A/N: Okay, I know - I owe you so many apologies. I don't usually take so long to update and I know some of you have even been worried about me since I said I would try to post as soon as I got back - thank you for that and your patience! This was a tough chapter to write mainly because I was still in vacation mode and I needed so many things to happen for this chapter to work. That's why it's super long - and trust me I edited it down. I'm sure you're all expecting it - but it is intended to bring some closure to more than one story arc and I just couldn't get it any more concise. I hope it's okay. Thank you SO much for your reviews and continued interest in this story. Enjoy.
Chapter Twenty Two: The Last Time
He smelled like sweat and campfire smoke and the cologne I'd sent him for Christmas. There was something so familiar about the way he wrapped his arms around me – the odd slumped way his arms draped over my shoulders and his fingers playing with the ends of my hair. I felt strangely teary and had to force a smile when we separated.
"Happy birthday old man," I whispered and he chuckled.
"Thanks gorgeous. How was Christmas?" he said, linking his fingers with mine and leaning against the kitchen counter. He looked tired, but his eyes were bright. I knew how excited he was for this camping night and I was glad to be included. In that moment I didn't even care that Lizzy was included too or that she was already out in the garden with Dorcas and the rest of the Marauders and had been for hours already. This night was going to bring Sirius and I back together and even if I was nervous about the prospect of spending the night alone in his tent, I knew it would be worth it.
"Christmas was nice. I ate too much and Mafalda hated the present I got her. I've got to go exchange it when I get home," I said, rolling my eyes and waving a finger in circles by my head.
He laughed. "What a stick in the mud."
"How was yours?"
"Fun. Remus and Pete came last night and we spent the night out in the woods," he said. He had that knowing and secretive half smile on his face and I didn't push for details. They probably danced around a campfire naked and declared themselves blood brothers. They were very dramatic like that.
"Sorry I'm so late," I said, as we headed to the backdoor. "Dad wouldn't let me take the Knight Bus and he couldn't drop me off until now."
Sirius shrugged. "It's all right. You haven't missed much. James' Mum made us play Pin the Tail on the Hippogriff and then we had cake. A dream come true, obviously. The real party starts as soon as they leave. We've got more firewhisky stashed than any of us should be able to handle. Being of age has its perks – didn't even need to steal it."
"Brilliant," I said enthusiastically. "What else have you lot been up to?"
"Dorcas and James are having some weird moments," he said, pointing up to the sky where our friends were flying. "I think he's going to have to lay down the law tonight – Remus' already talked his ear off about leading her on."
"Good!" I exclaimed, frowning as I watched Dorcas giggle and dodge out of James' way. "It's well overdue."
"Yeah. And…look, Liz bought me a frame for my motorbike for my birthday. Her dad gets stuff cheap because he owns that garage. We've been working on it together." Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor as I clenched my fists.
She bought him a motorbike? Wasn't that an exorbitant gift for a friend to give another friend? He was my boyfriend and all I'd got him was a leather jacket – which to be completely honest might not have even been real leather. He was wearing it now and had promised me it was a wonderful gift, but obviously it was no bloody motorbike frame.
"Hey," he muttered, pulling me to him. "What's wrong?"
I leaned into his chest. "Just wishing I'd got you a better present."
He chuckled weakly and he sounded tired when he replied. "I like all my presents equally. Let's try and have fun tonight, okay? It's my birthday."
I forced a smile. "Of course."
To try and get ahold of my unpredictable emotions, I focused on taking in the sight of James' giant garden. His parents had done an amazing job, with lanterns suspended in the air throughout the vast mowed area and the drained out pool was also lit, so it would glow when it got dark and we could even hang out in the space if we wanted to. More suspended orbs hung between the trees leading into the woods and in the distance I could see one large tent and two smaller ones already set up near a space for a bonfire.
"Padfoot!" James called from his broom up in the sky. "Get up here! Dorcas, Pete and Liz are kicking our butts!"
Sirius and I looked up to where James had charmed a scoreboard to appear to keep track of the progress of the three-a-side game they were playing. James, Sirius and Remus seemed to be down by forty points.
"We were up by fifty ten minutes ago!" Sirius shouted back, removing his jacket and throwing it on one of the loungers beside the pool and grabbing his broom from the ground before he stopped in his tracks and looked at me. "Oh shit. Hang on, Prongs – what should we do about Kate?"
Exactly what I wanted – to be treated as an annoying child that needed to be looked after.
"Oh! Hey Kate!" James said, holding his hands up for a timeout. Lizzy tossed the quaffle between her hands and looked down at us with an unreadable expression.
"She could join our team," Remus suggested with a wave to me.
"But that'll make it uneven!" Peter argued.
"It's cool – I'm awful at Quidditch," I replied graciously. "I'll just sit here and look pretty."
Sirius looked torn. "Er…are you sure?"
"Wait!" Dorcas called. "I'm coming down to say hi."
"Yeah actually," Remus agreed. "I've had enough."
