Hi. I'm alive :)
I'm so very sorry for this very very late update. College has been busy. m(_ _)m
And I miscalculated. This will not be the last chapter. There'll be one more chapter to go. If I make this the last, it'll be a monster chapter with more than 11k words. So very sorry for this, guys m(_ _)m
A lot of drama and angst (again). And flashbacks. I think I'm degrading in my writing T_T
I do not own Hetalia
The word slipped past his mouth before he was able to stop it.
"Mom?"
And oh, how Romano wishes he can take it back, because he doesn't want to indulge the woman in the pleasantries of him calling her mother ever again.
"Romano…"
Her voice shakes a bit as she calls his name, but he will never guess the voice wrong. It is indeed their mother. The former Katerina Vargas, it is indeed her, standing here, inside Feliciano's workplace and calling his name. Romano grits his teeth.
"Why are you here?" He doesn't even bother to hide the venom. Instead, he fully intends for it to be heard. Katerina flinches a bit. She looks back at forth from Romano to Feliciano, but the older fixes a cold glare on her direction and the younger seems to be unable to move, just looking at his brother with uneasiness in his eyes before switching his gaze to their mother. She bites her lower lip.
"I want to see you, both of you." She replies, voice shaking and holds the barely hidden anxiety. "I want to say I-"
"Don't you dare…" Romano cuts him coldly, his fists are clenched. He seems ready to burst into a full scale fury, but strangely enough his voice is calm and leveled. "Don't you dare say it."
Their mother looks taken aback, and she lowers her head slightly, digging her teeth into her lower lip, in a way that resembles her sons very much. She wants to approach her older son, wants to hold him and says that she's so very sorry, but the way Romano body tenses and the coldness emanating from him prevent her to do so. She turns to look at her younger son, gentler and more forgiving than his brother, and she knows that she doesn't have the right to try to apologize through him, but she desperately wants to apologize, to let them know that she's sorry and she loves them, but Feliciano refuses to meet her gaze, lowering his head and shifting his eyes somewhere else instead. Katerina feels like the world is tumbling down on her.
"What are you doing here then?" Romano's harsh voice snaps her back to reality, and she turns to look at him, eyes wide with anxiety. "I'm not letting you to say it. So what are you staying here for?"
"Romano, please, I'm begging you…"
"I don't want to hear that bullshit!" Romano snaps, his eyes burning with rage. "If you won't leave, then I will!" With that he storms out of the building.
"Fratello!" Feliciano calls out, moving to go after him but Antonio catches his arm.
"I'll bring him back. You stay here where it's warm, Feli." Without waiting for an answer, the Spaniard disappears through the door as well into the downpour outside. Unconsciously, Feliciano bites his lower lip as he stares at the darkness outside for a moment longer before he whirls his wheelchair around to face his mother.
"Ve… W-well…" He fidgets with his thumbs. Unlike his brother, Feliciano can't express his anger very well. In fact, he's still confused with his own feelings. His brother has stated since long ago that he hates their mother and he's not going to forgive her, even if she's down on her knees. As for Feliciano, he couldn't determine his own feelings, and he still can't.
Does he hate his mother? Or does he not?
Does he still love her?
Feliciano still doesn't know the answer to those questions plaguing his mind. So he forces his voice to be as neutral as possible when he says, "Sorry, mom. But can you leave for now? Maybe we can talk some other day?"
Katerina raises her eyes to meet with her son's, but Feliciano has shifted his gaze elsewhere again. She deflates inwardly, grief engulfs her at the voice that lacks the usual friendly tone she still remembers even now. "Alright." She wipes the corner of her eyes with her fingers and attempts a smile, strained though it is. But she doesn't move for a couple of more seconds, waiting. For what, she doesn't know herself.
But Feliciano doesn't move either, keeping his gaze away from hers and his arms are settled on his sides, unmoving. Katerina bites her lower lip. "Can I…" She croaks out, unsure and anxious. Guilt still rips her insides, but she can't back down, not now, not ever she hopes. "Can I come back to see you tomorrow?"
"I guess so…" Feliciano lets his voice trails off, reluctant to give anything that resembles a yes or no. He still doesn't know what to feel. At the sight of his mother, he is forced to remember that day again, and chill racks through his body on the memory. But on the back of his mind, the memory of her smiles and her warmth vaguely tugging. Until he can decide what he's actually feeling, he won't give away hostility or hope.
"Thank you." Katerina says it genuinely, yearning to pull her son into her arms and running her hand through his hair like she did all those years ago, but she knows she doesn't have the right to for now. She gives a polite and apologetic nod to Boss, before she leaves the diner to the car parked outside.
Marcello doesn't move after her instantly. Instead, he approaches Feliciano nervously, guilt flashes in his eyes. "Feli, I'm sorry. I… She was asking for both of you, and she had been searching. I know you and Roma don't want to see her, but…"
"It's okay, Marcello." Feliciano lifts his head to give him a small smile and reaches to his hand, patting it lightly. "I understand. I'm sure fratello does too."
