"Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or to lose." - Lyndon B. Johnson
She was woken once more by the sun's gentle rays, alerting her to the advanced hour of the day. Opening her eyes, she stared at the curtains she had forgotten to draw last night, then up at the bed's ceiling. She recalled the previous morning, when she had awoken in peace, for a moment blissfully unaware of what had transpired the night before in the streets of Atlanta. It was different this time.
She remembered it all instantly. Ashley's betrayal. Their encounter at the mills and the death of her amorous hopes and vain ambitions. Her own shameful betrayal of Melanie. She had made such a mess of things, and now nothing would ever be the same again.
She felt adrift, like a buoy on the raging sea, and she was not used to the feeling. Those who thrive on control rarely manage to deal with uncertainty. There was no solid ground in her new world of confusion. The pillar of strength she had leaned against for so many years, Ashley's elusive yet precious love, had crumbled into dust before her eyes - and although she still mourned by its remnants, she realized she had no desire to re-erect it. Indeed, a faint trace of pain remained as she thought of her almost lover. But it was a dull ache, by far not as sharp as in those first terrible hours after her discovery of his betrayal. Far more palpable were the feelings of regret, shame and anger that overcame her whenever she recalled the time she had wasted on Ashley. He had never cared for her. Why, oh why had she been such a blind fool? In the face of this galling truth, whose bitterness we all must taste in view of our past mistakes, she wanted desperately to be able to turn back time and undo it all.
And yet...
Strangely enough, although she deeply regretted her own idiocy and hated Ashley for what he had done to her, her present situation did not feel completely wrong. Every path she had trod, through hardships, through war, had led to this road. Something told her she was on the brink of change, on the edge of making some kind of decision. She knew she could not go back, would never go back. The loss of Ashley's love, for the first time, allowed her to see more clearly and put things into perspective. She was not ready yet to make up her mind about what remained of her own feelings for the golden prince of her youth, but she knew the chase had never been worth it. And she no longer mourned the loss of him whom she had believed to be the one. Already the memory of his face was blurred, the formerly warm glow she had always conjured up when thinking of him now interspersed with something more dark and infinitely more dangerous that both frightened and fascinated her. Those rays of an ardent black sun were slowly burning away the emptiness in her heart, giving heat where cold should hold no sway.
"Rhett," his name escaped her lips involuntarily even as the memory of the night before came flooding back to her.
Out of the welter of hurt and anger and longing he had left her with, curiosity and bewilderment emerged to sit upon her shoulder like carrion crows. Where was he? And was he thinking about her? She did not know what to make of him, had no idea what was going on in his mind. She had never managed to read him, had never really tried in the first place. But now – now, she desperately wished to penetrate his mind, to know what he made of her and their encounter on the landing. She remembered in exquisite detail the way he had made her feel, there in the semi-darkness. So alive.
Oh, she knew she should despise him instead of wondering what he thought of her. After all, he had betrayed her. Many times. He was a regular at Belle Watling's and had not even tried to deny it, had even gloated that he had been with the nasty creature and her "girls". And whilst the knowledge that Ashley had consorted with whores now merely disappointed and baffled her, the thought of Rhett being with such women brought forth a sudden, sharp pain. For some reason unknown to her, she could not bear the idea of him touching another woman the way he had touched her the night before. It was revolting.
Still, no matter how fervently she tried, she could not bring herself to hate him completely for his actions, let alone forget him. Lying there in her bed, the sheets tangled around her feet, her mind swam in the memory of his embraces, his smell, the feeling of his lips upon hers. His dark, smoldering gaze. The way he had gently carried her to her room and tucked her in. His image was before her eyes every waking second, tormenting her. Why, oh why, did she suddenly feel this way about him? Why did she yearn for his presence although he had betrayed and insulted her? It didn't make sense. And yet, stronger than hatred, anger, and hurt pride was the new and potent feeling of longing he had kindled deep within her.
Deprived of the escape route Ashley's supposed love had presented her with for so many years, her heart and spirit now lay bare before Rhett, whose very self, unbeknownst to her, struck an answering chord deep in her soul. Ever had his earthy and passionate nature called out to her, daring her to explore who he truly was and find a perfect partner in the process. Ever had his wit provoked her, his zest for life inspired her, his body inflamed her. Ever and ever had her flesh and subconscious recognized in him a kindred spirit. But she had been enclosed behind walls too high to let him in, touched by a frost too cold to allow him to give her back the golden warmth of her glory days.
All this she did not realize. She only knew that she yearned for him although she should not, and it confused her. Confusion was a weakness. And she hated feeling weak.
Damn him. Damn him to hell. Why had he done it? Why had he kissed and humiliated and comforted her? How could one man be so many things at the same time; tender lover, jeering devil, soothing friend? And what, if anything, did he want from her now? Was he playing a joke on her? Was he merely toying with her for his own perverse pleasure? Paying her back for her stupid decision to banish him from her room? A thousand questions went in and out of her mind until she could not take it anymore.
Kicking away the sheets, she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. Squinting against the sun, she tried desperately to push Rhett to the furthest recesses of her mind. Was there nothing else she could think of? Nothing that could distract her? But when she tried to think of something or someone other than Rhett, her treacherous thoughts returned to the one other man who had treated her abominably, and she hated herself for it. She did not want to ponder over Ashley either, did not want to now whether or not last night he had been true to his vow to forsake that establishment and be faithful to Melanie -
Melanie!
Scarlett jumped to her feet, causing stars to dance before her eyes. She grabbed one of the bedposts for support.
