"...You heading somewhere?" I asked quietly.

Yukio looked up at me from where he stood by the front door. He nodded. "Yes. I need to talk to..." He trailed off, then sighed. "I just need to take care of some buisness. I'll be back in a few hours." He finished.

I nodded slowly, then shrugged. "Alright. See you later." Yukio eyed me carefully, and I realized I wasn't acting like myself. I forced myself to grin, and I waved him goodbye.

Yukio turned to open the door, then he paused. He glanced over his shoulder and offered me a quick, forced half-smile before the door shut behind him with a click. I waited, making sure he was gone, and I let my tail droop. I leaned against the wall and sighed, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my chest. Standing still only seemed to make it settle in the pit of my stomach, so I turned and made my way up the stairs, all evidence of a smile wiped from my face.

I continued up the stairs in silence until I reached our floor. The wooden boards creaked under my bare feet, the only sound that broke the silence of the dorm. I went to our room and dropped down onto my bed. My sword bounced on the mattress, still laying there from where I'd dropped it when we had gotten back.

My body still felt uncomfortably hot, so I grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head. I threw it on the floor and leaned my elbows on my knees. I placed my head into my hands and sighed again, rubbing my face in an attempt to distract myself from my swirling thoughts.

All that was left to do was wait. Yukio was most likely going to the bigshots to tell them what happened and file an official report. My situation was entirely in their hands now, and they'd have control over what happened to me... but given their hatred of me and my existance, I wouldn't be surprised if they issued another order to kill me. I'd made it two years since that last death sentence, and I'd (barely) passed my exam, but who knew what those bastards would do... I may not make it to my eighteenth birthday.

I knew I should be scared, or angry, or something, but I couldn't muster up any of those emotions. No hate, no rage or resentment... I couldn't feel anything but my painfully dry skin and the growing pressure in my chest. I knew that feeling, I remembered it, and I knew what would help relieve it, but I had no choice but to try and ignore it, but oh, did I know it well. I remembered it from backt then, when I was ten... that's when it really started. That year... that was the year of dread, then there were those next two years of pain, and then, after that, recovery, but... it was hard. It was still hard, and it would always be hard for someone like me.

I clenched my teeth and lifted my head. I slapped both of my cheeks and shook my head. "Ah ah, you're not allowed to start thinking about that, Okumura, you're past that." I muttered to myself. I closed my eyes and collapsed back onto my bed.

I don't know how long I lay there, pushing down the memories and the thoughts, wanting to scream, or throw something, but it felt like an eternity, and with each passing moment, the aggression was just building and building... but I'd learned how to control my anger, to bottle it up and forget about it. And that's what would happen this time, just like the last time. I'd get over it. All these thoughts swirling inside my head, the thoughts that made me shiver despite the heat, they would all just settle in the back of my mind and they'd get buried again.

After a while, I couldn't take it anymore. I might have been sitting there for two minutes of two hours, and I needed to move. I needed to remind myself. I forced myself to get off the bed, and I made my way into the hallway. I moved down the hallway to the bathroom that I used. Yukio used the one upstairs, because he was touchy when it came to his shower things. I was alright with that, I didn't want him messing with my things, I didn't want him to see things I didn't want him to, he didn't need any more worry in his life, especially if it was meaningless worry.

I shut the bathroom door behind me and locked it. Kuro was asleep on Yukio's bed, last I saw, but I didn't want to risk him coming in.

I went to the closet and opened it up. There were a couple extra uniforms and towels, along with a ziplock bag that held my shower things like soap and my shaving stuff.

I unzipped the bag as I walked over to one of the many sinks. I dug through it, grumbling incoherently until I found what I was looking for. I withdrew my hand, my forefinger and thumb pinching a razor blade. The harsh light caught on it's metallic surface glimmered with deadly beauty. I cursed at myself for thinking like that, and I sneered at the blade. "This is what you want? You're an idiot, Okumura, a drop-dead idiot..." I whispered to myself, keeping my eyes trained on the sharp piece of metal.

I'd only taken it out to look at it, to remind myself of the shit I'd put myself through before, but... instead of making myself more determined to move on, the heavy, sinking feeling that was pressing down on my chest and squeezing my lungs and my heart was getting worse. That all too familiar feeling was egging me on, encouraging me to do what, deep inside, I really, really wanted to do. It would certainly replace the pain, albeit temporarily... but it would give me a little bit of a break so I could pull myself together and forget about this whole ordeal.

I shook my head and leaned against the sink. I pulled at my hair and felt the razor prick my ear. No! I couldn't go back to that! I was lucky enough to not be found out back then, when I last felt like this, but I couldn't risk it again! Back then, I was alone, I wasn't even really going to school often, and then I dropped out... But, now I was surrounded by people, constantly. I was in school, and I was doing training where I wouldn't want to be wearing long sleeves, if I even wanted to be wearing a shirt-

But... wait.

