Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold! or Romeo & Juliet, or anything that sounds like I could make some money off of it.
Summary: What If: Mr. Simmons had never done the play in Elementary school? What if he directed it when they were all in High School instead? This is an expanded take on Helga's schemes to kiss Arnold. AxH, slight AU.
Note: As much as I love the episode "The School Play" I have several beefs with it. The fact that they made such a big deal out of the final kiss is rather silly, considering there is more than one scripted kiss in the play. But yes, they were just kids so I let that one slide. But, during the episode, they don't even place the few scenes there are in order! Always drove me crazy.
So, after my most recent viewing of this episode, I was struck with inspiration. A wonderful 'What If' Scenario. This will detail the episode with the gang in High School now (with everything else in their childhood, i.e. FTi, finding Arnold's parents, etc still having happened) with a couple exceptions: Arnold and Helga had never become a couple and Arnold's parents remained in Hillwood.
I wanted to expand on Helga's quest to become Juliet, while also building something up between Arnold and her throughout the preparations for the play.
I hope you all enjoy this 'What If' story!
Previous Chapter's Soundtrack: Local God by Everclear
Current Chapter's Soundtrack: Rip Her to Shreds by Boomkat
Chapter Four:
"O wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"
After her abrupt desertion of Arnold, Helga went in search of Sheena. She finally found the current Juliet in the girls dressing room, talking to wheelchair-bound Eugene. After rolling the ginger jinx out, Helga turned towards the tall teen.
"I just wanted to personally congratulate you on the big role," Helga said with mock sincerity.
"Why, thank you Helga!" Sheena replied graciously, before going on, "I'm not quite sure it's sunk in yet, though. I can't believe I'm actually going to play Juliet!"
"Yeah! Juliet is a great part...don't you think?" Helga inquired a little sneakily.
Oblivious to the blonde's tone, Sheena answered, "Well, that's what I hear. I haven't actually gotten through the whole play yet."
"Well, let me tell ya: it's a humdinger!" Helga shot the willow thin teen an almost sinister look, "Especially all the violent parts!"
"...Violent parts?" Sheena repeated with a little uncertainty.
"Are you kiddin'?" Helga asked incredulously, and then went on excitedly, "Romeo and Juliet is loaded with violence! Real blood and guts and stuff. Sword fights, rotting corpses-
"I...I've always been against violence," Sheena voice wavered, "Just the sight of blood makes me queasy."
Feigning surprise, Helga replied, "You're kidding, right?" When Sheena shook her head cautiously, Helga went for the K.O., "Well, you know about the ending, right? She's in a crypt, you know, a mausoleum, full of dead rotting corpses...and bats!" Helga inched towards Sheena as she continued on, "And then, she takes this big, sharp, rusty dagger...and she holds it up high over her head and...then-!" She mimes stabbing herself and drops to the flow with mock agony. After a moment, she looks up at Sheena with a devious smile, "Oh, it's great! Real bloody, violent stuff. Not to mention, I've heard what Parker is working on for some gruesome special effects. He's rigging this prop dagger with a fake blood capsule, so it will actually look like Juliet is bleeding. Great stuff, huh?"
Looking a little pale, Sheena replied shakily, "Um, you know Helga I'm not sure I'm the right girl for Juliet."
Helga asked with false sympathy, "Gee Sheena, really?"
"I'll tell Mr. Simmons tomorrow and Phoebe can play the part. I really wanted to work on costumes anyway!"
"Perfect. You can start with this, it needs a lot of work," Helga shoved the ugly Juliet costume into Sheena's arms, "And, you can just go ahead and take the position of Head Costumer. It's obviously not my thing."
"Gosh, thanks Helga! Although, I'm sure I could use your help for some little things."
"Uh-huh, sure thing," Helga waved a dismissive hand before exiting the room and chuckling quietly to herself.
Two down, and two to go.
The next day, at rehearsal.
With Phoebe announced as the new Juliet, Mr. Simmons called out for Arnold once again.
"Mr. Simmons, is this really necessary?" Arnold asked with a cringe. The idea of kissing his best friend's girlfriend, while said best friend was watching, was beyond awkward and uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry Arnold, but it's important to see where the chemistry is at between the lead roles."