She had totally forgotten about Melanie. Yesterday afternoon at the store, eager to drive to the mills and confront Ashley, she had hastily invited her sister-in-law to come over the next day and have lunch with her. She recalled her indignation at the thought of having to spend time with Melly, and still she dreaded her visit, although for completely different reasons.
They were going to discuss Melly's plans for Ashley's birthday party, which was set to take place tomorrow night. Scarlett groaned out loud at the prospect of having to talk about Ashley, his tastes and friends and manifold qualities, which Melanie never forgot to rave about, in the sober light of day, and after everything that had happened in the short span of time since her discovery of Ashley's secret. This was unusual in itself. But two days ago, she would gladly have listened to her sister-in-law's praise of her husband, even if it entailed having to put up with her unbearable modesty, her hesitant manner of speaking, the endless sighs and petty fears and timid gestures, only to get some information on Ashley's mood and whereabouts. She would have listened with rapt attention, trying to read between the lines if Ashley was finally tiring of Melanie, trying to figure out if he was thinking of her, Scarlett, and whether or not he was pining away for her just as she yearned for him.
But not anymore.
No longer did she crave to hear the formerly beloved name, or to imagine his golden hair and dreamy smile; no more did she desire to agonize over his thoughts, dreams, feelings. She realized that she needed distance, needed to sort out her mind and lick her wounds before she allowed herself to ponder Ashley and what the loss of his love meant for her own future. She did not know where exactly she stood with him, but she knew that her great dream of being with him one day had died in the face of reality. She knew he did not love her, but in her confusion she was still merely teetering on the brink of the realization that she did not love him either. At the moment, all she wanted was not to let it in, not to think of him, and so Melanie's impending onslaught of uxorial enthusiasm was most unwelcome.
But there was something else, far more important and indefinitely more dreadful than any discomfort she felt with regard to Ashley, that made her nervous about the upcoming encounter. For the first time since she had known her friend, she would face Melanie with the knowledge how much she, Scarlett, loved and needed her, how much she owed her – and how greatly she had wronged her. She was not sure she could sit opposite Melly and look into those innocent, loving eyes without dying of shame or breaking down in front of her, begging her to forgive and forget, which she knew Melanie would never do if she only learned of the depth of Scarlett's betrayal. After all, what friend could ever forgive such treachery? She remembered with shame her blind jealousy and unfounded hatred. For ten years she had chased after Melanie's husband and treated the woman herself with thinly veiled resentment whilst secretly wishing for her death, so that she, Scarlett, could take her place as Ashley's wife. It was beyond vicious. It was abominable.
Her shame was profound, not unlike but a thousand times more intense than the kind she had experienced upon Frank's death. In fact, her regret over what she had done to her friend was probably one of the deepest emotions she had experienced in her still relatively young life, and it was both frightening and relieving. Like a chastised child past the phase of weeping and spluttering, still panting for breath but resigned to its punishment, she accepted her guilt willingly and ruefully. She had done wrong, terribly wrong, and nothing on earth could assuage her self-loathing - not herself, not God, and certainly not Melanie. She had sinned, and eternal silence was her punishment, her cross. She would have to carry this cross for the rest of her life, for she had sworn never to hurt Melly again, and to this vow she would hold until the day she died. Even if the urge to unburden herself, to ask for forgiveness, would accompany her from this day forward, she knew she must never give in to it. It would deeply hurt Melanie to know that her dearest friend, her sister, was capable of such evil in both thought and deed. In addition, by owning up to it all, Scarlett would simultaneously incriminate Ashley, and that could never happen. Learning of Ashley's past transgressions - and be it only one kiss in the windswept orchard at Tara - would break Melanie's heart. No, it was not to be. Scarlett would have to curb the desire to spill forth her secrets – and Ashley's – just to make herself feel better by clearing her conscience. She would have to remain silent forever. For what she had done to her only female friend, she deserved to carry this burden. And it was a small price indeed if it ensured Melanie's peace of mind.
Some of her confidence and determination restored, Scarlett quickly rang for Pansy. Glancing at the clock on the wall, she gasped. It was a quarter past ten, and Melanie was due to arrive at 11 o'clock. She sashayed towards her closet and set about the task of choosing a dress. Rummaging through the frocks, she decided the dress did not have to be too costly or fancy, for this was the first time she wasn't attempting to outshine Melanie. It simply did not matter anymore. She knew she was more beautiful and alluring than her sister-in-law, and this knowledge was enough to appease her boundless vanity. Also, she knew that Melanie would find her pretty no matter what she wore, for she often complimented Scarlett's attire, which was balm to Scarlett's soul after some side comment or other from Rhett that she looked like the madam of a whorehouse or would not know what was tasteful if it were right in front of her eyes. God bless Melanie, indeed.
To her dismay, she noticed that she did not have that many simple gowns. Most of them sported flashy colors, ribbons, frills, feathers, long trails and low necklines. One of it, an extremely expensive azure blue silk dress she had begged Rhett to buy for her during their honeymoon in New Orleans, was even embroidered with semi-precious stones. She remembered his expression as he first laid eyes on it and then inquired after the price, mouth twitching, lips forming the most unreadable smile."My dear," he had said lightly, "I'm sure Empress Eugenie of France could not have made a better choice." At first, Scarlett had been pleased, for she had read somewhere that the Empress was a fashion icon and possessed the most elegant jewelry. But then, seeing the barely concealed laughter in Rhett's dark eyes, she had realized he was mocking her and scowled indignantly at him, snarling, "Can you ever be serious?" She had bought the dress out of spite but worn it only once during one of their outings in New Orleans. It was like one of those toys Gerald had been unable to deny her as a child – once she possessed it, it immediately lost its charm.
