I stood outside the door to the abandoned boy's dorm. My shirt was wet and filthy on one side, where I'd lost my balance and fallen into a puddle on the way here. My vision doubled and blurred, and my eyes ached to close. But I couldn't sleep. Not yet.

I could hear them inside, shuffling, quietly talking. I could only imagine what they were thinking.

I couldn't tell him. I couldn't say it. The words were stuck to the tip of my tongue as if they were super glued there, refusing to pass my lips. I stammered, hesitated, and finally gave up. Tears had been pouring down my face, and I still wasn't entirely sure why. I told them to meet me at the dorm. I thought I could face them... I thought it would be easier to tell them in person, but it was so hard to just...

To just put my hand on the door.

I took a step back. If I just ran, I could pass it off as...

I replaced the step I'd taken back and flung the door open before I could even finish the thought.

If I was going to live, I'd need help... if I needed help, I'd have to ask for it.

I stood in the doorway, my balance off from the alcohol in my system. I held onto the door frame to keep myself upright.

I stared into the silence.

Bon, Shima, Konekomaru... they were all there, watching me, looking as if they weren't sure what to say.

I swallowed and reached into my pocket, fumbling around for my phone. I drew it out, flipped it open, and checked the time; 6:10 pm. It had taken me about forty minutes to get from Rouga's street to the dorm... Shura would probably be arriving at around seven. Yukio was at an exorcism, and wouldn't be home until early tomorrow morning.

"Okumura-kun..."

I looked up as Shima broke the silence, taking a step forward. His mouth opened and closed, then finally he spoke again. "Um... what's... what happened?"

I drew in a slow breath through my nose, putting my phone back into my pocket and lifting my hand to my face. I raked my fingers through my hair and closed the door behind me, leaning heavily against it. "Ah... tha's..." I swallowed. Did I really have to...

Luckily, I didn't have to tell them just yet.

My legs buckled underneath me, sending me to my knees. I groaned as my head spun wildly, and I heard shouts of surprise from the other boys. I heard footsteps coming towards me, but for once I didn't resist when they grabbed my arms and hauled me back to my feet.

"Okumura, what the hell's wrong with you?" Bon snapped, squeezing my arm.

I gulped and looked down. "I've been drinkin'..." I muttered under my breath.

"Speak up, Okumura, we can't hear you."

I lifted my head, keeping my eyes squeezed shut as shame burned at my already flushed face. "I've been drinkin'!" I admitted. My chest tightened, and my eyes burned with tears that wanted to escape. "'S... 's the only thing that helps anymore..." I slurred, clenching my fists.

More silence.

Then;

"You... you've gotta be pulling my leg..." Bon murmured. I bit my lip and shook my head. I felt him grab my collar, like he so often did when he was pissed. I awaited the verbal lashing I was about to receive with reluctant ears.

"If you're not kidding me, and this isn't just some sick joke, then you'd better be prepared for the beating I'm gonna give you! You're... you're scaring me, man, this ain't you!" Bon shouted, making me flinch.

I forced myself to smile, even though it wasn't the right time to do so. "It... it gets sicker, believe me..." I reached over to Bon's hand and brushed it off. "Please let me go." I rasped. I coughed, my throat still sore from the smoking.

"Okumura-kun, you smell like-" Konekomaru chimed in quietly, sounding worried.

"Cigarettes... I know, believe me..." I scoffed, staggering over to the door that led to the cafeteria. "I'm a mess, I thought tha' would be obvious..." I sighed. I pushed open the door. "I need t' sit down, or I'm gonna crack my head open on th' floor..." I muttered, half to myself.

I heard them following me as I went into the cafeteria and sat down in one of the many chairs. I exhaled and dragged my hands down my face. The sound of chairs dragging on the floor made me cringe, but I didn't have the energy to tell them to be quieter.

"Okay. You're sitting. Tell us what the fuck happened." Bon growled.

I let my hands drop, and watched them, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. I took a deep, shuddering breath and forced myself not to cry. This was humiliating enough, I didn't need more.

"I... I... there's something... wrong... with me." I managed to get out.

'What the fuck? That wasn't their question.'

"Obviously. But you're not answering us." Shima spoke up, his brown eyes narrowed in concern... for once.

I looked down, then back up, then back at my feet.

"I... I haven't been getting enough sleep..."

"Okumura..."

"I've... been drinkin' a lot, an'... an' other... things..." I choked out. Anxiety pounded at my rib cage, screaming at me, urging me to shut up... before I went too far.

'Shut up, me.'

"I'm depressed." I spat out the words like poison, spite and shame evident in my voice.

Silence again.

"You think we're idiots?" Bon snarled. "That was obvious the minute you told us you'd been... drinking a lot."

'It should have been obvious before...'

'It's not their fault...'

'But if they-'

"Shut up."

"The hell do you mean 'shut up'?"

I clenched my teeth. "I said tha' out loud, didn't I?" I asked.

"...Yes..."

"Shit..." I hiccuped. I shook my head. "That wasn't..." I blinked hard, trying to focus my vision. "I've been... like this for... four... maybe five months..?" I mumbled.

"... why?" Shima asked.

I tensed.

Why?

'Tell them the truth.'

