Fact: The White House was burned down by Canadian soldiers during the War of 1812 (in 1814).
Rioting, fighting, cursing, and shouting, erupted from America's backyard. Tables and chairs, assorted meats and cheeses, napkins and utensils, melted ice cream and birthday cake littered the ground. This huge show of a commotion took place beneath the booms and flashes of fireworks in the sky on the night between July 2nd and 3rd. But, this wasn't an abnormal scene for this hot headed troupe, these string of events happened every year on this very night (or whenever everyone is together, which doesn't happen often for safety reasons). Whether it be cousin on cousin or sibling on sibling attacking one another, the atmosphere is beef for personal, political, or patriotic reasons, the children of the North American Twins, Canada and America, can never seem to be anywhere together without fighting (which is a pain in the ass for holidays).
America and Canada sat on the back porch of the house where their joint birthday barbecue was being held, watching the annual scene that played out in front of them.
"Why does someone always have to mention 1812? "Canada asked exhaustively.
"I don't know, dude," America answered, "it's like they want to fight whenever they're together, because they know that 1812 is the trigger, someone always says it. "
"So, why do we even bother anymore? We all know what will happen. " Canada said gesturing to the scene in front of him.
Alfred smirked and placed his hand on his brother's shoulder. "We try every year because you're my brother and I like celebrating our birthday together. Anyway, it's nice having the family altogether, they miss each other," just as America finished his statement, Louisiana was seen in front of the twins yelling at Quebec in French and trying to choke him with Mardi Gras beads.
"You call that missing each other?" Canada said sarcastically, America wisely kept quiet. Canada continued talking, "you say you like having the whole family together, why not invite France and England? "
America answered immediately, "France would ruin everything by bringing Spain and Prussia along, who will bring the rest of the world, and England is just a sourpuss, party pooper, stick in the mud this time of year. "
"See! " Canada exclaimed, "you put in all that effort to keep those two out of it, why can't we just celebrate our birthday on the official days separately and on this in between day, you and I can go out for a quiet, peaceful dinner. "
"I don't know… I guess it's because I don't like giving up," Alfred punched Matthew's arm which caused the Canadian to flinch. "Especially on my family."
"What a family we have right Koomijoomi," Canada muttered to his polar bear.
"Who are you?" Kumajiro asked his master.
"Oh…" Sighed a disappointed Canada, "I'm-"
The backdoor behind the twins swung open and a heavily accented French voice, "He is Canada you silly bear".
The twins turned around in awe and a startled Alfred pushed his drooping glasses to the bridge of his nose, while his brother grasped Kumajiro tightly and gulped.
The flamboyant Frenchman, Francis or better known to his sons as papa. Waltzed onto the porch and embraced his two children, "Mes enfants, oh have I missed you so," Francis pinched Canada's checks and chided his former territory, " You look pale, I told you to stop with the maple syrup! And Alfred!"
Francis moved over to Alfred and clasped his hands, "You are as pink as ever I see. Now have you tried any of the recipes I sent you. You know what I say, eat a burger wind up?" Francis raised his finger and waited for Alfred to answer the rhyme he, Alfred, despised.
Alfred, still stunned at his step father's surprise visit, muttered, "Murdered."
Francis clapped in jubilee and kissed Alfred on his cheeks, " You remembered! Now let me get both of your gifts. I left them in the car with Arthur." Francis waved at the two before exiting the porch into the house.
"Arthur?" Canada and America whispered in unison. The two jumped out of their seats and began to bicker with each other in hushed tones, praying to Pangea that their children didn't overhear them.
"Why are they here?" Canada muttered.
"I don't know man, but if we don't get this under control, shit is about to get real…" The two looked over at the monstrous hoard that was their children, " I don't think we even want to know what they'll do if they actually have their anger stimulated by the source of the… you know what," Alfred whispered.
"What are we going to do?" Canada said anxiously.
"I know, we can say that they are our second great uncles, that are micro nations, thrice removed."
"Alfred that's not going to work."
"The plans of a hero are never not clear!" Alfred cheered as he raised his fist in the air triumphantly .
