RULES I AM OBLIGED TO LIVE BY AS FORCED ON ME BY GERMANY (and most other people...)
By England
31) I am not allowed to visit Argentina wearing that shirt with my flag on it.
32) I am not allowed to visit Argentina wearing anything with a Eurofighter on it.
33) The situation never calls for chasing someone out of the building and giving them a kicking.
34) It sometimes helps if I remind my colleagues that I have been living and working with them for donkeys years and that I am not completely ignorant of their languages, it avoids some fights. Not the majority of them, but still.
35) I am not to give out documents in Franglais.
36) I am not to write any important letters to France, Switzerland or any other french-speaking country in Franglais.
37) Not even if they find it funny.
38) Am not allowed to bring in a buzzer to meetings that says "DON'T MENTION ZE WAR!"
39) Not allowed to take the above to mean that I can mention the War.
40) Probably be better not to talk about that time Switzerland accidently invaded Lichtenstein.
41) Or misplacing Gibralter.
42) I am not to start a 'Jaffa Cakes for America' help fund.
43) Germany doesn't hold a grudge against Switzerland for taking potshots at him during the war, therefore I shouldn't either.
44) I cannot overrule anything my goverment says on the basis that "I've had all their mums".
45) I am not allowed to put anything in a wheelie bin that is not meant to be put in a wheelie bin.
46) My personal feelings of what should or should not be put into wheelie bins will not be taken into account.
47) I am not to justify others' possessions appearing among my things with "And I once found a bomb in my back garden, doesn't mean I put it there", validity nonwithstanding.
48) I am not to say the above in front of Germany as he can easily throw it back.
49) There really shouldn't be any reason for others' possessions turning up among my things.
50) I am not allowed to make John F. Kennedy jokes in front of America.
51) America's proper name is not "burger-eating invasion-monkey" and I should refrain from addressing him as such.
52) I should not say that I tolerate anyone the same way one would tolerate herpes.
53) Europe is not a third-world country.
54) America is not a third-world country.
55) It may in fact be offensive to actual third-world countries to say so.
56) I should not turn up to a meeting wearing a hoody and carrying a bag of basmati rice to see if anyone gets it.
57) I am not to present Spain with a boat and say:" It's got a glass bottom, so you'll be able to see your old one."
58) I am not to challenge Spain to a game of battleships.
59) I should not have a QI-style buzzer rigged to go off anytime anybody speaks.
60) The 'Camp German' impression will never be mentioned again, ever, at all.