it has been to long and profoundly apologize to anyone that was itching to read more

this is rather short but i need to add it

i'll try and update soon(but i make no promises)

enjoy

-airali

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

It kept marking each passing second, taunting me as every minute passed. Screaming at me that it was another hour and she still wasn't back. A month had already passed by and I had not lost the hope that one day the bedroom door would open and she would come bounding towards me with a tear stained face—that she would take me into her warm, comforting arms and tell me that she will never ever leave me again.

I had not lost that hope.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Until now.

I was disconnected. It was like watching myself from third person point of view. My arm reached for the small clock that stood on the bedside table. With a simple flick of my hand the clock smashed against the opposite wall. It crumbled and the wall was marked.

The noise was gone and that's all that mattered. My eyes maintained themselves on the remains and I came to the realization it was the first sign of movement I had done in a while, besides breathing.

Was I waking up? It didn't feel like it. I felt like I was in a nightmare, for I was well aware that the moment that I truly did wake up, it would be because she was back in my arms.

I blinked and turned my head. There was something off about this room.

The smell.

I raised my head off of the bed and smelled the air although I didn't need to. I already knew I wasn't being deceived.

For a month, the only thing that had held me prisoner in this room had been the sweet aroma that went in through my nostrils and left a fiery path throughout my whole body. Now, as I inspected the room, I realized it was gone. My scent had overruled it and kicked hers out of the room. The same way I had, unaware of it, kicked her out of my life.

Nothing else was left of her; this was a stranger's bedroom. A bedroom I was not familiar with.

A desolate cry became stuck in my throat and choked me.

What's going to happen? What am I supposed to do now? I couldn't forget her, I would never forget her, but what was I supposed to do? Drag her back here by force?

I would never do that.

How is it that I left Bella and, despite all the pain that I put her through, she still wanted me? Whereas with Alex, I never left her—I never even dreamed of abandoning her, yet she left me and most likely hated me? But of course, a moment was all I could ever expect to have from perfection. Nothing more.

She had to leave for me to realize that I chose her over Bella—that Alex was not the one that I could possibly live without. What good was it now? I couldn't do anything about it now. Even if I did, would I do it? Could I possibly abandon Bella when she was my burden to bear? Leaving her would be against everything I am. It would go against the way in which I was raised. It would go against my morals.

But staying with her would be going against my heart, for I was well aware that although it felt like it was on razors edge, it was still there—beating with a small glow of hope that only fades when everything is completely lost. Hope can drive a man insane; I was nearly at that point. The point in which you know not, which is reality and which is fantasy. It is no lie that I had often clearly heard her soft endearing laugh. Often I had heard my name clearly being whispered by her affectionate voice. And often I had found myself vividly remembering her velvet-like touches against my skin.

Now, all that seemed to be gone by the simple absence of her malicious essence.

It's time to face reality brother.

Alice's fleeting thought intersected my troubled mind before disappearing completely. She was right. It was time for me to face the situation at hand. I had to apologize to my family, for I had done a great rudeness to them all.

I had to at least push my agonizing thoughts of Alex as far as possible in my mind. At least while I settled all the other problems.

I didn't have the need to move. I had not moved in a month except for the constant contraction and expansion of my lungs. Yet, that didn't mean I would not have that uncomfortable sensation of stiffness. Just before I left though the balcony, I took a single last look at this stranger's bedroom.

The short run to the house had no effect on me whatsoever. All my moves were automatic, mechanical, empty.

Before I was even over the threshold, Esme's arms were tightly wrapped around my neck and she sobbed dryly on my chest.

I was supposed to feel remorse right now, wasn't I?

But damnit! I was devoid of any emotion. All the pain was too great to allow me to focus on other feelings.

"Sometimes…" She whispered, her hand stroked the back of my head tenderly. "You have to lose the one you love to realize just how much you love them."

That wasn't true. I was well aware of how much I loved Alex even before she left.

"Edward…Carlisle once told you, that if she was the one then things would work out." I pulled back from her. Her lips trembled from suppressed sobs. She raised her hand and stroked the side of my face.

It didn't feel like Alex's touch.

"This could be a test Edward. If you're strong, then one way or another, she will come back. She has to if she really is the one meant for you."

