Note: Just to be safe…this chapter is rated M )
Over the next week, Miranda endured the horrid side effects of her treatment for what she hoped was the last time with Andrea faithfully at her side. Miranda was growing increasingly worried about the dry and flaky condition of her skin, which none of her moisturizers seemed to be able to cure. Andrea messaged Emily, who was able to obtain two jars of Creme De La Mer and a case of Chantecaille's Nano Gold Energizing Cream, both opulent, expensive creams that Miranda hadn't ever even used before.
As Andrea massaged the luxurious moisturizers down her arms and legs, Miranda held her breath. As much as she loved the way Andrea's hands felt trailing across her limbs, she longed for a day when she would no longer need these added measures.
"How are you feeling today?" Andrea asked.
"Okay. Better, a little achy, but that's about it."
"That's good," she said, rubbing her own hands together, reaping the benefits of the luxurious moisturizers. "Would you like to do anything today? I was thinking we could take a drive through the park. Some of the leaves are starting to change, and it's nearly sixty degrees today."
"That would be nice," Miranda said. "But first, I think I need to call Caroline and Cassidy." Miranda leaned over and softly kissed Andrea on the cheek before climbing out of bed and selecting some jeans and a loose turtleneck sweater. Andrea also got up and dressed, heading downstairs to make some tea and toast.
After dressing, Miranda washed her face and applied a lightly tinted moisturizer and some lip gloss before tying a deep plum scarf around her head. She knew Andrea was downstairs, but something told her she needed to call her daughters alone. The uncertainty of their response was eating at Miranda, and she needed to think clearly. Walking to the study, Miranda shut the door and sat at her desk, dialing James and Tess' home number.
"Hello?"
"Hi Tess," Miranda said, "how are you?"
"Oh, hey Miranda. We're doing great. How have you been?"
"It's been up and down, but you know, I had my last chemo a week or so ago, and I'm really starting to feel better," she said.
"That's great," Tess said, genuinely glad Miranda was doing better. "Would you like to speak to Car or Cass?"
Miranda cringed at the woman's shortening of her daughters' names, but bit her tongue, knowing she was there for the girls, providing them with a home. "Yes, are they available?"
"Sure, one sec," she said. Miranda heard her cover the mouthpiece on the receiver as she called for Caroline.
"Mom?" Caroline asked.
"Hi my darling, how have you been?"
"I'm feeling much better, Bobbsey. I'm all done with chemo, and just have some infusions to do over the next few months."
"Did your hair come back?"
"No, not yet," she said, "but it will soon. How has school been going this year?"
"It's good. We have really nice teachers, and we both just made the dance team."
"That's wonderful, I'm so proud of you. I miss you and your sister so much."
"We miss you, too, Mom," Caroline said. "Dad said Andy was staying with you to help out."
"Yes, she's been taking really good care of me while I was sick. It's been nice having her around."
"Yeah, she's cool."
"Darling, I'd really like to see you and your sister soon, and maybe talk about when you'll come home," Miranda said.
"Oh," Caroline said, "yeah, maybe we can come over next weekend to say hi!" she added enthusiastically.
"I would really enjoy that," Miranda said. "Is your sister there?"
"Sure, let me get her," Caroline said.
"Wait—Caroline, I love you, sweetie."
"I know. I love you, too, Mom," she said, "Here's Cass."
"Hi Mom," Cassidy said, "How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay, feeling a lot better now that chemo is over," she said. "Your sister said you made the dance team?"
"Yeah! There were so many girls trying out. We have our own warm-up jackets now."
"Wow," Miranda said, rolling her eyes as she thought of the nylon-blend clothing, "I'm so proud of you," she said.
"Thanks, Mom."
"Bobbsey, would you and your sister like to come visit soon? I miss you a lot—it's quiet around here. And maybe we can talk about when you two can come home."
"Yeah, I miss you too. We'll talk to Mo—I mean Tess—and Dad and see when we can come."
