Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays, if you don't celebrate Christmas! Oh, and happy birfday, Rin and Yukio, lol. Here's a gift... sorry, it's kind of a depressing gift, ain't it? Lol, anyways, here you are! Love you all!

My head was throbbing painfully. That's what had woken me up.

I sat up and instantly regretted it. A stab of pain flared through my head, and I clapped a hand over my mouth as I cried out. The pounding subsided enough so that it was bearable. I slowly stood up and looked over at Yukio's bed and found that he wasn't there. I sighed. I felt bad for yelling at him last night, I'd have to apologize.

I groaned and covered my eyes as the light from the hallway hit them. I staggered, but I placed my free hand on the wall. I noticed that I failed to change into my bed clothes last night, and I was still in my hoodie and jeans.

I found my way to the stairs and managed to get down the stairs with only a little trouble. I walked down the hallway to the dining room, where I heard Yukio moving about. I turned the corner and leaned against the doorway. I pressed my forehead against the cold metal.

"Hey, Yukio." I croaked. God, my voice was hoarse. My throat was drier than a desert. Yukio looked up, surprised.

"Nii-san... are you okay? You look sick." He asked worriedly. I smiled, obviously unhappy. Of course I looked sick. From what I could guess, I was pale, with dark circles under my eyes, hair messier than ever, and probably trembling. I coughed and looked away.

"I...I think I might be a little, ah... sick. I've got a really bad head ache, do we have anything for it?" I asked quietly. Yukio stared for a moment, then nodded.

"Um, yes. I've got some aspirin in the upstairs bathroom, if you need some..." He said, taking his breakfast tray from Ukobach as the little demon handed it to him. I nodded and cleared my throat again.

"L-listen, Yukio, ah... I wasn't... thinking straight yesterday. I was telling the truth though, I've been kinda stressed with school work and I snapped at you." I faked a laugh, and winced as it caused my headache to get worse. "Twice in the same day! That hasn't happened in a while. Anyways, I'm-" I stopped short and grabbed my stomach. I heard Yukio come over.

"Nii-san! Are you-" He asked, but I cut him off with a wave of my hand. I gasped.

'I'm gonna throw up...' I thought miserably. I had to finish this up quick. "Look, Yukio, I'm... I'm sorry about yesterday..." I closed my mouth as my stomach churned. I gritted my teeth and straightened up. "I'm gonna get the aspirin!" I said quickly, turning tail and running up the steps two at a time. I rushed into the bathroom and threw my head over the toilet just in time as the alcohol I'd drunk the previous night came up.

I grabbed the towel next to the sink and wiped my mouth. I was about to stand up when another wave of nausea washed over me and I retched again. I heard a knock on the half closed door. I spit and flushed the toilet before standing up on shaky legs. I cleaned my mouth again and leaned against the sink before answering. "Yeah?" I asked. Yukio entered the room.

"If you're sick, then you can stay home from school today." He said. I shook my head, but it was painful. I flinched.

"N-no, I'm okay. I can... I can go to school today." I rasped. Yukio frowned and came over. I gulped. "Hey... yesterday... I really am sorry." I apologized again. I couldn't have been more sincere. The whole point of my hiding my true feelings from Yukio was to not worry him. I didn't want to be a burden on anyone. Never again.

I managed to convince Yukio to let me go to school that day. I told him that I'd probably just gotten a bit of food poisoning or something. Heh. Food poisoning. Did I even eat the day before? I don't think I did. No wonder I got so drunk so fast.

So there I was, walking down the hall to my Cram School classroom, rubbing my temples and wincing every time a flash of pain ripped through my skull. It had been hell all through the regular school day, and the horrible headache had only just started to fade.

I pushed open the door and squinted as the lights got brighter. I knew I looked miserable. I realized with a jolt that they might actually know what I'd been doing the previous night, due to my appearance. My words still slurred together, as if the alcohol still held onto me, and I would stumble occasionally. It was only natural though, seeing as I wasn't used to drinking yet.

Yet...

I mentally slapped myself. No. That had been a one time thing. I wouldn't go back to Rouga, no. I wouldn't go for drinks. I wouldn't... I wouldn't go for drugs.

Would I?

I sighed and sat down at my desk, next to Shiemi. She was immersed in a book, but she looked up with a smile as I settled into my seat. Her grin faded as she caught sight of my face. I offered her a weak smile. "Hey, Shiemi." I croaked. I coughed. My dry throat, even though I'd been drinking water all day, had only gotten a bit better. Shiemi frowned.

"Are you okay, Rin? You look sick." She said. I laughed quietly, trying to save my throat.