"Still, I'm sorry…"
Feliciano shakes his head and gives him an encouraging nod, before he too leaves with an unsure look on his face.
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Antonio finds him in the park nearby, the one where they often stop for a while to have some moment for themselves before going to pick Feliciano up. The Italian is sitting on the bench, his knees pulled up into his chest and his head buried in his arms.
Soaked from head to toes, Antonio sits next to him on the bench but Romano doesn't make even the slightest of movement. Antonio notices him shivering lightly.
"Roma,"
"I don't wanna go anywhere."
Despite the condition, Antonio can't help but smile a little. "I haven't said anything yet."
"You are going to tell me to go back to that place and face her anyway, so I answer before you jackass can say that."
Antonio frowns. "You know I'm not going to say that."
"Whatever." Romano buries his head deeper into his arms, shifting slightly.
"I won't ask you to go back there yet, but maybe we can move somewhere warm?" Antonio suggests, starting to worry at the trembling that seems to be more intense on the smaller man's figure.
Romano shakes his head. "I told you I don't want to go anywhere, bastard."
Antonio sighs. "This is not the time to be unreasonable, Roma."
"Who are you to decide that anyway?" Romano mumbles, his fists clenching harder on his arm through his wet hoodie. "Just leave me alone."
"You're going to catch a cold like this."
"I don't care."
"Romano." Antonio's voice is stern. He's worried of the smaller man, and Romano is just making it difficult.
"Dammit, just leave me alone, Antonio!" Romano's head snaps up, glaring at the Spaniard beside him. Antonio didn't expect to see the desperate look on his face instead of anger, and he finds himself taken aback for a moment.
Romano huffs shakily and goes back to burying his head in his arms. "If you won't let me staying here, just leave me alone." He mumbles. Antonio is silent for a moment, the slight anger he felt just now slowly dissipates. He scoots closer to the smaller and wraps an arm around his figure. "Do you want to talk about it?"
A furious shake is what he gets as a reply. "Okay." Antonio knows better than to press further, and he doesn't intend to force the information out of the younger anyway. He understands that sometimes there are things that people want to keep for themselves. He squeezes the other's arm gently. "You know I'm here if you want to."
"I don't think I will ever want to talk about it," Romano mumbles into his arms. "I don't think I want to remember either. But that bitch just had to show up and brought up many unwanted things."
"It's okay if you don't want to, now or maybe later, or maybe ever." Antonio smiles to him assuringly. "I won't force you. Just… If you need anything, I'm here."
"I know…" It's almost inaudible in the rain, but Antonio catches it, and his smile widens a bit, warmth nestles in his stomach. On the next moment, the smaller man inches closer to him and leans slightly against him, doesn't budge from his previous curling up state but leans to him nonetheless.
Antonio thinks that how strange they must seem, two men drenched in rain and shivering slightly from the cold, sitting on the bench with only each other as company. But he can't care less, because this is what Romano needs, and he doesn't mind giving it at all.
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Even after his mother has left, Feliciano stays on his spot for several more minutes, earning a worried look from both Boss and Ludwig. When he finally tears his gaze from his lap, he looks up at Boss and gives him an apologetic smile. Boss nods understandingly, gives him another comforting smile to indicate that he understands. He shoots Ludwig a I'm-leaving-the-rest-to-you look and disappears into the back.
"Ve, Ludwig,"
"You don't need to apologize, Feliciano." Ludwig cuts him softly, earning a wide-eyed look. "I know you're intending to. There's no need to apologize."
"Ve…" Wheeling to him, Feliciano lets his smile falter and his face morphs into a bitter sadness. "Thank you, Ludwig." He stops next to him and locks his arms around his waist in a hug, which the German awkwardly returns. They stay like that for a while, until Feliciano pulls away, sniffling lightly.
"Ve… You know, Ludwig," He leans back to his wheelchair, the same sad look is still in his eyes. "Me and fratello were raised by Grandpa until we were five."
It's out of the blue, but Ludwig recovers his surprise fast enough. "Yes, you've told me about that." Knowing he's gained the other's attention, Feliciano continues. "Then mom and dad came and picked us up. We lived with them until we were ten." Nostalgia flashes in his eyes, but it's gone in a mere second, replaced by a bitter look.
"Well, we lived with them until we were nine actually. Mom left when we were nine, and we lived with dad for a year."
Outside, the rain is still pouring, knocking the glass like bullets, and how much it reminds him of that day, but unlike his brother, Feliciano needs to talk to someone about it. Their mother's arrival has brought back that memory, fresh and crystal clear, to his mind, and he knows that it does to Romano too. Feliciano needs to talk about it to someone, to let it out, so maybe, hopefully, he'll be able to relive the pain just a little.
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Dad had been upset since mom left. Even the usually oblivious Feliciano noticed that, and he started to feel scared. Romano told him that there was no need to be. Mom left, and who wouldn't be upset and heartbroken because of that? Dad was, and they were too.
True, they had seen both their parents got into argument more often than not lately, sometimes it escalated into something more heated and harsher, resulting to separation of bed, then separation of room, until finally mom snapped and decided to leave.
