Sorry for the delay, please enjoy!
* * * Ch. 4 – CHANGE (Deftones) * * *
It didn't surprise me in the least. Not whenever Faye suddenly wanted to stay in Mars longer. Not when three days after having met him, she received a call from the commissioner. Not even when she blatantly answered her communicator while everyone was sitting in the living room.
"Hello," she began. "Yes, yes…Of course not!...That's not something you should ask so suddenly…What do you mean?" She's sitting with her bare feet on the edge of the couch, her legs crossed and close to her chest. "Yeah, I know…I guess…but I understand…Today?" She stands up and begins to walk away. "You're not being serious are you?...No, it's just that, like I've said, it's very sudden…"
My eyes follow her as she leaves…but so do Jet's.
"That's the commissioner, isn't it?" he says, staring at me almost as if trying to catch the slightest reaction.
"Probably," I answer, calmly moving my eyes away from the corridor and towards the chess game Ed is playing. Ed seems about to move the bishop, but her hand lingers above it. She sighs and crosses her arms as she intently stares at the board again. "Does it shock you?" I ask Jet, trying to turn things around on him.
"A little," he answers easily. I glance at him. He continues, "It's only been a couple of days, but I expected it to happen sooner."
"Sooner…Why?"
"I don't know. I guess there's something about them."
I cross my arms behind my head and lean back on the couch. 'Something about them.' Could he be speaking about that unusual normalcy between the two even though they were complete strangers?
"That's hard to understand isn't it?" Jet says resting his arms on his knees and leaning forward.
"Not really," I say. "It's not like I'm an idiot."
"Or at least, that's what you think," Faye says sarcastically as she enters the room.
Her words catch me off guard. I turn to where her voice is. So does Jet. And even Ed. I'm about to spite her but she stares at me like I'm interrupting something. Then, we notice that her communicator is still at her ear as she walks away into the kitchen. We turn back awkwardly, pretending none of us had reacted. Ed begins to giggle. But when I look at her, she makes her smile disappear almost instantaneously, but only after having extend it from ear to ear. Then, she looks at the board again and resumes her serious, thinking mode.
Jet stands up. "I'm going out," he begins. "When Faye gets finished with that call, tell her that, no matter what, we're leaving Friday."
I lean further back to see him as he leaves the room.
"Where are we going?"
"Earth."
"There's nothing there."
"I know, but Ed wants to go visit and I'm tired of being here."
I close my eyes after he says that, sliding down the couch until I'm slouching as far back as I can. I'm not tired, but I do feel like sleeping. Maybe it's because I have nothing to do.
I sit there for about ten minutes. But then, Faye comes in and asks Ed to help her with her nails.
When I hear her finish her sentence, I automatically say, "We're leaving Friday."
"What?" she says absentminded.
"We're leaving Friday."
"Will you help me?" I hear her asking Ed again, having pretty much ignored me. "They all have to be the same color though."
Ed glances at the board and finally decides to move the knight. She gets onto her feet and follows Faye out of the room in one swift motion. I look around and stare at the chessboard on the floor. I try to figure out what's going on but the board is levels beyond me. Ein wakes up from his slumber under the coffee table. He sniffs the air and leaves the room quickly. And then I'm left alone.
I pick up a deck of cards from the corner of the table and set up a solitaire game. As I'm moving through the set, I notice that there is an extra ace and that the seven of hearts and the queen of spades are missing. Faye and Jet had used them last. I wonder if I should ask Faye for the missing cards.
A little before eight, Faye and Ed finally emerge from their room. Ed's got red lipstick clumsily placed on her lips and she's wearing the white sheet of her bed as a toga-styled dress. Besides her, Faye looks like she always does when she dresses up. Except, she 'seems' somewhat different today. It's not necessarily the way she's dressed, it's something else that I can't pinpoint.
They sit in the living room, waiting. Ed glances at the chessboard somewhat impatiently since her opponent has not taken turn yet. Faye has her purse tightly held in one hand and continuously runs her hand through her hair making sure that all the strands are in place.
Then she gets a call.
She stares at her communicator letting it ring three times exactly before picking up. "Hey...Yeah, I'm ready…Okay, see you in a bit." She ends the call and then says, "I'm leaving now."
"Bye-bye!" Ed shouts as Faye leaves.
I hide my amusement. This type of thing, it's just like Faye became a teenager with a crush. Seeing this from the outside is peculiar. Or rather, back when she cared, why had I never wondered much on how she behaved towards me? I mean, I noticed. But noticing something and seriously thinking about it are two completely different things. She didn't look like that for me…did she?
"Spike-person," Ed says unexpectedly quietly.