"Yeah, you're about the third person to say that today." I said, my voice weak. It was true. Some kid at school had said it today. I'd been in a bad mood, and I'd snapped and told him the truth. I'd told him that I was hungover. He'd laughed, patted my back and merely said 'been there' before walking away, eyes glinting with amusement, leaving me in shock. How could someone take it that well? Well, I didn't know. I'd avoided people the rest of the school day.

Yukio walked in, spared me a quick look, and put us straight to work. I retreated back into myself and tried to concentrate on my studies, but I couldn't. My mind kept drifting to the slowly healing cuts on my wrists, and my hangover, and the feeling of needing to be drunk again. I huffed and let my thumb glide over the cuts under the table, where no one could see. The tight feeling in my chest increased as I felt them, along with the feeling of fear that someone would find out. It was too easy. Too easy for my sleeve to slip up and someone to see. I decided to stop cutting my wrists. Somewhere else, anywhere. Anywhere non-conspicuous.

The classes passed in a blur, probably due to my headache, and boy was I glad when it was finally over. I packed my books into my bag and stood up. I was out the door and was going to head back to my dorm room when Bon, Shima, and Konekomaru caught up to me.

"Yo!" Shima called. I flinched at the loud noise, but forced a smile as I turned around.

"Hey guys. Good day?" Damn. I couldn't even speak in complete sentences? Wow.

Bon raised an eyebrow and bumped his shoulder against mine. "You look like shit. What happened to you?" He asked curiously. I snorted and rubbed my head.

"Ah, it's nothin'... I've just got a headache, that's all. I was a bit sick this morning as well." Bon edged away from me at that statement.

"Well, don't give it to me then!" He half shouted. I held back a cry of pain and laughed along with the other three boys. I took out my keys and opened the locked door. It opened to my dorm room and I waved goodbye to them before closing the door behind me. I breathed out and sank to the floor, leaning against the door.

I stayed there for what seemed like eternity, before finally deciding to take another aspirin for my headache. I walked upstairs, dropped off my bag, and headed to the bathroom. I took out the bottle of aspirin and took the suggested dosage. I swallowed them without water, feeling to lazy to get a glass, and I leaned against the sink. I turned on the cold water and cupped my hands under the stream of liquid. I splashed it onto my face and turned off the water. I looked into the mirror and stared.

God, I really did look awful. My skin was ashen, pale and gray, and my lips seemed to have lost their natural color as well. Dark circles under my eyes made it look like I hadn't slept in a week, and my eyes were dull, lifeless. I looked like I was dead on my feet.

I laughed mirthlessly and tore my eyes away from the mirror. Instead, I rolled up my sleeves and stared at the cuts on my wrists instead. There was dried blood dotted along them, scabs over the less recent ones. The ones I made yesterday were red and puffy, and I had failed to clean all the blood off. There were dark, reddish-brown marks where my sleeve had smudged the blood.

I huffed and pulled my sleeves down again. No. I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't cut. I'd... I'd go for a walk. I'd leave the town and go to Rouga's, but only to tell him that I wouldn't be back. That's right.

But if that was right, why did I feel like I was convincing myself?

I shook off the feeling and went to my room. I changed into my casual clothes and left my sword tucked safely underneath the mattress. I slipped on my worn, old sneakers and headed out, feeling like I was being watched. For all I knew, I was. But hey, why would they stop me? Mephisto would probably find this whole thing hilarious, if he knew. Hell, he probably did know, and he was just watching from a distance.

I shook my head to clear it, causing another minor headache, and hurried down the street. I knew Yukio would be back at the dorm in a few minutes tops, and if he happened to look out the window to see me leaving, he'd come running after me and demand that I stay in True Cross town. Either that or he'd follow me like the prying bastard he was.

I sighed. Who was I kidding? Myself? No. I was just trying to give myself another reason to hate Yukio. He wasn't a prying bastard, he was my brother, of course he'd be worried about me. But he wouldn't follow me, he wasn't the type to do that.

Or was he?

How much did I actually know about Yukio? I mean, for most of my life I thought I knew him! I knew him as my crybaby twin brother. My twin brother who was always being bullied, who had always wanted to be a doctor, and was always teased for it. My brother, who I thought I was the one being the protective sibling. But all my life I was wrong. He was the one "protecting" me. Heh. He didn't protect me from self-harm. He didn't protect me from alcohol. He didn't protect me from drugs.

But I couldn't blame him for that. I'd been great at hiding it. Or, at least, I thought I was. No one ever found out, so...

I exhaled and stared up at the clouds as I walked. I saw only one cloud. One small, wispy cloud in a sea of blue. Funny. In all the movies, this would be the scene where it was raining. No wait... was it raining? If it wasn't, what was running down my face like a waterfall?

It took me a moment to realize that they were my own tears.

I wiped them away frantically. Why the hell was I crying!? Way to go, Rin! With this, no one will ever notice you! It's not like crying teenage boys catch anyones attention, right? Wrong. And I was in the middle of a street, for that matter! Anyone could just look my way and instantly see that something was up.

