CHAPTER 5

I held the necklace in my hand, looking into the depths of the sapphire and admiring the way the light glittered off of it's facets. Not for the first time, I wondered where I had gotten it. Maybe it was from my parents, and they had given it to me as a present for my birthday? Maybe it was from a boyfriend who had died in the breach of Wall Maria. Or, perhaps it was a family heirloom, passed down for generations!

Which left me to think: did I even like wearing necklaces? I hadn't worn one for the eighteen months I could remember, because it would've only served as a nuisance and a possible health hazard if I got into a fight. No jewelry was the safest option.

I slipped the necklace over my head. The pendant was heavier on my neck than I had anticipated, and I couldn't decide whether it was comfortable or not. I figured I'd wear it all day before deciding if I liked it.

But just as I was about to put it on, I hesitated. What If I lost it? That would be like losing a part of my identity! I lowered my hands and put the necklace away, back in my bag. I had done the same thing with my pocket watch moments before, and I had come to the same conclusion: the sense of happiness I got from the objects wasn't worth losing them forever.

I sat for a moment, doing nothing. I didn't want to attend the meting today. In fact, all I really felt like doing was sleeping. I'd had those days in the past: I'd wake up, get some water, and immediately go back to sleep. Then, throughout the day, I would wake up to eat or use the restroom, or whatnot, and I would continue my hibernation. I had always woken up the next day feeling refreshed, so I would often do things like that the day after a kill as a little reward for myself.

Sighing heavily, I stood up and walked down the stairs. I was the last person to sit at the table, and the only place left was next to Captain Levi. I toyed with the idea of asking someone to move, but it seemed like everyone was getting impatient, so I kept my trap shut and sat down.

"So," Commander Erwin began, "Here's what's going to happen tomorrow. We will take up the avoidance formation and venture out near the woods. I've heard some rumors of a strange titan being sighted recently, and although they probably hold no stock, it's still a good idea to check them out," he stood up and passed around some papers, "Here are your teams and responsibilities."

I reached up to take mine but the Commander passed over me. A little confused and unsure, timidly, I raised my hand as he sat back down. Erwin cocked his eyebrow at me, seeming more than a little amuse at my awkward behaviour.

"Yes, Axis?"

"Um, I didn't get my assignment," I said, "Does that mean I'm staying here?"

"On the contrary," Erwin said, "Out east a-ways there was a research team that went to study the titans' habits outside of captivity. They are presumed dead. However," he paused to take a breath, "We believe that their findings may still be intact. You are to go out there and collect it."

"By myself?" I shrieked, "That's suicide!"

"No it's not," Levi took a sip of tea. I looked at him, bewildered.

"No disrespect intended, sir," I hissed through clenched teeth, "But I'm pretty sure going out in the open by myself would be considered suicide by anyone sane."

Levi scoffed.

"You don't have a scent to the titans," he said, "You'll be fine. Having anyone else with you would simply put you in danger. Actually, a big reason we're all taking that little escapade in the opposite direction is to decrease the chances of them actually coming across you in the first place. Feel special yet? This whole thing revolves around you."

I sat, shocked. Everyone stared at me, and I shrank into my seat. I remembered that Eren had mentioned that 'that assassin' didn't have a scent, but I guess I hadn't really registered it then.

"Any questions?" Commander Erwin looked around the group. I raised my hand again.

"I won't be expected to use the ODM gear, will I?" I asked, "Because, I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared for that."

"Do you ever think?" Levi grabbed a fistful of my hair and turned my head to face his, "Use your brain for once. It's too flat. You'll be riding."

His breath was hot on my face, and I wrinkled my nose.

"Yeah, I got it," I growled, "Will you let go? This hurts."

Levi released my hair and took another drink of tea. What was wrong with him? Did he have to be so freaking physical? I rubbed my head and glared at him reproachfully.

"Meeting adjourned," Erwin concluded, "Time for training."

Everyone stood up and began to move away from the table, going off in their separate directions until the only ones left were Armin and myself. Armin wandered over to me.

"You look like you want to vent," he suggested lightly, "Is it about Captain Levi?" I clenched my fist, desperately wishing that I had a blade.

"He's so annoying, treating me like an idiot," I seethed, "His stupid face...does he even know what a smile is? And he straight up pulled my hair! Ow! Why did I have to sit next to him, anyway? I figured for sure that place would've been taken by Petra or Oluo. Come to think of it," I paused, thinking, "Huh. That's weird. Why was that chair empty?"