"Moony! Dorcas!" James complained. "Now the teams are even more vastly skewed in talent."
Remus laughed and followed Dorcas down to the ground. "They were skewed anyway. Besides, I can't handle you yelling in my ear anymore."
"He is a bit of a tyrant," Liz grinned. "Hey Kate!"
Oh cheerful enough now that Sirius was ditching me for her, wasn't she?
"Hey," I replied over Dorcas' shoulders as she threw her arms around me. Remus patted me on the back and collapsed on to a lounger. Sirius was still standing there looking like he was itching to fly, but in the end he threw down his broom and sat on the floor beside Remus' lounger.
"Let's take a break," he said to James who groaned, but nodded to Liz and Peter and the three of them touched down to join us.
"Did Mum and Dad leave yet?" James asked Sirius looking towards the house.
"Yeah, they caught Kate on their way out," he nodded.
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's start drinking!" James announced dramatically, pointing towards the tents and campfire.
"Won't they be annoyed if they come home from the banquet and find us all drunk?" Lizzy asked, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. Urgh, that was my move.
"Nah," James said, bouncing on his heels impatiently. "I told my Dad we're going to play Spin the Bottle, so he's going to make Mum go up to bed as soon as they get back to give us our 'privacy'."
I groaned. "Oh yuck. We're not actually going to play Spin the Bottle, are we? No offense, but I really don't fancy snogging you, James."
He stuck two fingers up at me and I grinned.
Remus laughed. "No, James and Sirius prefer more mature games. You know like Truth or Dare."
I joined in with his laughter first and then the others did too.
"Hey – if you come up with proper dares that game is legendary," James argued. "We can't help it if all you choose are Truths, Moony. Come on let's go light up the fire."
He dragged Sirius to his feet and shoved him down the garden path towards the woods, beckoning to the rest of us over his shoulder.
"To the alcohol!" he shouted, leading the way.
"Hey Sirius," Lizzy said, quickening her steps to catch up with them. "I just thought of a great function for the bike. Obviously the invisibility booster is a great idea – but we should also think about putting some spells on the engine to make it run faster than what's on the speedometer."
Oh yawn.
"Exactly!" Sirius agreed. " I really want to get into the muggle mechanics of the thing so I can invent my own spells to work with the engineering."
"Well lucky I got you that mechanical manual for your birthday then," she said, elbowing him and he laughed, looking over his shoulder at me. I gave him a small smile and he cleared his throat.
"Yeah. Thanks. Oi, Prongs, wait up!" And then he took off running, pushing his hands on James shoulders and jumping on his back.
"Ugh Padfoot, you weigh too much!"
Meanwhile, Liz had stopped walking and was just staring after them. I could relate to feeling ignored, but I had no interest in cheering her up. Not when it was my boyfriend's indifference that had upset her. Instead, Peter walked up and started asking her about OWLs and because Dorcas is…Dorcas, she widened her strides to join the conversation about school.
"Look at that," Remus muttered, elbowing me lightly. "He's trying."
I shrugged. I didn't want to talk about Sirius.
"How are you holding up with the whole Emmeline thing?" I asked as we headed down the path to the tents and bonfire. Sirius had already lit it with his wand and the glow looked comforting considering the freezing weather. I was looking forward to getting good and tipsy and being able to take off my enormous coat, which was hiding my very nice new dress. Sirius hadn't seen it properly yet.
"Honestly, I'm over it," Remus shrugged. "We weren't even together properly – I wish everyone would stop babying me."
"Who else is babying you?" I asked, pinching his cheek. He laughed and pulled away, rubbing at the red spot on his cheek.
"The lads are on eggshells, because I had that momentary bout of insecurity. Sirius even asked if he should set me up with Lizzy," He laughed. "Like that would be a good idea."
"Yuck," I agreed as we made it to the campsite. The others had already cracked into the firewhisky and had taken their places around the fire. I noticed that Lizzy had taken a seat between James and Sirius, but I also saw that Sirius had left the other space beside him on the log vacant. He nodded at the seat when our eyes met and even though my heart felt deflated, a little warmth returned to my fingertips.
"Go sit next to him," Remus whispered, pushing me forward.
By eleven, we were tipsy.
James and Sirius were talking about Quidditch and Liz was nodding along as she toasted marshmallows for them. Meanwhile, I was arguing with Dorcas, Peter and Remus about whether Professor Binns had died from old age or boredom.
At least that was a conversation I could contribute to.
"He doesn't even look that old!" Peter said. "My uncle looks older."
"You are completely right Pete. They say that he fell asleep, died and then just carried on like nothing had happened, but I bet that's the cover story. He obviously bored another Professor to death and they murdered him. My money's on Slughorn, although Minerva is probably an option too."
