Strigoi...Rose...strigoi... Rose is strigoi...

The sentence swam around in my mind, but I wasnt willing to comprehend it or accept it.
Rose Hathaway couldnt be one of the undead... she just couldnt. She was too fiery, too fierce, too amazing to be one of those unfeeling, soulless creatures.
A world without Rose wasnt one worth being in. There was a big difference between leaving her to live a life where she was free of distractions by me but she was still breathing and laughing to one where she was dead, or living an undead life as a murderous monster.

"Why... why do you need me?" I asked, finally shaking my head clear and looking at Lissa and Christian.

Lissa bit her lip lightly and looked down at her hands that rested in her lap, I noticed the book she was holding in her hands. How had I not noticed it before?

She reached out and offered the book to me.

It was black with a red rose and red writing on the front, a strip of red elastic was keeping it closed. I hesitantly took it from her and flipped it over reading the writing.

"Property of Rose Hathaway, Read it and you'll be hurting for the rest of your life"

I couldnt help the tug of a smile as I read the words, I could imagine her saying it with a serious look, hands on her hips.

"I found it in her room after... after she was gone." Lissa said, her voice tight. I looked up to see the tears falling down her cheeks.

I gently removed the elastic and opened it up to the first page.

"Comrade" Was drawn in large bold cursive right in the middle of the first page. My heart beat faster as I recognised her nickname for me. When she first started calling me that it annoyed me, I didnt like it. But eventually it became more than just a nickname, it became the symbol of her affection for me. Whenever she called me comrade would send a shiver up my spine and make my brain fuzzy.

"Its her diary. It starts basically from around our graduation. Dimitri, I swear if I had known any of that I would have changed things, I had no idea you two felt that way about eachother... we could have helped, we would have made it so you two could be together..." Lissas voice cut off as she sobbed. Her voice was higher than normal and the tears were streaming down her face. Christian pulled her into his arms and rubbed her back, whispering to her.

Her diary? This book held Roses inner most thoughts and feelings?
What exactly did it say about me?

My curiousity got the better of me as I flipped open to the next page and read it:

27/07/2012

Graduation is in a week. I managed to pass my trials, thanks to HIS training. They were still hard as hell, Im sure they put the strongest guardians in to be my 'strigoi'.
My mother was there, along with Lissa and Adrian, Eddie and Christian, even Mia was there cheering me on... But it still didnt feel right, the one person that should have been there for me wasnt.
I should be angry, I should be upset... but instead all I am is numb.
Ive felt nothing since he left, I havent cried, I havent gotten angry, I havent done anything except what Im supposed to. Stan even commented in class the other day that Ive become "Tame", I dont think he knew what to think or do with me.
I think my brain has shut off any emotion because it would hurt too much... Im kind of glad.
To be honest Im surprised I still passed my trials, as badass as I am I havent actually been able to step foot in that gym... Alberta was surprisingly understanding when I told her I refused to train in there anymore, she just told me we would train outside from then on... maybe she knows something? She keeps looking at me with an odd look... almost like pity.. but she wont say anything about it.
I havent thought about the day he left, I refuse to acknowledge it or contemplate it. I dont want to break down so Im pushing it into the back of my mind, Ill never think about it. Never.

Adrian cornered me yesturday. He said he knew something was up, that I wasnt myself. He had studied me for a while, his eyes flickering around me. I could tell he was looking at my aura. "You need to let it out, dont hold in whatever youre feeling, its creating more and more darkness around you little dhampir." He had said, his voice eerily calm, he was completely sober too which made it all the more worse.

Like I need more darkness shadowing me.

I honestly didnt know what to think, I knew Rose had been struggling with Lissas darkness before I left, that was what had led to us being alone in the cabin afterall... but I hadnt realised she had so much of her own darkness inside.. enough for Adrian to comment on it... and it was caused by me? How had I not seen it before I left?

I flipped through a couple of pages and read another date...