I woke up to a dull, nagging feeling of dread. Rain battered the windows, it was grey and dreary outside. Three hours until I had to leave. Any other business deal and I would have cancelled, but this was for her. For my wife, for my future. My gut said this was a doomed venture, but it wouldn't change anything this time.

Petra's hair was fanned out on the pillow beside me. I buried my nose in the shining gold locks, trying to memorize the feel of her, her scent. I breathed her deeply into my lungs, desperate, a man going to literally meet his maker. I wasn't sure if I would make it back, this could be our last time together.

I cupped her soft face between my hands, woke her with a gentle kiss. Her eyes fluttered open, always my delicate angel. My strong, beautiful wife. I was completely consumed with my love for her, how had I possibly survived five long years without her?

My arms wrapped around her, savoring the feeling of just holding my soulmate. Her brilliant blue eyes gazed into mine. I pulled her to my chest, holding her tightly. I never wanted to let go. I wanted to stay in this moment for eternity and never leave. Petra looked up at me with a questioning look, but before she could ask I pressed my mouth back to hers.

She moaned a little into my mouth, pressing herself against me. I grabbed the hem of the tiny silk nighties she was wearing, and lightly tugged it over her head. Immediately my lips returned to hers, hungry to taste her again. My hands skimmed up her legs, over her hips, until they were cupping her full breasts. Gently I flicked my thumbs over her taut nipples, making her shiver.

Her hands were clutching at my shoulders, nails cutting into my flesh. My mouth moved down to her neck, lightly biting as I went. She moaned and arched up against me, wanting me, needing me. I spent some time ghosting my hands over her breasts, teasing her nipples with my tongue. I loved how close she was, I loved how she trembled beneath me.

My eyes met hers as I slowly kissed a line down her belly. I nipped the inside of her thighs before burying my mouth against her sex. I ran my tongue up and down her lips, before starting to lave her clit. She was clinging to me, moaning my name over and over. I flicked my tongue over her feminine nub, enjoying how she arched her body.

I ran my hands down the soft length of her, before gently entering her with two fingers. She was slick with her desire, ready for me. My fingers slowly moved inside her in tone with my tongue, bringing her over the edge.

I entwined my fingers with hers as she pushed me back on to the bed and straddled me. My breath was ragged with my intense need for her. Slowly she sank back, filling herself with my erection. Her body was amazing, dewy and pink before me. The feeling of her so tight and wet and hot around my cock was incredible. I couldn't imagine a better sensation.

Using our hands for leverage Petra began to move up and down, agonizingly slowly. There was already a raging fire within me, but she was fanning the flames to make it burn hotter. With every movement of her hips I came closer to Nirvana, every time she threw her head back and moaned I felt myself stiffen more.

She took me deep within her, nibbling her lip, breasts bouncing before me. She was a goddess-Hera, Aphrodite, and Athena wrapped into one incredible woman. She moaned my name once, twice, three times. Louder and louder as she clenched around me. Her eyes met mine and suddenly I was coming too, thrusting wildly and deeply into her.

"Wow." Petra let out a deep breath, moving to lay back on my pillows. I tried to memorize every detail, exactly how she looked flushed with pleasure and unabashed with her nakedness. "That was... Amazing."

I smiled at her, before dropping my mouth to hers for a kiss. "You're amazing. Everything I could ever want and more."

I ran my hands over her cheeks, her jaw, her neck. I'd loved her with my whole heart, soul, and being for seven years. I loved everything about her. Not just her looks, I loved how funny she was, how smart, how resourceful, how cunning. I loved how she always seemed to understand me. Kindred spirits.

Her brows furrowed. "Milos, is everything okay?"

"I will miss you. I am finally happy again. I don't want to leave." I replied honestly. There was no reason to explain the precarious nature of my position to her. This was my burden to bear.

Slowly her hand moved to cover mine. "I will miss you, too." She said, looking away. "I've become rather fond of having you around."