Miranda's heart broke as her daughter corrected herself after referring to her stepmother as "Mom." Taking a deep breath, she kept her voice calm, "That would be wonderful. I would really like you girls to come home anytime. You're always welcome here."
"Thanks Mom. It's actually been good here with Dad. Tess is really nice, and she takes care of us really well. Don't worry," she added, "she doesn't let us eat sugary stuff, but she's just so much nicer than any of Dad's other girlfriends were."
"That's good," Miranda said, "I'm glad she's been there for you."
"We've been really happy here. Natasha and Julie live down the street from Dad, too. Did you know that? We can walk to their house—it's so cool!"
"Oh wow, I didn't realize that. That is nice," Miranda said. "Okay, Cassidy, is your dad there?"
"Sure, want me to go get him?"
"Yes, please. I'll talk to him about when you girls can visit and come home. And darling, I love you very much, please remember that."
"I know, Mom. Love you, too. Here's Dad," she said.
"Miranda? Tess said chemo was over, how have you been?"
"Hi James. I'm doing good. I really miss the girls. I want them to come home," she said, cutting to the quick.
"Wow, well, Miranda. You know they just started the schoolyear last month. It was hard enough last year when they had to move mid-quarter."
"James, I have custody of our children, if you remember."
"Yes, but Miranda, you said yourself you didn't want them to see you like this. Are you even going back to work yet?"
"No. No, I'm not. But that's it—for once in my life, I'm home all day. I can be there for them when they wake up and there when they get out of school."
"But how long will it last?" James asked. "A few months? Then you'll be at Runway for eighteen or twenty-hour days, making up for what you missed."
"That's not true," Miranda said. "James, I want to see them."
"Okay, okay," he said. "How about Tess and I talk with them tonight at dinner. We'll plan to come by sometime this week, and we can see what the girls think about coming to visit you on the weekends."
"Weekend visits?!" Miranda practically shouted, "James, that is absurd!"
"Miranda, you need to take care of yourself," James said. "This is not about me trying to keep them from you. I care about them, just like you do, and I've seen how distanced they were when they first came here. They want you to get better just like any of us. And you know, if you push yourself too much, you'll just take steps backward."
Miranda sighed. "I suppose you're right."
"It's not about being right," James added. "It's about what's best for you—and what's best for the girls."
"Okay, okay," she said. "Any day this week is fine. I don't really know the girls' schedule, so…"
"They are off on Wednesday for a teacher's institute," he said. "I'm sure Tess would be willing to drop them off."
"Thank you," Miranda said.
"You're welcome. Miranda," he added, "I'm glad that you're doing better. I wish I could have been more supportive throughout everything."
"Don't be silly," she said, "you are taking care of my babies, and I am forever grateful for that."
"Thanks for calling today," he said. "I'll call you later this week to confirm plans for Wednesday."
"Thank you, James. Talk to you soon," she said, hanging up the phone before laying her head down on the desk.
The girls seemed to be happy, she thought. Happy without her. She wondered if they were better off with Tess than with her. Tess probably showered them with hugs and kisses, thinking they didn't get that from her. Tess was probably the perfect housewife, packing lunches, pressing uniforms, having dinner ready every night. Miranda knew she couldn't compete with that and keep her career, but if the girls were happy…
Miranda was startled from her thoughts by a soft knocking at the door. "Miranda? Can I come in?" Andrea called softly from the other side of the door.
"Yes," Miranda said, lifting her head from the desk.
Andrea came in with a cup of tea and a plate of toast and almond butter. "Here's your breakfast," she said, walking over to the desk and sitting in one of the chairs across from Miranda.
Miranda nodded and took the mug from her hand. "I just spoke with the girls." She paused, expecting Andrea to ask a question. When she did not, Miranda continued, "They're happy. James wants them to stay there a while longer."
While Andrea actually agreed with James, she knew Miranda needed reassurance. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I know how much you wanted them home."