"Does mom hate us?" Feliciano asked the question that had been stubbornly sticking in his head. Romano shook his head. "No. Mom hates dad, not us, Feli."
"But then why didn't she take us with her?"
Romano frowned at the painfully logical question for a nine year old and crossed his arms in front of his chest, before letting out a long sigh at last and deflated slightly. "I don't know."
"And why does mom hate dad?" Feliciano tilted his head slightly in confusion, pouting sadly.
"I don't fucking know either." Romano growled in frustration. "Stop asking me question about that, Feli. Why should I know the answer?"
"Ve…. Sorry." Fiddling with his thumb for a moment, Feliciano climbed onto his brother's bed and curled up next to him. "Dad scares me, fratello."
"I know," Romano let out another sigh and pulled his brother's head into his lap, playing with the strands of his reddish brown hair. "He scares me too. But he won't hurt us." He bitterly admitted inward that he was trying to reassure himself more than he was to his brother.
Feliciano stared up at his brother, locking his golden brown eyes into the identical ones. Romano frowned at him. "What?"
"I miss mom."
They kept their gaze for a moment before Romano broke it first, replying with unmasked sadness. "Me too, Feli."
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The rain is still pouring on him hard, plastering his hair and his clothes to his face and figure and sending him trembling more intensely. But that's just what he needs. Anger is still boiling up inside him and even though Antonio is there by his side, emanating comfort and safety, even him can't keep him safe from the memory.
Romano hates his mother more than he thought he could. He was angry that day she left, but he hadn't come to hate her that time. He was just confused and sad and angry, but not hate. But then, that had to happen. And it's all her fault. Her fault for leaving her husband, their father. Her fault for being so irresponsible. Her fault for leaving him and Feliciano with an empty promise to come back for them.
Her fault for the painfully tugging grief in his heart that is hidden so well behind his hate.
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Feliciano stops for a moment, listening to the rain pouring outside and the steady breathing of Ludwig next to him. His brother hasn't come back, but Antonio is with him. Antonio will find him, and maybe he has already done it.
He knows his brother is safe with the Spaniard. Back then they only had each other, only had each other to share the pain but at the same time multiplying it because both of them feel it, not just one. But now they are not alone anymore. Antonio will keep his brother safe, will keep him happy, will not leave him ever.
Ludwig makes him feel safe, comforts him without needing to do anything. His presence alone is enough, and Feliciano is glad for it.
Because his mind is still conflicting even now. He still refuses to believe that their mother left them merely because she couldn't stand living with their father anymore. He still refuses to pin the blame of what happened that day to her. And now, he knows the answer as to why.
Because deep down he still misses her and wants her to be back, to kiss them and hug them and smile to them and do things with them. He doesn't want all that longing that keeps him from hating her disappears, because by then he has to hate her, and he doesn't want to hate his mother.
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Dad had been scarier lately. It'd been one year after mom left. And dad was often in mood swings after that. They knew he loved them, they knew he was trying his best to be a decent father, to keep his emotions under control. They knew it wasn't his fault that sometimes he just snapped and shouted at them. It wasn't his fault if he slapped them or hit them sometimes.
But they couldn't help but to be scared.
"When will mom come back?" That night it was raining outside. Both Feliciano and Romano were in their room, doing homework. Romano raised his head from his math textbook, frowning at him. "What the hell, Feli?"
"I'm scared of dad," The younger whispered, gripping his pencil tighter. "I know he always apologizes after he yells at us or hits us, but I'm scared."
"Don't worry too much or else you'll get a headache," Romano replied nonchalantly, shifting his attention back at his textbook. "And this fucking homework won't ever get finished." He hid his own fear very well, if only Feliciano could see his eyes betraying his words.
Feliciano bit his lower lip nervously, before shifting back to his textbook as well. But not long after that, the opening and closing of the front door could be heard, and unconsciously, both twins tensed.
Romano tried to go back to his homework, but his lightly trembling hand caused him to broke the tip of his pencil. Feliciano couldn't even hide his anxiety, letting out a small whimper. But then the door to their room creaked open and the slightly swaying figure of their father entered.
Romano swallowed hard, before getting down from his desk chair in a wary movement whose at first sight seemed to be a greeting gesture, but none of the other two noticed that he put himself in front of his cowering younger brother almost protectively, though every part of his body screamed of anxiety.
Their father wasn't the type to seek out for them to be his punching bag. As long as they weren't in his line of sight when he felt a bit violent, they should be fine; he would lash out at the furniture and breakable objects. Never once did he enter their room with that violent aura around him just to beat them around. But today he looked different. Maybe he had drunk a little.
"Welcome home, dad." He didn't mean it to sound like a squeak, but blame his vocal chord to be too scared to function properly.
Their father swayed around for a moment before he finally saw them and fell on knees before his older son, who's eyeing him warily.
"Romano, you're so big now," He slurped, reaching out to cup his cheeks in his bigger hands. He noticed the boy flinched a bit. "You start to look a lot like your mother."