Her words sprung no inspiration in me. I simply numbly listened. I became aware of the rest as they descended from the staircase. I received sympathetic embraces, none of which I truly felt.

"I bet she needs you just as much as you need her."

She wouldn't have left if the was the truth.

We'll let you talk to Bella. Carlisle thought at me. I nodded at him and they all began exiting the house. I watched with disdain as they all began to head out, hand in hand with their partners. Jealousy licked at my insides—their relationships had always been perfect and simple.

"Wait." On cue they all turned and looked at me. "I have to apologize for the rude way in which I treated you all this month. It was out of line."

"All is forgotten Edward." Esme came forward and kissed my cheek again. She gave me a tender look and then left with the rest.

I was alone with only Bella in here. I never did think I would be able to put off this moment for too long. Old machines in my brain seemed to come to life and begin working. Sending me messages telling me what I had to do now.

My feet felt as if were bound to heavy chains as I walked up to my room where I knew she was awaiting me. My heart seemed stuck at my throat, ready for me to vomit it out. And, for the first time in two centuries, I felt tired and drained of any energy.

My hand felt heavier than my own body as I opened the door of the room.

There she sat, on the couch, looking at me through eyes so full of mixed emotions that I was forced to cast my eyes to the ever so immaculate golden carpet. Her gaze burned holes through my bowed head and created a sensation of worthlessness that mimicked to perfection the very core of my being.

I was utterly lost for words. Had I created any mental speech of what I was to say to her, it would have all gone to the gutter in that one fraction of a second in which her eyes connected with mine.

Shame washed through me as I remembered my last words to her before now. With raging madness, I had almost literally told her how much I had regretted marrying her. For if I had known and lived then, what I know and have lived now, I would have most definitely never even considered marrying this innocent woman. Despite the numerous ways in which I had come to harm her, and despite the way in which I had so greatly failed her, the deep love she claimed to have towards me remained strong and unconditional. Who could possibly not want someone like her? And yet here I was—wanting someone that was clearly not her.

"Edward…" Had she been human, she would have been an ocean of tears. But now she could cry, wail, and moan all she wanted, but not a single tear would fall. This is what she wanted right?

I don't know if she was the one that came to me or if I went to her, I wasn't watching, but suddenly she was clinging to me, her arms tightly wrapped around my waist. I don't recall moving a muscle.

"I love you." She murmured. I left her to believe the best of my silence. I couldn't answer without hurting her. Instead, I searched in her the scent I was missing so much, the same scent which I feared…but I didn't find it in her.

Now, with her in my arms, and with Alex gone—possibly forever—it was painfully plain to see who I truly wanted and loved.

I loved Bella. She had been so much for me, but I had learned to accept she had left. In a year, I had learned to put her in my past. Despite the fact that she was here now…to me…she was still in my past, I couldn't live in the past. Alex was my present and I desperately wanted her to be my future.

She had to leave for me to realize what I wanted; now it was too late. The only thing left to do was my duty. There was no going back.

"Why are we allowing her to come in between us?" Her soft voice was a cue that my part was next.

"Bella…" I could hardly recognize my own voice as I spoke. I placed my hands on either side if her beautiful face…and it felt so wrong. "We're going to work on us."

Bella's eyes lit up and mine slipped into a coma.

She stood on her toes and her lips reached to mine. Seconds later, I realized I was supposed to respond. I had shared many firsts with Bella: first love, first kiss, first girlfriend…I just never thought I would ever share with her an unwilling kiss. At this moment I was proved wrong.

Screams of frustration built up and infiltrated my lungs. How did my life take such a wrong turn in such a short amount of time? I would be condemned to this for the rest of my existence. Maybe this was the only possible way to atone for my sins. It seemed like the perfect punishment.

"Thank you." She breathed against my mouth. It wasn't the voice I wanted to hear. Her hands wrapped around my hair and she pressed her forehead against mine. "We're going to get the life we wanted."

This wasn't the life I wanted.

"Bella." I took her by the wrists and made her pull back. "I want to make this work… but I need…some time. I need to make sense of what's happening and…this isn't the best of moments and I really just need…time."

"I understand." She placed a chaste kiss and talked again. "I'm going to be there for you always Edward. And we'll make it through together, like we used to. You're my husband and I'm going always be with you."

