CHAPTER 4

Hot, sticky blood washed over my body, staining my white clothes scarlet. The scent of it filled the air, and I spat some out of my mouth, grimacing at the overpowering taste of iron. Where had it all come from? I checked myself over, but I didn't appear to have a single wound. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a dark mound in the distance. I slowly waded over to it. As I got closer, I choked in horror: the mound was made up of hundreds of bodies, and every one of them had spikes of iron protruding from all over their bodies.

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I felt a hand on my shoulder, startling me awake. I jumped up and began to lash out in every direction, unable to see straight. My hand connected with something soft, and someone yelled. Then my arms were pinned to my side and I was forced to sit down on a bed, still thrashing. At length, my vision cleared, and I could see Commander Erwin and Eld Gin on either side of me, holding me down. Looking straight ahead, I saw Eren holding a hand to his face.

That must've been what I hit, I realized. I began to struggle again, sure in my hysteria that Eren would become a titan and destroy all of us. After a few minutes of nothing, I slowly began to relax once more.

"Are you calm?" Commander Erwin asked. I breathed heavily, not giving an answer. Was I okay for the moment? Yes, but I was far from calm. I was shaking like paper in the wind, and I'm sure I was just as white. My heart was beating so hard and so fast that I half expected it to break out of my chest and run out the door.

"Axis, are you calm now?" Erwin repeated. Shakily, I nodded, and he and Eld let go. I sat there, trying to stop shivering as the adrenaline drained out of me.

"Wh-what happened?" I gasped. Armin crouched down in front of me.

"After you knocked yourself out," he said, "Levi carried you in here. We're in your quarters," he added. I looked around.

"Levi..." I muttered, "Where is he?"

"Downstairs, probably having a cup of tea," Erwin said. I felt a twinge of irritation, but forced it away. Why should I care?

"You seem pretty shaken up," Armin noted, "are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied, "just a bad dream."

My own words stopped me short. A dream? In the year-and-a-half that I could remember, I had never had a single dream. Why now? And why that one? The bodies with spikes-not stabbing into them, but rather coming out. The macabre sight seemed almost...familiar. I shuddered involuntarily.

"I...I'm tired," I finally said, "I'm going to go to sleep now, if that's okay."

"Normally, it wouldn't be," the Commander said, "But you've had quite a day today, so I'll make an exception. Sleep well." He motioned for everyone to follow him, and one by one they all left. Only Armin lingered at my door.

"Hey," he said softly, "Are you sure you're alright?"

I sighed, emotionally exhausted and still reeling from today's events.

"No," I admitted, "I'm not." Armin walked back in and sat on the other end of my bed. He looked at me with intense eyes.

"What happened out there?" he asked, "It didn't look like your gear was damaged. What went wrong?"

I began to chew on my lip as the memory came flooding back into my mind.

"I couldn't do it," I whispered. Armin kept silent, and I continued, "I-I'm terrified of falling. 'Basiphobia,' it's called. It must be worse than I previously thought," I chewed on my lip again, "One of my cables missed it's target, and I freaked out; I froze up. I couldn't think straight, and I couldn't seem to press my triggers."

Armin nodded in understanding. The kid seemed to be rather empathetic, which was something I couldn't quite get a grasp on. I was sure there was a word for that.

"Well, I doubt this whole ordeal will fix that particular fear," Armin joked.

"Yeah, no kidding," I let out a sharp huff of air that could pass for a laugh, "If anything, it'll probably make it worse!"

We both chuckled faintly and once again fell quiet.

"Hey," Armin said after a few minutes, "I was thinking: you should probably start keeping a day-to-day journal. If you ever loose your memories again, it'll help you recover them. I've heard of cases where people get periodic amnesia-forgetting everything after a year or so. I don't know for sure, but that could've been what happened to you."

"Journals!" I gasped, "That's right, I almost forgot!" I grabbed Armin by the shoulders, "I left my journals!"

"Uh, okay," Armin looked perplexed, "Wh-what exactly do you mean by that?"

I sprang up, excited.

"I have a bag of stuff I found with me when I woke up eighteen months ago," I explained, "I left it in my old hide-out. It has things from which I can only assume is my past; some objects and some journals. I've gotta go get them!"

I bolted to my window and began to climb down the wall, probably a bit faster than I should've, but I made it okay. Armin poked his head out.

"Hang on, where are you going?" he cried, "You can't just up and leave. Do you know how much trouble you'll get in when someone finds out?"

"I just won't let anyone find out then!" I yelled back, sprinting across the yard. I wouldn't be anywhere near as fast as I could be on ODM gear, but I wasn't about to risk that again so soon after I nearly killed myself.

After about an hour of non-stop running, I came to a stop at Wall Rose. Gasping, I leaned against it, almost completely worn out.

My journals! My pulse was going 100 kilometres an hour. Oh, I can't believe I almost forgot! They'd never been much use before, but maybe Armin can make sense of them!

After resting for about a half-hour, I reluctantly stood up again. My legs quivered slightly, but I ignored it and began to walk alongside the Wall.