I let my hands drop slowly to rest on the edge of the sink. No... now that I had awoken to my demonic side, all of my wounds healed, right? Almost instantly? With no scars? That's right... I could do it, I could alleviate the pain and not have anything to show for it! I wouldn't worry Yukio, or anybody! ...That is, if they ever talked to me again... but... I could do it.

I looked down at my bare arm, letting my gaze run across the pale tan, soft skin of my underarm. I sucked in a breath. If you were looking for it, you could see faint, faint white lines from years and years ago... I'd noticed before, that when I had awoken, I still had scars from before I drew the sword, including a small scar on my forehead from the fight with Astaroth.

I clenched my teeth, and held my arm over the sink. The porceline was cold on the top of my arm, soothing my flaring temperature. I raised the razor and, trembling slightly, pressed it against the soft flesh of the inside of my wrist. I breathed in and dragged the blade across in a perfect line, causing beads of blood to well up and merge together. They dripped down, but I kept going. I did it again, and again, feeling more and more of the suffocating pressure leave my body along with the blood. I was seven cuts in when I noticed something that made me pause.

They weren't healing.

I blinked, eyeing the lacerations with curiousity. The blood still pulsed lazily with my heartbeat, but there wasn't a sign of the cuts closing, or even of the blood flow slowing down. I inhaled slowly and sent a controlled rush of flames down my arm, seeing if it would speed up the healing process. The adrenaline released with the blue fire only made my heart race, causing the blood to trickle faster, harder, making round, scarlet circles on the shockingly white sink.

My eyes widened as I realized what was happening, and I made myself move. Dropping the razor on the floor, I grabbed a fistful of tissues and pressed them against the cuts. "Fuck, fuck..." I hissed, pressing down and trying to get the bleeding to slow. I gritted my teeth slammed my eyes shut. I didn't wanna fucking bleed out, I just wanted to see if it would help!

I waited a moment, then opened my eyes. I slowly peeled the tissues away from the cuts, wincing a little as it stuck to the open wounds. The blood was clotting, and I sighed. I shook my head and rolled my eyes. I was just overreacting... those weren't nearly deep enough to make me bleed out.

I let the tissues fall into the sink, and I watched the wounds. Blood still seeped from the broken skin, but it was slow and dark. I raised my eyebrows, and closed my eyes.

Hm.

Interesting.

I flinched when I heard a door slam a floor down. I scrambled to throw away the bloodied tissues. I turned on the faucet and let the drops of blood disappear down the drain, before I quickly cleaned off the razor and shoved it into my pant's pocket.

"Nii-san?! I'm back!" Yukio called out. I clenched my jaw and made sure the bathroom looked fine, before I unlocked the door and darted down the hall to our room, where Yukio was just hanging up his coat. I clamped my mouth shut to stifle a yelp of surprise at appearence, and I pressed my arm to my side, hopeing there wasn't any visible blood.

Yukio cast a curious glance in my direction as he draped his gun belt over the back of his chair. "Practicing military stance?" He asked, sounding tired but amused. He leaned down to unlace his boots. "Straighten your back." He teased as he took off his shoes.

I chuckled nervously and inched towards my bed. Kuro was nowhere to be seen, thankfully, he would be able to smell the blood. I snatched up my shirt and put it on with a speed I previously thought inhumanly possible.

"Consider yourself lucky, Nii-san, that you didn't seriously injure someone." Yukio said as he stood up and placed his boots by the door. He turned around and watched me, his arms crossed. I slowly moved my hands behind my back, in case some blood was in his line of sight. "After I filed the report and listened to three hours of discussion, the officials were pretty set on locking you up for good until Mephisto stepped in and explained the situation." He murmured.

I paled. "A-ah, that so?" I muttered, sitting down on my bed and leaning back on my hands. Had I really been sitting there for three hours? It had felt like no time at all. Huh. Go figure. I snuck a glance at my sleeve and my heart skipped a beat. Blood was blooming through the white fabric, and it would be fairly visible if I didn't find something to cover it up fast. If Yukio saw it, I wouldn't be able to find a believeable excuse... I could say I got it from the mission, but then he might ask about the healing, or treating it, then-

"Nii-san, are you listening?"

I jumped and turned my attention back to my twin. I hadn't heard him talking at all.

"Uhhh..." I said intelligently, feeling a blush creep across my cheeks. Yukio sighed.