"What is it?" I respond nonchalantly, forcing myself away from my thoughts.
"This commissioner-person…Ed doesn't like him."
I stare at her face. She's so stern about this, but at the same time, so worried. It's not an expression befitting her face. In fact, I can't even tell if she's being serious or not. "Why is that?" I ask her.
"Because…Faye-Faye said she liked this commissioner-person."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"No," she responds unhesitant.
I sigh, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "Why?"
"Because…Ed doesn't like this commissioner-person for Faye-Faye!" she says persistently.
I can't respond...am I supposed to say something? I'm not sure I have anything of importance to say. Still, Ed's eyes are so intently focused I feel required to continue speaking. "But you haven't met him," I say. As the words leave my lips, I can't help but wonder, why the hell am I defending him?
"Spike-person has," Ed says sitting cross-legged right in front of me.
"Not really."
"Spike-person doesn't like him either?"
"Why would you say that?" I ask her. But to be honest, I haven't even considered where my opinion stands with the commissioner…She may be right, or at least, I think I'm leaning more towards that end.
Ed lifts her index finger and points directly at my eyes. "They matched."
"What?" I say surprised. "…No Ed, my eyes don't match." Her hand is still hovering inches away from my face so I push it away.
"They looked the same…When Faye-Faye was chit-chatting."
"They can't," I insist getting a little irritated.
"But they both looked gloomy. Doesn't that mean they match?" She tilts her head towards the left and sits there like a human version of Ein, waiting for me to say something.
It makes me smirk. "You're not old enough to say such philosophical things…Besides, I look gloomy all the time. And I don't really know enough about that guy to say anything…" But Ed stares at me with eyes that yell out her curiosity. "Listen," I pause to consider his character before I continue, "he's a normal looking person. Wears glasses. He's very good at his job…I suppose, sociable. That's all really."
The opponent's pawn moves on the chessboard. Ed turns to see the change quickly. She glances at me one more time then becomes completely distracted, leaping away from her sitting pose only to assume it again once she has positioned herself in front of the board. She supports her chin with her hand and immerses herself. I stand up from the couch and go lie down in my room, grateful that Ed's focus could sometimes be swayed so easily.
Jet comes back at around nine and, after a late dinner, we sit and talk for a while. Ed has been doing nothing but playing chess. But by ten thirty, I'm the only one left that is still awake. Having taken a nap earlier, I don't feel tired and I decide to watch a movie that is playing tonight.
The movie starts out too slow, but then it takes off pretty fast. It's just a basic action movie. A 'regular' guy with an uneventful life finding himself in the middle of something unexpectedly unusual. A hot chick. Lots of fighting. Lots of shooting. A boring romance plot used as an excuse to have an extended sex scene. The usual stuff.
Regardless of how predictable it is, I sit through it loosely paying attention to the scenes. Tomorrow I have nothing to do, so staying up late and watching this movie gives me an excuse to sleep all day long. It's barely turned eleven-thirty, I wonder how much longer the movie will take before it ends and whether or not I should just give up on watching it.
"You're up?" I hear.
I think I'm hallucinating or something, but Faye's steady breathing reassures me that she's really there. I hadn't been paying attention, and I didn't even notice her coming in.
"Yeah," I say glancing at her, wondering why she is back this early.
"Are Ed and Jet awake too?" she continues casually.
"No, it's just me."
"Oh, I see…" She glances at the movie just when a scantily clad woman slams the hero against the wall. It's just at the part when the woman is trying to seduce the guy away from what is 'right.' And then, of course, it cuts to a commercial break.
Faye is standing like some sort of mannequin, her eyes blankly staring at the screen, holding her clutch bag in front of her with both of her hands. Her flawless shoulders tilted forward and her chin is a bit low. The light from the screen makes her skin look even paler and casts heavy shadows on her. The way she's standing, it makes me believe that she wants to talk to someone. I know I'm not the person for it, but it's still hard to ignore it. Her eyes stare at me with a vacant expression that seems to gradually turn to one of sadness and then happiness.
Between Faye and I, the most uncomfortable times are whenever we're seemingly done speaking to each other. Because of this, it feels like we never actually finish a conversation and we're left dealing with an awkward silence. Today is no exception. After the usual uncomfortable break, Faye finally picks up the train of her dress and turns away from me. I face the screen again and wait for the movie to begin. But then, I hear the sudden stop of Faye's heels.
"…Spike," she says abruptly. I don't have time to respond because I'm not even sure she called out to me. "Good night."
