And the dig continues, and the earth is on your hands,

Mixing with the blood dripping from your wrist.

You hit a rock, an obstacle, and you throw it out of the way,

And you're two feet down.

After the ambulance pulled away, I couldn't move.

I had stood, stock still, just watching.

I couldn't do anything to help. The others had been trying to bring me back to reality, trying to make me move, but I couldn't, could I?

Why should I come back to reality? I couldn't do anything to help my friend! I knew he was getting worse, didn't I? I should have done something, I should have told him to talk to me, or told him to get help! Of course, that would make me a hypocrite, but still. He had more of a life ahead of him than I did. He was a human, he had a chance. He wasn't living in the shadow of an organization that was always looming over him with the threat of a death sentence for being alive.

He was just a kid.

And I was only a demon.

Monster.

Demon.

Awful.

Worthless.

He was going to kill himself.

You didn't help.

You monster.

I grabbed my hair and pulled on it. "Shut up..." I whispered. I let go of my limp, black locks and let my hand drag down my face. It was kind of numb. No kidding, with all that I drank, I'd be more surprised if I could feel my face.

I struggled to my feet and held onto the wall. I looked around through blurry vision. I'd run away, from Yukio and the others, and the paramedics, after they began to look suspicious about my erratic behaviour. And so, here I was, in Rouga's place, the next day, surrounded by empty cans and a half finished bottle of Jack Daniels that Rouga had somehow managed to get a hold of.

Here I was, with cigarette smoke clinging to my breath and clothes. With nail marks along my sides, not bleeding, but also not healing. With just enough strength to stand, and just enough mental clarity to know that I had to get back soon.

Here I was, a complete, total, pathetic fucking mess.

I had to get back. I couldn't sleep here, and I needed to sleep. I had to walk back to the dorm.

But not until I sobered up a little.

I leaned heavily against the wall and sighed. I ran my fingers through my tangled hair before letting it drop back to my side. I felt the lump in my pocket that was the pack of cigarettes. I'd picked them up from the counter and smoked one, before putting the rest of the pack away for later.

What was the point anymore? In conserving any health I had left? I was already into a pretty wide range of drugs, for me, at least... alcohol, Benadryl, then I started Adderall... hell, why not Nicotine? It's not like I really cared anymore. And it worked. I wasn't sure if it was going to, but it did. Approximately ten seconds after the first drag, my shoulders relaxed, my whole body followed soon after. It was amazing. It was sick, but it was amazing.

I made sure I had my balance before I walked over to the chairs. If I was going to wait until I was a little less hammered, why sit on the floor instead of chairs? I collapsed in my usual seat and lifted my legs up onto the stained coffee table. The ashtray was in pieces at the feet of the couch, spilling spent cigarettes and gray dust on the already grimy floor. An envelope sat next to my feet, opened, with the letter stuffed messily back into the envelope. I'd already glanced at the first few words. From Rouga's dad, something about his mother.

But I didn't need to stick my nose into his personal life. I knew how it felt to want to keep your secrets.

I took a deep breath, trying to lift the heavy feeling off my chest. My eyes burned. I hated to admit it, but it took me a moment to recognize that I was feeling sadness. I wanted to cry. I couldn't, but I wanted to. God... pathetic. Had it really gotten so bad that it took me a while to realize when I was sad?!

"Dammit..." I sighed. Tears pricked at my eyes, and I pressed my palms against them, forcing myself to keep my cheeks dry. White lights burst behind my eyes, and I let my hands fall to my lap. I kept my eyes closed. I wouldn't cry. I already looked bad, I didn't want to make it worse.

I didn't know how long I sat there. My mind began to feel clearer. I could feel my face and hands regaining their sense of touch. I stood up slowly, and found that my balance was better than before. I looked around slowly. I wondered if he was okay... or if he got his wish.

I shook my head and tucked my hands into my pockets. I had to get back.

I left the apartment, closing the door firmly behind me. I made sure I had my things; Kurikara was slung over my shoulder, and my cigarettes were in my pocket. I started off down the back street, only a little bit unsteady.

It was a slow walk, but every thing seemed like a blur. The people threw me suspicious glances, knowing that I was drunk, but most of them had seen me before and gotten used to my presence. The lights flickered in several streetlamps, and the noise of the cars all blended together into a slightly irritated concert of screeching tires, running engines, and car horns.

Honestly, where was I headed? I mean, the dorm, yeah, but... why? I had nothing waiting for me. Friends? No. They were only friends in my best moments, not the moments when I'm Satan's spawn and not Rin. Except, really, I was always Satan's spawn, no one could ever expect to be thought of as anything else.

What else. My brother? The brother who didn't need me anymore, who could take care of himself, the brother who would be much better off without me? Nah, that wasn't what I was headed for either.

Not even a home. That dorm had never even begun to feel like home. The only home I knew was the monastery, and that was long gone now.

I stopped. The monastery. I was only around ten minutes away by now. I'd just passed the guard's post. I looked off to the side, down an alley. If I went through it, then turned right... I'd be home.

I huffed and kept walking. I couldn't go back there. The priest's were finally free of me, I didn't need to crash back into their life again. They didn't deserve that, they were good people.

