AN: Thank you all for your reviews. All of your positive feedback keeps me motivated to write more. I hope you all let me know your reaction to this chapter. I enjoyed writing it. I hope you enjoy reading it. This chapter has been revised thanks to the wisdom of elbeewoods.

Chapter 3

Now What?

Today is the day Jax will realize our relationship is over. I know our conversations will be brutal for me. The hardest thing for me to accept is the loss of family. I almost had it all with Abel and even Jax. At least I had a family for a short time. My little bump, that I love so much, is giving me the permanent family that I have always wanted. I will always honor Jax's rights as the father of our baby. I hope Jax will want to be my friend because that way Abel can be a big brother. I am so excited because Abel is home, safe and sound. I can only hope Wendy will be a good mother for Abel. I wish I could see Abel before Jax goes to jail. There is no way that Jax would bring Abel to visit me here. As I am walking through the house I hear my burner cell phone. I know it's Jax. I'm just not ready to talk to him yet. Five minutes later, the phone rings again. If nothing else, I know he is persistent. Two minutes later it rings again. "Hi Jax"

"Finally, where the hell have you been, Tara? I thought you would be here at TM when we got home."

And now it begins,"Well, Jax, I thought you were going to call me when you arrived. Right now I am at home. I actually got off early today."

I can already sense something is different in Tara's voice. "I thought you would be anxious to see Abel."

I know exactly how Jax thinks this will play out. "Of course I would love to see Abel. I was just waiting to hear from you."

I am really feeling uncomfortable now. I know my Tara, and I can feel her ambivalence toward me. "Tara, I would like to meet you at our home in Charming as soon as possible. I have church later. I am going to jail in a few days and I don't have a lot of time."

I have to be very clear and strong as I tell Jax, "I am sorry Jax. The only way I can see Abel or meet with you is to have you come to my home. I am more than willing to make you and Able supper. I live in Merced which is about sixty miles away from Charming."

Shit, I can't believe Tara is doing this to me. "I just don't have the time to drive to Merced, Tara. I just don't understand why you can't come to meet us in Charming."

Now, I am pissed, "I really don't care if you understand me at all Jax. I am really trying to be accommodating here. I don't care if you can't find the time."

"I am surprised you even found the time to call me."

"Goodbye, Jax."

"No, no, no don't hang up, Tara."

"Okay, Jax…now what?"

I almost blew it completely with Tara. I have to see her. I have to make us whole as a family. I have to do this for Abel and my unborn child. The problem is Tara may not want me anymore.

"Please give me your address, and I will be there as soon as I can."

I will give Jax a chance to be fair.

"Here is my address and I trust you to keep it to yourself."

"Babe, I promise to keep it our secret. I will be there. I love you, Tara."

Clay will be pissed...tough, I have no choice.

I wonder if Jax will actually come here? I bet some kind of emergency will come up. Laying my hands on my stomach, well little bump, I think we will just pretend your daddy is coming and make something delicious for supper.

Two hours later, Jax has Abel packed and ready to go see his momma. "Momma," that's right, little man, your momma." Getting Abel out of the arms of my mother was ridiculous. It was a vivid reminder of how unreasonable Gemma can be. I packed up all of Abel's things from Gemma's and TM. I just hope my plan works. It has to work for me and Abel. Tara could never deny Abel.

Jax and Abel are finally on the road.

I am fascinated by the beauty of the back country roads leading to Merced. I can't help thinking how perfectly suited this land and scenery is for my Tara. It reminds me of our special place when we were young and in love. The thrill of Tara riding with me on my new Harley when I turned sixteen; I remember it like it was yesterday. There was a huge tree at our special place and I recall carving a heart on the tree. I remember writing JNT=TGKT. I knew then that she owned my heart. She has always owned my heart.

I think way down deep I still harbor anger because she left me to go to school. She left me to accomplish her dream. She left me and became a doctor.

Abel is alive today because of Tara. She saved Abel with her healing hands.

She came back to me. Oh God, what have I done.

I forgot Tara. I forgot her trauma when Abel was ripped out of her arms by a madman, let alone by a man she saved weeks before. I forgot that Tara watched Half Sack being killed in front of her eyes. I was blinded by my own pain and selfishness.

I forgot Tara.

Tara never forgot me. When she left me for school she begged me to go with her. Tara never wanted to leave me. She wanted me to become something better than the club. She always said I was the smartest person she knew. I was the one who made the choice. It was Tara or the club. I chose the club.

It is all so clear to me now.

This club now has me going to jail. This club almost killed my son. This club made Salazar almost kill Tara. This club did kill Donna. This club is why my own mother was gang rapped by a bunch of nazi pigs.

I am so ashamed of what I have done. I am ashamed of what this club has become. My father didn't want this for me. How could he? That was the message he was trying to write in his manuscript of vague thoughts for values forgotten. I recall my dad's note on the second page of his book:

For my sons, Thomas, who is already at peace. And Jackson, may he never know this life of chaos.