Before Canada could gently inform Alfred that his plan sucked, the door opened and Francis leapt out of in a marvelous devlopé and landed in fifth position. Behind him waddled Arthur who was carrying a mountain of gifts. He nodded towards his two children and they, in a daze, waved back.
Francis smiled in delight at his sons before his focus shifted to the oblivious states and territories waging war in the backyard. Francis Clucked in distaste at Matthew and Alfred , "How dare you two allow your children to go on like this? Oh well, as a present to the both of you I will fix this situation. Arthur take the boys inside."
Arthur rolled his eyes and complained, "I'm not obeying your orders FROG! The only reason I am doing what you are asking me to is because our plans happen to run parallel."
"Of course Arthur."
Arthur gingerly set the presents to his side and grabbed the earlobes of his two adult children, Alfred's weak point is his earlobes once adversely affected, any attempt of restraint would prove futile, and dragged them inside as they squealed like pigs in pain.
With a smile Francis clapped his hands together and hollered at the disrespectful youths, "Guess who it is my darlings?" At hearing the frenchman's voice all fighting amongst the cousins stopped dead in their tracks: choke holds loosened, fists unclenched, leaving only the fireworks up above to be heard.
"You children should be ashamed of yourselves! Fighting like this on your Father's birthday is disrespectful," Francis elegantly sat on of the chairs left abandoned on the porch and patted his lap gently "Now come here, and tell your Grand-pere why you are so angry?"
Louisiana threw her Mardi Gras beads onto the ground and was the only one of the states and territories to move towards Francis. Their heads turned to her as she marched past.
The exact moment Francis realized that the person approaching him was Louisana was clear to all those present. His normally exuberant aura melted away leaving the nation looking pained. Francis raised his hand to his mouth and ran to the angry state's side. She, however, ignored him and continued to walk straight in front of her to the back door.
" Louie-May wait." Francis pleaded
Louisiana, with a desperate Francis by her side, continued to walk to the back door. Without making eye contact she stopped in her tracks leaving her hand on the knob, "No we are not doing this," sneered Louisiana while squeezing the knob so hard that her fingers turned white, " I'm talking to DAD and then I am gone."
Francis reached out to touch her shoulder but he was brushed away by a disgusted Louisiana, "Ne me touche pas !" Louie-May opened and then slammed the back door behind her.
Francis stood there for a moment wringing his hands, and attempting to hold back his tears, his shame leaving the young states around him wondering how the hell they were supposed to react in this given situation.
Colorado then turned his head over to Quebec, who had crawled under picnic table and equipped himself with a metal serving platter after being freed by Louisiana. The two made eye contact and in his usual stoned daze Colorado asked "Hey, Frenchie, do you know why my bae Louie is in a dizzy?"
"I am French CANADIAN!" Quebec clarified while he held his platter defensively, "Which is a lot different from that dinosaur over there."
"Excusez-moi?" Francis retorted.
"Also," Quebec ranted, he began to crawl out from under the table and then stood in front of the legendary stoner, Colorado, "what makes you think I know anything about (air quotes) 'Louie-May'. She is AMERICAN TRASH who one time, defeated my family's army on her home turf and now will never let me forget about it!"
"Look Queie," said Colorado who held his hands up in the air, "I just was asking, buddy."
Quebec scowled "ok buddy" and he hit Colorado in the head with the platter causing Colorado to fall on the ground unconscious, "That's what you get for eating all the pancakes you stoner. Maybe if you Americans wouldn't have legalized marijuana like we have you wouldn't do it so-" Quebec was jumped by California and the two began wrestling on the ground.
"Rocky may be high but so am I!" California yelled as he climbed on top of Quebec and started to make Quebec slap himself.
This act of violence caused a chain reaction and soon all the states were once again at each other's throats. Francis sighed and then began to take of his jacket and gently folded it on the chair beside him, "It's been a long time since I've gone into battle," Francis muttered. He rubbed his hand together before charging into the minefield ahead.
To be continued...
New Jersey is the most dangerous fighter at these family gatherings as she is know to pull her hair extension off and use nail files as darts. Everyone is terrified of her but no one will admit it as that will set off her narcissism. On the Canadian side of things Nova-Scotia is also very violent at gatherings going all out with a battle ax and face paint representing the barbaric of their Scottish heritage.