"I think they're going to come by on Wednesday for a visit," she said.
"That will be nice," Andrea added. "I can run to the store or something while they're here."
"No," Miranda said, setting her cup down and looking the young woman in the eye. "No, you don't have to leave," she said, "I want you here."
"Okay," Andrea said, not really wanting to get into an argument.
Andrea sat with her hands in her lap as Miranda ate the toast and finished her tea. "I don't really feel like leaving the house today," Miranda said.
"Okay," Andrea said. "Can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm good. Thank you. Let's just go sit on the couch or something."
Andrea smiled as Miranda stood and took her hand, leading her towards the large sofa in front of the window. Andrea sat, positioning herself in the corner of the couch so Miranda could curl up against her. It was easily their favorite position on the couch, and one Miranda often fell asleep in, her arms wrapped around Andrea's waist.
"So," Andrea said, "what are you thinking about?"
"Of course you would ask," Miranda said, chuckling. "Have you ever read Stranger in a Strange Land, Andrea?"
"No, but I've heard of it."
"It's an interesting book, as science fiction written many years ago always is. But one thing I will never forget is how Heinlein defined love: 'Love is when the happiness of another is essential to your own.'"
"Wow," Andrea said, "That's—I like it."
"I always liked it, but I always thought of myself as the beloved—that someone else cared that much about my happiness. Now, it's quite different, as I'm putting my daughters' happiness above all else. Despite my selfish desire for them to come home, I want them to be happy, and I know they are very happy with James. Without me."
"Miranda, you can't think like that. They are just kids, and you know they aren't thinking of things in those terms. They will always love you," Andrea said.
"I suppose you are right, but I'm just so emotional right now," she said. "I want them here, I want to be the one making them happy, I want to be holding them and kissing them and having dinner with them."
"Can I ask you a question?" Andrea said.
"Of course."
"Are you happy?"
"Ha!" Miranda said, "Mostly, not. But I guess it comes and goes. You?"
"Yeah, the same. But I don't ever remember being truly one or the other—I mean, except when I was a kid and didn't think in abstract terms," Andrea said.
"I was happy once," Miranda said, "when I was first named Editor in Chief. James and I had just been married, and my career skyrocketed. It was bliss, Andrea," she said, recalling that time of her life with a smile. "I had everything I wanted." She paused. "Then, I got pregnant, quite unexpectedly, and after about three months of hiding it, there was a photo of me pulling over to vomit as I was driving to work that found its way onto Page Six, alongside a photo showing a questionable bulge. I can still picture the headline when I close my eyes: 'Evil Spawn Too Much for Devil Herself.' I know it's ridiculous, but in that moment, I suddenly regretted my decision not to terminate the pregnancy. Even after they were born, I had a really hard time. It was a strain on our marriage, mostly because James and the nanny were raising the kids. I suffered from postpartum depression quite badly, though I was too ashamed and scared of the press to seek treatment. I couldn't even touch my own children without feeling that I was tainting them somehow."
"Oh my god, Miranda, I had no idea," Andrea said, wrapping her arms tightly around the other woman.
"No one did, really, except Nigel. I finally started seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants, and eventually it worked. It was as if something clicked, because one day I couldn't touch them, and the next day I felt love for them, hugging and kissing them. Even now," Miranda added, "I feel that they deserve better. They deserve a real family; I can't be the mother they need. They deserve to be happy. No child should ever have to be unhappy. I've never been able to give them that, and I fear I never will."
"Oh Miranda, I know they know how much you love them. They were happy with you, you have to know that," Andrea said, kissing the top of Miranda's head softly as she rubbed her hands up and down Miranda's arms.
"I love them so much, Andrea, it hurts. It makes me jealous or something when I hear them say how happy they are with Tess," Miranda said, tears pooling in her eyes.
"I think that's pretty normal, Miranda. Your girls are smart—they know how you feel and they would never hurt you."