"I said, you need to be more careful. I know that Poludnica is a rather strong demon, and that it's easy for her to get inside someone's head, but you're an exorcist! You need to be prepared for things you don't expect, you have to be more careful. You..." Yukio took a deep breath and bit his lip, as if he were second guessing what he was about to say. I waited, waited for the sentence that I knew would drag me back down. "...You could kill someone, Nii-san, if you're not careful. I talked to the other students, and they were willing to forgive you this time, but next time..." Yukio shook his head and pinched his brow.

"...You can't let there be a next time... and if it so happens that there is one, I won't just shoot your shoulder. I-I'll have to kill you if it gets too out of hand." He managed to say.

I sat, wide eyed and staring at my brother. My hands shivered, and I felt the weight that I had just managed to get rid of creeping back in. I swallowed, and Yukio apparently couldn't take the tense staring contest we were stuck in. He turned away and went about organizing his already spotless desk.

At length, I stood up. I couldn't take this. I wouldn't sit here and be lectured anymore about things that were blatently obvious to me... even if it surprised me... he was able to say that so easily, how was he able to say that so easily?!

I sighed and grabbed my hooded sweatshirt, which hung over the top of my bunk. I pulled it over my head as I walked over to the door to our dorm room. "I'm going for a walk... I'll probably be back late." I murmured quietly, not looking at my twin. I placed my hand on the doorknob and noticed my hands were still shaking. I ignored this and opened the door.

"Nii-san, are you feeling okay?" Yukio asked, concern in his voice. I paused, then looked over my shoulder at him. I feigned a grin and shrugged.

"Y-yeah, why do you ask?" I lied. Not that it was very believable, but it was better than nothing... or the alternitive... the truth.

Yukio scowled at me and huffed. "I know when you're lying, Nii-san. Please tell me." He insisted.

I waved my hand at him in dismissal. "It's nothing for you to worry your ass about, I'm just dead tired, and I need some fresh air... I'll be fine." I assured him. I forced a laugh and left the room before I could see his reaction or before he could protest.

I tucked my hands into my pockets as I walked swiftly down the stairs and out the front door. I swore as a warm breeze assaulted me outside, and I shook my head to clear it. I knew there would be questions when I returned, and I wasn't looking forward to it, but I could put it off as long as possible.

My steps quickened as I made my way down the main walkway of the campus. It was getting dark already, and I could feeling my emotions growing again. I needed to get away from it all. From the sadness, the pain, the emptiness. That was it. Emptiness... I never really understood how someone could feel so much excrutiating pain that eventually, they didn't feel anything at all.

Until, of course, it happened to me.

Well, to be honest, I didn't understand a lot of things unil it actually affected me.

Why do people cut themselves, that's so stupid! Why would someone want to feel pain? Why would someone steal so they could could drink until they passed out? Why would they take 3 times the dosage of sleeping pills to escape into a nightmare? Why? Why?

I wondered those things for months, years, up until I began to do them, and understand. Until I had cut myself, not to feel pain, but to control it. Until I had drunk myself asleep. Until I had stolen Shiro's sleeping pills to escape the world, only to find a horrifying place filled with terrifying dreams. I'd only done that last one a couple times though, I had found it too much for me to handle.

Although, now...

I shook my head. No. Cutting was one thing, but drugs... I wouldn't do it, no, no, no. Besides, wasn't it just a little too early to start thinking like this? It was too early to start planning out my life, only to not actually live it. It had been one mistake, and it had only been a few hours! This would pass, tomorrow it would all be better, right? I mean, Yukio had said that my friends had forgiven me for it, so everything was going to pan out fine, it would be okay! Right?

But...

Something inside of me told me that it wasn't going to be "okay". That mistake was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was my last shot, my one more chance, my final try. Before that, my thoughts were all, "one more fuck up, and you're gone, dead. Dead." Besides! What had that demon lady said to me?

'In fact, none of them fully trust in him! They all have that seed of doubt, and with each small flicker, even as small as a match flare, the sapling grows, branching out like a great oak.'

I slowed to a halt. Ha. How could she put so much sad truth into such a beautiful sentence? It was like a poem that had etched itself into my heart, and it was still bleeding, poisoning me, poisoning my mind. It pissed me off. I liked things to be simple, straight forward so I could understand, and she... she had made the pain sound so... well, pleasant... in a sort of destructive way.

I gasped as my knees gave out. I collapsed to the stone walkway, clutching my sweater where my heart was. A flash of pain raged through me, making me tense up.

Why?! Why wouldn't anyone trust me!? Why?!

It had been one mistake, the first in years! Other times, I just tried to be their friend, so why?!

'Because you're a demon. That's why.'

Tears pricked at my eyes, threatening to fall, and I let them. A heart wrenching sob ripped through the still, warm night air, and I clapped a hand over my mouth to muffle the sobs.

So this is where I was.

...And I had a feeling I'd be there for a long, long time.

In this goddamn pit.

With no way out.

Again.