How could I have been so blind. I wanted the thrill of the outlaw life. I liked the power of making money by selling guns. The danger and violence made me fearless and reckless...and stupid too.

But, I also love my brothers. The question is do I love them more than Abel, Tara, and my unborn child. The answer is simple I want them both. I want my family and my club.

Damn, it ain't going to happen. It is time for me as a man to start owning my place. I realize that is exactly what Tara is doing. She will never return to Charming. Charming has put her and my children in harms way. My life has put my family in danger.

My behavior towards Tara is reprehensible, let alone cruel and disgusting. She deserves better. She deserves to be treated with respect, understanding, and tender loving care. I am afraid that I have probably killed her intense love for me. Actually, I bet that is exactly what I have done. The only thing I know for certain is I am the father of her unborn child. That bond she would honor between us. But she won't trust me to be faithful...how could she? Finding me with Ima...she knew my reasoning was bullshit.

Perhaps it is time to accept who I really am. But I am so confused and conflicted. Who am I really?

I have just arrived at Tara's home. Here goes nothing...

Well, my little bump, it looks like your daddy and big brother have come to visit. When I open the door I am greeted with a bright smile shining on Abel's face as he tries to push himself out of Jax's arms into mine. I hug him tight and try to hide my tears.

Abel is giggling sounds of joy saying, "momma."

Shit this is so much more unbearable than I ever imagined. I almost forgot Abel had just started calling me momma before he was taken...he didn't forget me.

I look up at Jax. Is he crying? His hands are shaking as he tries to wipe away his tears. "Sit down, Jax." We just sit and stare at each other, knowing we have no idea of what to say or how to say it. Our tears say more than words can convey. I start to tickle Abel and the ring of his laughter helps to ease the tension in the air.

"I made spaghetti. Are you hungry, Jax?"

"Yes, of course. You always made the best spaghetti."

"I have a highchair for Abel too."

After dinner, Jax helps to clear the table and clean the kitchen. "Tara do you have a place where I can change Abel and lay him down?"

"Of course, let me take care of Abel. You look like you could use a drink and relax on the couch. Help yourself Jax. Beer is in the fridge and Jameson is in the cupboard."

I have never felt this awkward or nervous around Tara before. I really do need a shot of Jameson. I know Tara needs one too but she is pregnant, and drinking is not an option.

Looking around Jax sees Tara's home is warm and inviting. I wonder when she had time to draw all of these paintings hanging on her walls? As Tara walks back into the living room, her beauty still takes my breath away.

"Jax, what's going on?"

That's my girl straight and direct with no bullshit. "Tara I wish I could answer you. But right now I have no idea of what's going on in my life. What I do know is I hurt you, and treated you badly. I know the only reason you are allowing me to visit is so you can see Abel and check him out to make sure he is unharmed."

"Jax, don't be so hard on yourself. What happened between us belongs to me too. I know the kind of life you lead. I allowed myself to get caught up in our love for a while, until it all blew up in our faces. For now, I hope we can just be friends and leave all the bitterness behind us."

"Seriously, Tara you would still be willing to be my friend?"

Tara responds in kind."Give me a break, Jax. We have always been friends. At least as friends we don't have to worry about getting hurt or breaking any deals."

"Yeah, like the deal breaker I did with the despicable porn slut. I know you will never forgive me for that betrayal. I also know I have broken any trust you ever had for me. I just need to tell you how ashamed and mortified I am for disrespecting and hurting you like I did. My actions are unforgivable and I will live with the regret of hurting you for the rest of my life. The consequences of my behavior ever since Abel was taken are brutal. I forgot you, Tara. I was so blinded by my own pain and fear, I forgot about your pain and fear. You were the victim of a madman out for revenge. You were also terrorized by the man who loves you more than life itself. I know I killed your love for me. I know I killed everything good in my life when I did that to you. I am a tortured soul Tara, and I don't know how to live my life anymore."

"I wish I could help you Jax. But, I can't. I am as tortured as you are."

"I know, babe. We make quite a pair. Tara I am going to jail in two days. I can't leave Abel in Charming. I don't want Abel with anyone else but you."

"But, Jax, what happens to Abel when you get out?"

"I am not sure. But, I know he will not be taken from you."

"Are you asking me to adopt Abel?"

"Absolutely, is that okay with you?"

"What about Wendy?"

"Tara, remember Wendy signed all of her parental rights away from Abel. The authorities were ready to charge her with endangerment of a fetus unless she signed her rights away. Wendy has no legal standing in Abel's life."

Tears pour from Tara's eyes, she never thought Jax would give her Abel. Jax and Tara embrace and hold onto each other tightly. "Tara we have a lot to figure out. But, for now I want Abel to stay here. I have all of his stuff in the truck. I will contact Lowen for the adoption papers. No one knows where you are and I want to keep it that way. I don't want Gemma to know either. Daily phone calls to Piney are no longer necessary. And, Tara no more calls to Wendy!"

"Okay Jax." Before Jax leaves, he kisses Tara passionately. She feels like a freight train has rolled over her.