It took great effort to suppress my grimace. I looked at her and nodded.

Maybe Bella saw that I was unhappy. How could she not? Everyone else noticed. Perhaps she just found some minor excuse to justify my dull existence.

Esme talked to me once, while she and I hunted. She didn't agree with what I was doing. She didn't think it fair for me or for her. I didn't listen. I didn't listen to anything anymore.

January and February passed by, and had I taken any time to pay attention to Bella, I would have been amazed by all of her patience with me. Some part of me hoped that, some day, she would just get up and leave. I realized I was wrong. She was as stubborn as ever.

The rest of the family spent an increasing amount of time with the Weasleys. I never received any news from Alex, but I never did ask about her. I simply wondered and ached. That is until they started to write to her.

"Ron was poisoned." Everyone was immediately attentive to Frankie's news. I turned my head slightly from the book I was trying to make sense out of. News about Ron might mean news about Alex.

"How?" Esme's eyes were wide and worried.

"Molly told me it happened today, in the morning. It's his birthday and apparently he ate some chocolates with some sort of love potion in them—"

"Why would he do that?" Emmett interrupted.

"I don't think Ron was aware of it. Harry took him to Slughorn's—the potions teacher—so he could give him some antidote. So, they got it all fixed, and then Slughorn invited them to drink butterbeer or something of the sort. It turns out that it was poisoned."

"Only Ron got poisoned?" Alice asked.

"He was the first to drink apparently."

"How did they save him?"

"Harry used some antidote. I'm glad he was rather quick to think. Afterwards, Hermione and Alex arrived and they got Slughorn to go get someone."

My ears must have grown an inch at the mention of Alex. I turned my head to face them. Bella didn't fail to notice—a frown etched her features in reaction.

"How could it be poisoned?" Carlisle asked. His worry showed on all of our faces. "I believe I heard that the security at the school was good…"

"No one knows how it got slipped in."

"Do you think they were trying to poison the Potters?"

Rosalie's question made me stiffen. They all noticed and Frankie quickly negated this theory.

"Slughorn said it was going to be a present to Dumbledore. So that's who it was aimed for."

If it had been so easy to slip that in then it would be equally easy to try and hurt Alex.

"Edward, Alex is safe." Frankie attempted to assure me.

"I'm not so sure about that." I stood up and left the house.

The creek was empty…of course; I never expected to find her here. It was like she had never even set foot in this place.

I sat on a rock at the edge of the creek. It was still an amazing place. Alex's presence just enhanced it.

Was she truly safe at that place? Would she be better off here, under the protection of seven vampires and a wizard? It was difficult to decide, although, it really wouldn't make a difference.

What was she doing right now?

A picture began forming in my mind. She was probably at the hospital wing, clad in her black robes. She probably looked radiant as she sat there around her friends, discussing today's events.
"You have no idea…how much I curse the day I met you…"

The sentence still stung me—another slash on razors edge.

"Edward?" I turned like a snake ready to attack. Bella stood at the edge of the opening of the creek. Her stance was wary.

What was she doing here? Only two people were allowed to be here and she wasn't one of them! Was she determined to taint every single place that reminded me of her?

"Leave!" I said coldly and turned back to glower at the water.

"Edward, talk to me…"

I was suddenly before her. I roughly grabbed her jaw with one of my hands and hissed, "You aren't welcomed here. Get out!"

She stared in complete shock when I released her jaw. She choked back a sob and fled.

How dare she infiltrate mine and Alex's place? She had no right to be here. No one did.

The days had passed. It could have been months, but I cannot be sure. Everyone went around in their own business. Bella was upstairs talking to Alice, perfectly aware that I was present in the house.

"I just don't know what to do anymore! I really wouldn't be surprised if she did something to get him this way."

Then came my rage. The closest thing to me was the piano, and breaking it would not be a good idea. She had touched the same piano many times before.

"Bella, she did nothing to him—they both fell in love. I'm sure she's not coping well either." Alice was frustrated. She loved Alex as much as she loved Bella. Surely she didn't enjoy the constant daggers Bella threw at Alex.

"They're not in love." She said quietly to herself.

I hit the piano keys with my fist (not hard enough to break it). She stopped the moment she heard the noise.