I crossed the bridge and slowed to a halt. I looked over the side of the railing, down into the swirling water. The late afternoon sunlight hit the water. It glittered and broke, like someone dropped a glass on a concrete floor.

My gaze unfocused as I stared down. Is this where Rouga was going to kill himself? Or was he going to go about it some other way?

I gritted my teeth and shut my eyes. I leaned against the railing, clenching my fists against the anger and guilt welling up inside my chest. Every. Damn. Thing. Every time I tried to focus on something else, it would just come right back to Rouga. Rouga. My friend. I didn't do shit! I didn't do anything to save him, to get him to get help, he was a human, he was a kid, he didn't know anything, he could get help! Then maybe I would have at least one god damn thing in this world that I could be proud of!

"I fucking knew... I knew he was getting worse..." I growled. I felt my nails beginning to grow longer, sharper, and I curled them, digging them into my palms, pressing until I felt blood drip down my hands. "I could've... done something..." my voice broke, and so did the dam.

Tears spilled over my waterline, running down my cheeks, dripping off the end of my chin and onto the concrete railing. I pressed a hand to my mouth to muffle my sobs, but it didn't do much.

"Okumura?"

I gasped and instinctively moved my hands from my mouth to my eyes, drying my tears before I turned my head. Who was it? They were blurry. I squinted to focus my vision. "Oh. Hey, Suguro. Whatt're you doing here?" I asked, not expecting an answer. I heard him start towards me, his steps loud and fast. I tensed and prepared to have my collar grabbed.

Sure enough, his hand found the front of my shirt and yanked me around to face him.

"What the hell were you thinking?! You just ran off like a fuckin' moron! Do you know how long we ran around that damn town looking for your ass!?" He shouted, shaking me a little.

I stared at him dazedly, my eyes half open. "No... sorry." I muttered, trying to keep my mouth as closed as possible, so he wouldn't smell the liquor on my breath.

He "tch"ed and let go, pushing me back a little. I staggered and grabbed the railing before I fell. I sighed. "Look, I'm sorry... he... he told me something that freaked me out, an' I panicked." I muttered. It wasn't a total lie.

Suguro clenched his teeth. "What the hell is up with you?! For months you've been out of it, and then all of the sudden your all energetic and happy, and then... and then that guy got attacked and you flipped out..." He yelled.

I shushed him. "Shut up. You're gonna draw attention to us..." I warned him.

Suguro slammed his fist down on the railing. "Since when do you give a damn about laying low!? What's wrong with you?!" He pressed.

I straightened up. "What's wrong with me?! My friend just told me that he was gonna kill himself, that's what's wrong with me!" I snapped back. And I'm a freak, a demon, a pathetic excuse for a friend... I reeled off in my mind.

Suguro blinked. "He was..." He echoed, then the anger was back in his eyes. "Friend? How the hell did you even meet someone like that?! I saw what kind of town that was!" He took a step forwards, and I didn't move away. "And what was all that about?! 'Wasn't expecting you this time of day...' What did that mean?!" He took another step towards me. I didn't answer, and instead turned my head aside. "What the hell are you hiding!?" He said, grabbing my shoulder.

I gritted my teeth, feeling anger well up inside me. I slapped his hand away and widened my stance so I wouldn't fall over. "I was angry! Months ago, and I went an' picked a fight, alright?! And it was... it was Rouga..." I clenched my fists. "And... he helped me hide from the police... we... had a lot more in common than we thought, and we just started becoming... friends, okay?" I explained. I left out a ton, but that was all he needed to know, at least to let me leave without too much suspicion. "But..." I turned away, facing the river. "I... I didn't know that he was... depressed or anythin'... I didn't know that he was gonna..." I swallowed. "I didn't know that he was gonna fuckin' kill himself..." I lied. Well... I knew he was depressed, I truly didn't know he was going to try and off himself.

There was a silence between us, broken only by the rushing of the river beneath us.

"Sorry..."

I looked at him. "You... you've got nothin' to be sorry for." I lied. I made sure I had my balance and started walking. "Don't worry about me... I'll be fine by tomorrow." I murmured.

I was already five yards away before Suguro called out after me.

"Why the hell do you smell like cigarettes?!"

I froze. Then, before it could turn into a suspiciously long silence, I turned around and forced a laugh. "Do I? Well, you said you knew what kinda town that was! I musta walked past some smokers or somethin'." I explained. Suguro didn't say anything, and I continued. "Anyways, I gotta get back to Yukio... I gotta prepare for a lecture again!" I waved and spun on my heel, walking away at a brisk pace before Suguro could speak again. I let the cheery smile drop from my face and slumped, not fully caring if Suguro saw my shift in posture.

I felt tears prick my eyes again. How long could I do this for? How long could I keep lying? Smiling?

Living?

It was getting harder to imagine life a year from now.

And I was scared.

But what scared me more...

Is that I wasn't scared enough.

Sorry for the wait. :) Here you are. I know, it's kinda short, for my normal chapter lengths, at least, and I'm sorry it took so long to write it. Sorry, no news about Rouga yet, but you'll find out soon. Thanks for being there for me, everyone, and thanks for understanding. :) Love you all.