The light fell from the window creating a beam, an especially bright patch of sunlight that fell on the kitchen table and half of the chair in the shape of a stretched out square. Gerard moved his hand away so it wouldn't get onto the warm and bright spot and looked up at his brother
"Do I have to do it today?"
"Yes, that's my only condition. Just get it over with." Mikey answers with a sigh
"Get it over with what?" Donna Way asks entering the room, straightening out her skirt with her hands
"Mom, sit down, this isn't going to be pleasant." Gerard says after one last look at Mikey. His mothers face changes from curious to frightened and she sits down looking between her two sons
"So what's this about then?" her voice was meant to come out calm, but it's unsure and quivering.
"I didn't exactly tell you why or how Frank and I broke up." Gerard starts off and fills in the whole story from when he started having his doubts, then the anniversary and everything that followed. Gerard avoided looking at his mother or his brother the whole time he was talking. He kept staring at the table picking on some little scrape and making it bigger with his nail. He didn't know what was he afraid of more, how his mom reacted or having to relive it all over again in his head. Carefully retelling the whole conflict, his unfaithfulness is like pouring salt on his still bleeding wound. His stomach feels empty, not from the lack of food more like someone punched a hole through it and now it's just this big empty gap where he can feel the wind blowing through. His heart is beating unnaturally fast and hard sending the pulses right into his head as it starts to ache. The pain in his head seems to awaken the demons in his mind that keep whispering and weighing him down with the accusations and guilt.
He closes his mouth and takes a deep breath trying to tune out the taunting and laughing in his mind and with one quick movement looks up to his mother. Her eyes are filled with tears ready to roll down her colorless face. Her hand is clasped around her mouth to keep her from interrupting him or breaking down into a sob. She stays like that for a while not daring to move or say anything. Mikey shifts his position in his chair and Donna finally removes her hand from her face and clutches the edge of the table tightly
"Did you- uhm did you check for-?"
"Yes I took him to the doctor today, we should have the results next week." Mikey answers her unfinished question calmly
"Oh dear god how did this happen?" their mother finally lets out in a rush. Both brothers keep quiet letting her have a moment for all of it to sink in.
"I always thought of Frank as a nice man, perfect for you even, but to think he would be capable of acting like such a pig-" she starts saying almost like to herself
"Mom, it wasn't his fault. I'm the one who cheated on him." Gerard perks up suddenly feeling protective
"Gerard don't start again, we've been through this. It's not your fault, you were drugged." Mikey says annoyed
"Yes it is! According to that guy I was going to go with him either way!" he says loudly feeling his heart pump furiously and his head pounding.
"Honey you don't know that. No one does. You had the full right to get mad at him for how he was acting."
Gerard looks between them both, seeing the logic in their words but failing to believe it. It's his fault, it has to be.
"Gerard" Donna starts gently "I know this is a tough time for you and you want to be on your own for a while, but please don't start drinking again. You've been doing so well in the last months. I don't want to see you go down that road again."
"You don't have to worry mom." He assures her "After what happened at the bar, I don't think I'll be drinking any time soon." Gerard says confidently. He's proud of himself in some weird way that during his mental breakdown his will stayed intact, and even grew a bit stronger.
Donna asks Gerard to move back in but he refuses. She has enough worries as it is. He and Mikey make their way out of the house seeing the sky turn darker.
…
Gerard opens his eyes and savors the feeling of his dream where he did nothing more than held Frank in his arms. He clutches the bed sheets desperately trying to imagine it. It felt so real, the warmth of another human being, the softness of skin and the hole in his stomach being filled in like putting back together scattered puzzle pieces into one clear picture again. As he starts to lose memory of his dream the empty feeling returns turning his eyes blank once more. He couldn't tell how much time has passed since that day, was it a week? Or two? Maybe a month?
He hears three sharp knocks on the door.
"Get up and get ready. I'll drive you to work." he hears his brother say. Slowly he starts to remember. It's Monday. More than a week has passed but it feels like ages. Gerard suddenly realizes that going back to work basically means he has to start getting his life back together. He needs to put everything behind him and move on. It's the smart and logical thing to do because he knows that if this continues, it will eventually kill him. His chest aches at the thought of just pushing Frank out of his life and mind, but he has to at least try to lock up all the beasts inside his head again.