Remus laughed and opened his mouth to probably agree with me enthusiastically, but was interrupted by Lizzy jumping to her feet and screaming. A large ember had landed on her t-shirt and burned a hole in her t-shirt. It was still smoking as she attempted to dust herself off hysterically, tripping and landing too close to Sirius' other side – almost landing in his lap. His eyebrows twisted with concern as he jumped up and waved his wand, spraying water all over her white shirt. James bit back a laugh as Sirius and Lizzy's eyes both widened and he hurriedly apologized and dried her see-through shirt. He glanced at me and cleared his throat.
"Thanks, sorry…" she mumbled, lifting her shirt and revealing a small burn on her flat stomach. Sirius cleared his throat again and tapped her belly with his wand and the wound disappeared. They stared at each other and I dug my fingers into the ground and squeezed a pile of dirt, ignoring Remus' supportive look and turning away from their 'romantic' scene just as Sirius' eyes widened again and turned to me.
Even though my heart felt like it was all the way in my gut, I put on a bright voice and took a swig from my drink.
"So, if it was Minerva, do you think it was a crime of passion?"
Dorcas and Peter laughed and Remus smiled, though his eyes looked worried.
"What are you talking about?" Liz put in as Sirius sat back down beside me and she wisely sat on James' other side.
"The Binns Conspiracy, obviously," I replied. "Where have you been for the last five minutes?"
Other than falling all over my boyfriend like a damsel in distress.
She shrugged. "Burning to death. Sorry."
Sirius coughed and there was a pregnant pause before I felt a bubble rise inside me and I burst into laughter. It cut into the icy atmosphere and the others joined in as I leaned against a confused Sirius and grabbed his hand.
"Well, what do you reckon?" I asked Lizzy.
"About Binns?"
"No about life in general," I said blankly. "Like what do you think our purpose on this planet is?"
I heard Remus' stifled laugh and Sirius' laborious sigh, but just blinked as Lizzy started fidgeting with her hands in her lap.
"I…er… what?"
"Have a marshmallow, Kate," James said, throwing the package at my head. It bounced off and landed on the floor, but I kept my face composed.
"It's not a conspiracy, Kate! Do you think Dumbledore would have let someone get away with murder in his school?" Dorcas said, coming to Liz's rescue.
"Fine, but when you wake up a ghost one day – don't expect me to believe that Lily murdered you in your sleep. By your logic, Dumbledore would never let that happen," I said with a dramatic sigh.
"I'm not worried about Lily murdering me, actually," Dorcas grinned. "I'm sure you'd be first in line."
"Moi?"
"So, um – do you like taking History for NEWT?" Liz spoke up, tucking some hair behind her ear and concentrating on my face.
I just raised my eyebrows and picked up the marshmallows to stuff my face with and let Remus, Dorcas and Peter answer her. I could feel Sirius' eyes on me, but I refused to look at him – even if he wasn't saying anything, I knew what he was thinking. I was being a bitch, a completely unreasonable freak, and I knew it. But I couldn't stop myself. After a moment, I felt his arm around my shoulder again and I leaned into neck. He dipped his head beside my ear to whisper while James started passing out generous cups of firewhisky to the group. It was going to be a long night.
"Okay?" Sirius muttered and I tilted my head back to look up at him. There it was – the expression I'd grown so accustomed to: the tiredness, the dead eyes – the expression that didn't suit his mischievous, handsome face in the least.
"Sorry," I whispered into his neck. "I'm trying not to be jealous."
I felt him nod and then heard him whisper back. "Thanks."
When we separated, James was leaning over and holding two cups out to us.
"No more nuzzling," he said. "Let's get plastered."
By one, we were drunk.
Remus, Peter and Sirius were having a very serious discussion about the apparent superiority of rats, James and Dorcas were dancing to an Artemis Proctor song they'd forced us to play and Lizzy and I were playing Knuts. We had three cups set up on the log and were taking turns bouncing the little brass coins into them.
"No, no, you've got to bounce it off that ridge," I said, throwing an arm around her neck and pulling her to me so she could see the lick in the wood beside the cup on the left.
"I did that last time and it almost hit Sirius in the face," she laughed and I nodded, toasting my drink with hers.
"Exactly my point."
We both giggled and watched as Sirius waved his hands about, telling Remus and Peter some story and then covering his face and peering through his fingers adorably. I felt Lizzy sigh dreamily beside me and although it registered in my head that that should've annoyed me, the alcohol had done its job and I was on too much of a high to care.
"Go on then," I said, handing her the coin.
She took a deep breath and it bounced off the log sharply and rose up high in the air before sailing over the ground and hitting Sirius right in the eye and making him shout with surprise.
I howled with laughter, high-fiving her as she stumbled her apologies.
"You missed," Sirius grumbled, nodding to the cup and rubbing his eyes.
"You are brilliant Liz – why don't we get along better?" I asked grinning.
She and Sirius both went quiet.
"Ah, right," I chuckled weakly.
Thankfully however, James saved the day.
"Drinking game!"