The way her voice rings in my ears, I can definitely tell she's happy about something, even if I can't tell what it is. I expect it has something to do with the commissioner, but I really don't think about it. Or rather, I guess I don't want to think about it. What surprises me, and what I focus in, is that I hadn't heard her saying that to me in a long while. It takes a moment for it to really sink in. I know saying good night to someone isn't much of an event, but. Still…
"Night," I answer somewhat uncomfortably and watch her as she disappears down the dark hall.
After she leaves, when I know that I'm alone again, I have this need to keep analyzing her voice as if it revealed some sort of secret. I completely ignore the movie as I hear Faye's voice telling me good night over and over again. I do this even through the movie credits.
Yes, she's happy. But it isn't just that. It's impossible for me to ignore this part of it anymore and I finally began to think about it: she's happy because the commissioner makes her feel that way. And then, I find myself repeating this incessantly. Faye is happy because of the commissioner. She is happy being with the commissioner. Faye is happy. Faye is happy. Faye is happy…
This is a good thing, I tell myself. This is a good thing-for Faye. I have to word it this way, or otherwise, I get defensive about it. I know it's wrong for me to feel this way, but I can't help and be a little jealous knowing that Faye has started to find happiness while I'm unable to change this life of disappointment.
It's fine that she has managed to surpass me and move ahead. It's fine that for once I'm the one that's stuck watching her move ahead. All of this is fine.
No matter how many times I keep repeating this to myself, it doesn't work well enough. I think, I don't want to be here. That's how anything that becomes too bothersome for me ends, with me realizing that I have nothing. With me knowing that I shouldn't be here. With me wanting to go to the past.
But the truth is, none of it lasts. Not even this dejection. Because right after thinking all these things, my mindset always reminds me that I'm wrong and that there's nothing I can do about it. So, I'm left feeling like it's somehow my responsibility to deal with this lack of I don't even know what.
Although we leave Mars, Faye continues to keep in touch with the commissioner. It's very bothersome because if there's a hunt that we need to take care of as a team, we have to schedule everything to fit her new calendar. This means that Fridays and Saturdays are unavailable, plus whatever other day the commissioner and her decide to meet.
After six months of this, he isn't just the commissioner anymore. Or at least, even though he still holds the position, for some strange reason, I can't refer to him like that anymore. To everyone in the ship, he has become just Damian. Which is odd because I don't even speak to the guy. Everything that I know about him, which isn't much to begin, are all things that Faye has somehow managed to get me to remember. Not to say that she wants me to remember them exactly, but they are things that come up and just manage to stick to my head. Some of them are really useless things, like the name of his secretary is not really Kat but Kathryn. Some have more relevancy; he's allergic to watermelon. But I don't know how or why it matters to me.
What does concern me is Faye. Being with Damian changed her. She's become, how do I put this…gentler. From things Faye says sometimes, it feels like Damian's much calmer and less aggressive than she is. So it feels as if she's unconsciously become this way so that she can match him better. Or maybe it's just that his personality is rubbing off on her.
But I guess I should be thankful for that. After all, because of it, Faye is speaking to me again. And I mean really speaking, not just forcing words to make things appear as if they're okay. Which is nice I suppose.
Except that it feels like I'm not talking to her anymore. It's like I'm talking to someone different. Even when we're bounty hunting, when I would expect her to return to her old self, she doesn't. So, I'm left dealing with this person who, for a renewed reason, I don't know well enough.
Sometimes, I try very hard to ignore this change. I mean, if I watch her closely enough, I can tell that she's still Faye. And maybe that's what bothers me. Maybe I think that her actual self is still completely there, trying to come out. But I also feel I could be wrong about this. Because, if I watch her for a longer time, it really does seems that this new Faye really is what she was from the very beginning. The way her eyes look, and the way she smiles…they all remind me of her features in the video I saw of her as a girl.
At least Faye is happy. I don't think she could hide this from anyone. Simply for this reason, everything that has changed is fine. I may not like it; but my opinion doesn't matter. Not even if knowing this change is risking my and, more importantly, her life. If I die, I die. That doesn't bother me. But Faye is happy now and I don't think this bliss let's her see that we can't bounty hunt together like we did before.
I can't tell what she's thinking and she can't read me like she used to. Jet was the first to notice this. I didn't know what he meant for a while, but by the third big hunt, I knew exactly what he meant. Simply put, Faye and I don't match anymore.
Although the times we work together are becoming fewer, every time we have a job, we have to rely heavily on planning. It's a bother. Sometimes, we even have to cover the smallest of details. Something we didn't need before. Of course, when something doesn't go as planned, we're basically fucked.
Unfortunately, such occasion happens too often and sometimes I can't just ignore it, as is the case today.
"Damn it Faye," I grunt through my gritted teeth. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"Me!" she responds coming closer. "What were you doing there?"