He wants to try.
He dresses up without much thought and leaves his room. Alicia is surprised by getting a 'good morning' out of Gerard as he sits down at the table and actually eats something without being told to do so.
Though, as the day progresses Gerard finds it harder to concentrate. He has walked along this street hundreds of times but now it was like he was seeing it for the very first time. Gerard walks down the busy street towards the large company from where his brother dropped him off and can't help but notice the thing around him. A picture of a bird drawn in a black pen, identical to the one Frank has tattooed on his left side, is put up on the window of a tattoo shop as an example. Across from the company there's a small bar called 'Frank's pub'. His guts twist painfully at the sight of a simple coffee machine standing in the big lobby. It's like the universe is taunting him on purpose, making it harder for him to forget.
He has to try.
Gerard feels similar to what he felt on the very first day he was here: nervous, stomach twisting, tired, alone… he wants to run away so bad just like the first time, though the first time he knew he wanted to go home, to bed, staying in a familiar place. Now he just wants to run, for the sake of running, get away leave it all behind, his family, his job, his life. Just to run and never stop.
He ignores the aching in his chest and steps out of the elevator towards his manager's office. He marches fast, eager to be alone again and goes in without knocking again. Any other day he would tell this story to Ray or Bob how he should've really learnt his lesson back then about going in without knocking and have a good laugh about it. Now he just stares at his manager's flustered and red face as he scrambles to turn off the website from which he can hear fake and loud moaning. Gerard should feel embarrassed or at least shocked. He really should. But his face muscles refuse to move or show any sort of emotion. The older man finally turns it off and Gerard can smell the sweat from him standing all the way across the office. He tries to regain his breath, obviously feeling awkward and not knowing what to say
"Good morning, I'm here to pick up my projects for the week." Gerard says plainly.
"Oh right. Well good morning to you too. I hope you had a good holiday. Your projects are on the little cabinet on the left." He answers trying to look professional again. Gerard takes the little stack and leaves without saying another word or looking at the disgusting man. He doesn't understand the 'little holiday' part but then he figures Mikey must've called the office and said he was on vacation or something.
Gerard sets the projects down on the table and opens up the window to freshen up the unused office. The brand new art kit Frank got him for his birthday lays neatly on the table, barely even used. Frank was too busy to make it home so this was one of the times they had a proper conversation even if it was through the phone and Frank had told him where his present was hidden. They stayed up talking half the night.
He takes the first project from the top and gets a fresh piece of paper and stares at it. He can't bring himself to draw or to think. His head feels empty. It takes him a good half hour to think of a single idea when normally he has so many he has trouble picking which one he likes best. The process is slow and forced, but he gets it done till lunch time. He sees the time and grabs another project and keeps his mind on it, trying hard not to let it get to him that he has nowhere to go now, no one to talk to and focuses on the paper in front of him. His hand grips the pencil tightly and brushes it roughly across the paper making a very dark line that will be hard to erase later. On the second attempt he rips the paper with it and ends up throwing the paper in the trash can shaking with frustration. It's barely past 4pm but Gerard is already packing his stuff and leaving seeing as he can't work properly.
He must try.
He calls his brother to tell him he's coming back early and finds his phone already ringing. He knew Mikey seemed to always just know stuff but this was a bit too much. Gerard picks up uncertainly
"Hey, I was just about to call you."
"Really? Why, what is it?" Mikey's out of breath, his voice concerned
"Nothing, I just finished work earlier and since I still don't have a key to the house I was going to ask if anyone was going to be home."
"Oh… I mean yeah, Alicia's home so it's all good." Mikey answers still panting
"Are you running or something? Why did you call me anyway?"
"Your results came in early." he lets out quickly. Gerard freezes, standing still in the middle of the sidewalk
"And?" he asks quietly, already imagining all the possible scenarios in his mind, even the worst. His left hand starts to tremble slightly. For a good 10 seconds Gerard doesn't hear anything just heavy breathing on the other line. As the silence drags on Gerard gets more afraid, he feels a lump forming in his throat.
"C'mon tell me!" he lets out frustrated, ignoring the looks of the people passing by
"You're clean." The younger brother says with confidence in his voice. Gerard heaves a sigh of relief that nearly gives away his knees and for the first time in a while he honestly smiles.