My heart surged with joy. I wrapped her in my arms, kissing her soundly. "I can't express how happy that makes me. Thank you."

"All right." Petra said brusquely, starting to pull away. "I need to eat something."

"Wait." I asked, pulling her close again. "Where are the girls? Can you tell where in your belly they are?"

She nodded, looking confused. "They're side by side, one on the left and the other on the right."

I put a hand on either side of her belly, then pressed my lips to each side. "I love you both. My little girls. I'll see you soon enough."

Once I let her go, Petra tossed her legs over the side of the bed and put her nightgown back on. I watched the curve of her back, the line of her shoulders, her willowy limbs as they shifted beneath the silky fabric.

Who would have her if I never came back? Bile rose hot in my throat. The animal inside me roared with rage. The fury in my head was nearly deafening. Quietly I took a deep breath in, held it as I counted. Held it until my lungs burned, until I was under control. Slowly I released it, mentally repeating my affirmations.

You can't own another person.

Your feelings are your responsibility.

Your insecurity, your jealousy, your rage and anger are all part of you.

You can choose to control your behavior.

You can choose happiness.

I looked up at Petra, who was ordering breakfast from room service. My happiness. I could watch her forever. She slowly paced, one hand rubbing her belly as she rolled her eyes to the sky. A familiar warmth spread through my chest.

I did not come from a happy home. A bitter young mother who had died and left behind an angry, frightened child. Joining a crime syndicate, gaining my crime family. There was so little love in my life until I met Natalia. It was the most incredible drug, I needed it, I craved it. I feared it ever ending so badly I drove her away.

I would never risk losing her again if I made it home. I could control my anger forever if it meant having her, having a family based on love instead of biology or trading arms.

Shaking my head to clear it, I put on a suit from the closet. It wasn't good to be so introspective. I grabbed my bag from under the bed, tossed a few additional suits in, undershirts, boxers. The box of wafers with the gun. It was all very mechanical. Petra opened the door for room service as I zipped up my bag and joined her in the living room.

We sat on the couch eating fresh fruit and eggs with salmon and crème fraiche. We drank real orange juice infused with mango. Why did it feel so much like a final meal before an execution?

Petra was oddly quiet. Not that she was ever loquacious, but subdued even for her. I wanted to make love to her again, but I couldn't. I'd never leave if I did. I watched her bring small forkfuls to her mouth. She looked disinterested in eating.

"Are you planning anything fun during my absence?" I asked teasingly.

In Prague I had regularly disappeared for weeks with work. Sometimes months. I always asked what she did when I got back. She would smile, shrug, and say she waited for me to come home.

She laughed. "Have I ever? I might murder Rafael if he doesn't start helping more with the Marbella commercial and nanny hiring process."

I wanted to offer my help with interviewing nannies, but what if I didn't return? I took another drink of my juice. The last sip.

"It's a shame we never had a honeymoon." I said, looking at the dregs of my juice. "Something tropical, luxurious."

Petra gave me a look. "We live in a luxury hotel in a destination city next to one of the most highly rated beaches in the world."

"Humor me. Where would you want to go? Anywhere in the world."

She thought for a moment. "Seychelles, maybe? Mauritius is lovely. Tahiti?"

"Somewhere neither of us has been before." I suggested.

Her lips turned up in a smile, if just for a moment. "Bali. I always wanted to go. It just never seemed to work out."

"Perfect. We should go, maybe celebrate our anniversary?"

"The twins will only be three months old!" Petra exclaimed.

I smiled. "Then we'll have to go for our next anniversary."

That finally got a little laugh out of her. Too soon breakfast was done, and I glanced at my watch to confirm it was time to leave for the airport. I wrapped her in my arms, running my hands up and down the length of her. She was so perfect. In every way.

I pressed my lips to hers one last time, possibly for the final time. My hands clutched her face, memorizing the softness, how smooth she was.

"Just come back soon, alright?" She bit her lip. She looked frustrated, like she couldn't get the words out right.