I can't be that far, surely? It has to be around here somewhere...Aha!

I stopped next the to huge boulder blocking the hole made in the Wall by the Colossal titan, and located the small space between the rock and the Wall where the angle of the break made it so a large gap formed. I crouched and slipped through, taking in the familiar scenery.

Looking left to right to make sure I wouldn't be seen, I crept around the streets, becoming the darkness itself. Finally I came to it: a broken-down home that had been abandoned years ago. It was out of the way and in absolute shambles, so no one really came across it, which was perfect for me.

I walked inside, breathing in the musty odor I had grown to know so well. I stepped over a few fallen stones and got to the part of the wall I had hidden it in. A rather large brick came loose with some pulling to reveal a black shoulder bag. I eagerly snatched it up and turned around.

And there, standing directly behind me, was Captain Levi. I dropped my bag, stunned.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" I yelled, my face flushing. My hand clenched into a fist, and my whole body shook. Levi frowned.

"Don't speak to me so disrespectfully, scum," he snarled, "You should be answering your own question. What are you doing here? And what is that?" he gestured to my bag. Almost unconsciously, I reached for the dagger the Captain had given me. Levi's eyes flicked to my hand, and he drew his own blades. Growling, I forced myself to leave the knife alone.

"It's nothing," I curled my lip, "Just leave it alone."

Levi reached toward the bag, and I struck, whipping my foot towards the back oh his leg. He must've not been at his top level, because I hit my target and he went down. In less than a second, however, he was back on his feet and he kicked my stomach. I groaned, trying my best to stay upright, and threw a punch, which was deflected. Furious, I tackled Levi head on. He detached his ODM gear as we flew towards the centre of the room. I landed hard on my shoulder blade with him on top of me, and gritted my teeth against the throbbing ache.

In the midst of the scuffle, blinded by the heat of the battle, I reached out an bit down hard. Teeth connected with flesh and blood filled my mouth. Faintly, I heard Levi cry out in pain. There was a tug on my belt, and agony blossomed in my side. I inhaled sharply and stopped moving, letting go of Levi. I watched, sick as he pulled my dagger out of me.

"I told you that if you ever betrayed me, I would kill you," Levi reminded me, "So this is your last chance. What. Is in. The bag?"

"Notebooks," I heaved, "And...hng...objects; trinkets from my past."

Levi crouched down and rested the edge of the blade to my throat.

"I understand that as a member of The Thorn of the Rose, you were accustomed to relying on yourself, taking orders only on occasion," he drew the bade lightly across my throat, and I felt a trickle of blood run down the side of my neck.

"Here, however," he continued, "You are taking orders from me." He sheathed the dagger and clipped it to his belt.

"Until you learn that," he said, "I'm taking this back." I closed my eyes, but said nothing. Exhaustion swept over me as the exertion I gave in the run caught up to me. The fight didn't help matters at all, and I felt like I would die of fatigue. I just wanted to sleep.

"This place is filthy," Levi walked to an overturned chair and set it upright. He swiped his hand over the seat and muttered something to himself before apparently deciding to just stand. I cracked an eye open.

"Yeah, well, it suited my needs," I said, trying to steady my breathing. With great effort, I sat up. I felt lightheaded and nauseous, but my pride kept me from lying back down.

"You said you have trinkets and journals in your bag?" Levi confirmed. I nodded, to which he replied,"let me see."

"If you will, sir," I said,"I'd really like Armin to look through it first. They're links to my past-at least I think they are-and with his brains he could probably help me figure out who I am."

Levi looked like he wanted to decline my request, and I silently begged the universe to stay on my side. Faintly, I noticed that I had begun to see that he wasn't as rigid in his emotions as I had initially thought him to be. They were certainly there, and they would show on his face, but only if one knew what to look for.

Why would I notice that?

"Fine," he said eventually, and I let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, sir," I said, dipping my head respectfully,"I'm glad you understand. I thought-"

"I'll be there too," he interrupted. I closed my mouth and pursed my lips together in annoyance. Did he need to be everywhere?

"Of course, sir," I said aloud, not bothering to mask the irritation in my voice. I knew he'd heard it, but he didn't react. After a few long minutes of silence, I forced myself to stand, muscles screeching in protest.

"Should we head back?" I asked. Better to play up to it than get my butt kicked for insubordination again.

"How much blood have you lost?" he asked. I gingerly touched my wound. The adrenaline and shock had caused me to forget that it was there. Now that my attention was fixed on it, I began to get dizzy. I clutched my head.

"More than I'd like," I murmured. Levi strapped his ODM gear to himself, and I blanched, remembering previous experiences.

"No, I don't think I can handle that!" I cried,"Please just let me walk."
"Think for a second!" Levi snapped, "The terrain is too flat to use this," he whistled, and the thundering of hooves sounded in the distance. A moment later, two horses, mine and Levi's, appeared at the door.

Levi helped me clamber onto the back of Kaze. He was a proud grey stallion, and as fast as the wind, which had given him his name: an old Oriental word that meant wind.