"It... it wasn't your fault..." I started. I swallowed nervously. "Th'... th' asylum... Lady Midnight, 'r whoever th' fuck she was..." I tried to suppress my hiccups, but it wasn't working, and I must have looked even more ridiculous than I had before.

"You mean Lady Midday?" Bon cut in.

I nodded and pointed lazily at him. "Tha's th' one... anyway, she-"

"It was my fault."

My eyes, which had been closing, snapped open at that. I looked at Bon, who was looking at his hands. "N-no, Suguro, I-"

"You were awake, weren't you?" He looked up at me, eyes glinting. "You heard me. You heard that stupid shit that I said, I thought you were down for the count, but..." His hands started shaking.

I frowned. "Suguro-"

"This is my fault for snapping like that! I didn't even mean it, I was just pissed, and I was scared, and I was stressed and I-"

"Suguro-"

"I'm sorry! God dammit, I'm sorry, and I ain't sayin' it a third time, I didn't mean what I said and-"

A tear streaked down my face, dripping off my chin and onto my hand.

"Bon, stop!" Konekomaru cut in.

Bon looked up at Konekomaru, then at me. He blinked. "O-oi, Okumura, I didn't-"

I slowly raised my hands and covered my face. "I'm sorry... I shouldn' be cr- I can't..." I coughed to clear my throat. "It... when you called... I was..." I chewed on the inside of my lip. "I was about to kill myself." I whispered.

.

.

.

"You were what?"

I shook my head, not taking my hands away from my face. "I was about to kill myself, guys, an' you called, an' I only picked up to tell you all I was sorry an' I..." I sniffed. "All this time, I thought that I... that I was gonna hurt you... that I s-scared you guys an'... I just... you called, an' I..." A sob escaped my lips, and I hunched my shoulders, shame beginning to rake it's fingers down my back once again.

"Okumura-kun, you weren't seriously about to-" Shima trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence, I guess.

I nodded. "It's not your fault... none 'f you, it's..." I shook my head again. "It's all me, m' fucked up, I always was... it was just my bein'-"

I was cut off by the door to the dorm being slammed open in the next room. I heard someone shout my name, and I curled in on myself. Shura. She came early. Of course she did. Now she had to see me like-

The door to the cafeteria flung open, and my red haired teacher stomped into the room, her face twisted in a scowl.

"Where is that little shit?! I texted him fifteen times, tellin' him to meet me at the Cram school, but did he respond?! N-Rin?" She stopped short where she stood, taking in my vulnerable position and the three other students in the room. "What's goin' on?" She asked, her tone switching quickly to serious.

Bon, Konekomaru, and Shima exchanged glances, before they stood up in unison, seeming as if they had choreographed it.

"Okumura will need help getting his drunk-ass up the stairs."

"Drunk-!?"

"Konekomaru, help him out. Shima, you... make like Shima and go away."

"Hey!"

"Hey is right, Shima-kun, what's goin' on here?!"

"Kirigakure-sensei, just give me a minute to explain."

I felt someone's hands on my arm, and I glanced over through blurry eyes to see Konekomaru's face. He tilted his head towards the stairs. "Come on, Okumura-kun, let's get you to your room." He said quietly, helping me to my feet.

I nodded absent-mindedly, and followed him up the stairs. He asked me where my room was, and I directed him. Eventually, we arrived. I could hear muffled voices downstairs, and my chest tightened once again. I shouldn't have told them. I shouldn't have put that on them, I shouldn't have-

"I'm... I'm glad that you told us, Okumura-kun." Konekomaru spoke into the silence.

I looked up at him. "Wh-"

"If you hadn't... I..." He trailed off. "I know what it's like to lose a part of your family, and I don't want to know what it's like to lose a friend."

I stared at him, and Konekomaru looked away. "Y-you look as if you've never met me before in your life, what's-"

"I don't..." I licked my lips nervously and looked down. "I don't deserve friends like you..." I murmured.

Stillness.

"That statement was so wrong I'm not even going to answer it." Konekomaru said, a hint of a smile in his voice. I scoffed. "Your sweatshirt is wet." He pointed out.

I nodded. "I fell down."

"Hm." I felt his fingers grab my collar and begin to lift the shirt off of me. I panicked.

"Don't!" I yelped, reaching up and grabbing his hand as he did so.

'What are you doing?! They need to know!'

'But they don't need to- he doesn't need to see it!'

''Too bad. They need to know.'

"Okumura-kun-" Konekomaru's eyes were wide, shocked. "What's wrong-"

"You... you don't want to see my chest..." I muttered, letting go of his hand.

Konekomaru drew his hand back to himself. "Why do you say-"

"You don't need to see it..." I wrapped my arms around my chest. "It's... it's something for doctors to see not... not you guys..." I whispered.

Konekomaru's brow furrowed. "You're not... um..." He trailed off. I caught his eye, and his expression changed to one of slight fear. "Are you?" He asked.

I bit my lip. "...Yeah..." I replied, closing my eyes. I didn't need to see his reaction.

.

.

.

"You're going to get help."

"... Okay."

"Tonight, after you calm down a bit, I'm telling Shura to take you to the hospital."

".. Okay."

"We're going to be there for you."

"... I'm sorry..."

"Try again, Okumura-kun."

I looked at Konekomaru, startled by the unfamiliar determination in his voice. I took a deep breath.

'Try again, Rin.'

.

.

.

"Thank you."