Once we'd settled back around the fire, James forced Dorcas and I to switch places so that there would be "no canoodling" between Sirius and I (As if we had been kissing all night rather than sitting away from each other and not speaking). But to be honest, I didn't much mind because it meant I could sit beside Remus and would be able to escape my awkward comment towards Lizzy. She seemed happy too – sitting on Sirius' left and leaning over him and Peter to clink her cup with Dorcas'.
"So, what are we playing?" Remus asked, leaning back on his hands and yawning.
"Let's do that one where we say things and you drink if you've done it," James said. "I'll start. I've never fancied a Professor."
Sirius groaned and everyone except Lizzy turned to me expectantly. I laughed and took a drink happily.
"Prewett is sex on legs," I explained, when suddenly I noticed Dorcas drinking too.
"Agreed," she said and I yelped with excitement as the boys groaned.
"Lizzy – admit it, you think so too!" I said and after a moment, she too, nervously, took a drink.
"Pathetic," Sirius said as the others laughed. "Your turn, Liz."
"Umm…I've never been to France."
She clearly didn't understand the point of this game.
"What? That is the worst," Sirius complained. "Come on – don't you Fifth Years play these embarrassing games when you're drinking?"
She shrugged. "Maybe the more popular girls do."
"That is ridiculous," James said, rolling his eyes and taking a swig of his drink. Sirius, Dorcas and I followed suit, but Sirius was still shaking his head.
"I don't understand this whole 'popular' phrase," he said. "What does it even mean?"
"That people think you're cool. Like you guys," she said, shrugging again and sipping. "Oh sorry – I haven't been to France."
"That's what you're apologizing for?" I laughed. "You should be apologizing for putting a downer on our game."
"I didn't mean to!" she protested and Sirius cut in.
"I think you're cool," he said with a shrug. "So I guess that means you're popular too."
There was an odd silence during which I felt eyes on me and I avoided looking away from the fire. Remus kicked my shoe and I unconsciously glanced at him. He shot me a supportive smile and I forced one back.
"Actually," he said breaking the painful silence. "Technically the definition of the word popular means well-liked. And everyone here is awful, so that makes none of us popular."
Sirius barked a laugh and shook his head and Lizzy smiled.
"Yeah, must be why I hate you all so much," I added and we all laughed again.
"Moving on," James said, nodding to Sirius.
"Watch and learn," he said to Lizzy making her blush. "I've never snogged anyone under the stairwell outside the Great Hall…with my shirt off."
"Ugh!" I exclaimed as he waggled his eyebrows at me and watched me take a reluctant sip. At least he remembered I was here too.
"Ew Kate, you did that?" Dorcas asked making a face.
"He's stretching the truth!" I said, throwing a stick at him. He dodged it and grinned. "It was with John Calloway in the middle of last year and we'd just been swimming in the lake."
"And then you snogged in your underwear," Sirius smirked.
"And I told you that in confidence!" I snapped, taking a larger sip from my cup. "Or…well, you promised you'd keep it a secret when you bumped into us."
"You walked in on them snogging in their underwear?" Peter asked, his eyes widening. "You never told us!"
Sirius shrugged and leaned back in his seat. "I told Moony."
"What?" I screamed, glaring at Remus, whose face was red.
"I didn't want to embarrass you," he mumbled. He didn't meet my eyes and was drawing in the dirt with a stick. James and Peter were still laughing and Dorcas was spluttering and asking half-formed questions.
"When did this happen?" Lizzy asked.
"About a month before Sirius asked me out last year," I said. "It took him forever to work up to it, so I was still going on dates."
"How come it took you so long, Sirius? We all knew you liked her," Dorcas said, elbowing him and giving him one of her uncomfortable stares. He chuckled weakly and glanced in my direction. Remus threw his stick into the fire.
"A lot of other blokes liked her," Sirius replied quietly and I noticed that everyone had stopped fidgeting to listen. Except Remus, who leaned towards the record player to switch the tune.
It made me happy to think back on that time – the forced uncertainty and the nervousness I felt every time I saw or talked to him. I used to be so happy when he paid any attention to me, and even though I'd been so frustrated by his mixed signals back then – I preferred that to the way it was now. Not knowing for sure if someone liked you was very sad, but knowing that someone did like you but might prefer someone else, or might be bored with you was a million times worse. At least, it seemed that he liked to remember the uncomplicated times too.
"Pete, your turn," he said, getting up to get another bottle from the hollowed out tree behind the big tent. When he returned and sat back on his log, his eyes darted between Lizzy and I and then hung his head between his knees for a second. When he sat up, he had that forced expression of attention, but his eyes were glazed over. I wondered if he was paying attention to my expressions the way I was watching his. I wondered if he was feeling as helpless.
"I've never fancied anyone sitting around this fire," Peter said proudly.
He was an idiot.
James groaned. "Well done, Pete."
And as I took a swig, I watched to see who was doing the same. Sirius – obviously. Dorcas too, and she blushed as James squeezed his eyes shut. And Lizzy – of course, although I was shocked that she would admit to it. Sirius closed his eyes too and sighed.
