It's Almost Over: 2016
by 80sarcades

Welcome back! More elegantly classical cracktime snippets from a world not unlike our own...

(Blank screen. An ad for a new TV show passes by quickly. So do the other forgettable 'please-please-elect-me' ads. They're not paying me to put anything in here anyway. So there. Eventually, the viewer turns the channel to ZNN...)

"...and if you're just joining us our Reality Team! (tm) is hot on the trail of our next President!" a distinguished looking gentleman with white hair declared. "Our most recent tracking polls show the battleground states locked in a dead heat. Nationally both candidates poll at 46%, again within the margin of error."

"I'm curious, Tom," Chandra Norris, one of the panel guests, piped in. "Who accounts for the other 8%?

"That's a good question!" the host boomed before he reached for a sheet of paper. "Let's see...the usual totals for the Libertarian and Green Party losers...and..." He quirked an eyebrow. "This can't be right," he muttered before he looked up and beyond the omnipresent cameras. "All right," he called out. "Joke's over. Who did it?"

The rest of the panel looked on quizzically while Tom held a finger to his earpiece. Finally, he sighed heavily. "And here I thought the election couldn't get any stranger...". With that, he tossed the offending paper to the side. One of the show members caught the errant sheet before reading the contents.

"Five percent of voters want Jed Bartlet!?" she exclaimed in disbelief. "You're kidding me! He's a fictional character! The West Wing, for God's sake!"

"And apparently he's alive and well in tracking polls..." the host muttered before he quickly changed the subject. "New topic" he called out. "Polls aside, who do you think will win today's election, and why? Paula, do you want to start?"

"Secretary Hogan, of course!" his guest immediately replied. "She has the stamina and intelligence to make a really great President!"

"Oh, please!" another member interjected. "If Secretary Hogan is elected she'll have that whole email scandal hanging over her head! Not to mention the whole 'pay-for-play' foundation scandal-"

"Which was never proved!" Chandra piped up. "The Russians obviously doctored the emails! We don't know what's really accurate if anything was accurate at all! Not to mention that the director of the FBI recently cleared the Secretary of any wrongdoing!"

"And that means what, exactly?" Jack Morrison, a VOX news contributor, questioned. "Just that someone put pressure on the FBI to 'Just Say No!' There's no way the FBI could have gone through those emails so quickly!"

"You guys at VOX just don't want to face reality," Chandra snapped, her tone smug with victory. "Come January 20, 2017 it will be President Gertrude Hogan who has the last laugh!"

"And once she's in there will be no immigration control!" he flared, rising to the occasion…not to mention the obvious bait. "At least Hochstetter will build his ring of steel and protect our borders!" At that point Tom quickly broke through the din.

"And that, dear listeners, is why I should spike the coffee with vodka before starting the program!" he yelled over the still bickering guests. "Coming up: Wolfgang Hochstetter receives a major endorsement from the adult entertainment industry! More after this..."

(And yet, more political ads. Frankly, if flatscreens weren't so expensive you would have probably shot the TV by now.Or at least bludgoned it with a baseball bat in a bid to keep your political sanity. Let's channel surf...

"...for that special couple in your life you can have these special 'I'm with Her' designs tattooed on each other!" a female voice cooed. "Just perfect for that upcoming victory party-"

(Changes channel. A sad and lonely 'everyday joe' type sits miserably alone at a table in a crowded restaurant. Oddly a plain red pennant, suspended on a black wire, flies limply at attention in his hand)

"Do you know someone like this?" a calm and reasoned male voice asked. "Are you afraid of the choices they could make that could harm themselves and others? It's time..."

(Suddenly, the man's face brightens as a group of people sit down at the table and begin to chat. His pennant, now colored blue, bobs up and down in excited animation as he enters into conversation)

"...to make the right choice," the man continues. "Here at the Centers for Voter Redemption our trained election interventionists will help your loved one make the right choice for a better America. Don't let them suffer when we're only a phone call away..."

(Disclaimer: While all patients can be helped, not all can be cured. In rare cases an exorcist may be required. These instances may result in obnoxious behavior and grabbing of certain female anatomical parts. Consult a priest before taking action. In most situations the patients hair will turn blonde and overly thick during treatment. This is natural and will fade quickly. Other side effects include nausea, beady eyes, a tendency to override conversations in a loud voice and hovering menacingly over people you don't like.)

"Make the right choice for the ones you love," the announcer continued. "Call us at 1-888-SAV-EMNOW..."

(More channel surfing)

"...and K-Tel records is proud to offer this knockoff version of "Hochstetter's Greatest Election Hits!" an ebullient and way-WAY-too-much caffeinated male voice declared. "Get down and go funky with such voter classics as:

"Nasty Nasty Nasty, Nasty Nasty Woman!"

"She's fat, I'm rich, so there!"

"A-U-D-I-T! That's the name of game for me!"

"All I want for Christmas/Is a Purple Heart, you see!"

Plus more!

"And of course Wolfgang's Number 1 hit, that all-American patriotic wonder:"

"God Bless the Ring of Steel!"

"Download your set for just $9.99 today!" the man finished. "Act now on this limited time offer! Available on the KTEL app or go to..."

A/N: And just when you thought the election couldn't sink to a new low...lol.

Sorry folks, but I couldn't resist having Gertrude Linkmeyer Hogan stand in as 'Candidate Hogan'. I liked her character on HH and if anyone can take on Hochstetter, she can! Now if you don't mind I'll get in my vintage asbestos suit since I'm sure someone will flame me for marrying Hogan off...