Frankie's coming! Alice and I knew what that meant: Alex had written back again.

Alice ran down the stairs and opened the door. Seconds later, I heard a loud crack indicating he was here. The whole family knew this sound. They all gathered in the living room.

It all went as usual: they greeted him and he sent a polite nod my way which I returned just as politely. It seemed like an eternity before he sat down and began to read the contents of the letter.

I repressed my grimace when Bella came to stand behind me with her hands on my shoulders.

"Dear Frankie –and all of the Cullen's," Frankie began. "Your letters really get me through these tedious days, so keep them coming. This time, I do have stories to tell. I take pride in saying that I actually paid more attention to what's going around me this time."

Did this mean she was having a good time? I hoped she was.

"We won the house cup!"

Frankie's words were cut off by a loud whooping Emmett clapped his hands and cheered noisily.

"That's what I'm talking about! I knew Harry and the rest could do it!"

"Emmett, shut up." I said annoyed—wanting to hear more of what she wrote.

He made a face at me, but remained quiet.

"I'm sitting in the a bed at the hospital wing as I write this—"

Panic made my body become stiff and turned my insides cold.

"The reason being, that I played in Harry's position. He was unable to play the next game for cursing Malfoy, so he asked me to play in his place. Unwillingly, I agreed to do it. Really, the game went very well…until Ron kicked my face and broke my nose."

On cue, Emmett's boisterous laugh reverberated all around the room and even Jasper grinned. I was beside myself in worry. How serious was it?

Bella's hands began massaging my back. I fought the impulse to shake her away.

"On accident of course. Quidditch isn't known for being a safe game after all. Still, it was all good. I was still coherent…until I caught the snitch and the bludger hit my stomach. After that I fell off my broom and passed out.

But we won!

I'm better now. I just broke my nose, three broken ribs and I fractured my neck. She patched me up, but said I needed to stay until tomorrow. Gryffindor must be partying right now. And Harry must be ecstatic, especially now that he has a girlfriend. He and Ginny got together today after the game, so you all should congratulate them. I can't wait for tomorrow. I hate spending time in here. What's going on over there? Of course, there's not much to do at Forks, but life with the Cullen's is always interesting. I love you all, Alex."

Frankie closed the letter and looked at us. They were all smiling at her words.

She wrote as if nothing was going on. As if she didn't know I was in such a bad state because of her. As if there had never been anything between us.

I heard what I wanted to hear, so I stood up from the piano bench, from where I had been perched at, and headed up to my room.

"Edward."

I hated being alone in the house with Bella.

"Yes?" I stared at the picture of Hogwarts. I had finally begun to read the book Alex had given me. I looked at its pictures and I imagined Alex walking through the castles corridors. Bella's face came into view and she was biting her lip.

I didn't fight her off as she put her hands on my cheeks and pressed her mouth to mine. I'd hurt her enough. Instead, I blindly put down the book and kissed her back, trying to at least fool her. Her tongue pressed against my lips—reluctantly, I opened my mouth to hers.

It was horrible—kissing someone and thinking of someone else. It would always be like that for me.

Being too caught up with my mental image of Alex, I thought nothing of it when she got on top of me on the couch. She moaned—I remained quiet.

The first time I kissed Alex. The memory was crystal clear. Her eyes were scared and unsure, her movements as hesitant as I felt. Her lips had been white and dry from so much cold, but it was the happiest moment of my life. Better than the day of my wedding, better than my first kiss with Bella. Maybe because she had been the one to kiss me, because I had been sure that I could never have anything with her. With Bella, I had known she had affection for me. I had been completely blind regarding Alex's feelings, therefore I had been beyond elated when I felt her lips against my own.

Flesh against my own skin made me cringe away from her and push her off of me.

"What in—"

I was out the bedroom door in two seconds.

"Edward!" I heard her call; I ignored it. Then she was at the front door, blocking me.

"Edward what's—"

"Move, I don't want to talk right now."

"Well if you want this to work—"

"I can't…" I breathed hard and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I can't do that just yet."

"Why not? You asked for time. It's been months and you don't seem willing to work on us!"

"Things aren't as simple as you make them out to be. Move out of the way Bella."

"No! Why are you pining after her so much—"

"I love her!" I roared. She flinched.

"What about me?"