"What about you Moony?" Peter put in and I looked to my left to see Remus just running his finger around the rim of his cup. He glanced up and raised his eyebrows.
"I'm not drinking."
Obviously. It's not as if he fancied Dorcas or Lizzy.
"So Sirius and Kate are obvious, but what about Dorcas and Liz?" Peter, the clueless prat was just chattering on like an oblivious dolt – he obviously didn't seem to see how red Lizzy's face was or how furious Sirius' expression was or how James was biting his lip and looking at Dorcas like he was going to collapse with fear.
And that's when the night took a turn for the worse.
"Well," Sirius said, saluting us and lifting his cup up to his mouth. He didn't speak again until he'd finished almost all of the contents. "Now that this game's ruined. I'm going to take a slash."
He headed to the house with a kick at the sand and after a moment, Peter got up to follow him. A few seconds passed before James cleared his throat and looked at Dorcas.
"Can I have a word, Dor?"
She shot me a nervous glance and I turned up the corners of my mouth encouragingly. It felt like an enormous effort – not just because it was obvious that James was about to disappoint her for good, but because I had a feeling that I'd be having one of these hard conversations very soon too.
"So," Remus said. "Want to play Snap or something?"
Liz and I nodded and Remus turned up the wireless before we started the game. We played mostly in silence and intensified the awkwardness. It didn't help that I was so distracted or that Liz and I couldn't even look at each other. Remus just played the role of buffer and anytime the Snap pile blew up, he made an off-hand comment about how he was the only one trying. Liz and I both chuckled weakly and our eyes met for a split second before we both continued drinking.
Sirius and Peter returned fifteen minutes later and joined in the game without a word and the awkward, silent, boring game continued for another five minutes before Dorcas and James emerged from the trees. Dorcas didn't look at us. She just rushed straight to the big tent without a word and James stuck his hands in his pockets and joined our circle looking disheveled and upset.
"Should we play another game?" Peter suggested.
"No," James replied immediately. "Let's just drink."
The boys clinked cups and Liz nodded and as they proceeded to take on James' advice with unabashed exuberance, I quietly got up and went to the tent to check on Dorcas. She was curled up in her sleeping bag crying.
"Dor?"
"I tried," she sniffled. "Not to be so intense. Not to come on so strong."
I shushed her and ran my hand up and down her back soothingly. "I know you did."
"He doesn't like me," she sobbed into the pillow. "He likes Lily."
I nodded and continued rubbing her back until she sniffed loudly and turned over to stare up at the ceiling of the tent.
"Why doesn't anyone like me?" she whispered and I shook my head and squeezed her hand.
"It isn't you. Boys are just dumb," I said. "One of these days, someone will see how brilliant you are and it'll all be okay. I promise."
She closed her eyes. "Not someone I want though."
"Don't do this to yourself Dorcas. It'll all work out the way it's meant to."
"You really believe that?" she asked, biting her lip and opening her eyes.
I shrugged. "I guess so."
"You're worried about Sirius and Liz, aren't you?" she said quietly, pulling the sleeping bag up to her chin and drying her cheeks.
"I'm worried about me, honestly," I replied just as softly. I felt her hand close around my wrist and I attempted to smile.
"It'll work out the way it's supposed to. You're right."
I nodded. "Want to come out and drink some more?"
"No, I want to sleep and then leave as soon as I wake up. Please don't make me face him," she said pleadingly. "I just need the rest of the break to force myself to stop liking him. And then it might not hurt so much every time I see him look at Lily."
"Okay," I replied and she turned on her side and started crying again. After a few minutes, her breathing got steady and I left the tent to continue drinking.
So much for a fun night.
By three, we were plastered.
The sullen mood from a few hours previously had mostly disappeared and the boys had started a drunken two aside Quidditch game. They didn't do much actual playing, just sort of flew into other and burst into silly laughter every five minutes. Liz and I hung back by the fire watching with glazed eyes and hazy heads. We were quiet, but it felt like a comfortable silence for once. We were both being ignored. Sirius hadn't spoken to either of us directly since the game from earlier.
"Look at the fool – he's missed every single catch," I laughed, pointing as Sirius fumbled the Quaffle and accidentally whacked it at Peter's head.
Liz chuckled. "And that's why he plays Beater – I don't think he can concentrate without his bat in his hand."
"Ooh don't talk dirty to me, Liz," I joked and we both burst into loud laughter. Sirius glanced our way and broke into one of his high quality grins and we both fell silent, still smiling.
"Merlin, he is so hot," I muttered as he turned away to fly after James who had disappeared amongst the trees further back.
I heard Lizzy whimper in agreement and when she didn't say anything, I turned and saw that tears were streaming down her eyes. It was a bit alarming to see in my current condition.
"Woah, are you okay?" I asked, patting her shoulder as she cried.
"I'm sorry," Liz slurred. "I'm such a bitch."
I shook my head ardently. "No, of course you're not!"