"I overheard him telling people not to sit there," Armin said, "My guess is he wanted to make you uncomfortable."

"Whaaa'?" I felt my jaw drop, "That sadistic little... I'll have his head!" I kicked the wall and winced as my toes started to throb.

"Careful," Armin looked worried, "You're still not fully healed. It's only been a couple of weeks, and we don't want you to reopen the wound."

I touched my side, delicately running my fingers along the sutures. The stab wound was healing well, and Hanji (who, for some reason, was in charge of the medical stuff) said she would be able to remove them safely next week.

"Well, if that's the case, why am I being forced to ride a horse for miles on end?" I growled, "That's just as dangerous."

"No one's forcing you to work with us," Armin said, "You have other options. You could hide in the city again, as you already have experience with that. Or, because you don't have a scent you'll be safe from the titans, so you could venture out into the world. Personally," he smiled, "I rather enjoy having you in the Scout Regiment. You're fun to talk to, even if you do complain a lot, and you put a new perspective on things. I think you should stay, but it's up to you, in the end."

I fell silent, a warm glow spreading through my chest. Was this what people knew as "feeling touched"? I had talked to Armin quite a bit since joining the Scouts, and I considered us to be close, despite the ridiculous age gap, but this was the first time I really grasped that he thought of me as a friend as well.

My first friend is fourteen years younger than me, I realized, That's a bit weird. But I smiled anyway.

At least I have a friend.

"I'll stay," I assured him, "Sorry to gripe so much, but the Captain does seem to go out of his way to torment me."

"Maybe he's falling for you," Armin proposed, giving me a half-smirk. I rounded on him, fury boiling in my blood.

"Don't you ever suggest that again," I snarled, "Oh, that makes me sick."

"Relax!" Armin backed up a few centimetres, "I was just kidding."

"Yeah, you'd better be," I grumbled. I ran a hand through my hair and puffed out my cheeks.

"Well," I said, walking up the stairs, "I'd better get ready for the ride tomorrow. Pack some stuff, probably get some food for me and Kaze. I'll need to be prepared in case I get lost, or the journey is longer than I anticipate. I'll need a knife, of course, and probably some rope. Lots of water, obviously. Can't live without that."

"Sounds like you have it all covered," Armin said, "You can get it all together later. There's a group outside practicing hand-to-hand combat; that seems like something you'd enjoy."

"That is my kind of thing!" I said, cheering up a bit, "Okay, I'll join you in a moment, I just need to do something really quick. See you outside, okay?"

Armin nodded and we parted ways. I climbed the rest of the stairs, grateful to have some space to myself, even if it was only for a few minutes. I was accustomed to being alone, and the past while I'd spent with the Survey Corps taught me that my emotional energy drained very easily when I was around other people, especially if engaged in small talk.

So I sought "me-time" whenever I could. That was all I really needed right now: recharge. Of course, a few minutes wasn't near long enough to do anything good, but it was all I could get, so it was what I took.

I stepped into my room, thinking about the meeting. That research data would hopefully help us get a step farther in our knowledge of the titans, and that meant we'd eventually get the upper hand and humanity would win this battle!

I beamed to myself. Armin's optimism must've rubbed off on me a bit. Optimism was always something I had avoided because it could be dangerous. I tended to have what would be considered a realist's view, and I lived by a saying: "Hope for the best, expect the worst, and prepare for both". It seemed to work well enough.

I picked up the pocket watch again and ran my finger over the embossing. What could it mean? I was pretty sure I had never heard mention of dragons in my eighteen months, but how else would I know what it was?

I popped it open. The hands were stuck pointing to 1:52, and they had been like that since I woke up. I wondered briefly why it had stopped. I couldn't seem to wind it, and I couldn't get into the back of it to see how it was powered either. Where did I get it? The theory of the family heirloom would work better with it than it would with the necklace, but because I didn't have anything solid, I didn't try to think about it very much.

I sighed. I set the watch back down and peered out of my window. Down below, like Armin had said, a group was working heavily on hand-to-hand. Mikasa was kicking butt, to no one's surprise. Eren went after his opponent with too much fire, and was blinded by his excitement. Armin seemed to not be doing so well: he attacked too weakly and his defense was almost non-existent. I shook my head and began to climb down the wall.

I hit the ground without anyone noticing, which made me very happy. I interrupted a one-sided spar between Petra and Armin.