"I guess you're right," she said. "Let's change the subject." After a few minutes of silence, Andrea spoke.
"Do you love me like you love them?" Andrea asked. "Wait—I can't ask you that. I'm sorry," she said quickly, releasing Miranda from her arms.
The older woman quickly turned around to face Andrea. "Why would you ask me that?"
Andrea hid her face in her hands, ashamed she let her insecurity show. "I'm sorry. I just sometimes wonder what we actually mean when we say we love each other. What kind of love we have."
Miranda smiled. Apparently the young assistant had been having similar thoughts. Taking a deep breath, Miranda decided she needed to try and straighten things out. "Darling, I am not the person to be defining love," she said, "but I know that what I feel for you goes far beyond caregiving. You, I don't know, set my soul at ease or something. It's that feeling when you walk into a room, nothing else matters to me. And I know I've been selfish lately, but that will change, I promise you."
"You love me like that?" Andrea said, shocked.
Miranda paused for a moment. "Yes. Yes I do," she said, cupping Andrea's cheek with her hand.
"But—but—" Andrea stammered.
"It was not until the day I pushed you away that I truly realized my feelings for you. I never told you, but that day at chemo, I talked with a therapist. I'm fairly certain that Dr Weber sent her in to figure out where you were, because he noticed such a change in me. It was eye-opening for me, Andrea. In that one thirty-minute conversation, it was as if I learned how to think about something through another's eyes. How to stop being selfish for just one minute. I've always thought about you, but it was the general care and concern sort of thoughts. I'm sorry but I never once attempted to imagine what you were thinking, what you were going through. I promise you that's changed."
"Oh Miranda," she said, "you didn't have to change anything. I loved you just the way you were." Andrea reached up and wrapped her arms around her, kissing her softly on the cheek. Their eyes met, and Miranda could see the desire in Andrea's rich brown eyes, but suddenly, Andrea pulled away.
"Andrea," Miranda said, her eyes staring down at her hands, folded in her lap, "I know I don't look beautiful right now, and that I don't always wear makeup, and that my skin is dry and stiff, but please, give me a chance," she said as tears pooled in her eyes. "Once my hair grows back, and—"
Andrea's eyes were wide, and it took her several seconds to find her voice, cutting Miranda short. "No, no, no, no," she said, cupping Miranda's cheek and tilting her head upwards. "Why would you ever think that? Miranda, I think you might even be more beautiful like this, bare and stripped down."
"But—you always pull away from me," Miranda said.
"Because I never want to push you too far," Andrea said. "Your body has been through hell, and I know you've been tired, achy, and in pain. The last thing you must want is for me to—"
"Oh goddd," Miranda moaned. "I won't break. Your hands have been the only thing that made me feel good these past months. You set my body on fire, I just thought you didn't like the way I looked," she admitted.
"I'm so sorry you thought that. You're so beautiful," she said, looking deeply into her eyes. Miranda crawled onto Andrea's lap, straddling her legs, passionately kissing the younger woman as she pushed her back into the couch. Miranda moaned quietly as Andrea's tongue circled her own, Miranda's moan quickening her pulse as a shiver ran through her body.
Andrea pulled back, leaning in and kissing Miranda several times on the cheek. "Would you be okay if we took this to the bedroom?" she asked.
A grin spread across Miranda's face as she jumped off Andrea's lap and took her hand, leading her to the bed. Miranda pranced on her tip-toes, her desire for the young woman outweighing any doubts.
Miranda stopped, standing next to the bed, and reached for the hem of Andrea's shirt, slowly sliding it upward as her hands brushed against the young woman's soft abdomen. Andrea pulled the shirt over her head while Miranda reached down to undo her pants, pushing them to the ground. There was her dark-haired assistant, standing before her in black lace lingerie, her nipples taut against the thin fabric of her bra. Andrea reached over and unbuckled Miranda's thin belt and unzipped her jeans, tugging them to the floor as she trailed kisses down Miranda's legs. Her hot breath against Miranda's oversensitive skin made her knees weak.