It was silent for a second, and Romano could almost hear his heart beating crazily against his ribs. He swallowed and waited. He could feel Feliciano's widening with fear eyes boring into his back.
"Look so much like her…" Their father started to sob a bit. "Like my beautiful Katerina. Your eyes, your hair, even the shape of your face." He rubbed the corner of his son's eyes a bit too roughly, and Romano flinched again, this time failing to hide his fear. "Why are you trembling, Romano? Why are you looking at me like that? Aren't you happy to see dad? Don't you love me?"
Feliciano whimpered behind him, and Romano's legs had started to turn into jelly. He could only wait in dread. "Don't you love me?!" His father screamed, squeezing his cheeks in his palms, and tears of terror rolled down the boy's cheeks as he nodded. "Answer me!"
"I-I…." Feliciano had started crying behind him, and he really wanted to just bow his head down and escaped his father's furious grip, but he couldn't. "I l-l-love you, d-d-dad…"
"Then why?!" His father released his face and gripped his shoulders. "Why did you leave?!"
Feliciano broke into full scale crying and Romano couldn't help but to do too. He shook so hard on his spot. Father wasn't supposed to be like this. This wasn't him. This was just a really terrible nightmare. He repeated inside his head. "Look at me!" His chin was forced to raise to meet his father's angry and inebriated eyes. "Why did you leave?!"
Romano shook his head rapidly, but it seemed to be fueling the older man's anger. "Because you don't want me?!"
"No…" He hadn't intend to let the word slip past his mouth, but it was too late now. He had only a flash of second to see the fury on his father's face before he was thrown onto the bed, crying out as he felt his back slammed rather roughly against the mattress.
"Don't. You. Dare…" His father lunged at him, and his eyes flew open in his fear, a fatal mistake it proved to be.
"Don't you dare look at me like that!" And the next second it was pain, blindingly red pain that he screamed. His eyes were in fire, there was something thrust into them, sending new wave of pain everytime it did.
"Don't you look at me like that!" He could only hear some of dad's furious screaming and Feliciano hysterical cries because everything inside him was in burning pain that refused to stop, even as he cried and begged and apologized until his throat was raw. He could feel something warm trickling down his face, staining his hands as he thrashed around and begged for anything that was causing his eyes so much pain to stop.
He didn't know how long it attacked him, but he remembered that even after it stopped, the pain didn't subside a bit and he slipped into unconsciousness.
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Antonio thought it was the rain deceiving his ear, but he's sure he heard Romano whimpered. "Romano?"
"It hurts…" The smaller mumbles into his arms, whole body is trembling rather harshly, but Antonio doubts it to be from the cold alone. "It hurts… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"Roma?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please please please stop…."
"Romano, did you fall asleep?" Antonio shakes him lightly. "Come on, wake up. It's just a dream."
"Please please please stop, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, dad."
The last word makes Antonio freezes midway, staring at the shaking figure with dread as he notices Romano pressed his eyes against his arms, chanting the words over and over.
"Romano," Antonio shakes him a bit harder this time, feeling the chanted words dissipate and he sighs in relief inwardly. "It's okay. No one is going to hurt you." The Italian still refuses to lift his head, still pressing his eyes stubbornly to his arms. Gently, Antonio pries his arms from his figure and wraps his arms around the smaller's body.
"No one is going to hurt you anymore." He promises, running his hand through the damp hair. He feels the smaller man leans into his embrace, and he holds him tighter.
"It's okay. It's okay now."
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He was too full of fear and dread to do anything as he watched his father lunged at his brother and started thrusting his fingers into his eyes. His brother screamed and cried and begged, but father didn't stop, he didn't even seem to be intending to.
Before he knew what he was doing, Feliciano was on his feet, wrapping his small arms around his father's waist and trying to pull him off of his brother, crying hysterically himself. "Dad! Dad! Stop! Please! Please!" His father's elbow slammed into his face in his raw fury and Feliciano was thrown back to the floor, whimpering as he felt the bruise started to form. But that wasn't something to be worried of now. He got to his feet again and now resorted to pulling his father's shirt, begging him to stop, tears of dread streaming freely down his face.
"Dad! Stop! Please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please stop!" He pulled his dad's sleeve, his shirt, his pants, but dad didn't stop. Feliciano stared in pure horror as something damp and red began to stain his father's fingers and how his brother thrashing got weaker as seconds passed. "Dad! Stop it! Please!" He gave one last strong pull before he stumbled down on the impact. But he had succeed on that last effort. His father had stopped, turning to look at him with the same fury in his face. Feliciano was too much in fear to notice that his brother had stopped as well, his figure laying limply on the bed.
"You're noisy!" His hair was yanked roughly by the older man's hand, and he cried a new wave of tears as he was pulled onto his feet. "So noisy! Just like her! Why do you so noisy just like her?! Shut up!" But he couldn't stop his crying, choking instead as he tried to do so. "Shut the fuck up, I said!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He shrieked, crying harder as he felt a hand landed on his cheek, slapping him hard and leaving damp and metallic-scent handprints. "I'm sorry, dad! I'm sorry!" But why couldn't he stop crying?