As Arnold sighed, a voice from the back of the auditorium rang out, "There better not be any chemistry between you two!"
Gerald's joking shout caused a ripple of laughter throughout the cast, and with Arnold and Phoebe now feeling less tense about the ordeal, went through the scene.
Helga, the only one not laughing, watched with gritted teeth as her best friend kissed her longtime love. Even though it was clear that the only thing between the two leads was purely platonic, Helga still couldn't help the curling of her fists. Biting the inside of her cheeks, she mentally shook herself out of it, 'Calm down, it's not like Phoebe's doing this on purpose! Maybe if you grew some balls and actually told your best friend that you still had feelings for the Football Head, she wouldn't even still be in the running for Juliet!'
Though, Helga knew her pride was too great that she'd never tell Phoebe, or anyone else for that matter, about her feelings for Arnold.
Also, Helga was certain she knew exactly how to get Phoebe out of the picture, with no risk to her secret at all.
Next Rehearsal.
Helga was returning the measurements for Lady Capulet and the Nurse to Sheena, since she had agreed to still help out. It was simple enough so far, and better than doing any actual work, which left her ample time to pour over the script.
"Here ya go, Boss. Who is up next?" Helga asked as she handed over the paper.
"Oh, well Arnold is actually free right now I think and I really need his measurements."
"Ar-Arnold?" Helga sputtered.
Sheena frowned as she held out the piece of paper with the requirements, "Is there a problem, Helga?"
Snapping out of it, Helga snorted and snatched the paper, "Of course not. I'll be right back with the number's."
She walked off in search of the blond lead, and found him off to the side of the stage, reading his script.
With her game face on, she approached him, "Hey Football Head, come 'ere! I need to get your measurements for Sheena."
Holding back the urge to roll his eyes, Arnold got up and followed Helga backstage.
Helga noticed there were a couple extra measurements written down, but figured a guy's measurements wasn't that much different from a girl's. She did her best to remain cool and calm as she instructed Arnold to hold his arms out, and take various measurements of his arms, chest, neck and torso. When she reached the unfamiliar requirement, she paused.
'Inseam?' Helga thought, and gave Arnold a quick once over before looking back at the paper. It was following the entry for Arnold's arm length, and she connected the dots, "Sorry, raise your arms out again."
Arnold looked briefly confused, but complied so he could get this over with and get back to looking over his script. When Helga ran the tape measure down the length of his inner arm, Arnold asked in annoyance, "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting your inseam," Helga shot.
Arnold dropped his arms and gave her a look that clearly stated he thought she was ridiculous, "The inseam is for pants, Helga." When all she did was blink at him in surprise, Arnold rolled his eyes before gesturing with his hands and speaking slowly, "You measure the outside length of the leg...and then you measure the inside of the leg. The inseam is where you sew the pant leg together. So, it's the seam of the pants on the inside of the leg. That's why it's called an inseam-
"Okay, okay I think I got it, Hair Boy," Helga swatted his hands away and kneeled down, hoping to hide the fierce blush on her cheeks. She ran the tape measure up the outside of his leg and marked the number on the paper before adjusting her position. Scowling she looked up at Arnold, who was wearing an annoyed look on his face and had his arms crossed over his chest, "Hey, Romeo, mind widening your stance a little bit so I can get your stupid inseam?"
Not bothering to reply, he complied and shifted his gaze to see what was going on on stage. However a moment later..."Whoa, hey!" Arnold jolted and jumped back a step and stared down at the blonde incredulously, "Helga!"
She stared up at him in shock and complete mortification, "Oh my God, I'm...I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do-I mean, your...its, it was just-" Helga sputtered and then she was suddenly struck with a most inappropriate attack of the giggles. She had just unintentionally felt up Arnold's crotch, and she couldn't stop her embarrassed giggling.
Arnold, completely irritated, flustered and beyond embarrassed at the unexpected contact (and the stupid natural reaction, thankfully overruled by the embarrassment factor) heaved an angry sigh before storming off.
