What do you do? How are you supposed to go forward when the one pulling you gives up, spits in your face and leaves you on your own and it's your fault? What do you say? Where are you supposed to go when your planet or star pushes you out of its orbit into the open space? When this time you don't want to move on, flying across the stars but you prefer to stay where it's safe and familiar because you can no longer see the other stars? Why is it worth eating, laughing, sleeping anymore? Why is it worth breathing?
"Gerard! Snap out of it!" Gerard's vision gets disoriented and shaky from the cause of someone shaking his shoulders roughly. His train of thought gets lost in the depth of his mind
"You're doing it again, stay focused." Mikey says crouching down in front of him. He runs his hand across his face in frustration.
"Don't start drifting off like that, I know what you're thinking about and it's not good. You know it isn't. Now for god's sake eat something or do you want me to call mom and let her see you like this." he says looking tired and there's a hint of fear in his voice.
Gerard takes the plate, not looking at his brother and starts to eat. He doesn't feel the taste of the food nor does he feel any better once he's finished only that it will be harder for him to fall asleep now. His stomach churns and makes unpleasant noises at food being delivered so rarely. He regrets having taken a bite.
Mikey comes back after a while to the guest room to check up on him, seeing Gerard in the exact same spot on the bed, staring at the same direction as he was the entire day and almost the entire week. He showed up there one day looking like a complete wreck asking if he could stay there for a while before breaking down, crying, spilling everything that's happened to his brother's ears and accepting the comfort and arms of his wife. Ever since he calmed down he barely said a word to either of them. His mom got a short and simple version of what happened from Mikey "he and Frank broke up. He isn't taking it well and wants to be alone for a while." Mikey didn't say a word to him about the cheating nor did he doubt that Frank was acting cold or that he was drugged.
Though, he couldn't deny that he was frightened. This was his brother after all. His blood and best friend that's being torn apart from the inside and he can't do anything about it. It used to be one thing seeing him like this in high school when everything used to piss him off. However, seeing him in this hibernation state in his adult years when he's stronger than he ever was, isn't easy. Mikey puts on a brave face and sits on the bed.
"Gerard I know this isn't pleasant but we need to talk about this. When are you- could you please at least look at me when I'm speaking to you?" Mikey sighs slightly annoyed. Gerard slowly shifts his position facing towards his brother and looks him straight in the eye. His gaze is fixed and unmoving, his face is like carved out of wood, heavy and expressionless. The eyes look empty, no life or spirit behind them just empty vessels almost like a robot, used only for the function of seeing not for observing or feeling
"I've given you a full week to lay low and rest but some things have to be sorted now. I'm letting you stay here for as long as you need but you need to tell what happened to mom"
Gerard's face muscles tense slightly
"You have to. You know how she gets and she's worried about you too so if you'll want to stay here this is my only condition. Come clean to mom" Mikey says with a firm voice. Gerard nods in defeat
"Alright. Now the other things, are you going back to work?" the older brother stares at him oddly. Obviously the thought of work didn't even cross his mind.
"Gerard I know it's hard but you have to start getting your life back together. So the relationship didn't work out, big deal, I know you put a lot of hope into this one and you weren't the only one, it's not your fault things turned out the way they did, no one could see this coming."
Gerard face turns dark and pained "it is my fault, it is" he keeps chanting in his head though it doesn't feel like he's the one thinking this, more like someone was doing it for him; injecting thoughts into his brain and repeating them loudly until he has no choice but to believe them. It gets so loud in his head that for a moment he loses track of what his brother is saying
"…there will be other ones, it's not the end of the world." Gerard opens his mouth in reply but his words come out weak and scratchy from the lack of talking in the past days so he clears his throat and tries again
"I'll start going from Monday, I'll save up some money again and get my own place so you won't have to look after me." he says with a tone that matches his face.
"You're not a burden to us so there's no rush" Mikey says quickly but he sees from his brother's face that he didn't believe it.
"Now for the last thing, Gerard I think you need to see a doctor." Mikey says quickly avoiding his brothers eyes but feeling him tense up from across the sofa.
"I'm sure I'm fine."
"You don't know that. You don't remember anything. Who knows what else might have happened?" he sighs and says more calmly "It's just in case."
"No. I won't do it, no." Gerard says firmly, nodding to himself. The thought of needles and blood bringing back old childhood fears he never quite got over.
"Yeah I knew you wouldn't so I already signed you up for an appointment. C'mon we're leaving now." Mikey says getting up and throwing Gerard his jacket.