I took a deep breath. There was no need to shout. I just needed to sit down and talk this out with her. I planted myself on the sofa and covered my face with my hands. Beside me, the couch sunk and I felt a hand, which I badly wanted to shake away, at my leg.

"Edward if she loved you she wouldn't have left you."

Another reason to not want to be with Bella. This wasn't the same girl I had known, the one I had loved. Bella would have never thrown dirt at anyone the way she was doing it with Alex. Every word she spoke about Alex was poison.

"I left you once. That didn't mean I didn't love you."

She grimaced, I'm sure she was remembering that time in her life. I wondered how clear those memories were to her.

"But you came back."

And she wouldn't. Had Alex ever really loved me at all? That was just a new thought to torture me.

"I still love her." I wished she would just stop talking; her words just hurt me more.

"Are you sure? Maybe she did something to you…"

I laughed—a cold steely chuckle that made her uncomfortable by the look on her face.

"Even if she doesn't return my feelings, I know her enough to be sure that she wouldn't do something of the sort. And it's more difficult than you make it sound.

Besides, it really doesn't matter anymore whether she felt the same way about me as I do her. What matters is that I still love her. And I still need more time if you want this to work."

"And how much time is Edward? Years?"

"What if it is?"

"I'll wait." I knew that stubborn face. She wasn't lying.

"Then do not pressure me."

I stood from the couch and left the house.

I didn't know what I would get out of this, but still I ran to Frankie's house. He would be awake. I opened the door and saw him sitting on the couch looking through a book. His head turned up alarmed.

Edward! He mentally sighed. What in the world—

"I need to see her." I stood there breathing heavily, although I had no reason to.

"What?" He set his book down looked at me quizzically.

"I need you to take me to her. I need to see her. I need to talk to her." More like beg her to come back. I had no problem getting down on my knees for her.

"Edward, take a deep b—"

"No! I don't know what to do without her! I'm nothing! I can't make sense of anything around me. I need my best friend back…"

She was everything to me. She was my family, my life, my best friend, my companion. She was my soul mate in every sense of the word. I've often heard that no one dies of love. I felt like I was proving all the people that believed that wrong.

"Edward, I can't just take you over to a school so you can grovel! Be serious Edward, get your mind clear!"

"I can't, not without her."

I pulled on my hair in frustration. "It's just…it's not only affecting me…it's affecting the entire family. We all need her." The horrible choking sounds, I realized, were mine.

"Come on mate, just…here, sit." I allowed him to guide me to the sofa. "Edward, this is what she decided. We need to respect her wishes."

"I need her…" I was unable to raise my voice above a whisper.

"I reckon she does too, but it's going to take a while for her to break. She's a tough cookie."

"Wish I was like her. It's just…I can't get her out of my mind at all. Every little thing is a reminder of her. Even Bella—I look at her and I compare her to Alex. Even my damn books remind of a time in which she was looking through them. I'm going crazy."

"I can't even…begin to imagine what you must be going through…but you have to bear it and wait for things to get better."

"I don't think they will. I think I just lost her forever."

"Don't think that way."

There was a knock on the door we both looked at it.

"It's my family." I sighed and ran a hand over my face.

"Come in!" Frankie called.

Esme was the first to enter. "I'm sorry, it's just that Bella said she didn't know where you were and you don't have your phone on you."

"Oh, yeah, I'm sorry." I mumbled looking anywhere but them.

I felt her embrace and I knew they had heard most of our conversation.

"Edward…" Alice spoke, "Don't lose hope, she could come back."

"What if she does? What happens with Bella?"

"Edward, you've tried to please others for too long! Now it's time for you to choose your own happiness. If she does come back, and you choose Bella, you're going to live like you are right now. Frankly, I don't think that's much of a life for either of you."

I remained quiet. Their gazes made me uncomfortable.

"But you won't choose Bella if you are ever given the option." contributed Rosalie.

"It doesn't…even matter." I looked at them all and stood up. "She's not going to come back anyway. She's gone."

Before anyone could say any more, a silvery mist I knew too well came into the room and quickly formed into a weasel. It stood on its hind legs and spoke with Arthur Weasley's voice.

Hogwarts been attacked!

The room momentarily spun.

"Alex…" I was the one to whisper.