After rehearsal that day, Helga just wanted to focus on anything but her unintentional intimate contact with Arnold's...hardware.
It was one of the rare times contact with him was not planned, and Helga had to use every bit of her willpower to keep from literally fanning herself.
All she had tried to do was measure him for his pants, and in her embarrassment over not knowing what an inseam was, she totally spaced out and didn't think about where her hands were.
Mentally shaking herself of the mortifying moment, she closed the door of Phoebe's room behind her and watched her petite friend lean forward on the back of a chair, "Thanks for coming over to help me with my lines, Helga. I still can't believe I'm going to be playing Juliet!"
"Yeah, me either," Helga replied as though she wasn't that interested. She casually continued, "Talk about pressure...you must be really nervous."
The raven haired teen shook her head, "No, not at all. I'm confident that I can learn all my lines and perform them successfully."
Helga looked at her friend with falsely veiled concern, "Oh, well sure Phoebe, but I mean there's so many lines! I mean, what if you forgot one?" When she noticed Phoebe's worried frown, she went on, "Or, what if you just completely blank out with all those people watching you? You'd be humiliated! And they'd all laugh at you, and you'd be letting down Mr. Simmons and all us kids who worked so hard on the show."
"I...I hadn't considered that," Phoebe commented, unsure.
"What if-" Helga hopped up on the small table dramatically, "you're suddenly struck with an attack of stage fright? And you just freeze out there, under all those hot lights? And you can't see anything, and everything starts spinning...and your glasses fall off! And..."
Helga left Phoebe's house not long after she had successfully convinced Phoebe to drop out of the role. Now with only Lila left to knock out of the running, Helga would be kissing Arnold in no time.
Speaking of the teen who had her heart and didn't even know it...
Helga found herself in front of the boarding house door, wringing her hands. As much as she didn't want to do this, she figured she wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes and he wouldn't stop being annoyed with her until she apologized.
After taking a deep breath, Helga knocked on the door. A few moments of waiting had passed before she heard the door open. A flurry of random animals ran out, and she had to jump out of the way to avoid being bowled over. With the door opened fully, Arnold stood in the doorway and saw Helga.
Offering her an annoyed, slanted look, Arnold asked, "What are you doing here, Helga?"
Looking sheepish, Helga averted her eyes, "I...just wanted to come and apologize. For what happened earlier."
Arnold's body language shifted to slightly uncomfortable, "Okay..."
"Look, I didn't mean to. It was an accident!" Helga blurted out.
The blond young man shifted as he pushed the door open wider, and sighed, "I know, Helga."
"And it's just...sometimes, when I get really embarrassed I..." Helga rubbed her upper arm nervously, "I get the giggles." When Arnold merely raised a brow at her, she sighed and went on, "I can't help it, and so...I just didn't want you think I was giggling at you. Even I'm not that mean."
Clearing his throat as a faint blush tinged his cheeks, Arnold replied, "Oh, well good to know."
Instead of letting it end there, Helga's mouth couldn't seem to stop, "I just didn't want you thinking I was laughing at you, I was just embarrassed. Not for you," Helga quickly amended, "I mean, nothing like that! Oh no, you should be very proud. You don't have anything to worry about with that."
Arnold's head whipped around, and he looked at her with wide eyes, "What?"
As the words replayed in her head, Helga's face flushed brightly, "I mean-! No, I didn't mean that...what I meant was, well not that you're...it's not like I know anything about that sort of thing. Not to...but it wasn't, because well-Ha, I'm sure it's perfectly...I mean, obviously there was something there when I-
"Oh my God, stop talking," Arnold said as his deeply red face avoided looking at her.
"Right!" Helga said in a high pitched voice, "Well, I came here to apologize...and I did, so now I'm just...I'm gonna go."
"Good idea," Arnold replied, feeling as embarrassed as Helga probably did. With a final awkward wave, Helga quickly walked down the steps and down the street as Arnold closed the door. Leaning against it, he blinked a couple of times as the last, strange few minutes played through his head. "Huh, Helga G. Pataki thinks I have nice package..." he frowned to himself, "Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing?"