It's hard for me to stand up. My left side is aching and I can feel the blood slithering through my skin, the fabric of my clothes, and into my hands. I press the wound trying to prevent too much loss of blood. I fall on my knees and lean forward, trying very hard to control my body from shaking. At this point, I wish she'd aimed and shot right through my chest.
"Let me see," she says, quickly kneeling besides me. She tries to take my hands away from my side, but seems unsure of whether this would be a good idea at all.
"Ugh," I say noticing her hesitating to do anything, "Damn it. Just call Jet, or just do something."
"I was trying to see if you were fine," she says a bit frustrated. She pulls out her communicator and reaches Jet quickly.
The wound isn't going to kill me. The bullet didn't actually hit any of my organs; but it managed to tear through the skin and some muscle of my side badly. Though I see the blood covering my hands, I still can't believe this happened. Or that it hurts this much.
So far, this has got to be the worst screw up we've had. I want to blame it all on her, but I know part of it is my fault as well. In spite of that, why the hell doesn't she do anything? No matter how many times this has happened to me, it still hurts. It really hurts.
Faye ends the transmission and stays besides me, watching. I can't open my eyes. Though I'm trying very hard to ignore the ache, I can't. Regardless of how hard I try, I'm still writhing in pain in front of her. I can't remember whether or not she's actually seen me at the instant I'm hurt. So, having her see me acting like this, it's embarrassing.
"Jet'll be here soon," she tells me sounding concerned. Her voice is very soft and somehow manages to comfort me a little.
I nod and shut my eyes tightly before forcing them open for a second. "Okay," I say after a deep breath, trying to calm my voice down and make her believe I really am okay. I know that since she's been with Damian, she get's worried easily.
She moves in a little closer and her shoulder touches mine. I open my eyes and glance at her. She looks at me then moves her hands over mine, helping me add pressure on the wound. "I'm…sorry," she says.
My hands stop shaking, but I feel guilty. "Don't…" I say.
"No. It really is my fault…I can't believe I've become like this."
"What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb," she tells me a bit bitterly.
"Fine, fine," I respond. "Then if you already know, why don't you do something about it?"
She stays very quiet. I shift my hands over the wound and she takes hers away from mine. Her palms are all covered in red. I don't think she realizes this because she let's her hands fall on her knees. By the time she notices, her thighs are smeared red as well. She doesn't seem to be bothered and waits for my hands to settle over the wound before helping me add pressure again.
"I don't know," she tells me quietly. "Maybe this is really what I've always wanted."
Faye's being too serious about this. I don't know what to say. And, somehow, the only thing that I can think of is, "Yeah, I already know you want to kill me."
Before, I'm sure that she would have gotten angry with me. But that was before Damian. Now, it's something we can talk about without being too grim. Something that doesn't seem to matter to her anymore.
Her voice lightens up and she says, "And I missed again, didn't I?"
Soon after that, Jet arrives. He takes care of my wound and then helps me get to the Bebop. Afterwards, I lie down on the yellow couch and fall asleep. When I wake up, I'm alone in the living room. I stare up at the ceiling and begin to count the small bolts, trying to distract my mind from the throbbing on my side. After a few minutes, I try to sit up and see if I can do something that is less pathetic.
"Don't sit up," I hear Jet ordering me.
I don't think I could have anyway, so I let my attempt fail and lie down again. "What time is it?" I ask him lazily.
"It's about six-forty now."
"This late already."
"You slept a lot."
There's something that's been on my mind for a while and I let Jet know, "You're not going to ask how this happened? Or did Faye already tell you."
"I don't need to ask," he tells me. "I'm sure I have a vague idea of what happened and it's probably a stupid mistake anyway."
"You think?"
"You both screwed up. Isn't that all there really is to it?"
"I guess…" I say, "…I'm hungry, is there anything to eat?"
"Bounty got away," he responds, "the only thing we have is ramen."
But unlike us, Faye isn't having cupped noodles for dinner. According to Jet, Damian had called her earlier and she had gone to dinner with him. I bet right now she's enjoying some really good food. Drinking some really good wine. Having a really good time.
"Where's Ed?" I ask suddenly realizing that it was surprisingly quiet.
"She's been hiding since she and Faye," he begins but stops abruptly. "How should I say this…"
It seems like something is vexing him a lot. But I can't think of anything that would have caused him to act that way…It's kind of funny, or I guess, finding humor in this is the only thing I can do to keep today from being such a pain. "Just say it," I tell him.
"…They fought."
"Huh?" I ask puzzled, as if I hadn't understood the simplicity of his statement.
"They fought."
