Man, I am actually surprised that I haven't been able to make many good jokes out of this Olympics. They must be there but I haven't managed to cook anything good up. If there's any suggestions, I'd be grateful and, someday, I'll get off my arse and write oneshots.

Enjoy.

This Shit.

By England.

161. Brum is not my foreign secretary.

162. Brum is neither love nor life. Brum hasn't had a new series since 2002.

163. The CGI reboot of Brum does not warrant the same kind of hype the the Independence Day sequel gets.

164. There are no plans to convert Buckingham Palace into a supermarket in the near future. Not even if the chain is Waitrose.

165. Ludwig thanks me very kindly for the four page long rant on the price of Freddos I sent him, and reminds me not to drink and email.

166. Francis did not have a tail that he lost at twelve days old.

167. Theresa May's smile is not the sign of an approaching everlasting winter.

168. Yes, there is a difference between putting the milk in before or after the tea. No, it's not worth having an argument over.

169. No one has to own a kettle: in fact, many people can manage just fine without one. I will remember this, next time I stay at Alfred's.

170. The words 'Rooty-tooty-point-and-shooty = FPS = America's House' just appeared carved underneath the table in the room where world meetings are usually held. As it leads up to my usual seat, I am being held responsible and will pay damages.

My official statement on this: Fuck off, it wasn't me.

171. 'Wet leaves' is only a legitimate excuse for tardiness if I was commuting by train.

172. If I am showing signs of injuries sustained due to wet leaves, I can use 'Wet Leaves' as an excuse if I wasn't commuting by train.

173. 'Dry Leaves' is only a legitimate excuse for tardiness if I am commuting by train.

174. The previous rule also applies to statements such as "The sun was too bright." And "The sun was too low."

175. The Cheese Rolling does not leave Gloucester.

176. I will not be taking America to the Cheese Rolling, to show him an example of the things you can do with a National Health Service.

178. I do not grow extra fingers and webbing between my toes every time I pass through a bit of my country infamous for inbreeding, and I will cease trying to convince people that I do.

179. I can not and will not elope with the Netherlands.

180. I shouldn't be using my magical ability to create wards against either Italy brother on their mopeds, and certainly not with the view of selling them. That I can, doesn't mean that it is ethical.

181. Going "tourist spotting" makes me look sketchy.

182. Taking a drink for every tourist I spot is healthier when done in places without many tourists.

183. The club 'Tiger Tiger' is a massively inappropriate diplomatic venue. Or very appropriate; it depends on what end result I want.

184. "Orwelltastic" is not an adjective I should use as flippantly as I do.

185. The reason British children know what is meant by 'Big Brother', (not the TV show) and '1984' (not referring to the literal year) is not due to my current education system. It is due to being Orwelltastic.

186. I will put my phone on silent at work, or I will change the ringtone to something other than London Underground, Sweaty Sketty Girls or Heskey Time.

187. The 2020 Olympics will not be exclusive to people with 20/20 vision.

188. My railway network is not the best in the world on the basis of "providing unparalleled views of the picturesque countryside, without the 'blurring' effect of velocity."

189. It might be that Russia is sounding more and more like a cartoon villain, but he's still bigger and meaner than me and I will remember this.

190. My national anthem is staying 'God Save the Queen', and there are no future plans to change it to a musical remix of 'Oh Fuck I can't Believe You've Done This.'