…
The place is new and seems classy. Or maybe it just seems like that because he doesn't go to those expensive restaurants in the centre of the city that often. They are usually overpriced and too crowded but they agreed on having it here. Well Mikey was the one who did all the talking while Gerard sulked on the sofa. In fact he spent the whole day complaining and whining about it. Yet here he is, taking the seat at the reserved table and checking his watch seeing he's 5 minutes early which is unusual for him. Usually he's late for dates.
Gerard gets used to the dim lighting, the dark, slightly uncomfortable chair, fancy lamps above each table when he sees another man wander in looking around slightly confused and nervous. Gerard sighs here we go before putting up his hand and waving at him. The other man sees him, smiles wide and makes his way towards him. Gerard stands up from his chair to shake the man's hand because it's the polite thing to do
"Hi, you must be Gerard, I'm Matt." he smiles warmly before sitting down. Gerard says a quiet nice to meet you and sits down as well.
"Do you like this place?" Matt asks eagerly looking around the restaurant
"Yeah, it's alright. I'm not used to going to these places so it seems so posh to me." Gerard says trying not to seem boring.
"I don't go to these places too often as well actually" Matt admits "It just seemed like a good, cozy place to sit down, have a nice meal and get to know someone as handsome as you" he says a bit shyly.
Gerard smiles from the sudden compliment. He can't remember the last time someone said something like that to him. It has been awhile since he felt wanted or handsome, he forgot how nice that feels.
He looks up staring at his date and decides he needs to rethink his plan. Gerard didn't want to go on this date, he fought and resisted his brothers suggestions and arguments but in the end they reached a compromise: that if Gerard goes on this date, Mikey will leave him alone for the whole week. He planned on just showing up and not putting in much effort into making this date fruitful but now as he's staring at Matt's long face, high cheekbones and radiant, energetic eyes he realizes he actually wants to get to know this person as well.
"So Matt, what is it that you do?" Gerard asks leaning forward a bit.
"I run a small business, nothing too fancy. I heard you are an artist though." he says not faking the fact that he's impressed.
"My brother flatters me too much. I used to sell my paintings for a living but it wasn't working that well until I got a proper job about a year ago. Now I design posters, ad's for the company, that sort of thing. It isn't much but it's enough that I can keep my little apartment." his words just fly out of his mouth.
"Must be great though, doing what you love and making a living out of it." Matt says flipping through the menu. Gerard takes a moment thinking and smiles slightly
"Yeah, I guess it's pretty great."
The conversations are not as fake or forced as Gerard imagined they would be. It's easy and nice and comfortable. Sitting there, chatting with someone but as hard as Gerard tried he couldn't imagine it ever going past that. It's fun just talking like friends, but the thought of anything more felt wrong to him and he couldn't understand why. Matt was a perfectly handsome guy, interesting to talk to. It's been more than half a year after he last saw or spoke with Frank, then why is it so hard for him to move on?
Maybe it was because he never really forgave himself. He didn't accept the fact that it wasn't his fault and the guilt is still eating at him, not as fiercely as before but it still is. He still sometimes has nightmares and feels his heart twinge at the sight of a project where he has to design a poster for his band but he keeps it all inside and he's gotten good at it. He locked up everything for good, got his life back together just like he wanted.
The dinner is over in a flash. They talk so much they don't even notice that half of the restaurant is empty by the time they decide to leave. Matt offers to drive Gerard home since he still doesn't have a car and they chat some more even as they've already stopped near Gerard's building.
"I should really be going." Gerard says checking his watch.
"Oh, well then…" Matt says unsure of what to do now. He leans in and puts a quick peck on Gerard's lips "I had so much fun tonight, I really do hope we can do it again."
Gerard takes a few moments to himself, smiles warmly and says "Yeah me too and sure I'll give you a call then." and gets out of the car, waves a goodbye and walks away hearing the car drive off to the street.
He closes his eyes for a moment. It was a nice evening and he enjoyed himself a lot, all those things suggest that he should really call him some time. Then he touches his lips with the tips of his fingers trying to remember how he felt. If his heart skipped a beat or his stomach twisted when another pair of lips touched his, trying to recall craving more. He opens his eyes again and walks the rest of the way towards his apartment with a defeated look.
He felt absolutely nothing.