"Yes, I already heard that. But why?"
"I'm not quite sure."
"You're lying," I tell him. It's obvious by the tone of voice he'd used.
He chuckles and scratches the back of his head, "After you fell asleep, they were talking in the kitchen."
"Yeah, I remember that vaguely."
"And you didn't hear anything?"
"No," I say closing my eyes and yawning. "Just mumbling. I fell asleep pretty quickly after that. What else would you expect with the painkillers I took?"
"Well, Ed found out how you got hurt…I think she got a bit upset because of it. But they were fine. Then Faye began getting ready to leave with Damian. After that, that's when they really began fighting. They were just shouting at each other, with most of what Ed said just being random things and Faye telling her to shut up."
"Is that even considered a fight?" I ask.
"Well, through all the shouting, apparently, they were actually discussing something. I didn't catch it, but Faye told me right before she left since I asked her if anything was wrong…She looked really upset before leaving."
"Then what was it about?"
"Damian…It seems that Ed just told Faye that she didn't like him." As he tells me this, it's obvious he just found out too.
"She's still with that," I say unconsciously. I stop and wince. All the painkillers must be making my mind too lax; otherwise, I wouldn't have let something like that slip.
"You knew already, since when?" Jet asks.
"She told me a long time ago, I think it was the first time Faye and him went out. But I didn't really…I don't know, I didn't think that Ed would be able to dislike someone. Besides, it's not like she's the one dating Damian. It really shouldn't matter much whether she likes him or not."
"That's not it though. As I talked with Faye, Ed came by and told her that she should at least stay home tonight. When Faye asked why, Ed said that it had been Faye's fault that you were hurt and that she should at least worry a little bit about you." He pauses. I think I'm supposed to say something, but I can't. Seeing this, Jet continues, "Faye told her that she knew. But that she had already promised Damian; and that either way, she wasn't going to stop seeing him just because Ed didn't like him or because you were hurt."
"That's expected…I guess."
"Then the last part…Ed said something like 'you just don't care about any of us anymore' and then she stuck her tongue out at her and ran away before Faye could say anything."
"Ah," I say, "so Ed's jealous because Damian's getting all of Faye's attention."
"I suppose," Jet says slowly. "But what Ed said must be true, because Faye saw me standing there and she just looked down and said really quickly that she had to go. Seeing this, it's like being thrown out or something…I think, thinking about it that way, I even became a little jealous too. Wouldn't you?"
My back is aching, so I decide to turn to my unwounded side. I move very slowly, but the shifting disrupts the bandaging. "Ugh…my side still hurts," I say after resting on my right and facing Jet.
He says, "See, I bet that if Faye wasn't with Damian so much, you wouldn't be hurt right now."
"We should just stop talking about him," I say a bit annoyed, "He doesn't really have anything to do with us-"
"But because Faye spends so much time with him, I think she expects everyone to act like him. That's why you ended up like this. She thinks that you'll react to things like Damian would."
"I think…I've already realized that…"
"And that doesn't bother you?"
I don't answer him. Since Faye has been with Damian, I think Jet has been trying to get my opinion on things that somehow relate to their relationship. Somehow, I've managed to evade most of everything. But recently, he's become more persistent. I think he's starting to worry about her now, but I'm not really sure.
To be honest, I don't know how it would help if I admitted anything. This is Faye's relationship and she's happy. But Jet's, I'm guessing, 'fatherly' or something or another instinct says otherwise. Lucky for me, I don't have to say anything again since I can hear Ed running towards the living room. I hear her coming closer and closer and then I realize that she's probably going to try to jump on me. "No Ed!" I say quickly.
She stops her momentum by colliding against the back of the yellow couch. Even then, she manages to create a shock that ends up hurting me either way. I clutch my side and grunt a bit.
"Spike-person is awake!" Ed says grinning widely. It's odd, but I can actually tell that this is all just for show. She does seem frustrated about something, and I don't even know how it's possible for me to tell this. "Ed's going to take care of Spi-Spi!" she says.
"I'm fine," I say quickly, fearing that having Ed constantly besides me will end up making the injury worse. But in this, I notice that she's somehow trying to make up for what she believes is Faye's responsibility.
As Jet stands up from the couch and begins walking to the kitchen, he tells her, "C'mon, help me make dinner for him."
"Okay," she says running after him, "Ed knows how to boil water!"
I watch her run away and by body relaxes a little bit. As I let my muscles loosen up, the throbbing on my side burns until the movement ends. My mind is still numb from the meds that I had taken earlier, but not enough to disregard the ache. It feels like maybe the painkillers are wearing off and I wonder whether it's time for me to take another dose. So, I lay there waiting and feeling the pain eating me meticulously.