In the next few minutes, Scarlett tried not to think of Rhett's annoying smiles and mocking ways, but it proved to be difficult, since almost every second dress had been a gift from him. She had to hand it to him that he had always been generous with his money and rarely, if ever, denied her anything. And yet, as her hands brushed the exquisite material of her gowns, she couldn't help thinking that if he had been as generous with his affection as with his fortune, perhaps things might have been different between them. Scarlett marveled a little at this notion, but something she could not quite put her finger on had changed last night, and again she felt that strange longing, mingled with doubt, at the thought of him. She was as curious and eager to see him as the thought of their next encounter frightened her, and she needed more time to think. But she knew she had no time. If he was still at home, it was very likely that she would run into him soon. Oh, Mother of God. What on earth am I going to say to him? Her fingers caught hold of another silk dress, this one of an inky color, and she was suddenly reminded of Rhett's jet-black hair that had felt just as smooth beneath her fingers last night. She wanted to -
"Good mornin' Miz Scarlett, you rang for me," the door to her room opened abruptly and Pansy's voice caused Scarlett to whirl around. "You want me ter help yer dress, Miss?"
Scarlett, still caught in her reverie, did not answer immediately. She looked into Pansy's eyes and did not fail to see the thinly veiled curiosity in their black depths. Remembering that the servants hardly ever missed anything, she wondered if they'd all heard her heated argument with Rhett on the stairs and landing last night. The deep roots of her Catholic upbringing made her cringe at the thought of anyone having witnessed that infamous encounter. Her mother, to be sure, would turn in her grave if she knew of her eldest daughter's wanton behavior. And it had been Ellen, too, who had taught her that the master and mistress of the house must act as moral superiors and set a good example for the servants. She remembered, too, that she felt strangely connected to Rhett whenever she thought of last night; the memory was exquisite, something to be shared only between the two of them. That someone, probably several people, had spied on them in such an intimate moment did not feel quite right. Oh damn them all! They were no better than the Old Guard, who constantly condemned her for her unconventional actions and thoughts. In her irritation she failed to see that although there was curiosity in Pansy's eyes, there was no condemnation at all.
"Yes," Scarlett snapped, "help me dress. And I need you to fix my hair. Something simple will suffice."
Fed up with the servant already and equally fed up with rummaging through her clothes, she quickly grabbed a rather modest but pretty cream organdy dress with a peach-colored sash. Due to its unobtrusive style, Scarlettt hardly ever wore it, but if Pansy was surprised at her mistress's choice she did not let it show. With nimble fingers, she quickly laced Scarlett, helped her into the dress and tied the sash until it perfectly girded the tiny waist. She then arranged Scarlett's hair in a simple yet elegant up-do with a few tendrils loosely framing her face.
When Scarlett looked into the mirror a little later, she noticed with relief that she looked rather well, even if her eyes lacked their famous sparkle. She smiled hesitantly, trying to focus on the task at hand. Glancing at her clock she realized that Melly was due to arrive in less than ten minutes. She impatiently dismissed Pansy, who shot her one last curious look. When the door had fallen shut behind the servant, Scarlett positioned herself in front of the bedroom door, grabbing its handle.
The clock was ticking. She stood there, her hands clammy in spite of herself. For the life of her, she was no coward, but she could not bring herself to exit her room before the door bell assured her of Melanie's arrival. She could not risk running into him alone. Or could she? She did not know if she wanted to throw herself into his arms or run as far away from him as she could.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Five minutes until Melly's arrival – her sister-in-law was never late. Slowly, Scarlett pushed down the handle. Silent as a church mouse, she opened the door and peered into the hallway, heart beating wildly. There was no one there. She listened attentively, but no noise reached her ears except for the distant shuffle of heavy feet downstairs, probably Mammy's, and the faint chirping of a bird coming through an open window in the nursery, perhaps. There was no sign of the children anywhere - not the clatter of Wade's toys or Ella's whining voice, let alone Bonnie's pealing laughter.
No sign of Rhett.
She stepped into the hall, unsure whether to sigh with relief or give way to disappointment. Involuntarily, she took a few steps down the hall in the direction of his room, as if expecting – hoping – the door would swing open and reveal his powerful body, the sound of his panther-like footfalls filling her eardrum until he stood before her and smiled in that infuriating way. But he was not there. Where was he? Of course, she reminded herself, he was an early riser and had probably left the house hours ago, either to go about his business at the bank or spend time with the children. The latter was more likely, for they were nowhere to be heard. At least not within the confines of the house. Scarlett shivered a little at the idea that they might be somewhere in the garden outside, that perhaps Rhett was not far away at all and would come into the house any minute. But perhaps he really was nowhere near, and she was troubling herself for no reason.
But, if he was out, what had been his reasons for leaving in the first place? Was he as unsure about the whole situation as she was? But no, that could not be. He was always so sure of himself and everything. Had the children begged him to take them somewhere? Did he – terrible thought – did he not want to see her? She wrung her hands, her nails digging into her flesh. She could neither tear her eyes away from his door nor make herself stop thinking of him.
So lost was she in her contemplation that she did not at first hear Mammy's voice. Only when the old servant summoned her a second time did her head snap up and her hands fall to her sides.
