Hello guys I am so so sorry this is so late! I've been having a busy time with preparation for my exams and my mental health has been low recently so I've not been very motivated. The next chapter will come late June as that's when my exams will be over and I'll have all the time in the world to write for you all (yay). I hope you enjoy this chapter! Love Sylvie
The new year began with uncertainty and anxiety for Albus, he couldn't believe how much things had escalated in the past 4 months between him and Rowell. Albus had sat at his desk many nights, his quill dangling over blank parchment, a battle in his head at whether he should write to Scorpius about the burning letter, and about the danger he could be in if Rowell knew that Albus had confided in Scorpius about the bullying… But Albus just watched as black spots of ink hit the parchment, and realised it was too risky to send the mail, and found he had no words to describe how he was feeling. Albus thought he could tell Scorpius in person, quickly, far away from the Slytherins where Rowell could not overhear. He thought it best in a classroom, perhaps during potions whilst they were mixing ingredients, so they would look as if in innocent discussion about the lesson. Albus found comfort and reassurance in his plan. He honestly couldn't wait to be around Scorpius again, to see his friendly grey eyes, to go to their favourite meeting places and talk about everything, it was the only thing keeping Albus sane through all this.
I need to keep him safe, vowed Albus.
It was the end of term, and Albus was just arriving at Kings Cross station, where he would board the Hogwarts Express that would take him to his second home. He dragged his case reluctantly behind him, whilst James and Lily were talking in front of him. James had taken a funny attitude towards Albus ever since the panic attack at Christmas, one minute he would be caring, the next he would seem angry at Albus. Albus sensed this was because he hadn't told the truth to his Mum and Dad, about him being beaten up, about him struggling more than he let on, and James knew even he wasn't aware of the full story. It's for his protection it's better this way, Albus would repeat to himself in his head, which he found was at least twice a day now. He found himself dangerously close to spewing out his secrets to James too often, he had to gain more control. His Mum and Dad however were being as kind as ever. They kept giving him motivational talks, hugs, and kept asking "Do you need a minute?" if Albus looked even the slightest bit distressed. Albus didn't want to seem ungrateful, but it was becoming rather annoying, and he felt even weaker now he was being treated like he was wounded. James was talking about his upcoming O. , and how much revision and homework he still had to plough through, and Lily was calling him a stress head. "James, you're rambling. You'll be fine, just sacrifice a few Quidditch practices if you need- don't look at me like that." For James had a horrified expression on his face, as if Lily had called him a mudblood. Albus smiled slightly, his brother was almost too passionate about the sport. The Potter's leaned through the barrier casually, and were greeted by billowing smoke coming from the scarlet engine. There was a hello from the Weasley's, and quick good byes to Albus, James, and Lily from their parents. As Albus got his extra tight hugs from his Mum and Dad, his Dad said in his ear "Professor McGonagall might have a word with you when you arrive, you're not in trouble." And he smiled before pushing Albus towards the train. Oh God, what the hell has he told her. Albus didn't have a chance to ask, as the door of the train shut behind him, and he heard it magically seal with a pop. His parents were waving him good bye with smiles, and he and the others waved back as the train sped away from the platform and into the unknown.
Albus, James, and Lily joined the Weasleys who had already found a compartment, and sat down on the red seats. Albus had walked to the compartment slowly, in the hope of catching Scorpius in the corridor. He hadn't had time to look for him on the platform and was growing impatient with the knowledge that they were occupying the same train, but were not together. Albus took the seat right by the compartment door, so he could take glances through the window without looking odd. James sat next to him, he seemed to be in one of his kinder moods today, and asked "Are you looking for Scorpius?" Albus nodded with a slight grin. "Have you seen him?" he asked James.
"No sorry, you go and look for him if you like, we don't mind." He gestured towards the rest of the compartment. Albus would have loved to go and find Scorpius, but he couldn't risk meeting Rowell on the way. The train corridors were very narrow, and it would be easy for Rowell to get to him and hard to run away. Albus shook his head "It's okay, I can wait" he said with a shrug, not showing any fear to James.
The rest of the train ride was uneventful. No Scorpius to Albus' disappointment, but no Rowell to his relief, and soon Albus found himself unpacking his things in the fourth year dormitory feeling rather isolated.