As I feel this, I question whether it would've been better to be killed by Faye way back when…or even now. Either way, I don't think I would mind dying if she were the one to kill me.
Yeah, she's changed being with Damian, but even if she's restraining it, very deep down inside of her, I think she really still wants to argue with me and hit me and punch me and, well, shoot me. Or maybe with these thoughts I'm trying to compensate for something that isn't there.
I open my eyes when I hear Ed counting her steps. She's carefully carrying one cup of noodles on each of her hands. Jet is behind her carrying his cup and chopsticks for everyone. I sit up very slowly, biting my bottom lip as the stinging carries across my side. I exhale heavily when I finally get myself to sit up straight.
Ed tries to feed me, but I manage to convince her otherwise. Although we eat quietly, I'm sure that we're all thinking about Faye. I guess we're finally realizing that she doesn't belong with us anymore. Or at least, I don't think that she can keep on like this much longer.
I'm the worst person to say this, but, Faye can't let go of her past. I think, although she's aware of her change, she can't let go of who she was yet. Even though she's not fit for it any longer, she still wants to hold down to the belief that she can chase people down at gunpoint. That she and I can still work together. That she is still a bounty huntress.
But this is not who she is right now. Instead, she's become a normal woman, pursuing a normal relationship with a normal man. I…am not particularly fond of this. But that's not something I can tell her since I have no right to interfere in anything she does. Regardless of how much the change in her bugs me.
I remain sitting down until I finish my food and take my next dose of painkillers. It takes about fifteen minutes after that for my head to feel really drowsy. Another five minutes after that, even though it's still relatively early, I fall asleep on the couch again.
My mind is blank and the next thing I remember is being woken up by the smell of perfume mixed with alcohol and cigarette smoke. It's hard for me to get my eyes to open, but I finally force myself to do it. It's dark, but not enough to keep me blinded. After blinking a few times, I make out the silhouette of her slender shoulders and long neck.
"Faye," I whisper nearly inaudibly as my eyes continue to clear her features.
"I didn't mean to wake you," she says quietly, but it's as if she actually doesn't mean it. I stare at her while she continues, "Why aren't you in bed?"
"I don't feel like moving…" I say lazily. And since I'm halfway asleep, "It still hurts."
"Ah," she says hesitantly, "I'm sorry."
Hearing her talk like this shakes the sleep away. What exactly is she sorry for? Is she sorry for having shot me? Or is she sorry for missing? Is she sorry for waking me up? Or is she sorry for going out with Damian while I'm stuck to this couch, wounded? I don't know why, but it just pisses me off.
Jet is right. It really is like being thrown out. And…it really does bother me more than it should.
"Ugh," I mumble unconsciously, "it must be the painkillers."
"What?"
"Nothing," I tell her. But it must be the medicine that's making me so upset about this; my mind is hazy. The medicine is not letting me think clearly and I'm coming up with a rationale that I wouldn't have otherwise.
We stay quiet for a few seconds until Faye finally speaks again. She says, "Are you going to sleep here, wouldn't it be better for you to be in bed?"
"No," I say trying to clear my head, "I'm staying here."
"Is it that bad?...The pain, I mean."
"It's nothing that I'm not used to."
"You should go to your bed then."
"Why are you so persistent about this?" I say sitting up on my elbows.
Faye walks closer to me and kneels down, managing to bring our eyes to the same level. She gives one quick glance down then says very straightforwardly, "Damian asked me to move in with him."
I'm not sure I heard what she said correctly. It's like her words slithered from one side of my head to the other, not giving my brain enough time to process the information. Faye doesn't say anything, so now I'm positive that what I think I heard is right.
"What does one thing have to do with the other?" I stutter a bit, unsure of what it is that I'm supposed to do in this type of situation.
"Well," she begins hesitantly, "Ed doesn't like Damian." This much I already know and having heard it earlier today, it just doesn't have any impact. Faye stares at me for a while, I suppose, expecting these news to have some sort of effect, but seeing none continues. "We fought. And well, I just don't think I can sleep in our room. Specially now that Damian has asked me this."
"…Would you have if he hadn't asked you?"
"Probably," she answers quickly. "But he has…"
"Why would you have?" I ask, fully aware that I'm trying to steer the conversation away from the second subject.
"Because," she says and pauses. She doesn't really answer my question and instead replies, "I never thought that me being with Damian bothered Ed so much…and worse, I talked to her a lot about him. Even when I came back late, she would listen to what I had to say."
"Then just don't talk to her about it."
"But it's hard for me not to," she says slightly frustrated. "This is something even I wasn't expecting and it's hard not to bring it up since I'm thinking about it so much."