"Miss Scarlett! Miss Melly's comin'. Come down, Miss Scarlett!"
Straightening her spine, Scarlett cast one last reluctant glance at Rhett's closed door before walking towards the landing. Curbing the desire to reminisce about what had taken place at this very spot last night, she rested her hands on the balustrade and looked down.
Mammy was standing by the door and holding her hands out to the delicate creature who had just finished walking up to the house.
"Miss Melly! Come in quick, Miss. You is gwine catch a cold."
"Oh but Mammy, Mammy," the young woman laughed, returning the old servant's affectionate smile while handing her her light cloak and bonnet. "It is quite warm outside."
Mammy muttered something under her breath, but Scarlett was not listening. Instead, she was drawn in by the presence of the visitor, who now raised her head and met Scarlett's searching gaze with her own dark eyes. What was it Rhett had said once about Melanie's eyes — some foolishness about them being like candles? Oh, yes. Two good deeds in a naughty world.
Yes, they were like candles, candles shielded from every wind.
Melanie had come.
Melanie Wilkes was not a beautiful woman. Even in her new-found love for her sister-in-law, Scarlett could not help noticing it as she watched her being led into the hall by a cheerful Mammy.
She was too frail, too childlike, and altogether too bland to entice a man, and not cunning enough to hide her plainness behind artful smiles and other coquetries. But, like many times before, Scarlett noticed her light movements, the nicely shaped mouth and those unworldly eyes which, as Melanie looked up, shone with what Scarlett now realized was not feigned affection or merely the desire to please, but genuine kindness. Part of her had superstitiously expected to find scorn and lust for vengeance in Melanie's eyes, but there was nothing but warmth and benevolence in her doe-eyed expression. And Scarlett, perhaps for the first time ever, looked into another human being's eyes and caught a glimpse of their soul – and she understood that although Melanie may not have been physically appealing, her innate goodness more than compensated for her lack of beauty.
"My dear," Melly said with a smile, quickly taking off her gloves and holding her small hands out to her. "It's so good to see you. We didn't have much time to talk yesterday."
Still somewhat awed, Scarlett took hold of her hands hesitantly. This was not lost on Melanie, who frowned slightly in return. But she said nothing, her gentle smile still in place.
"Yes, yes," Scarlett said finally, realizing that she was behaving foolishly. "And I'm sorry for that. But I had to – take care of something at the mills. I hope you understand."
"But of course I do, Scarlett," Melanie hastened to assure her, mistakenly attributing Scarlett's rueful expression to remorse over her hasty departure the day before. "As I said yesterday, your business is more important than my idle chatter!"
Scarlett gave a disbelieving little laugh, thinking that this woman really was too good to be true. "If you say so, Melly."
Melanie laughed too, but it was a somewhat bemused laugh. There was something in Scarlett's striking green eyes today she could not quite place.
"Ashley told me you ran into him yesterday," Melanie continued innocently. "You did not tell him anything about the party, did you, dear?" she added with a conspiratorial smile.
Scarlett trembled inwardly at the mention of Ashley's name, wondering what he had told his wife, but with an extreme effort she managed not to let her inner turmoil show. Thankfully, Melly had always been easily fooled by her poor acting. "Of course not, Melly. He has no idea of your plans."
"I had hoped as much. Oh, it's so exciting, Scarlett! Don't you agree? Just think how surprised he's going to be. And how happy to see all his dear friends! I hope … oh, I hope it will be one of the best parties Atlanta has ever seen!"
Scarlett forced a smile to her lips as she beheld the excited shimmer in her friend's eyes. "I'm sure it will be, Melly. I'm sure it will be." In secret, she thought that Ashley was a cad. Melanie's love for him was so pure and genuine, her trust in him so infinite, whereas he seemed to have even less respect for her than he had for her, Scarlett. After all, Melanie was his wife. The mother of his boy. But he had spit on her love and loyalty by consorting with women of ill repute. By God, no, he did not deserve her. She was too good for him.
"... but there's so much we need to discuss, dear. Almost everything is prepared, at least in part, but I need your opinion on some last minute details, Scarlett. I simply cannot do without your advice."
Melly bestowed on her a look of such trust and devotion that Scarlett almost recoiled, hating herself. She was no better than Ashley. How on earth had she spent years and years scorning this angel of a woman? How on earth had she and Ashley been able to live with themselves whilst paying no respect to the love of this saintly being? She fought with herself, unsure what to do or say next.
As she contemplated, her body tense with shame and self-loathing, she could feel Mammy's eyes on her, sensed the silent question in them, all the cunning perception and wisdom of her African race glimmering ominously in the old woman's omniscient gaze. Scarlett felt like she needed to whisk Melanie away for some moments of peace, so that she could compose herself before Mammy followed them to the porch with tea and other refreshments.
"Shall we go outside and sit on the porch, Melly?" She quickly linked her arm through her sister-in-law's, nodding shortly at Mammy before turning away and leading a somewhat bemused but resigned Melanie towards the back of the house.
Once seated outside in two cozy chairs, Melanie commented on the beauty of the extensive garden stretching out before their eyes, smiling as she beheld the gently swaying trees and the arrays of flowers bathed in April's pleasant sunshine. Scarlett nodded and smiled absentmindedly, her eyes taking in her surroundings with a feeling of trepidation. She strained her ears but nothing was to be heard of the children or Rhett's booming voice. They were not there. She let out a sigh of relief.