"SHUT UP! I said SHUT UP!" And he was lifted off the ground, father's hands below his armpit and he felt him walking toward the door.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, dad! I'm sorry! Fratello! Help! Help!" He thrashed around, trying in a futile effort to pull himself out of father's grip, but to no avail. Then it was the stairs behind him and he realized in terror what his father was going to do.
"No! Please! Please, dad! I'm sorry! Fratello! Help! Mom!"
And he felt himself being lifted to the air for a mere second before his body flew down, and he had only a flash of second to register what was happening before his body was slammed down hard onto the floor below on his back. Then a wave of blinding pain rushed through him, sending him trembling greatly and his eyes widening in pain. His whole body was in pain but the greatest of it came from his back. Feliciano found himself unable to say anything more than a whimper, and he couldn't close his eyes from the pain as he heard father's footsteps down the stairs.
He had to run away. Run away before father could hurt him again. Run away and call for help. But he couldn't move. The pain on his back turned all his other limbs to jelly, and Feliciano could only stare ahead, couldn't even praying because the pain engulf his mind.
He could make out father's swaying feet, fury still flowed through them, walking away from him, further and further into the dark hallway. He didn't even register the sound of the door slammed close.
It was several more seconds before the pain became too much to bear, and the only thing Feliciano could remember before slipping to unconsciousness himself was how scared he was because it was silent, no sound even from his brother.
His brother wasn't dead, was he?
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Ludwig can only stare in pure dread, watching Feliciano's face twitches as if he can still feel the pain as he tells him the story. When he finally stops to pause, his face and his eyes are unreadable. Ludwig swallows hard before manages to croak. "Your father did that to you and your brother?"
Feliciano nods, lowering his head slightly. "He had never done anything like that before. I guess that night he was just really upset."
"It still doesn't justify what he did to you and your brother!" Ludwig doesn't realize that his voice has raised in volume, and he has to resist the urge to slam the table. He settles with curling his fist. Feliciano smiles a bit on the outburst, but it's a sad one, as much as he tries to smile happily. "Ve… thank you, Ludwig."
The German takes a moment to put his emotions under control again, before speaking with a forced calmness. "What happened after that?"
"Our neighbour who came to visit found us in the morning," Feliciano plays with a loose thread of his pants. "According to the police, she found me first and thought I was dead, so she called the police. When they came, they found fratello upstairs and they called an ambulance to take us to the hospital."
"And your father?" Ludwig sees Feliciano's face darkens slightly on the mention, but the Italian replies nonetheless.
"They took him to the jail. He went through trial and was sentenced to 10 years of prison. But he died in there though. Drug overdose." Feliciano still doesn't raise his head, even though his voice is still calm.
Another moment of silence passes, and neither of them notice how the rain outside has lessened to a few light raindrops. Ludwig wraps his arm around the smaller's shoulder and pulls him closer to him. Although not instantly, Feliciano visibly relaxes and he leans into the contact, closing his eyes.
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Days after that were like a long nightmare for both of them. Even though they knew they were safe, no one was going to hurt them again, nightmares plagued their nights mercilessly.
Feliciano always woke up at nights with tears on his face and the small imaginary pain on his back despite not being able to feel anything on that anymore. He wanted to climb to his brother's bed and sleep with him, but he couldn't because Romano was assigned in another room and Feliciano couldn't just walk there anymore.
Maybe he wouldn't be able to walk anywhere anymore.
So everytime he woke up with the still-too-real nightmares at the back of his mind, Feliciano could only cry alone on his bed.
Romano wasn't any better either. If it was even possible, his condition was worse. He did wake up at nights from the nightmare, but at the day, when the nurses tried to change his bandages or inject him with painkiller, fear came rushing to him and gripped his heart so bad that he refused to be touched, and went into a full scale panic mode everytime someone tried to.
The doctors said it was a miracle that he didn't die from the shock of pain that night.
He didn't care if it was a miracle or not. For now, all he wanted was to see his brother. Was Feliciano okay? Did his father do something to him too? And a wave of sickening nausea would come to him everytime he remembered the burning pain in his eyes and the darkness he had to be accustomed to since now. He really wished Feliciano wouldn't have to go through that too. He was supposed to protect his baby brother, dammit!
Fortunately, a week or so after the incident, the doctor allowed the twins to be moved into the same room. That had made Feliciano burst into a happy tears and Romano's panic fit to dissipate. But it was inescapable that when Feliciano was finally able to meet with his brother again, the first thing that happened was him crying. Crying over his brother's slightly trembling figure and the bruise on his face and the bandages over his eyes.
And when Romano noticed that his brother couldn't move to tackle him into a hug like usual, he cried as well, though it just made the pain on his eyes worse.
But everyone in the hospital agreed that putting them in the same room was a good act. Because both had calmed down bit by bit after that.