After she finishes speaking, I can't say anything back. Doing and saying nothing feels awkward, so I lay back down with my head over my crossed hands. Faye doesn't move, so I lay there staring at her just slightly above me. Her eyes focused in the darkness. Saying nothing, it makes me realize that she's using me as Ed's substitute. And suddenly, I feel very sorry for Ed. I'm impressed with the kid's ability to deal with this; I don't know how she did it. Hearing Faye tell me these things, just this one time, it really is uncomfortable. I mean, I don't think I could have put up with it for as long as Ed did.
Faye sighs. She crosses her arms right next to my wounded side and lets her head fall carefully on them. "Just go to your bed," I hear her muffled voice.
She looks so pathetic.
I hate seeing her like this. Yet, I can't do anything about it, even if I feel like grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her until all the uselessness is removed from her body. I just don't understand how Damian would prefer for Faye to be like this having had the chance to meet her as she was before.
"Please," she adds even more meekly.
Watching her in this state makes me feel responsible for something I don't exactly know. I feel that I should somehow try to fix it. Because, I think that in a normal situation, I'm supposed to somehow comfort her. If I were able to do that, I could just lift my arm from under my head and place it over her shoulder. If I could tell her anything, I could just say everything would be fine and not to worry. But things between Faye and I have never been normal. This has never been my place and I can't do any of that. Specially now, for that, she has Damian.
Damian is the one that she spends her time with. Damian is the one that she talks to. Damian is the one that she can be comforted by. Damian is the one with whom she laughs. Damian is the one that she thinks about freely. Damian is the one that she sleeps with unashamedly. Damian is the one. And that's all there is to it.
Shit…I'm jealous.
I know it's wrong for me to feel this way. I'm being just like Ed, but today it seems like there is no other way for me to feel. It's been dismal and everything just seems to find its root to the fact that Faye is with Damian. Is it really possible that Faye's attachment to him is that strong?
"Sleep in my bed," I tell her.
"Wh…What?" she says lifting her face away from her arms.
"Just go to my room. Sleep there…Or what? Will Damian get jealous if you sleep in another man's bed?"
"Don't be stupid," she tells me, "just go to your room so I can sleep here."
"You must really hate me if you can't even sleep in my room," I say absently.
"I don't hate you," she says just as idly.
"Then just go," I repeat. "I'm not moving. And since you're so determined to sleep here as well, do you think Damian would rather you slept with me or in my room?"
"Stop bringing Damian up," she orders me.
"But weren't you the one that spoke about him first?" Hearing no response from her I say, "I'm tired, just go to my room so I can fall asleep again. "
She takes a while to answer, "Fine."
She's about to rise to her feet again when I realize that she's wearing that dress that she always has to get Ed's help to unzip. I wouldn't have noticed, but when she moves, the broach on her chest, the one that's located on the neckline of the dress just where her breasts meet, shines an eerie pink color against the fabric and the light reflecting against her smooth chest turns blue.
"Why do you still have that dress?" I ask carelessly.
"What do you mean?"
"Isn't it the one with the broken zipper?"
"Ah," she says annoyed, "that's right…I'd nearly forgotten." Then, she asks surprised, "How do you know this?"
"When you wear it, you always ask Ed for help."
"You notice that?"
"I guess…" I say and wonder what she would think if she knew that watching others is the only thing that has kept me from letting a life full of nothing kill me.
"…This is the dress I wore when I went out with Damian the first time…"
Totally expected. Damian this, Damian that. Wasn't she the one just asking me to stop talking about him earlier? It annoys me. It really does…those stupid meds. They're making me lose control of myself and I end up feeling like this.
"So what are you going to do? Are you going to get Ed's help this time too?" I ask.
"You know I can't…I'm sure I can get it," she says as she moves her hands to the back of her dress. She fumbles with it as if testing out if she would really be able to undo it. She plays with it for a few seconds, but it seems to me that she'll be unsuccessful. It's a bit frustrating to watch her. If she needs my help, can't she just ask for it?
I should tell her that I'd take care of it first. But I don't. Instead, I ignore the pain of my side and sit up, wrapping my arms around her without considering whether she really wants my help or not. The movements of her hands die and her hands fall to her sides as soon as my fingertips hover over hers.
"Is it really that difficult?" I ask running my fingers above the zipper head. Faye doesn't tell me anything, but I don't know whether that's from the shock of suddenly getting so close to her or not.
