. And as soon as we have a description, his face will be plastered all over every television in every state. It is only a matter of time before he runs out of places to hide. I have people combing through Olivia's apartment searching for any clues he may have left behind."

"He is still killing. Doesn't quite seem like he is hiding to me," Olivia replied softly.

"Olivia, I promise you, we will get this guy. And I am not leaving your side until we do. I am going to do everything I can to make sure you are unharmed."

"I know," she whispered.

"For now, you guys should probably try to get some rest. It is going to be a long night."

Olivia opened her eyes in the darkness. Several hours had passed and Elliot was still asleep. She sat up and looked out the window into the night, staring up at the full moon.

"You alright?" Porter asked. There is a rest stop about ten miles ahead if you need me to pull over."

"No, I'm okay. Just a bad dream, I guess."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. To fill your head with all those horrible images before you fell asleep."

"Those images were already in there. I was there, Dean. I saw the slaughtered bodies of my friends and watched as they murdered my best friend's father in front of my eyes. He was staring at us."

"What?"

"Kate's father. We were hiding under the bed. He was staring at us, reaching out for us. Trying to ask for help, but he couldn't speak. I literally watched the life leave his body. I can't ever get that out of my head. I see it every time I close my eyes."

"Elliot is still asleep. Do you wanna move up here and we can talk for a while?"

"Talk about what?"

"Anything. Sometimes the best way to recover from a nightmare is to do something to take your mind off of it for a little while. Not much to do in this car but talk."

"True," Olivia agreed.

She kissed Elliot's cheek and covered him with the jacket he had given her earlier in the night. Then she climbed between the seats and settled into the passenger's seat.

"And talking to you will help keep me awake."

"You must be exhausted."

"Na, I'm good. There have been times when I have had to go days without sleep. A few hours wont hurt."

"Thank you," she said staring at him by the glow of the dashboard light. "I don't think I ever officially thanked you."

"About half a dozen times," Porter replied reaching to turn on the radio.

"Well, I should have said it at least a dozen more."

"See if you can find us a good station," he suggested as she took over the station search finally ending on something playing an endless variety of eighties music.

"Seriously?" he asked.

"You don't like eighties music?"

"I didn't say that. I guess I just figured you for more of a classical kind of girl."

Olivia laughed.

"I like a little bit of everything. Can't say that I listen to much classical, though. Tell me something about yourself," she said.

"What would you like to know?"

"I don't know. Tell me something I don't know already know about you. Where did you go to college?"

Over the next few hours they made small talk until Olivia was ready to fall asleep once more.

"Dean?" she asked with a yawn. "Can I ask a favor?"

"Anything."

She turned her head to look at Elliot still sleeping in the back of the car.

"It's a really big one."

"I'll do what I can," he said with a smile.

Olivia looked at him nervously, then leaned forward to whisper into his ear.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," she said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Okay," he agreed. "Lets get back to New York and figure a few things out."

Olivia nodded as she leaned the seat back and closed her eyes.

It was mid afternoon the following day when they finally made it back to the city. Porter escorted them up to their hotel room for showers and a short nap before, they all climbed back into the car to go meet up with the kids.

It brought tears to Olivia's eyes to watch the kids hugging on their father. They were among the innocent victims, she thought to herself moments later as Elliot kissed them all and waved as they drove away.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you more time," Porter said as they got back into the car.

"Any longer would put them in more danger," Elliot replied. "I understand. That ten minutes with them means the world to me."

That night, after making love, Olivia curled in against Elliot and laid her head against his chest.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said.

"I'm thinking about how much I love you."

Elliot smiled.

"I love you, too. I've been thinking about that myself a lot lately."

"Yea?" she asked staring into his eyes.

"Yea."

She smiled.

"I've been thinking maybe after this is all over with….maybe we could get a place together."

"Move in together?"

"Well, your apartment has been ransacked. I don't know if you will ever feel safe there again. And my place is so damn tiny and I have spent way too many days locked in there to be able to relax there anymore. I was thinking maybe we could pick out a bigger place, together."

"What makes you so sure you want to live with me?"

"Olivia, I have lived with you every second of every day since this mess began. I'm used to you, I guess," he joked. "Seriously, though. I am crazy about you. And if you love me half as much as I love you, then I think we have one hell of a shot at making this work. I love being around you, sleeping with you."

"Well, I love it too, El."

"That part is pretty great, too. But I meant sleeping. I love holding you and watching you sleep and I love waking up with you in my arms. That, for me, is the best feeling in the world. Call me selfish, but I'd like to have that feeling every day."

Olivia smiled.

"Okay," she agreed. "When this is all over….if you can still stand to be around me….we can start looking for apartments together."

Elliot smiled.

"On one condition."

"What is that?"

"I get my own bathroom. You boys are so messy, with your shaving whiskers all in the sink and leaving the seat up and the cap off the tooth paste all of the time. I'm a girl, I really need a little bit of space for myself."

"Alright, it's a deal," he agreed as he kissed her tenderly. "We will get a bigger apartment with two bathrooms."

"I love you," she whispered as her heavy eyes fell shut.

"I love you, too," he replied kissing her tenderly and tucking the blankets around her and in seconds they were both sound asleep.

When Elliot woke the next morning, her place in the bed was empty.

"You got up early," he said rubbing his eyes as he stumbled to the bathroom. "Do you wanna order some breakfast?"

He stepped back into the living area of their room, but no one was there.

"Liv?" he asked looking back at the bed for her, but the room was empty.

Olivia was gone.