Eventually, Melanie's thoughts turned to the inevitable topic of the upcoming party, and Scarlett mentally prepared herself for the torrent of words that would surely wash over her now like a great wave she could not stop from overpowering everything in its wake.
"My dear," Melly gushed, "I don't rightly know where to start. You know I had planned to hang up those red garlands we bought together the other day in that little shop, remember? Well, up until yesterday I was determined to put them up, but now..."
"The cakes – oh, mercy! I fear my Black Forest cake went completely awry. And you know how much Ashley has loved that cake ever since his Grand Tour. For the life of me, I don't know how the Germans..."
So it went ever on, and tirelessly, with a patience unusual for her, Scarlett answered each question with as good a grace as she could muster, curbing her temper and hiding her disinterest, her smile never wavering until Melanie said something unexpected.
"Are you sure Ashley doesn't suspect anything, dear? I don't mean to imply you gave anything away, it's just... Yesterday evening, when he came home from the mills, he looked a little - well, not quite himself."
Scarlett frowned at that, unable to control her mien any longer. Not sure what to reply, she was relieved when Mammy chose that exact moment to arrive with some tea and light refreshments. Since she had not breakfasted before, Scarlett dug into the snacks eagerly, glad for the short respite she needed to come up with a good answer.
While she chewed on a small sandwich, she again felt Mammy's questioning eyes on her. This time, she shot the old servant a look of indignation while Melanie was pouring some tea for the both of them. Why on earth was Mammy looking at her like she had never seen her before? What was her design? The darkie busied herself arranging platters and complimenting Melanie, during which Scarlett stoically kept silent. She had no wish to let Mammy know more than what she perhaps already suspected, and so she averted her eyes until the darkie gave in and trotted off. Looking up at Melanie, Scarlett noticed that her sister-in-law was still looking at her, waiting for an answer.
"Oh," Scarlett said uncomfortably, remembering what Melly had wanted to know. "Oh no, I'm sure he suspects nothing – darling," she added for good measure. Such endearments did not come easily to her lips and whenever she chose to make use of one, it sounded peculiar even to her own ears. However, if Melanie thought it strange, she did not let it show - in fact, she seemed rather pleased with Scarlett's new-found lexicon, smiling gently in return whenever Scarlett addressed her in such a manner.
"I'm sure he was just tired after work." Scarlett went on. "You see, we had to - " she fumbled for words - "we had to discuss one of the new orders – a delivery of quite a large amount of lumber to a gentleman from out of town. It was all very taxing."
She hoped desperately that Melanie would buy this ill-conceived lie, all the while realizing that this was the very first time she had told an untruth for Ashley since their promise at the mills. It's done now. I've lied for him. And I will have to do so for the rest of my life, even if only to protect Melly from the truth. The lie left a vile taste in her mouth, but it couldn't be helped. She had had no choice but to lie. Her only hope was that Melanie would not mention this to Ashley, since of course there was no gentleman from out of town who had lately ordered a great deal of lumber, or, if she did mention it, that Ashley would be smart enough to jump on the wagon, so to speak.
"Of course, Scarlett," Melanie gave an apologetic little laugh even as her opposite inwardly sighed with relief, "I'm just a silly goose who is frightened her husband will uncover her plans. Of course he knows nothing; I've sworn everyone to secrecy!"
Scarlett, who of course knew that Ashley was aware of Melanie's plans since just about everyone in town had spoken of them to him, smiled genuinely at Melanie's naivety. Leaning over, she patted her hand and said gently, "Everything's going to be fine, Melly. Now tell me more about the food and the drinks. Is everything prepared? Can I help you in any way?"
Melanie's smile was almost disbelieving, and Scarlett cringed inwardly. Had she really not shown her friend the slightest kindness in the past ten years? But no, that could not be, or Melanie would not have been so loyal to her for so long. But, apparently, she had never paid her sister-in-law's needs, be it for attention or time or something else, much attention. This would change from now on, she swore to herself.
For half an hour or so they talked about some more aspects Melanie was unsure about, until she had finally exhausted herself of party-related topics to discuss.
"Oh but Scarlett, I'm going on and on about Ashley's birthday party and I've not inquired once after your dear family. Are the children well? Where are they, anyway?"
"They're out with... with Captain Butler," Scarlett said, a little surprised by the change of subject, and not knowing what else to answer. She could hardly tell Melanie that she wasn't sure at all where her husband and children were. Melly must not know that Scarlett had scarcely seen the children in the past eighty-four hours. As usual, she felt a momentary pang of guilt as she compared her scanty maternal instincts to her friend's. "And they're fine, Melly. Perfectly fine."
"I'm glad!" Melanie smiled enthusiastically. "They're such darling children, Scarlett. Wade is so smart and thoughtful – oh, he reminds me so much of Charlie." She cast her sister-in-law a sympathetic look, still foolishly believing that Scarlett had dearly loved her late brother. "And Ella, why, she's just darling. She just needs a little encouragement is all. And as for Bonnie – that girl is so beautiful and charming and so full of life. I dare say she's the spitting image of you, dear!"
"Thank you, Melly," Scarlett smiled, flattered by the compliment. She had always taken pride in Bonnie's beauty and spirit – not to mention her own.
"It's so kind of Captain Butler to spend so much time with the children," Melanie continued, laying a hand on Scarlett's. "I always knew he was a kind and thoughtful gentleman, but I must confess I never realized just how good he was until your Bonnie was born." She laughed merrily. "You know, sometimes people ask me why he loves her so much, but I always tell them they're fools. Why indeed! It's because she reminds him of you, of course!"
