Again, Frederikke left without any way of contacting Signe. No phone number, no email address. She didn't even know where she had stayed the past few days. Not even a place where she knew the other would come. She had nothing.
And of course she only realised this when she was almost home.
Once inside her house, Frederikke headed straight for the shower. Not that she really had to, Signe and she had showered together the night before. But she needed time to think, and what better place to do that than in the shower?
She put a calming song on repeat, one she had been listening to again and again since she met Signe. Then, she grabbed her favourite jumper and some nice joggers and headed into the shower. While she waited for the water to turn warm, she tippled on her toes to keep herself warm.
Finally, she deemed the temperature right and she stepped under the water, let it embrace and relax her. Frederikke closed her eyes. Breathed in deep and just relaxed. She tried not to think of anything, nothing at all. But Signe seemed to be all around her, her hands still seemed to linger on her body, her taste still on Frederikke's lips.
How could she let this happen? Why did she always end up in situations like this? Why did she let it happen a second time?
With a sigh, she brushed the hair out of her face.
"Frederikke, you are an idiot", she told herself. "A really big idiot."
Her legs started to feel like pudding and she felt slightly dizzy from the heat. She sat down on the floor, head resting against the wall.
"How am I ever going to get out of this mess?"
The answer was simple. She wasn't. The mess got bigger and bigger. It didn't help that Daan returned from his trip and Frederikke just thought of it as a nuisance. Nor did it help that he confronted her about her behaviour.
"You've been so distant the past few weeks. You barely texted me while I was gone, you don't want to go out together or… Or cuddle. It's like you don't care about me anymore. Is there someone else?"
His words had hurt her, in a way. She didn't mean to be this way, to create distance between them. Betraying him was the last thing on her mind. Yet here she was, doing exactly that.
"It's nothing, I just feel a little stressed", she had said. While speaking, she had avoided Daan's eyes. "Just need a break from work, need some time to collect myself." She almost believed herself.
But it appeared that a break could not stop her thoughts either. Everywhere she went, it was always Signe. Be it her eyes, her voice, her touch. Even the colour of her hair or her skin seemed to haunt Frederikke.
Her boss noticed and told her off, which only made her mood worse. After two weeks, she was about to kick everyone who would get in her way.
One more word and she would break. One more bad thing that would happen and she would lose her cool. She was so done with the insecurity, the effect Signe had on her. Hated how she missed that woman that only seemed to toy with her and didn't take her seriously. Done with everything and everyone.
It was nothing like her to feel this way. Sure, she had crushed on a woman before, that's how she had discovered that she was bi-sexual. But it was new to her that the feelings were so strong and didn't seem to leave her. Every little bit of information about Signe got sucked into her brain, as if there was a dried out sponge up there. Every little detail, every sound and every gesture was carved into her, only to haunt her when Signe was gone. It drove her mad.
Usually, Frederikke had small crushes. It had been that way all the time, until she had met Daan. But even that was nothing compared to the feelings she harboured for Signe. He was more of a companion to her, someone to share your stories with while drinking a beer after work. Daan really was her best friend and she was so lucky to have him.
Yet these feelings for Signe were taking control of her life and Frederikke feared it. She feared what they were doing to her, how they were ruining the stable little life she had built in the past few years. They might ruin it all.
Daan grew more and more impatient with her, until he eventually gave up trying. He didn't talk to her about the different behaviour anymore, he didn't initiate contact, didn't kiss her good night. At a certain point, they just co-existed in their homes. They were no longer a couple.
Frederikke knew she had to explain to him what was going on, needed to tell him that there was someone else running around in her head. It was the least she could do after everything he had put up with.
But she didn't dare to. She was too afraid of what he would say now, too deep in the ocean, lured in by Signe's eyes. It was as if the woman was a siren, that sang beautifully for her. And Frederikke just jumped right into the icy water, not caring that she couldn't swim. The siren dragged her down, killed her and robbed her from everything that was dear to her. She used her and Frederikke couldn't do anything but smile happily at her pretty face.
So she hid her secret behind a mask of happiness and kept increasing the distance between her and Daan.
In the end, it was Frederikke who caved in. Who broke down crying at the dinner table, sobbing her sorrows out. She told Daan what had happened, told him how she felt and why she had been behaving the way she had.
He didn't get mad. He didn't shout, scream or bang his fist on the table. He didn't even say a word. His eyes were trained on Frederikke, who still cried, head between her hands.
"I'm glad you finally told me", he said and he sounded so heartbroken it hurt. Then he got up and left the house, closing the door softly behind him.
A part of Frederikke really wanted to run after him, apologise and tell him that she didn't mean what she had said, that she wanted him back. But the other, bigger part of her knew that it wouldn't work anymore. She had already made her choice the night she had left to find Signe again, and there was no going back.
For how long she had been sitting at the dinner table, food gone cold and Daan gone, she didn't know. Long enough for the lights outside to go on. Not long enough for the pain to go away. Of all the things that could have happened, Daan leaving was the worst. Now she was truly alone, with no one to run to.
She decided that perhaps she should just call it a night. Without cleaning up anything, she went to bed. Stripped off her clothes and let them lie on the floor. Crawled into her bed and pulled the covers over her head. With a sigh, she rolled onto her side and stared at the wall.
"Well… This is where it ends", she whispered to nothing in particular. There wasn't anyone to talk to, yet here she was.
"I mean, I guess his reaction should have been something to expect. Of course he was not going to stay after what I've done. But I had expected him to get upset, to yell at me or something. The way he reacted now was kind of creepy. Also Daan-like, in a way." Frederikke sighed again and pulled the covers closer around her.