"I'll be back the first second I'm able." I promise."

And with that, I left. I couldn't look back.

-Petra-

He kissed me one last time, his gentle touch counterpoint to his rough fingertips. I wanted to kiss him again, I wanted him to stay. Something had been tight and horrible my chest since last night, and I could finally name it. Dread. I didn't want him to go.

Not when I was falling in love with him.

"Just come back soon, alright?"

It didn't come out right. I sounded shrill and demanding to my own ears. Not caring, not like someone who loved him.

"I'll be back the first second I'm able. I promise." His voice was warm and steady. Something was wrong. Milos wasn't this composed, he was hot blooded and compulsive.

I watched him leave, certain he wasn't telling me everything. Something was wrong. Part of me was desperate to bring him back into our suite where he would be safe. But the girls couldn't be exposed to the danger a man with his lifestyle was always in. So I ignored it. I went into the office, and picked up my violin as a plan slowly formed in my mind.

For the next month I waited, worked, hired a nanny, and practiced playing. No contact from Milos, but that certainly wasn't unusual. I relearned the music I used to play for him, played and practiced until I couldn't anymore, until my fingers were bruised.

In the second month the babies were born, I had no way of contacting him. He missed the birth, but so did Rafael. And thanks to Jane, I wasn't alone. I fell into a depression after the birth, two more months swept by in a blur. I didn't think of him often, I didn't think of much beyond the darkness that consumed me.

In the fourth month I was convinced he'd chosen to leave us, that he was off gallivanting in Europe. I was angry, furious at the gall of him. How dare he make such lovely promises, then just disappear?

One night in the fifth month I checked my spam filter looking for something, and I saw it.

Arrested in Hungary, Need 50 Kopeck

For a second I couldn't breathe. It was Milos. It had to be. That was his internet scam, the exact email my mother had gotten seven years ago. I rushed to click on it.

My Darling Petra,

I hope you find this. It has been two weeks since I left to sell off my enterprise. The sales went well, but I am fairly certain that I am being followed. I have one more meeting, then I will be home. I have a small concern about the meeting going well. Should it go badly, there's a few things I would like for you to know.

I fell in love with you at first sight. Your beauty was striking, but it was your violin that captivated me, it was like you understood everything I'd ever felt. I knew I loved you then.

In the past seven years, my love for you has been the driving force of all my actions. I have many regrets, but my biggest regret of all will always be the years we've lost, always because of my foolish behavior.

You are the love of my life, and I can never thank you enough for giving me so much happiness. I did not ever expect to find love before meeting you. I couldn't understand why a person would want to weaken themselves.

You have made me understand. I am stronger with you by my side and in my heart. You fortify me with your strength and devotion, I work harder and better knowing that the things I earn will make you happy. It is not the cliché I thought it was, you truly do make me the best version of myself.

I know you didn't choose it, but thank you for becoming my wife and family. You have given me all the greatest joys my life has known. Our last four days together were the best days of my life. Whatever happens to me next, I will always have you in your wedding dress etched into my memory.

To the practical side, at the bottom of this email there is a list of my accounts and how to access them. If I am unable to return to you, I am happy I will be able to at least keep you in the lifestyle you deserve.

Goodbye, Darling Wife

With all my love

Milos

My mouth was dry. I read the letter again, a third time. It was sent more than four months ago. The meeting had gone badly, he had to be dead. It was my fault. All my fault.

I dropped my head into my hands, carefully keeping my emotions in check. If I hadn't asked him to sell, he would be alive. He would be here. I tried to convince myself that he knew the risks when he started a criminal empire, but I couldn't. I thought back to our last day together, how he didn't want to leave. How he wouldn't promise anything about returning. He knew what was ahead of him, and he did it anyway. For me.

It was my fault.

I abruptly stood up and left the suite office, making my way to the blue room. I'd been sleeping in here every night, but still fell into the bed foolishly hoping to catch a whiff of his scent, something to remember him by. But it was gone. Just like him.

All my fault.