I stared as the tears continued to fall and every time she wiped her face, her eyes seemed to provide twice the moisture. Mine felt dry and itchy but I wasn't worried about crying – something inside me had gone numb.
"I just…I like him so much," she whispered tearfully.
I nodded, moving my hand from her shoulder and slumping back against the log feeling stunned. Buzzkilly Lizzy. I had to bite my lip to accidentally keep the inappropriate bubble of laughter from surfacing.
"And I know I shouldn't be telling you this. You're his girlfriend – you're the one he chose and me liking him isn't doing any of us favours," she said. "But I can't help it."
"Yeah."
"It's just…it's not fair! I keep getting my hopes up every time he pays me attention and then you're here and – of course, he should be – but he focuses all his energy on you and I, I just wish it were me."
I laughed weakly and rubbed my face. My face felt tired, but my legs were stiff and I couldn't imagine getting up and going to sleep now. Damn Lizzy. Damn Sirius. Damn it all.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do," she said, shaking her head and hanging it between her knees.
Unconsciously, I reached over and rubbed her back comfortingly, the way I'd done for Dorcas. I needed someone to rub my back. I clenched my fist and looked up at the sky feeling my vision blur a little. When it focused, I saw Remus was hovering on his broom, watching. The others seemed to still be lost amongst the treetops. He raised an eyebrow questioningly and I shook my head and looked away. Lizzy had sat up now and was drinking deeply from her cup. I pulled my hand away from her and wished that she would stop drinking – I didn't need her to start admitting anything else.
"Look," I said with a heavy sigh. "I sort of understand. I wish you could see things from my side – to me, it feels like he focuses too much energy on you."
She opened her mouth to rebuff me but I raised a hand.
"I know he might say that he's chosen me – I get that you feel that way because he's my boyfriend and not yours. But in reality, it's more complicated than that. I think he likes us both." My voice felt flat. It was as if I were telling her about homework or something, I felt so little emotion.
"No, Kate…no," she said, starting to cry again.
I clenched my teeth, feeling my first stab of real annoyance at her sob-fest. "Look, can I give you some advice?"
Her lip quivered and she bit down on it as she nodded hesitantly.
"This can't go on anymore. If you want him to choose you, you've got to ask him."
She looked like a deer in wandlight and was struggling for words, but I didn't wait for her to reply, I just kept talking.
"It's either you ask him or we keep being miserable. The three of us will keep having awkward forced conversations with an elephant in the room, or the two of us will be spending all our energy on wondering which one of us he likes more. Or the two of you will get too close and cheat again," I said and bit the inside of my cheek to stop my watery eyes from giving me away.
"Have you asked him?" she whispered as we heard whoops and cheers. In my periphery, I saw that the other boys had joined Remus and had now touched down to the ground.
"In a way," I shrugged. "It's up to you – but if you don't want to tell him to choose, and you can't be just his friend, then I see no other real option."
She nodded and over her shoulder, I saw the boys approaching, stumbling and laughing raucously.
"Dry your face," I said firmly and then forced a smile. "Good game boys?"
"Remus and Peter destroyed us," James laughed, collapsing on to the floor beside Peter. Remus sat on the log opposite us with his gaze fixed directly on me. I had to look away – I didn't want his pity or his support right now. I was barely holding it together as it was.
Meanwhile, Sirius drunkenly ambled over and plopped down in the space between Liz and I. Her eyes were still red, but she forced a grin of her own, looking at me just once before shyly turning her attention to Sirius. I looked at my lap and felt Sirius' arm around my shoulders. His other arm was wrapped around her.
"You know what?" he slurred. "You two are my favourite girls at Hogwarts."
James laughed and leaned back to look at the sky and I heard Remus clear his throat.
"Shush Sirius," Lizzy said quietly.
"Really though. I mean Dorcas and Lily are in the top five but you guys are number one and two."
"Who else is in the top five?" I said, holding my voice steady and trying to sound teasing. "Minerva?"
Sirius laughed and pulled me to him, in the process also bringing Lizzy closer to his other shoulder.
"How did you guess?" He shook his head and sighed contentedly. "I wish we always got along like this. Much less drama."
I laughed properly at that and Liz looked a little ill.
"Write them a love letter Padfoot, it would be less disgusting," James called and Peter snorted.
"I'm glad you guys are my friends," Sirius said, placing a haphazard kiss on my cheek and then one on Lizzy's. She turned bright red.
"Padfoot," Remus said warningly, but didn't continue when I shook my head. I was suddenly totally shattered and exhausted. I needed to go to bed. And I needed to get away from Sirius and his stupid hugs. I jumped to my feet and steadied myself before nodding to everyone.
"Well, I'm calling it a night," I said. "Happy birthday old man."
"Huh?" Sirius said, dragging himself up and putting his hands on my shoulders. "No, come on – let's just finish the last bottle."
"I've had enough."
His eyes were round and puppy dog like and I felt a familiar pang in my chest – though it was muted and only had a fraction of the power it used to.
He leaned in close to whisper. "But aren't we going to…you know?"