I blinked the unexplainable tears away and broke into a run. Why had I been crying anyways? I wasn't feeling any sadness. I was pissed off, furious. Furious that no one noticed my pain before. Furious that my brother had failed to help me the first time. Most of all, furious at myself for letting it get to this point. And anger didn't usually make people cry. So what the hell, body!?

I flashed a brief, hollow smile at the guards and waved as I left the campus. I knew my way now. I'd only been to the place once, but I knew how to get out of True Cross town and to that old, dirty apartment building.

I dodged people on the street and kept my pace as I dashed through the streets. I was panting by the time I found the sign that notified me that I was leaving True Cross town. I ran down the stretch of road to the next, smaller town and went down the third alleyway to my right. I weaved through the alleyways until I stopped, gasping for breath, outside the door of the apartment building. How long had I been running? Without any breaks? Never mind, I didn't want to think about how I managed it.

Why was I here again? I thought to myself, my hand on the knob of the door. I mentally shrugged and lifted my hand to knock. I'd only rapped the door a few times before I heard a crash from inside. Footsteps approached and the door was ripped open. I blinked.

Rouga was standing, leaning against the frame, and he'd obviously been drinking. His hand was bleeding, and I could see a lamp shattered on the floor, some of the curved pieces still rocking back and fourth. Rouga grinned. "I knew you'd be back. C'mon." He said, stepping back. My feet moved on their own and I found myself walking into the dusty room. The door closed behind me, shutting off the last sliver of the pure sunlight. The only natural light in the room was the beams filtering through the grimy windows.

I felt a can shoved into my hands. I didn't protest. I gave up to my desires and shut out the thoughts in my mind, the ones telling me no. I popped open the can and took a sip. I collapsed in one of the chairs, making myself at... well, I guess home. It wasn't really a home, and I could tell that Rouga felt the same way. I watched him as he struck a match and lit a cigarette. He caught me watching and held the box out to me, an eyebrow raised in question.

My heart stopped for a moment, then I shook my head. I knew that cigarettes wouldn't give me any relief, just coughing and the possibility of lung cancer. I wanted to feel, I didn't want to suffer any more. "No, I'm good with this." I said, raising the can. Rouga snickered and took a draw from his cigarette. He blew out a cloud of thick, white smoke.

"'Kay. So," He said, looking at me out of the corner of his eye. "any more trouble with your brother? Did he find you out yesterday?" He asked, referring to my drunkenness the night before. I shook my head.

"I didn't have a lot of trouble, nah. And I'm not sure he knew. I think he figured I was tired. I yelled at him though."

"Angry drunk?" He asked solemnly, as if he were remembering something.

I shrugged and took another sip from my drink. "Maybe. I never was before. When I was really drunk, I was happy."

"And before that?"

"..."

"Don't wanna talk about it? Fair enough. I saw you yesterday though, and you didn't look very happy." He laughed, but there was no humor in his tone. I scoffed and closed my eyes. Why the hell did I come back. I shouldn't have. This was a horrible place for me. I needed to get out of here before it was too late.

But a nagging voice in the back of my head told me it was already too late.

"Funny how hard it is to get out, but how quickly you fall, isn't it?" Rouga seemed to have read my mind and voiced my thoughts. A deathly silence filled the already quiet room. The dirty blonde boy seemed to drift off into his own little world, absently watching the smoke curl from his lips.

I sighed and downed the rest of my drink. My stomach growled, and I winced. I was so hungry. But it was too late to go and get something to eat at a restaurant or something. I had an incredibly fast flush reaction, and as my friends and family knew I was energetic, they'd think I'd been running, if I went into a restaurant, they'd probably start suspecting something... that along with the fact that I would start slurring at only three drinks.

I heard Rouga's dry laugh and I looked at him as he stood up. "You hungry, dude?" He went back to the small kitchen and came back out with two bags of chips. "Sorry, I don't have much to eat back there." He said as he tossed the bag to me. I tore open the package and took a few chips out. I barely tasted them. And when I finally started to taste them, they tasted like ash.

Damn. I couldn't even enjoy food anymore.

I don't know when it happened, but I passed out.

Where, you ask?

Not in an alleyway.

Not in the street.

Most importantly, not at the dorm.

No, I passed out in the chair where I sat, along with Rouga. I wasn't thinking clearly, but I do know that I wasn't thinking anything about going back to the dorm. That thought didn't even cross my mind. Leaving the apartment building didn't occur to me. The only thing that occurred to me was sleep.

Because I was tired.

I was just tired of it. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to forget.

And I got what I wanted, right?

At least I'd found a temporary haven, even if it was just my own little hell in disguise.