"Way to go Frederikke, way to go…" Not long after, she fell asleep.
In her dreams, she met Signe again. They were going out together and had been a pair for a long time. Frederikke was going to propose to her today and the nerves were running through her body. Everyone around her wished her luck. It was the perfect setting, wonderfully romantic, complete with sunset and music. But just when Signe was going to give her answer, Frederikke woke up, back into the real world.
At least she now knew that she was pretty serious about that woman, she thought while she was getting her breakfast ready. Not once had she thought or dreamed about getting married to Daan, or any of her exes. Signe really was something special. But it was still unsure how the other felt, and if the recent events were anything to go by, the woman wasn't half as serious as Frederikke was.
She had no plans for today. Daan would probably come back to retrieve his things from their home, which was now her home. Most likely, she would go look for something cheaper though. It would be strange to walk around the rooms that held so many memories.
Only now did she realise what she had done. What had happened, how she had destroyed everything she had. They say you only know what you have once it's gone. For this situation, it was surely true.
For the first time since she had met Signe and had made the choice to follow her, Frederikke cried. Everything dear to her, everything she had held in honour, was now gone, perished because of what she had done. Her world seemed to come crashing down around her as she realised that she was all on her own.
Right at that point, Daan decided to drop by. He caught her crying and moved towards her. But he stopped himself. It wasn't his place anymore to console her, wasn't him she needed. So he turned around and headed into the bedroom. To Frederikke, it felt like a punch to the stomach.
It only took Daan a few days to get everything cleared out. Frederikke didn't know where he was staying, possibly with his sister or his brother. Perhaps he had found a new home. It wasn't important. Day after day, Frederikke had stood under the water, trying to wash away the feeling that still resided in her chest. And every time she stepped out, the feeling didn't go away.
She remembered the times she had showered with Signe, the time they had made out in front of the mirror. Every time she saw her own body, she saw the woman's hands roam over her skin, squeeze her, scratch her. Her lips still seemed to touch her, whispers of kisses on her neck, her shoulders. It drove her to madness.
Her dreams were not much better. They were always filled with Signe, the two of them going on dates, sitting in a living room together, cooking together or making love. It was always Signe, everywhere she went.
At some point, Frederikke couldn't take it anymore. She had broken down in her bedroom, screaming at the walls, the mirror, the bed. Telling the universe, god or any deity that had control over her that she wanted to be cured from this curse. That she didn't want to be haunted anymore. But it didn't help.
The room had captured all of her sobs, kept them from the outside world. It hid the tears that fell from her cheeks, the screams she had let out. No one saw how she lost her cool, how she thrashed around in the sheets and ripped at her hair, her clothes.
When she finally collected herself again, she felt exhausted. A part of her wanted to go for another shower, but her body refused to listen to her. So Frederikke stayed where she was, a blanket pooled around her feet, clothes a mess and hair all over the place. That's how she fell asleep for hours, until late in the afternoon the next day.
That night, she ventured out again. To the place where it had all started. She didn't expect to find the other woman there. The point of her visit was to drink the pain away, a last time trip. After this, she wouldn't return to that place anymore, she had told herself.
But Signe was there, of course she was there. And this time, she was looking at Frederikke. Their eyes met as soon as the other walked through the door. It seemed as if Signe had been waiting all evening for her, eyes trained on the doorway.
Unlike the other times, Frederikke didn't freeze up. She didn't wait for Signe to come over to where she stood. Instead, Frederikke headed to the bar and ordered a drink, knocking it over in one go. "Let her come", she thought. "I'm ready."
Signe did come over. Hips swaying like they always did, eyes set on her prey, like the last time. A soft smile around her lips this time. She seemed happy to see Frederikke.
"We keep running into each other, don't we", she said as a greeting. Frederikke nodded and called for a second drink.
"Seems like we do."
They didn't talk a lot more after that, instead let their eyes wander across the room. In the end, they'd end up looking at each other again. Signe moved closer to Frederikke until their arms were touching, which earned her a raised brow.
"Ready to get out of here yet, or do you need a few more drinks", Signe asked after a while.
"No, I'm good. Your place or mine?"
For the first time, Signe let Frederikke decide, who settled for her own place. A part of her just really wanted to show off what she had, even if it wasn't much. It was exciting to know that Signe would see her house, her bedroom, her bathroom. To Frederikke, it felt as if your long high school crush finally came to visit you for a study session together. She felt nervous.
Once at home, they quickly tumbled into the bedroom, taking no time to turn on lights or appreciate what was inside the room. Just like the first time, they were all over each other. Touching, feeling, tasting and exploring. Signe was a little louder than the other times, sighing whenever Frederikke's hands moved around her skin.
They took their time caressing and playing. Frederikke wasn't in a hurry to wrap things up, instead wanted to savour the feeling of having Signe beneath her. They kissed lots.
When things finally came to an end, Frederikke and Signe were both exhausted. Panting and sweating, they collapsed onto the bed and stared at each other. It was too dark to actually see a lot, but they still looked.
"So, what are we", Frederikke suddenly asked after regaining her breath. The question startled Signe and she didn't respond at first.
"If you are asking if we are dating, we're not. I don't date people."
That was a shock. It felt as if someone had just hit Frederikke in the stomach and then twisted their fist around for a little. Yes, it hurt and it wasn't fun at all.
"Oh", she managed. Then she turned around.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you", Signe said. Frederikke shrugged, but the gesture was lost in the darkness.
"Good night", Frederikke mumbled and hid herself under the blanket.