Scarlett eyes flew to Melanie's face.
She stared at her sister-in-law, dumbfounded. Melly could not be serious. Rhett loved Bonnie because the child reminded him of her, Scarlett? But if that was true, it would imply that... that Rhett loved – her as well.
Scarlett involuntarily shook her head. No. Rhett Butler love her! It was ridiculous. Impossible. A thought too absurd to even consider it for more than a second. No, it couldn't be. He always acted so coolly around her, treating her like some damned pet or a diversion for as long as it amused him, then going his way whenever he pleased. Rhett loved no one, except for the children, and Bonnie most of all creatures living, because... because...
She set down her cup with a loud clang, startling Melanie.
"Are you alright, dear?" Melanie asked worriedly, a frown adorning her heart-shaped brow. "Oh, say not I've said too much. Is it because of Charlie? Ah, Scarlett, I know it still gets to you when I speak of him, even after all these years. I'm such a fool! So selfish in my giddiness over Ashley's party. Oh, please, can you forgive me, darling? Please say you'll forgive me!"
Scarlett tried desperately to focus on her sister-in-law. Charlie? Charles Hamilton? How could Melanie even ask such a stupid question when Scarlett's entire mind was consumed by the idea that Rhett might love her? She nodded mutely at Melanie, who was still looking at her with a worried expression.
She was not altogether certain how she felt about the mere possibility that Rhett could be in love with her. But two days ago, she would have laughed out loud at the idea. She would blissfully have recalled her early desire to entrap him into loving her, so she could hold the whip over his insolent black head. The notion of tormenting him would have given her great satisfaction.
But it was different now, she noticed with some surprise. She had no wish to torment him, she only wanted answers. Did he really feel something for her? And if he did, why had he kept it hidden for so long? But perhaps – no, surely - Melanie was delirious. Rhett had never given her any sign that he loved her, had never treated her like a lover, except perhaps in those blissful days in New Orleans and during her pregnancy. Ever since Bonnie's birth, he had always been composed, distant, out of reach. And yet... yesterday he had been passionate, tender even. And she recalled dimly that once, on that godforsaken night at Rough and Ready, he had told her he loved her.
She was shaken out of her reverie when Melanie, peering over the banister, suddenly cried, "Oh, look, my dear! There's Captain Butler and the children!"
Scarlett's head whirled around, and she quickly scanned the scene. Indeed, there was Rhett and all three of the children, walking towards the great fountain in the middle of the vast lawn. They must have walked around the house or entered the garden from the other side of the property. She could faintly make out Ella's shrieks now as Wade laughingly chased after her, Bonnie's chirping voice as she bounced up and down next to her father, quite wobbly on her stout little legs, and Rhett's booming laughter that sent a shiver down Scarlett's spine.
They had reached the fountain, still unaware of the two women watching them. They were too far away for Scarlett to hear exactly what they were saying, but she tensely watched their playful interaction, her eyes resting on Rhett's broad back as he helped Bonnie balance on the rim of the fountain. Ella and Wade stood next to their stepfather, laughing and clapping their hands in approval.
Melanie laughed at the charming picture the four of them made, but Scarlett sat ramrod straight, not saying a word. She could not bring herself to tear her gaze away from Rhett, no matter how hard she tried. And then, all of a sudden, as if feeling her eyes on him, he glanced over his shoulder and looked at her across the distance. The sun artfully outlined his aristocratically sharp profile, and Scarlett started, sucking in a sharp breath. She felt drawn to him in that moment, for once keenly aware of the sparks flying between them.
They stared at each other for a couple of moments until Rhett broke the gaze and said something to the children. They looked in the direction of the porch, and, seeing their mother and Aunt Melly, waved their small hands excitedly, shouting, "Mother! Aunt Melly!" Even Wade and Ella seemed undisturbed by the fact that their mother usually did not appreciate of overly boisterous greetings.
Bonnie, of course, squealed the loudest and demanded of them to come and join them. Scarlett merely waved once and managed a small smile, somewhat unnerved by the child's outburst, but Melanie raised herself from her chair and, resting one hand on the banister, waved back enthusiastically with the other, calling the children's names and telling them that she needed to discuss something important with their mother. She always spoke to all children in this manner, like they actually understood everything and needed to be treated like little adults.
Scarlett started when Rhett suddenly picked Bonnie up in his arms and turned towards Wade to rest one hand on his stepson's shoulders in a gesture of trust and reassurance, saying something she could not hear. She realized he was asking Wade to take care of Ella for a little while, which could only mean that he was about to join her and Melanie on the porch. Her hands gripped the armrests of her chair tightly for what felt like the hundredth time today.
Rhett nodded at Wade and playfully pinched Ella's cheek before he started walking towards the veranda, a halfheartedly protesting Bonnie in his arms.
His powerful gait and physique struck Scarlett like a blow, and she could not help watching him as he strutted quickly across the lawn. He raised a hand at her and Melanie in greeting, then made for the steps that led from the green to the porch.
No! Scarlett's mind suddenly screamed, her eyes darting around wildly. He was too close. She was not ready for this. She had to get away; she could not face Rhett, not here, not now, not when she had not seen him alone since the night before, not when she did not know what he felt for her and why on earth she gave a damn.
But there was no escape route, no chance at flight; already could she hear his tread coming ever closer, already could she feel the goosebumps on her skin. Oh, Mother of God.
And then he was there, only a few feet away from them - tall, impeccably dressed, inscrutable.