He was on his way to the great hall for his dinner when Professor McGonagall caught him in the corridor. "Potter." Her stern tones echoed off the walls, "I need to have a word" He had been warned about this by his father, but had no idea what the conversation would be about, and he'd been promised he wasn't in trouble. Albus followed the Professor to her office near Gryffindor Tower, feeling the nerves in his tingling finger tips. They reached her office all too quickly, and Professor McGonagall directed Albus to the chair on the opposite side of the desk to hers. McGonagall sat down gracefully, her robes swinging behind her, and cleared her throat.
"Now Albus," she began, less stern than before, "Har- Your father has informed me that you've been struggling with some form of anxiety and panic attacks for quite a while, and that you've been struggling almost entirely on your own." Anxiety? Isn't that… a mental illness? Albus had only heard of mental illnesses a few times in his life, mostly due to the fact that it wasn't common conversation in Hogwarts, and was never taught in any lessons so people didn't know much about them. His father had dealt with something called post-traumatic stress disorder after the war, and he knew it was usually a muggle term used for people who had been traumatised by something horrible in their life. I don't have a mental illness, do I? Albus suddenly felt scared, and very vulnerable sitting in front of Professor McGonagall. His father had told her things about him that even he didn't know about, and now she knew how weak of a Gryffindor he was, and would no doubt be watching over him around school. He didn't need her finding out about the bullying and her blabbing to his father, he couldn't stand the humiliation and the embarrassment he'd be to his family.
Everything's starting to fall apart. Albus took as deep a breath as he could manage in an attempt to clear his foggy head, he really didn't want to have a panic attack in front of McGonagall. "So me and your father had a talk, and we decided that you should see a therapist once a week at St Mungo's Hospital. They can help you manage your anxiety and give you any advice or support you need." Great. So that's at least one more person that will know. The list of people he would have to talk to about his anxiety was getting way too long for Albus' liking, but he admired McGonagall for her offer to help and couldn't throw it back in her face. "That's great, thank you Professor." Albus replied in the most confident voice he could muster, making sure to hold his hands together to hide the shaking. "I'll let you know when your first meeting with them is in the near future. And of course, my office door is always open to you if you need anything. I'm here to help Albus." She smiled warmly. Albus smiled in return, and surprisingly felt a hint of security at her reassuring words. Albus took this as the end of the conversation and stood to leave the office. As he reached the door handle, Professor McGonagall spoke again.
"I know you might think Albus, that your anxiety is a sign of weakness, and you don't feel as brave as you should do belonging in Gryffindor." Albus swallowed hard, that was all true. How was she so intuitive? "I can tell you that you have been incredibly brave in dealing with this on your own. However, seeking help and discussing your problems with others makes you ever more courageous than just dealing with it alone." Albus felt himself grow hot with a mixture of embarrassment and shame, and steadied himself by grabbing the door handle tightly. His father and Professor McGonagall had gotten the help for him, and his parents had practically cornered him to talk about his anxiety. Albus had done nothing courageous, and was still the weakling he always was. "Thank you Professor, I'll keep that in mind." Albus replied quietly, not looking at her, and he left her office.
Albus would not keep that in mind, in fact, he never wanted to think the words again. They tumbled around his head uncomfortably, making it very difficult to navigate his way to the great hall for his first dinner of the term. Albus stopped to lean against the cool stone of the castle to catch his breath, he wasn't in any state to walk into the largest room of the castle full of the whole school. See, no courage here. Just weakness. Albus felt even more of a burden to his parents now, and to Professor McGonagall, wasting their time on getting a therapist for him. He had put no effort into seeking help for himself, except maybe from opening up to Scorpius, and he felt such a coward. He'd attempted to shut out people so many times in an attempt to completely deny his anxiety, and now realised that that made him weaker than being open with them about it. It was supposed to protect them, to stop me being a burden to them his brain argued back. His mind was in an endless conflict of keeping his family free of his problems and attempting to deny his anxiety, or accepting his anxiety and allowing his family and friends to help. Albus pulled at his hair in an attempt to stop the cycling of thoughts, and leaned his head back on the wall.
After a few more minutes of deep breaths, Albus finally managed to calm the conflict in his mind to a manageable degree, and entered the great hall to sit with James. He didn't look for Scorpius in case Rowell was watching for any signs of worry or weakness, which he most likely was, and sped towards the empty space next to his brother. "Where've you been? Are you okay?" asked James looking concerned.
"I was just talking to McGonagall; I'll tell you about it later." Albus replied, taking a sip of pumpkin juice to calm his nerves. This wasn't the start of the new year that Albus had hoped for.