"Excuse me Petra," I said, "Do you mind if I borrow your sparring partner?"

Petra shrugged and I grabbed Armin's wrist and pulled him away to an open spot. Once we were clear of everyone else I took up an defensive stance.

"Alright," I said, "Attack me!"

Armin hesitated for just a moment before running at me. He made a move like he was ready to strike me, but before he could come close to it, I hit him in the abdomen with my arm and flipped him over onto his back. He groaned, eyes rolling into the back of his head.

"Sorry," I mumbled, "I guess I was a little too aggressive with you," I held out my hand and helped him up, "Maybe it'll be better if we we try this the other way around with a little more guidance from me. Here," I chose another position, hands in fists and and arms held in front of my chest, "Do that exactly and don't stop."

Armin followed suit, and I faced him.

"Ready?" I called, "GO!"

I kicked out at him and my foot hit his arms, stopping. Armin flinched, but didn't drop his arms. I grinned.

"Well done!" I praised, lowering my foot, "That's a parrying position used against the same attack I showed you. For educational purposes, we'll call it P1, okay? Over the course of today's training, I won't use my full abilities because I don't want you to break anything, but as long as you're learning it should be good."

"Thanks,"Armin said, gratitude glimmering in his eyes, "I really needed this."

"Yeah, I know," I smirked, "But that's okay. In battle, it is not only important to know your enemy's weaknesses, but your own as well. If you don't know what you can't do, your chances of getting killed increase greatly. Now do this," I showed him another stance. We worked on defensive combat for hours until the sun set.

"You're doing a lot better," I said warmly, "Congratulations!"

"Thanks," Armin rubbed his neck, "I'm glad you have some faith in me because I don't feel like I'm progressing at all."

"Sometimes it takes an outsider's eye," I said, "C'mon, let's go back inside and get some rest. And some food. I'm starving!"

"Can you cook?" Armin asked curiously as we stepped over the threshold. I though for a moment.

"Good question," I said, "It's entirely possible that I'd learned before I lost my memory, but as an assassin I never needed to; actually, all that supplies required to cook would just get in the way, especially if I needed to move at a moment's notice. I would usually just eat cold rations, or if a target of mine had hot food at the ready I'd take it after the kill. That was about my knowledge of food. The stuff we have here is for for royalty in comparison!" I laughed as we sat down, "Anyway, let's eat!"

;;;;;;;;;;;

Back in my room I laid in my bed, twirling the necklace chain around my fingers. I didn't usually handle the necklace or the pocket watch, but they had been giving me such satisfaction lately. I was getting closer to the answers, I could feel it.

"You better be done packing if you have time to lounge."

I jolted, startled, and groaned when I registered exactly who it was.

"Captain," I greeted politely, sitting up, "Yes, I'm ready. My saddlebags and my back-bag are full of anything I might need, or so I hope."

Levi nodded. I expected him to say something condescending, but he didn't speak at all. Instead, we lapsed into a comfortable silence, both of us focused only on the thoughts in our own heads. I snuck a glance at the Captain. He was leaning against the door frame with his arms folded and his eyes to the ceiling, probably thinking about tomorrow and the horrors it would bring.

A sudden, crushing guilt slammed down onto my shoulders. Levi had said that part of the reason they had coordinated the expedition to fall at the same time as my solo mission was so my risk of running into titans would be greatly reduced. If anyone died, would everyone blame me? Would I blame me? I had never really dwelt over the deaths of others before. I had killed for a living, so I had learned to be heartless and cold.

So why would I care now?

"Oh, you'll probably need this," Levi said, walking over to me. I looked up at him, and he handed me the dagger. I tried my best not to look too eager when I took it from his grasp, though I'm sure he'd seen right through me.

"Does this mean you trust me?" I ventured. Levi snorted.

"Don't flatter yourself," he sneered, "You'll need to do more than just be willing to go out and retrieve something to gain my trust. But, tell you what: return with the research, and I might think about liking you."

"Oh, goody," I muttered, "So what do I have to do in order for you to start trusting me?"

Levi looked me directly in the eye.

"You'd need to save my life," he said coolly. He turned toward the door, "Good luck with that." I watched him as he left, half-cloak swishing to the rhythm of his steps.

He's rather odd, I decided, twirling my blade through my fingers. The repeated motion combined with the comforting weight of the knife was almost hypnotic. I yawned, my small mouth stretching almost to it's limits, and fell asleep with the dagger in hand.