"I won't!" Gerard protests loudly.
"Don't be such a baby about it alright? They're just going to take a little blood from you, you'll live."
Gerard's face goes white at the mention of blood though he gets up and follows his brother outside nonetheless.
The car ride is filled with mindless small talk mostly from Mikey's end. He talks about the little arguments he and Alicia got into, some old annoying ladies holding up the cashier in the shop, the warming weather. Gerard fills in when appropriate and lets out slightly strained chuckles at the jokes his little brother makes. It's nice to at least pretend everything's alright.
When the car stops though, Gerard stops talking altogether. Mikey has to call his name a few times before he gets out of the car, trying hard not to look at the building in front of him, and ignore the strong odor of disinfectants inside the hospital.
There's a long line of people waiting in the hallway, all of them looking miserable and weak. They sit on the last bench available counting that there are 8 people in front of them. Mikey checks his watch a few times before getting up
"I'm going for a bit, since this is going to take a while. I'll be back in time to pick you up" Gerard just nods in response staring at the wall trying not to think why he's here or what led him there.
Mikey walks fast through the parking lot and walks past his car and heads toward a group of identical block buildings. He knows he has more than enough time yet his stride is fast and long perhaps in anticipation. He carefully avoids the mud puddles and keeps the building he needs in sight. Mikey practically runs up the stairs sometimes even 3 at a time and knocks on the door a little out of breath, his little body never being too athletic. The door swings open in a rush though the man's face drops at the sight of Gerard's little brother.
Frank motions for him to come in offering to make some coffee. Mikey gladly accepts overlooking the state of his friend: his hair is a mess, eyes are swollen and dark, his face sickly pale and there's a specific odor coming off of him suggesting he's slept in the same clothes for a few days now.
"Lucky you caught me today. Tomorrow I'm going back on tour." Frank says trying to spark up a conversation.
"That's not luck, I knew that." Frank seems at a loss what to say afterwards so he turns away with the pretext of making coffee.
"Frank you know why I'm here" Mikey says seriously. Neither of them wants this conversation. They have been friends for many years after all, but a certain line has been breached, a personal, family related line.
They look at each other and Mikey decides to break the silence first.
"He's a mess. Even a bigger mess than you are. He doesn't talk barely sleeps or eats, just sits there in one place staring into nothing."
Frank tries to keep his face steady and calm
"We basically have him on suicide watch" Mikey says after a deep breath. For a split second Frank's face turns pained and fearful before he composes himself again.
"From what Gerard told me you guys didn't really discuss anything on that day. Did you know he was drugged?"
Frank turns away facing the sink "No I didn't. But that still doesn't justify him for what he did." he adds
"I'm not trying to justify him. I just want to make sure you know everything." Mikey says trying to keep this calm
"I know enough." Frank snaps back.
"From what he told me you weren't exactly a saint either. Almost avoiding him, forgetting your anniversary, showing up drunk and insulting-"
"What I do isn't any of your business. And I've said sorry to him like a million times but he wouldn't listen!"
"Don't act like you couldn't have stopped this from happening." Mikey says his voice rising "You could've told him right all those things you fucking texted him right there and then, you could've caught him on the way out of the apartment but you didn't make one god damn move until you sobered up!" he goes on feeling his temper rise "He's been going out of his mind for the last months without you around"
"It's not my fault he got paranoid over shit!" Frank says barely controlling his voice anymore
"How do you expect him not to when you start acting like this?! Heck even I started to think you were fed up with him!"
"Well I like to be on my own some time. To have a change in scenery. Is that a crime?"Frank explodes
"No, but did you ever think of telling him that?" Mikey says composed again
"How was I supposed to know he felt like this, I'm not a mind reader" Frank calms down a bit as well. Mikey sighs putting his head into his hands.
"It's Gerard you need to properly talk to and let it all out, not me. I suggest you do it before you leave for tour again." Mikey says getting up from his seat.
"I'll pass on the coffee" he adds before letting himself out of the apartment.
He strides back to the hospital in an even faster pace, trying to get rid of all the frustration. When he sees Gerard he's already by the car clutching his arm, still white in the face and slightly shaking.
"So where did you go?" Gerard asks once they're in the car.
"Just had to take care of some stuff" Mikey says carelessly. Gerard seems to have dropped it but after a couple of minutes of silence he opens his mouth again
"How is he?" his voice barely above a whisper
"Terrible. He misses you." Mikey answers. Gerard swallows back the lump in his throat and concentrates his vision on the road.