I leaned over Kaze's back as we rode, trying my hardest to keep conscious. About halfway though the ride back, I dared a glance behind me and noticed a sickening amount of my own blood being left as a trail. Subsequently, I decided to simply looked forward and focused on keeping myself from collapsing.

We made it to the hold, and the rest was a blur. I vaguely registered shouts of horror, and gentle hands pushing me firmly towards my bed, where I lay gratefully. Someone had begun to remove my black bag, and I tried to fight them off. It didn't go very well for me, and they finally got it off on my and set it in a chair nearby. After that, I don't remember anything. I'm not even sure if I was conscious. But I must've fallen asleep at some point, because I woke up the next day in absolute misery.

Mikasa was by my bed, facing the door. She didn't seem too happy about being there, so I guessed that she had been assigned to watch me, though whether that was for my benefit or everyone else's was beyond me.

I lay in silence, hating myself. I had been trained to be an elite assassin by The Thorn of the Rose, taught to win every battle, to be calm under pressure, and to have a healthy sense of paranoia, which would help me avoid getting snuck up on. Yet, despite all of my training, I had failed all three of those in one day.

I clenched a fist. What had happened to me? In a matter of a single day I had gone from deadly to almost dead, and I didn't like that one bit. Something was wrong with me, I could tell, but what I didn't know was whether or not I was losing my true self, or just barely seeing it for the first time.

As I was wallowing in self pity, Mikasa glanced at me, and got up and left without saying a word. I had the feeling that she didn't like me very much, though I couldn't figure out why. Maybe she considered me a threat? I had noticed that she was ridiculously overprotective of Eren. Perhaps a threat to him? Either way, I figured that she could probably give me a run for my money if we went up against each other in combat.

The door creaked, and Levi strode in, Armin close behind him. Neither spoke, instead sitting on a couple of chairs that must've been moved in while I was out. Levi grabbed my bag and handed it to Armin.

"We're going to go through your things now, okay?" Armin looked at me. I nodded numbly, and he pulled out the first item: a silver pocket watch with a dragon embossed on the front. He popped it open and, finding that it didn't work, snapped it back shut.

"I've never seen anything like this before," he commented. I felt a little disappointed. I had been so hoping that I might finally get some answers!

Armin passed the pocket watch to Levi, who barely glanced at it before tossing it to me. I caught it deftly and absentmindedly began to play with the chain, lacing it between my fingers and wrapping it around my wrist.

Armin reached into the bag again and produced a chain attached to a sword-shaped pendant with a blue gem in the intersection between the hilt and the blade. He looked it over, inspecting every centimetre.

"The gem appears to be a sapphire," he noted, "And I think the pendant is silver. That's pretty valuable, even without the sentimental attachment." He handed it back to me, and I started to intertwine the two chains. Armin began to pull out one of the notebooks, but stopped short.

"Axis," he said, "Can I see your palms?"

Surprised, I set down the necklace and the watch and held out my hands, palms outstretched. Armin leaned in close to get a better look, and even Levi seemed interested. He traced with his eyes the remnants of the tattoos that had been scarred over countless times.

"What are those?" he asked. I looked at them again. I couldn't recall what they had originally looked like, but both seemed to be a circle. On one of them, I could barely make out what looked like an arrow in the middle. Something that resembled writing could be found in traces around the outer perimeter of each circle.

"Just another mystery from the past," I sighed, "I have another tattoo as well. Would you like to see that one too?"

"If you can show us," Armin said, "Yes. It might be important."

I nodded and pulled up the sleeve on my left arm. About halfway up my forearm was an odd looking black mark about the size of my fist. Though not really sure what the symbol was, I thought it looked like a phoenix with a hooked beak and a pointed tail.

"What is it supposed to be?" Armin asked. I shrugged.

"I'm as clueless as you," I said. I flicked my hand toward the bag, "C'mon, let's move onto the notebooks!" I felt excitement begin to flare in my belly. Maybe this was it! Maybe this was the day I finally regained my memory; when I would find out who I was!

Armin took out a shorter one with a soft, black leather cover. On the inside of the cover, I saw, painted in white, a snake with wings on a cross of sorts. Slowly, with the anticipation building, we turned to the first page. There was a minute of tense silence, then: "I can't read it."

I felt my spirit crush into a hundred pieces. Armin couldn't read it either? So it wasn't just me. Until now, I had always had the sneaking suspicion that The Thorn of the Rose had taught me a different written language than was commonly used. The fact that neither Armin nor Levi could read it confirmed that my beliefs were unfounded.

We opened the second one. This one was taller with w plain blue cover. Inside there were hand-drawn images of some strange red symbols and the same mark I had on my arm. However, try as we might, no one could translate a single word.

I carefully set everything back into the bag and slid it under my bed.

"Thanks for trying to help," I told Armin, "You're a good friend. However!" I clapped my hands together, "I am absolutely tired and I'd like to sleep. If that's okay," I turned to Captain Levi, who gave me a small nod. He and Armin left, and I watched them go, listening until their footsteps were too far away to hear.

And then I buried my face in my hands and cried.