"Good day, ladies," his thick bass thundered across the porch.
His voice alone set her a-tremble.
He sauntered leisurely towards them, his unfathomable eyes brushing Scarlett shortly as if he wasn't quite sure what kind of greeting she expected from him. But then, before she could say anything, he carefully bent down, Bonnie pressed securely against his chest, and brushed his lips against his wife's cheek, saying lightly, "Hello, darling."
She almost jumped out of her chair, her eyes darting up to his inscrutable face. He noticed her discomfort and gave her a saucy smile, making her want to scowl at him. Only Melanie's presence held her back. He really was infuriating sometimes. Had he kissed her to make her uneasy, or just for Melanie's sake? Did he despise her, merely hiding his aversion behind that mask he always wore? Or could it really be true that he felt more for her than he'd let on in the years of their marriage?
"Hello," she finally murmured in return, too stunned and angry to come up with something more coherent, absentmindedly stroking Bonnie's cheek. Thankfully, the child had calmed down and was now dozing in her father's arms.
The slightest frown momentarily appeared on Rhett's brow and his eyes bored deeply into Scarlett's, but he said nothing, instead turning towards Melanie with a kind and open smile the likes of which he rarely, if ever, bestowed on Scarlett.
He bent over her hand, and, as usual, Melanie was intimidated by his physical power and overwhelming presence. But she quickly recovered when she noticed the respect and brotherly affection in his dark eyes that were always there when he looked at her. Scarlett, too, saw the reverence in his eyes, and to her immense surprise and anger she could not help feeling jealous, her lips forming a tight line. Melanie did not notice, but Rhett seemed to tense for a fleeting moment before he turned his attention fully back to the woman whose tiny hand he was holding in his own large one.
"Miss Melly, what a pleasant surprise. You look well."
Melanie blushed but returned his words with a warm smile of her own. "Thank you Captain Butler. I hope you are well, too?"
"I'm very well, thank you. A little tired perhaps after my outing with the children. We went for a walk around town and ended up in that new shop near Five Points, the one with the fine toys from the Continent. Do you happen to know it?"
Melanie's face brightened. "Oh yes, of course! Beau loves it there, too. But Captain Butler, it must have been quite the ruckus, what with Bonnie's and Ella's love of dolls and Wade's passion for books! I saw some very nice children's books there the other day. And the toys were wonderful indeed!"
Rhett laughed. "Quite the ruckus, I agree. But I found a way to calm them down. I dare say they set me back by a fair share of my hard-earned money."
Melanie went beet-red at the delicate topic of money, especially his money, and Rhett, somewhat amused but unwilling to unsettle her, quickly changed the subject. "And what have you ladies been discussing, I wonder?"
Melanie relaxed visibly. "Oh, we were just talking about Ashley's party tomorrow."
This made Rhett raise one of his dark brows, but Melanie seemed to take it for a sign of his interest. She went on, "Scarlett has given me so much good advice, I don't know how to thank her. Of course, darling," she turned towards Scarlett and lightly touched her hand once again, "you must come tomorrow and help me and India arrange everything. You will come, won't you, as promised?"
Scarlett, who had watched their interaction in silence, naturally had no desire at all to spend time at the Wilkes' house, and was even less inclined to interact with India, of all people. The thought alone of that woman's lashless, cold eyes staring accusingly at her was enough to stir her ire. She was about to decline when she was drawn in once more by Melly's pleading gaze and the hope and devotion in her expression. Oh, but she could not deny her this small favor, could not break her earlier promise, even more so because her only excuse was that she would feel uncomfortable in that house.
And so, she gently grabbed Melanie's hand and nodded her assent. "Of course I'll be there, Melly. I promise."
She heard Rhett suck in a sharp breath and quickly glanced at him through her lashes. He was watching her with that old look of his, like a cat would a mouse hole, eagerly taking in her kind and totally out-of-character treatment of her sister-in-law. Scarlett could not helping being attracted by that intense shimmer in his eyes, intrigued by his curiosity. But under her scrutiny he quickly composed himself, and before she could even blink his inscrutable mask was firmly back in place. Her face fell, and for once she did not bother to hide her disappointment. Again she wished she could penetrate his elusiveness and understand the workings of his mind. Why was he always treating Melanie with so much more kindness and respect than her? And was there really some truth to what Melanie had said, that he loved her? She needed to know! She dared not think about why, but it mattered. What was he thinking? Damn him. Damn him for never letting her in.
"Marvelous!" Melanie cried out happily. "Thank you, my dear."
Scarlett forced a smile to her lips, then turned her head away as if eager to take in the scenery before her and watch Wade and Ella play. She felt Rhett's eyes on her but refused to look at him.
Melanie, remembering her good manners, now turned her attention back to Scarlett's husband. "I do believe I'll see you at the reception, Captain Butler? You are not otherwise engaged, are you? You must not miss it." She added with a shy smile.
"I wouldn't miss that party for the world, Miss Melly." Rhett replied evenly.
Scarlett's jaw clenched. She did not turn around but she could imagine the benign smile on his face even as he lied smoothly to Melanie. She knew he was about as eager to go to that party as she was, although for different reasons. He had always hated Ashley, because... well, because they were so different, right? But something was not quite right with her reasoning, she figured.