I almost slapped him.
But instead I laughed and patted his cheek. "Not the best night for it, I think."
He nodded and his hair fell in his eyes. "Yeah. Right. Of course, you're right."
"Good night, Sirius."
I looked over my shoulder and saw Liz biting her lip. Obviously she was going to be staying up with the rest of them.
"Kiss me at least?" Sirius muttered and even though it was the last thing I felt like doing, I pressed my lips against his and pulled his shirt firmly to my chest.
I wasn't sure how many more of those I would get.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt sweaty and nauseous and extremely warm. My head throbbed as I sat up and kicked my legs out of the sleeping bag. Dorcas was still asleep, only her blonde hair poking out over the top of the covers and Liz's side of the tent was all packed up. I swigged from a bottle of water and tied my hair up in a bun on my head before crawling over Dorcas to the tent opening and sticking my head out. The air was chilly and fresh smelling and I felt instantly better, so I pulled on my fleece sweater and got out of the tent, stretching and blinking into the dim sunlight. It was still early and only one person sat around the fire pit, with a blanket wrapped around himself, his hair disheveled.
"Morning," I mumbled, ambling my way over to Sirius and plopping beside him on the floor. He nodded and took a swig from a bottle of firewhisky, throwing me a half-smile mid sip.
"That's disgusting," I said, grimacing and making him chuckle.
"Helps with the hangover," he said, offering me the bottle. I shook my head and rubbed my arms to get more warmth into them. He shrugged and took another sip before pulling something from his pocket and sticking a muggle cigarette into his mouth.
"Look at you," I said, raising an eyebrow. "Where's your leather jacket and flying carpet, bad boy?"
He laughed and shook his head. "Want one? They're pretty good."
"No, I'm good," I said hugging my knees and resting my head on them so I could look at him. He looked more exhausted than I felt and his eyes were bloodshot. Had he slept at all? I could hear Peter's snores from here, so I assumed the other boys had eventually called it a night after I'd gone to bed.
Sirius put down the bottle and kicked at some of the still smoldering coals. I was beginning to get anxious. There was something not right about his expression – it wasn't the usual hungover tiredness, it was worse than that.
"So, Liz talked to me last night," he said in an even voice, still staring straight ahead.
"Yeah, she's gotten much better at conversation these last few months, hasn't she?" I said, casually and he chuckled, shaking his head.
"What did she say then?"
The corner of his mouth turned up and he looked at me out of the side of his eye.
"You don't already know?"
I swallowed and shrugged my shoulders and he sighed, flicking his cigarette at the coals.
"She told me that she has feelings for me and she couldn't keep hanging around with me hoping that I might end things with you. She wanted to know if there was something between us or if it was just false hope."
He looked at me like he was half expecting a jealous reaction or a snide comment, but I just nodded and he chuckled again: a hollow, bitter kind of chuckle.
"What did you say?"
He sighed. "I asked her where this was coming from."
Yeah, here's where I was going to get in trouble. I wanted to make a joke about it, but my throat was too tight.
"And she said that you'd mentioned it to her. And I guess, I wanted to be surprised by that…but I wasn't."
"Mmm."
"Because that's what you've been trying to tell me for months, hasn't it?" he said and his voice was unusually tense and controlled. The huskiness turned scratchy.
Because I still couldn't speak, I just nodded and he nodded too before turning back to the fire.
"I didn't do this on purpose you know?"
He didn't continue and we sat there, him staring at the fire, and me staring at him for what seemed like hours.
"I know you didn't," I finally said, and my voice sounded scratchy too. My eyes were annoyingly prickly and I couldn't really bring myself to move even though I would have liked to adjust my sweater so that my whole shoulder was covered from the cold.
"But it hasn't really been fair, has it? Not to Liz or me – because we both know that you like us, but we both don't know which one of us you like more."
I shied away, expecting him to snap or scowl or wince, but he just sighed softly.
"Yeah, that's what she said too. She said that I had to choose."
I laughed because I didn't know what to say and when he looked back at me with a confused half smile, I felt like running back into the tent and zipping it up all the way. It was too early for this. I wasn't ready to face it. The first tear fell from my eye before I realized I was crying and I wiped it away roughly, as if I could force it back in.
"She's right – you do. You have to choose."
His jaw clenched and he pulled at a weed near his feet, throwing it at the fire beside his cigarette butt.
"I know. Which is why I told her that I couldn't be with her. She left half an hour ago."
I hadn't expected those words, but something about the look on his face prevented my heart leaping with happiness. He said it in an offhand way, like he wasn't telling me good news and even though I should have felt some sort of named emotion in response, I didn't. The pain in my gut was preventing me from feeling anything else.
"I always knew you hated ultimatums," I whispered, rubbing away more moisture from under my eyes.
He laughed again – this time a proper laugh, not bitter or sarcastic.
"So that's why you got the other girl to do it?"
I smiled despite the pain in my belly and laughed too. "And you know how much I hate dirty work."