I pull down on the zipper with normal force, but there is no movement. Then, I realize that there's a hook at the very top, right above the zipper. To get a firmer grip on the hook, I slide my thumbs between her warm skin and the dress, feeling my nails digging slightly into her flesh. I pull the ends of the dress being connected closer to loosen the fasting. Faye's body twitches when the dress tightens over her chest and I feel her irregular breath against my cheek. Her chin shifts lower after I complete the motion, and since we're this close, her head ends up resting on my shoulder. I'm the one caught off guard now and I glance over at her realizing that Damian had been the only man allowed to do something like this in a good while.
Noticing this, I can't help but wonder whether she's thinking about him right now. Even though I'm the one who she's been talking with. Even though I'm the one that's helping her right now. Even though I'm the one whose arms are around her. Even though I'm the one whose hands are touching her skin. Even thought I'm not him, is that who she's thinking about?
I try to stop assessing my baseless resentment and move my hands to the zipper head again. I hold the two ends of the dress together with one hand and grip the small zipper tightly. I try to simply pull the zipper down, but I can't. Just before pulling, I purposely slide my thumb to the top of the zipper head, allowing my fingertip to touch the softness over her spine. I feel her skin crawling at the contact and wait for the goose bumps to spread as her shoulders shrink closer to her body. Then, I selfishly let my thumb trace her back as I finally pull the zipper down, making sure that the motion is much slower than necessary.
"There…You made it look like it was much harder," I whisper in her ear, aware that my thumb still hasn't left the skin of her lower back. She doesn't tell me anything. I smirk at this and unhurriedly move myself away from her.
She remains motionless for just a second before she grips the front of her dress in place and stands up leisurely. "I guess I really need to get it fixed," she says.
"I guess…If you need sleeping clothes," I say to her, "just look through the bottom drawer of my dresser."
"…Okay…" she says.
"Good night," I tell her as I lay down.
"Night," she responds vaguely, even though the rhythm of her heels is already disappearing towards the direction of my room.
I'm being both very egotistical and hypocritical. But I really am very curious about this. How would she react after having me acting this way? With the lingering contact of my thumb over her back, sleeping in my room between the sheets of my bed, wearing my clothes. Even then, would she still not be able to forget about Damian for a little while? I don't know whether something like this is possible or not, but I fall asleep believing that just for one night, she's not thinking about him.
When I wake up the next morning, it's already eleven. I'm alone in the living room and the throbbing soreness of my side has extended unto my chest. I manage to sit up, and as my feet touch the cold floor, I have this odd feeling of bitterness.
I hear the pitter-patter of Ein's feet and then Ed's awkward footsteps.
She moves slowly and sits cross-legged on the floor across from me. The whites of her eyes are an off-color and her lips look dry. Has she been crying? She picks up Ein from the floor and hugs him tightly although he tries to escape her grasp.
"Spi-Spi," she says hugging Ein a bit tighter. He yelps a little and Ed loosens her arms around him. "Faye-Faye…she…" then she puffs her cheeks and exhales quickly, letting her lips pulsate with the motion. "Poof!" she says, releasing Ein and gesticulating an explosion with her hands.
I stare at her blankly.
"Faye-Faye left."
My blood seems to freeze for a second, but that's the only physical reaction I have hearing this. "…I guess it was bound to happen…" I say evenly.
"Yup," Ed responds. I think that she's behaving too calmly, but then I notice the corners of her mouth quivering a little. She stands up and picks up Ein again. As she carries him, her face hides behind Ein's furry body. "But Faye-Faye is happy!" she says with an unnatural enthusiasm.
"That's right," I lie as well, "she's happy, so it's fine."
She nods energetically and walks out of the room still carrying Ein over her face.
I don't move and it feels like either time is forcing itself to slow down or my mind is running with an unnatural speed. But it's just; I don't understand Faye at all anymore. It caught me completely off-guard that she would leave. Not because she hasn't done something like this before, but because it's something she didn't do anymore. More importantly, somehow, I didn't anticipate that Faye would want to stay with Damian in that way. No matter how much she seems to care for him, I never really believed that she would seriously enter that sort of permanent relationship. And now, I can't seem to accept this change that's caused her eyes to be so gentle for someone else.
* * * Ch. 4 End, Continued on Ch. 5 * * *
Updates: I should be back on schedule; so next Friday should be the next update.
About the titles: By far, the easiest title to find…
Interesting fact(s): Umm…what can I say about this one…at the time I think I was disappointed in the movie Wanted. A lot of my friends had really hyped me up for it, but when I watched it I thought it was nothing special…so…yeah…Something better, Ed calling "Spi-Spi," I think she called him this in one or two of the mangas for CB…Although not necessarily canon, I'm pretty fond of the manga versions, so I figured I'd use this much here.
Please review. Until next time!