Romulus came almost two weeks after that, rushing into the hospital with a bewildered look on his face and his golden eyes were frantic. The social worker had difficulties to track him down and contact him about the condition of his grandsons, that he was really really late to come to see them.
The doctor who took care of them led him to their room, and when he saw his grandsons, Feliciano drawing on a piece of paper the nurses brought for him and Romano lying quietly on his bed, bandages over his eyes, he felt his throat constrict.
The one that did this to his grandsons, his adorable and innocent grandsons, was his son, he noticed with disgust and guilt, the latter greater than the former.
Romano shifted a bit on the sound of the door, and Feliciano lifted his head from his drawing. At the look of his grandfather, his face brightened instantly and he cried out, "Grandpa!"
That made Romano's head snapped to his direction, moving quickly into a half sitting position. Romulus approached them, each of his steps felt like lead. When he finally stopped between their beds, between his grandsons, he stood still for a while. Feliciano stared at him, still smiling and eyes glinting with joy, but he faltered when he saw his grandfather stood still. Romano frowned nervously from his bed, opening his mouth to say something, but his brother beat him to it.
"Grandpa?"
And the next moment, Romulus enveloped them both in a hug, made possible with his broad shoulders and arms, being careful for Feliciano. Feliciano's eyes widened slightly in surprise and Romano looked dumbfounded as well.
"Ve… Grandpa, what's wrong?" Feliciano returned the hug somewhat awkwardly. He still wasn't used to his condition not being able to move as freely.
Romano shifted uneasily in his grandfather's arm. "Why the hell are you crying, old man?"
Romulus didn't say anything. He just let his tears flow freely down his cheeks, landing on both his grandsons' hospital shirt. Feliciano wrapped his short arms around his grandpa's, and Romano for once leaned into his embrace. They understood, and they kept silent, returning his hug in their own ways.
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One and a half month after that, Feliciano was moved onto a wheelchair and was taught of how to get on and off it. Not long after that, the doctor said that they could take Romano's bandage off now. They couldn't guarantee anything though. The doctor said the boy was lucky that even though his eyeballs were damaged pretty bad, they didn't have to remove them.
Romulus stood beside his grandson's bed, Feliciano on his side, watching the doctor cut layer after layer of the bandages. After what felt like a whole roll of bandages, the doctor moved back a bit and Romulus unconsciously held his breath when slowly, Romano opened his eyes.
"Fratello?" Feliciano took his hand and squeezed it gently. "Ve… How are you feeling?"
The blank look he gave made both the other Vargas nervous. The older twin wasn't supposed to have that look. "Ve… Fratello, is something the matter?"
The doctor spoke up after that. "Romano, can you please tell me what you see?"
It was silent for a moment, the older twin blinking slowly several times, before a half-hearted frown nestled on his face. "I don't wanna."
"What do you mean you don't want to?" The doctor asked patiently. He could see the color draining out of the eldest Vargas in the room. "Romano, please tell us what you see. We need to know the state of your sight."
"I said I don't want to!" He moved his gaze elsewhere and puffed out his cheeks in irritation. "Why don't you just leave me alone?"
The doctor looked at Romulus and the older man nodded shakily. He knelt down beside the bed so he and Romano were on eye level. "Romano, just tell the doctor what you see so he can help you, alright? ." He forced out a smile, but Romano just frowned stubbornly, shaking his head. "Romano…"
"Ve, fratello," Feliciano piped in, looking at his brother anxiously and gripping his hand tighter. "Per favore?"
"Dammit! Damn everyone!" Romano snapped, yanking his hand away from his brother's. "I can't see! I can't see a damn thing! Happy now?" He crossed his arms on his chest and puffed out his cheeks in an act to look strong, but he was blinking back tears as he did.
A choking silence followed after his outburst. The doctor looked sad and sympathetic. Feliciano's face had dropped visibly, but he was quick to recover, forcing a smile and talked as happily as he could, even though tears had started gathering in his eyes. "Ve… I-It's okay, fratello. It's a-alright." He leaned forward and wrapped his small arms around his brother's neck, sputtering incoherent words.
Romano opened his mouth to say something but his grandfather enveloped them both in a hug, gently pulling them into his chest. And not long after that, Romano started sobbing lightly into his grandfather's broad chest, joining his brother.
Romulus shushed them both gently, though his voice was shaking itself. "It's okay. It is going to be okay. Grandpa's here. Everything is going to be okay."
They knew it wouldn't, but it was the only comfort they could hold onto, along with the warmth of each other. Both boys nodded into his shirt. Romulus ran his hands through their hair and said, "Let's go home, the three of us."
-colorful wall-
Feliciano's eyes are still dry and he looks more relaxed when Romano and Antonio finally come back. He wheels to them, fretting over his brother to quickly change to dry clothes as soon as they get home.
Everyone in the diner agree on one thing. Today is enough of an event for all of them, so none of them mention anything about that again and go their separate ways home. Both Feliciano and Romano refuse the others' offers to take them home, and they call a cab instead.