Two days ago, she would have argued that Ashley was a gentleman and Rhett was not, and therefore Rhett could not stand being in his presence. She would have said to herself that Ashley was all that was good and noble, and Rhett was a cad. She still thought he was somewhat of a cad, but she no longer thought of Ashley as good and noble. And yesterday, it had been Rhett who had comforted her, who had made her feel alive. No, no, he wasn't a complete varmint... and he was frank about his sins, whereas Ashley was too much of a coward to admit to anyone but herself what he had done. And perhaps – sacrilegious thought – Rhett really was more honest than Ashley in some ways.
Her mouth forming a small 'o', she turned in her seat and looked up at him, incredulous green eyes staring into his. For once taken by surprise he met her gaze directly, but she was so stunned by her own thoughts she did not notice the carefully curbed eagerness in his dark orbs.
As Melanie and Rhett continued chatting idly about this and that, Rhett politely nodding his agreement every now and then, Scarlett tried to make sense of her own thoughts. She had never bothered much to think about Rhett's personality, writing him off as a cad and skunk whenever he did something to upset her, because dismissing him quickly was so much easier than trying to tackle the enigma he presented to her. Whenever she had compared him to Ashley, he had lost out to her golden prince because she had deemed him too coarse, taunting and mean. She had always been convinced he wasn't a gentleman, not fit to wipe Ashley's boots.
But now... In the face of Ashley's betrayal and cowardice, Rhett suddenly appeared to her in a different light. He was indeed no gentleman, but somehow he came out of this whole mess as more of a man than Ashley. She hated him for consorting with nasty creatures such as that Watling woman, but she could not help admiring him for his guts. Rhett always stood his ground and faced the consequences of his actions, something that could not be said for Ashley. Rhett was strong and confident and these traits called out to her in her state of confusion, fumbling as she was for solid ground in a slippery world. She longed to confide in him and draw strength from him, the kind of strength she now realized she had always looked for in Ashley, and never found.
"... don't you agree, Scarlett?" Melanie was looking at her expectantly.
Flustered, Scarlett looked up. "Sorry Melly, what was that?"
"I was just saying how nice it would be if I sent Beau over here for the remainder of the afternoon to play with the children. That is, if you don't mind, of course. You see, I'm afraid I have so much to do and I really have no time to play with him at all. But I don't mean to inconvenience you... "
"It's fine, Melly," Scarlett replied generously. "I'll send Pork with you after lunch to fetch Beau."
"How kind of you, darling. Thank you."
Rhett was still watching her closely, and Scarlett was beginning to grow even more uneasy. Why was he looking at her like that? The look on his face almost resembled the one Mammy had worn earlier.
Thankfully, said servant again proved she had a knack for good timing when she suddenly reappeared on the porch, Pansy in tow. Huffing and breathing hard, Mammy bobbed a curtsy. "Miss Scarlett, Miss Melly, Capt'n Butler. Lunch is ready in the dinin' room."
"Thank you, Mammy." Scarlett said. "We'll be right there. That is - "
She had not planned on sharing the meal with Rhett, or the children for that matter. She really did not feel like being in a room with three screeching children, but she almost hoped Rhett would agree to eat with them.
As if reading her thoughts, Melanie piped up, "Oh, will you and the children eat with us, Captain Butler? That would be lovely!"
Rhett's eyes swiftly went to Scarlett's face as if trying to figure out if she was opposed to dining with him, before he smiled at the inquirer herself. "I'm afraid the children have already had lunch, Miss Melly, and Bonnie needs to be put down for her nap. But I myself could do with something to eat."
Melanie smiled and so did Scarlett, in spite of herself. It did not go unnoticed by him. He gently pressed a kiss to Bonnie's smooth cheek before handing the child over to Pansy, who went back into the house to put her to sleep. Mammy, too, disappeared, leaving the unlikely triumvirate alone on the porch.
"Shall we go inside?" Rhett suggested. Suddenly mischievous, he held out his right hand like a page would, making Melanie laugh. "Ladies? After you."
Thinking that perhaps the couple would like a moment of privacy, Melanie quickly walked into the house, an amused smile still tugging at her lips.
Scarlett, not in the mood for jokes, attempted to follow her, but as she walked past Rhett, he too took a step forward, whether involuntarily or not she could not tell. Her hand brushed against his, causing a shiver to run down her spine. She started and quickly looked up at him. His eyes were dark, so very dark. Part of her wanted to pull away because his eyes alone consumed her, but she could not. Melanie was already out of sight. A clock was ticking somewhere.
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Rhett brushed his thumb over the back of her hand. Slowly, her fingers curled around his. She half expected him to mock her or let out a laugh, but he did nothing of the kind. Fascinated, she observed as he raised her hand to his mouth and gently kissed it, his lips infinitely soft against her skin. She sucked in a sharp breath, then opened her mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came forth. He stepped closer to her. She didn't protest. She yearned to feel his lips upon hers. She yearned for him.
He leaned down, his hand still holding hers. She leaned in, tilting her head upwards. A tension hung in the air; she could feel his breath on her skin.
Their lips were mere inches apart when Mammy called from the parlor.
"Miss Scarlett, Capt'n Butler! Miss Melly's waitin' for yer!"
Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
The moment of secluded intimacy had passed. Rhett straightened himself, clearing his throat. Scarlett stepped away quickly. But, just as she turned to walk away, he lightly touched her shoulder, whispering into her ear, "Later."
Staring up at him, she nodded mutely, too stunned to say anything.
Then, as if nothing had happened, he held out his arm to her. She accepted it gingerly and let him lead her towards the dining room, wondering how on earth she should stand his proximity until she was safely sitting in her chair.