WARNING! Suggestive content AND blatantly obvious content! Trigger warning. Not graphic, just... well. I'm warning you. Skip to the end to get a report if you don't wanna read touchy content. BTW, sorry for not updating this in a while. I've updated Mating Season, now this one, so you know which one is next! ;) Ready for more silly, stupid Rin? Keep checking for when I update Silver Vine, kay? Love you guys! 3

When you're falling asleep, memories tend to surface.

Especially induced sleep.

Like right then, for instance.

Lying in bed, swallowed by the darkness. Yukio is breathing softly, deeply, in the bed on the other side of the room. He'd only gotten back an hour ago, from a mission, and he'd gotten ready for bed and went straight to sleep for once. He'd thought I was asleep.

I wasn't.

But I'm glad he finally got to have some rest, he'd been stressed out lately.

Me? Well, yeah, I'd been stressed. But that's normal, to be expected in fucked up people like myself, right?

It had been a month. Maybe a month and a half, I wasn't really paying attention anymore.

About a month since I'd broken down and cried until my eyes were stinging.

About a month since I'd screamed silently until there was no sadness.

About a month since there was nothing but anger, and guilt, and loneliness.

And it sucked.

But I was... under control, I could say.

And at the moment, I was fine. I was happy. I was...

Euphoric.

Not usually the word you'd use to describe a depressed, self-loathing, self-harming individual, but yeah.

I was euphoric. Happy. Peaceful. Calmed.

I was watching my own memories play out in front of my very eyes.

Like the time when Father Fujimoto took Yukio and me to the beach. I made a sand castle, and it really failed, and it got washed away. I didn't cry, I wasn't sad. I merely built a new one, and when that got washed away, I moved on to the next activity.

I wonder if I could do that now. Like, if I failed at something now, would I have the self control, the stability to pick up the pieces and move on? Could I do it? Was my reason for not doing it now completely ridiculous? Did I just not want to move on?

No. That wasn't it.

I was too far gone now.

But at that moment, I wasn't thinking like that.

I was happy, I said that before. I was thinking, 'that was a great day. I hope I can do that again sometime... just go to the beach and have fun with my friends."

Not, "I wish I could" I was thinking, "I hope I can". It's a lot more positive when you think of it in that light. Just two changed words can make such a difference.

Another memory I had was when I was eight, I cooked a great meal for the priests at the monastery. We had a happy, loud dinner that night. I went to bed early for once, and after I was asleep, Father Fujimoto came in and made sure that we, both Yukio and I, were both tucked in nicely, before kissing our foreheads and patting our heads and leaving the room. It was the most normal night I could have hoped for. It was one of my last "normal" nights I'd ever have again.

Damn. What I wouldn't give, huh?

I could relive these memories every night for the rest of my life.

And for the past two weeks, I kind of had been.

They hadn't all been pleasant experiences.

Sometimes, I'd relieve my worst memories. I'd hear the kids from my old school taunting me, shouting at me. I'd hear people calling me a freak, a monster.

A demon.

How?

How was I doing this?

How was I seeing these things?

How did I feel so happy?

How did I relive my memories?

How did I get to sleep easier?

Well.

500 mg of Benadryl will do that to a person.

Yeah.

I was too far gone to save.

So down and down the rabbit hole I've gone, with no rope on earth long enough to reach me.

But it didn't matter.

'Cause I'd given up on grasping for that rope.

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KK, so, if y'all have read it, you get the point. Drugs. Rin has started doing drugs. I know it's a really touchy subject, and it wasn't exactly mentioned in the summary (as self-harm was), so I just wanted to warn someone who MIGHT have been sensitive to this subject specifically. Call me soft, whateva! :P Anyways, I love you guys! Stay awesome! 3