Andrea stood up, taking Miranda's sweater with her, softly lifting it over her head. Miranda was wearing practical lingerie, all silk, of course. Andrea wrapped her arms around the woman, slowly lifting her onto the center of the bed.
"My god, you're beautiful," Andrea whispered as she pulled the plum scarf off her head, softly kissing her temple. Andrea continued, traveling further down Miranda's body with her lips, nibbling and sucking on her pulse points while applying feather-light kisses to her scars from surgery. The lower Andrea got, the more intense her desire, and also Miranda's, she imagined, if the woman's writhing on the bed meant anything.
"Can I take these off?" Andrea asked, gently looping her finger under the waistband of Miranda's panties.
"Yes," she said breathlessly.
Andrea slid the nude silk boyshorts down and flung them to the floor. She felt Miranda's body tense at the sudden loss of coverage, so Andrea gently pulled back the sheets, "Let's get under the covers," she said, "It's chilly in here." She may have lied about the temperature, but it was clear that Miranda was much more comfortable with the added privacy of the bed covers, seeing that she removed her bra and tossed it to the floor the minute she slipped between them.
Andrea curled up alongside Miranda's body in the same position she has been sleeping for the past few months. Softly kissing her cheek and resting her head on the woman's shoulder, Andrea let her hand travel across Miranda's bare skin, starting with the top of her head. She nuzzled her neck as her hand moved from the woman's shoulder, down the space between her breasts, back up around each breast, as she slowly bent down to take her right nipple in her mouth, sucking ever so gently.
Not once in her life had someone made love to her. Never did any of her husbands spend time worshipping every inch of her body in the way Andrea was. Never had she been so aroused from such innocent foreplay.
Andrea leaned over to devote some attention to her other nipple while she let her hand travel further, across her abdomen, around each of her hips, and down her thighs. Miranda groaned in frustration, thrusting her hips forward, begging for the woman's touch. Andrea ducked under the covers and began kissing Miranda's torso, trailing lower and lower until she finally pressed her lips to Miranda's folds. Her own body was on fire as she settled in between Miranda's legs, licking and sucking, listening to the sweet, quiet moans coming from the woman.
Andrea pressed her thumb against her clitoris as she continued her ministrations, feeling Miranda's hot juices against her mouth as the woman's muscles clenched tightly in rapid succession. Andrea quickly kissed her way up Miranda's body, keeping her hand between her legs as she laid next to her, softly kissing her neck. "So beautiful," Andrea whispered, "I love you so much, Miranda."
Miranda reached her arms around the young woman, kissing her while pulling her close. "I love you, too, darling," Miranda said, her hand reaching down, cupping Andrea's sex through her lacy thong.
"Oh fuck, Miranda," she panted.
Miranda slipped her hand inside the wet panties, her cold fingers making the woman's core seem like it was on fire. She traced her finger in a circle around the woman's folds before plunging two fingers inside and pulling them out, repeating the motions until Andrea was panting and moaning so loudly she couldn't take it. The young woman reached down and directed Miranda's hand to rub her clitoris furiously for a bit before going back to inserting her fingers. In no time, Andrea was wailing as her walls clamped down on Miranda's fingers.
They lay there, sprawled out under the sheets for several minutes. "Thank you," Miranda said, resting her head on the brunette's shoulder. "That was amazing. I didn't—I mean—I couldn't—" she sighed in frustration, unable to find the words. "I love you," she said, finally.
"Miranda, you don't have to thank me for loving you," she said, softly dancing her fingertips across Miranda's abdomen.
"I definitely found my new favorite thing to do on Sunday afternoons," Miranda said.
"Just Sundays?" Andrea asked, pouting.
"No, of course not," Miranda said, smiling. "This just beats a drive in the park."
"Yes, yes it does," Andrea said as she pulled the duvet tighter around them and the fell asleep, their hearts intertwined.
TBC