For a long moment we just looked at each other. A long moment.

He had rolled quietly onto his side to face me, his head resting on his good arm, the other lay on the bed between us. My eyes were drawn to the bandaged limb and I almost cracked again. What was wrong with me. I was not the one who had just returned from Grendel hell. Why couldn't I pull it together? He didn't need to see me like this, not now, not when he needed me at my best.

I looked back up to him. He was calm. Really calm (and on top of the bed) I hadn't seen him like this. More worrying was that I couldn't read his expression. Not really. Not like I usually could. And that scared the shit out of me more than what had just happened.

"Cal" I croaked, quietly, unable to hold his gaze all of a sudden.

"Cal, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't stop them" I swallowed and continued quickly, aware of his gaze on me.

"'m wrong" he whispered back to me, as though he was telling me a secret.

"I'm wrong here, don't belong, Nik" His voice was strange, rough, but the use of my name, finally, that simple word made my breath catch in my throat.

I slowly pulled myself up to sit again on the side of the bed, wincing as I noticed him withdraw from me slightly across the bed.

"listen to me Cal, and listen to me closely" I made sure he was looking at me, still careful not to touch him.

"don't you ever say that, or think that, EVER, do you hear me?" I didn't raise my voice, that I was careful about.

"don't you let them ever make you believe that there is anything wrong or not right about you, the only thing wrong is them, that they took you at all, that they even exist" He looked away, unable to keep eye contact with me. God I wished I could just grab him and shake him, make him understand me!

I shifted my weight, determined, willing him till he looked at me again.

"You must never think like that Cal. Never. Don't let them win, don't let them have made you believe that." I tried so hard to keep my voice controlled and firm, but not scare him.

"I won't let you, you hear me? I won't let you think like that" I looked away now, barely able to hold off my emotions, again I felt that tearing at my stomach, fighting to overwhelm me.

He'd turned his head into the pillow, away from me. I felt like I was losing. I was losing. Losing him to the darkness, to that abyss all over again, yet he was here in front of me. I swallowed thickly, running my hands through my hair I had not pulled back yet.

"Please Cal" I whispered after a long moment of silence.

"Please"

I never asked him for anything, not like this. I never said please, not like this - but this was different, this was…something I couldn't imagine not getting.

"Stay with me Cal, please stay with me"

He turned to look at me again, slowly, as though he was trapped in molasses, detached from his body.

"Don't you leave me, ok? I can't…" my voice broke but I continued. I needed him to hear this. Maybe it wouldn't help, maybe it wouldn't make one damn bit ofdifference, but I had to try. I had to try everything, and he needed to know - everything. This was not the time for leaving things unsaid or open to interpretation.

He was looking at me again, those eyes horribly unreadable…He was silent, his face expressionless.

"I promised myself a long time ago, when I first held you in that white hospital blanket..I promised you, I promised I would always look after you, I would always keep you safe, I would do everything in my power…and I failed you..more than once now"

I felt the bed shift as he moved to prop himself up slightly. At least I knew he was listening to me. I continued, now it was me who was unable to look at him for long.

"I broke my promise…you never knew I made it, but I broke it and..and I'm so goddamn sorry, but, that's not the point, not now, I just, I just need you to know.." I shifted my own weight and looked at him straight.

"I love you Cal. I've loved you since I held your tiny little form in my arms…I would die for you. In a second. Always. You give my life purpose. You make me want to wake up, to get up, every morning, you make me want to be better, every day" I took a breath, but I couldn't stop now,

"when you were gone..I couldn't think, I could barely breathe…I need you little brother, I need you to be here with me, to stay with me. Please don't you leave me alone in this world without you, I can't deal with that, not now, not ever."

"I hoped that you knew, but I needed to say it, I need you to know - to know that if you go, if you leave me now, you will break me, ok?" I knew I was crying now. I also knew I'd never let Cal see me like this before, so..weak. I didn't know what else to do, to say.

"I know its selfish. I'm selfish and I don't care ok? All I care about is you. You being alive and ok, and here with me" I was probably scaring him by now. I knew it and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop my tears, like a cry-baby a selfish cry-baby.

"You're not wrong. You're so far from wrong you have no idea. You have so much light in you. So much good and capacity for good, and, I just want you to see what I do, and if you can't see it now then, then just believe me for now, ok? Until you do. Trust me, until then, please? I promise you now that I will never let them take you again and I will never leave you again. I will never leave you, do you understand?"

I knew my voice was raised now, but I needed him to hear me, to really hear me. I thought again about reaching out for him but at the last second thought better of it.

I let my head fall back into my hands again, struggling to control…everything. It was silent. Totally silent. I had to say it. He had to know. I wanted so badly for him to hear me, to believe me, but I feared it was too little too late and I couldn't bring him back. I had nothing else to give.

I had nothing else to give him but everything, every part of me. Perhaps that was still not enough.

It was a moment later when I realised he was still watching me, I was almost afraid to look at him, but I sensed something was different. I kept my head in my hands but suddenly cold fingers were laid across my shoulder. I jumped slightly, regretting the involuntary movement immediately. I quicky turned and caught his eye. Something was different.

He said nothing, only stared at me again, but then only seconds later I had an armful of my little brother. My everything. It was glorious. I held onto him as though my life depended on it. It did. I pulled him close and buried my head in his shoulder, breathing him in, my sobs returning to rack both our bodies as we clung to each other, as if to life itself.

I don't know how long it was that we stayed like that, but it was a long time. I knew this was only the beginning of a very long road, the first step of so many, but it was a step I had feared neither of us could take. I guess we just couldn't take it without each other.

"I love you so much" I mumbled into his still damp black hair. I didn't expect a reply. I didn't need a reply, but the one I got was all I needed.

"Nik, I promise"

The End

WSwswswswsWS

A/N - Well I hope you liked it, please, please review if you did! A little more angsty than my last story but I felt for a while I wanted to write something pretty heavy that defined exactly when the brothers promised to each other they would never 'leave' each other. I hope you liked my take on that! Hopefully I'll be back again soon with something with some more action again - when I get some free time! Reviews will speed up the process I'm sure..! WS