As soon as they arrive at the apartment, Feliciano ushers his brother to their room and starts stripping him of his wet clothes, ignoring the yells and curses directed at him. After both have changed into dry and clean clothes, Feliciano moves to the kitchen to make dinner, but Romano stops him on his track, saying the he'll do that instead.
That night, both are silent. Neither try to strike conversation, and neither of them talk. The sound of the chopping from the kitchen and the dialogs from the TV's drama are the only sounds in the silence. After dinner and cleaning, both go straight to bed.
Romano climbs onto the bed first, slipping himself under the sheet and turns around so his back is facing his brother. Feliciano pouts slightly on the action, slipping under the sheet himself. Ignoring his brother's silent cue to leave him alone, the younger Italian scoots closer to him and drapes one arm along his figure.
"Go to sleep, Feli." Romano mumbles, pretending to be sleepy, but Feliciano sees right through it.
"Fratello is upset," Feliciano says softly, leaning his head against his brother's back. "You need a hug, and I want to hug, so let me give you one, ve."
"Need a hug my ass…" Romano mutters in response, shrugging his brother off half-heartedly, but Feliciano doesn't budge. "Just go to sleep, Feli. Today's one hell of a hell. We are both tired." And I don't want to talk about it comes silently.
"I know," The younger nuzzles his face into the fabric of his brother's pajama's shirt, inhaling the faint smell of detergent and taking comfort from the other's familiar warmth. "I won't talk about it. Just let me hug you, per favore?"
"You and your fucking Italian…" Romano curses under his breath, trying to ignore the warmth blush creeping on the back of his neck. "Whatever. Just let me sleep."
Feliciano chuckles and nods wordlessly, pressing his body against his brother's and drifting off to sleep himself.
-colorful wall-
Feliciano can't quite remember how he was able to convince his brother to face their mother today, after work. He faintly remembers that the effort involves a one-sided yelling match, teary eyes and reminder of the promise they made as children that they would face it together. Just remembering of the look of angry defeat his brother was wearing the whole way to his workplace makes Feliciano smiles a bit. It isn't a victorious one, just a very relieved one.
He doesn't want to face his mother alone.
Not with his still conflicting feelings.
Katerina arrives half an hour before the closing hour and sits on a table, ordering a cup of coffee out of politeness. Feliciano keeps scrubbing the counter and looks at the door anxiously, and when Ludwig comes at nine o'clock sharp by his request, the Italian practically flies to him.
He ushers the confused German to his seat with incoherent words and sputtered apologies, serving him a cup of coffee and a bowl of warm soup before sitting beside him, tense on his wheelchair. Ludwig merely furrows a brow at the act, but inside he's worried. Will Feliciano be okay? He seems like he doesn't want to do this, but he still has to. But the German keeps silent about that.
Half an hour or so past nine, Romano comes, along with Antonio trailing unsurely behind him. His permanent scowl is on his face, but his eyes are dark. When she spots him, Katerina makes a move to stand from her seat, but at the last second she decides against it and sits back, biting her lower lip.
Both twins take seats across their mother on the table and Antonio goes to sit next to Ludwig across the room. The atmosphere on the Vargas table is tense that passersby seeing it will think it's some kind of a really important meeting instead of a family reunion.
Uncomfortable silence passes for several minutes, both sides seem to be unsure about striking a conversation first. For Romano's part, he seems reluctant, frowning on the table and refusing to lift his face.
"How are you? Have you two been well?"
It's an awkward start, but Antonio and Ludwig both agree that the woman makes a very brave start.
"Ve… Yes. W-We're fine. Not sick, not hungry, ve…" Feliciano fidgets with his thumb, looking anywhere but his mother. Romano just scoffs, but doesn't say anything.
Katerina tries to smile on the reply. "I'm glad to know that. Where do you live now?"
"It's none of your business," Romano replies, cutting his brother off before the other has the chance to do. His tone is sharp and he doesn't bother to speak as politely as his brother does. Katerina's face falls and she lowers her eyes, gripping tighter on the strap of her bag under the table. Feliciano doesn't say anything to the harsh reply either. He just keeps staring at the pattern of the tablecloth and fiddling with his thumb harder.
"I'm sorry," The words and the guilty tone make Romano snaps his head up and Feliciano lifts his eyes a bit. Katerina speaks again before her son gets the chance to interrupt her. "I'm very sorry. I know I can't fix things just by saying this, I know that I can't go back in time, I know that I can't remedy what happened to both of you, but still, I want you to know that I'm sorry," She raises her face to look at both her sons, Feliciano raising his eyes fully now and Romano seems to decide to let her continue for now. Katerina swallows, praying that they will at least believe her next words. "And I love you."
It is silent again after that, but Feliciano doesn't look away again. His slightly widened eyes are fixed on his mother. But next to him, Romano's face darkens and his fists begin to clench.
"Bunch of bullshit," The sharp words pierce through the silence, enough to tear Feliciano's eyes from his mother to look at his brother. Katerina closes her eyes painfully and bites her lower lip. Somehow, she's seen this to come. "Do you think I'm an idiot? I'm not going to buy that crap of yours."