He smiled and shook his head, sticking another cigarette between his teeth and lighting it up with the end of his wand. Peter let out a loud, pig-like snort and the two of us laughed together, once.
"So?" I muttered and his eyebrows creased together acknowledging my words.
"So, I think the reason I'm having trouble saying anything else is because I'm not sure I really want to say what I need to say," he said, running a hand through his gorgeous hair and squinting at me.
"Just say it."
He wet his lips and chewed the inside of his cheek before he muttered, "I've got to tell you the same thing that I told her."
The pain didn't get sharper. In fact it almost ebbed into a dull throb. I didn't feel panic or worry or even hurt, because I'd expected this. In some ways, telling Liz to confront Sirius had been my way of resolving myself of any responsibility. If he'd chosen her, I would have been able to feel hurt and if he'd chosen me it might have been a sign that there was more for us. But there wasn't anything left anymore. It was time for Sirius and I to stop, for good this time.
"Yeah," I replied softly. "I thought you might say that."
"I'm not having fun anymore," he said, and his voice was gentle. It was the one he used every time I cried, even though I'd stopped crying now.
"No. We haven't been having fun for a long time, I think," I said, closing my eyes.
He clicked his tongue. "No, I think that's the problem. We have been having fun. I always have fun with you, Kate."
I let out a sharp sound in agreement and my eyes were blurry again. He reached over to grab my hand off my knee and he squeezed it.
"I've just always thought that I needed a girlfriend to be a functioning teenager. Someone to be with besides my friends, because that's what everyone else wants. And trust me, Kate – there was no better option than you."
I nodded and bit my lip because the tears were still falling and my throat felt too constricted to think, let alone speak.
"Because my friends are your friends too, and even though you're crazy sometimes, you're hardly ever insecure, and you don't try to get me to spill my guts or force your way into things I don't want to share with you."
He squeezed my hand again and I finally looked up from my lap to stare into his cool grey eyes.
"And you are so gorgeous and funny and cool and I couldn't imagine another girl at Hogwarts being a better girlfriend than you. And even if it's hard for you to believe me – that includes Liz."
I wiped my face with the sleeves of my sweater and shook my head. "Don't say things like that now Sirius. Not when we're breaking up."
He smiled and I twisted my lips together sadly, reaching to squeeze his hand.
"But the problem is – I don't want a girlfriend. I want to live. I want to explore the world and get in trouble and build a flying motorcycle. I want to spend time doing whatever I want without having someone else to answer to. I want to go fight in the war and take curses for my best friends without worrying about anyone else. I want to be free. And I can't be free when I'm tied down – not even by someone as cool as you."
I groaned and pulled my hand away from his to cover my face, peering at him through my fingers
"That just really sucks for me though, you know?"
He nodded. "Yeah. But you know I'm a selfish person – I can't put you ahead of myself the way you want me to. I'm always going to look out for number one."
"That is such crap," I whispered. "You put your mates first. Always."
"But they're an extension of me. There's no Sirius Black without the Marauders. There's just no room for anyone else. At least not where I'm concerned."
I nodded and closed my eyes. "I hate you for somehow sounding like you make sense."
"You should hate me – I haven't treated you the way you deserve. I never have. You deserve someone who will put you first the way I can't. I think you knew that anyway. If you didn't – you would've made sure that I didn't find out that the ultimatum idea was yours."
I frowned and stuck my tongue out at him and he laughed.
"I don't know why you try to deny it – you know I'm always right," he teased and then he threw the usual arm around me and pulled me to his chest and I breathed in the smoke and the sweat and the cologne for the last time.
"Kate?"
I looked up from Sirius' body to see Dorcas stumbling out of the tent and dragging out her rolled up sleeping bag, followed by mine, and then both of our bags. James, Remus and Peter had also emerged from their tents and Dorcas was avoiding looking their way.
Before they started walking over, I leaned near Sirius' ear to whisper urgently. "Do me one favour?"
"What's that?" he replied in a low voice, raising his arm to wave at the others.
"Wait until I leave to tell the lads that we broke up?" I pleaded. "I can't deal with it."
He nodded and linked our fingers together so he could pull me to my feet.
Dorcas was in the lead, shoving my stuff at me and giving me a look that made me laugh weakly.
"Yeah, we better go," I said, dropping my stuff and Sirius' hand to hug James and Peter.
When I hugged Remus, he pulled away to frown at my face and I forced a casual smile. He opened his mouth to speak, but I turned away. He'd have to take Sirius' side in all this and I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him properly yet.
"Bye then. Thanks," Dorcas said awkwardly, fidgeting with her bag strap.
"Bye Katie," Sirius said, hugging me again.
"Don't call me that, prick," I said, pulling away and making everyone laugh.
Sirius winked at me and then he pecked me lightly on the mouth.
For the last time.
A/N: And now we can finally move on. If you managed to get through this monster chapter in one go, I applaud you. I'm not 100% happy with it, but I hope you still enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!