"Romano, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry." She unconsciously reaches across the table to take her older son's hand in hers, but he swats it away angrily. "Don't touch me!" In the moment of anger, Romano stands up so abruptly he knocks his chair down in the process, but no one seems to care. His fists are clenched on his sides and his face twists in anger.
"Don't you dare say sorry when you don't have any idea what happened that night!"
"Fratello…" Feliciano pleads, the flash of the horrible memory run through his mind, but Romano has had enough of this. He's going to make sure their mother knows what they've been going through, him and Feliciano, even if it means reopening old wounds and watching them bleed again.
"You know what he said? He said how much I resemble you! He said I have your eyes, and he didn't want me to look at him before he jabbed his fingers into my eyes!"
Feliciano clenches his eyes shut and covers his ears with his hands, tears begin to form on the corner of his eyes.
"Don't you dare look at me like that!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please, please stop!"
"Dad! Stop! Please!"
Katerina stares at her son, eyes wide as the truth comes crashing to her.
"You know what he said to Feliciano? You know what he did to him? He threw him down the stairs because he said that he was noisy! He said that he was noisy just like you!"
"So noisy! Just like her! Why do you so noisy just like her?! Shut up!"
"SHUT UP! I said SHUT UP!"
"No! Please! Please, dad! I'm sorry! Fratello! Help! Mom!"
As he finally stops, the room is thrown into complete silence, the only sound heard is Feliciano's light sobbing and his own breath, fast and angry. Katerina raises a hand to her mouth, tears form in her eyes and flow down her face.
What had she done?
What in God's name had she done?
Leaving her husband and children for such a petty reason, only for her innocent sons to take the consequences of it.
Katerina finds herself unable to say anything.
-colorful wall-
A week after the meeting, Romano is still moodier than usual and talks less. He still allows Antonio to hug him or kiss his head, but he can't take comfort fully from it, Antonio can tell.
The revelation he got that night still haunts his mind even now. Just the image of what the twins went through as children is enough to send a wave of anger through him, and he feels more protective of the younger man. He doesn't talk about that anymore with Romano. Instead, he walks him to and from his workplace with his usual smile and they chat about usual things. Everytime he holds the smaller close and plants a kiss on his head, he tries to show him that he's there, and he won't let anyone ever hurt him like that anymore.
Feliciano is back to being happy and smiling, seems like that to the people who don't know him. But Ludwig, Elizaveta, and Boss know better than that. Boss offers to give him some day off, but he refuses. He said he needs the work to keep himself from remembering things he doesn't want to remember.
He becomes more clingy to Ludwig, throwing himself to him in a hug everytime he sees him and refusing to let go of his arms whenever he gets hold of them. The German doesn't really mind, but it pains him to see the younger like this. The Italian's smile seems strained more often than not, and his joyful expression holds the bitter one behind it.
"I'm sorry you have to see me like this, Ludwig," Feliciano says one night, wiping the corner of his eyes. The German shakes his head, and in an unexpected and awkward movement, he pulls the smaller man into his arms. Feliciano's eyes widen a bit, but then a smile, a truly happy one, twists into his face and he nuzzles his face into the other's chest, muttering a happy 've…'
A week and several days after the meeting, Feliciano receives a letter addressed to him and his brother via Boss. "Your mother came and left it for you." The middle aged man says, eyes twinkle slightly with concern. "If you want to read it now I'll ask Elizaveta to switch for you."
Feliciano shakes his head. "Ve… It's okay, boss. I'll read it later." He slips the letter into his pocket and wheels to serve another customer. Boss eyes him for a moment before letting out a wistful sigh and going back to his chores.
-colorful wall-
Feliciano does read the letter after work, while waiting for his brother to come. The absence of the German makes him nervous, but it's not like he has a choice. Ludwig is really busy today. He can choose not to read the letter, but another part of him really wants to.
Yes, he misses his mother, he admits it.
So he opens the unsealed envelope and pulls out a piece of paper folded neatly inside it, with neat and curving handwriting.
Dear Feliciano and Romano,
I know I have no right to ever call myself your mother anymore, and I have no right to meet you after what had happened.
But I want you to know that it eats me up inside knowing what happened to both of you that night. And although words alone can never fix things for you anymore, I want to say that I'm really really sorry. It is natural for both of you to hate and blame me. Even I can justify it.
The reason I wrote this letter is not only to tell you that. I still feel that I should apologize to both of you in person.
I know that what I'm going to say after this is entirely selfish, but I really wish for it and I can't not say it.
Feliciano and Romano, would you come and live with me?
I know it's selfish and so shameless of me, but I really want for both of you to live a better life. I have a husband now, a very gentle and understanding man. I've told him about my decision and he's very happy to have both of you with us, being a family again. Even though I know that both of you must hate me so much, please…
Please let me take care of you.
You don't have to answer to this immediately. But please think about it. You don't have to call me your mother anymore, but please consider it, coming and living with me.
I love you.
Mom
Thank you for reading :D