A/N: I won't waste time with a long opening author's note because I've kept you waiting long enough! Enjoy and thank you for your stupendous reviews!

Chapter Thirty-Two: I like your hair like that

The following week, I was sitting in The Great Hall, eating eggs and looking around. I had a list in front of me that wasn't doing much good, but was useful to look down at when someone caught me staring. I was the first to breakfast that day because I had my bright eyed and bushy tailed hat on for the day. I'd had too many gloomy days and this one was going to be brilliant – I was sure!

"Morning," Remus said, sliding on to the bench beside me and smiling as he helped himself to a plate of toast and bacon.

"Oh morning Remus," I replied, still staring at the small girl standing between the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff tables and fiddling with something inside her bag. I checked my list again and frowned. It was useless.

"What're you up to?" Remus asked as he reached for the teapot on my left. I felt the slight swoop in my belly as our arms brushed, but hurried to help him before refocusing my attention on the girl.

"Trying to memorize names," I explained, screwing up my face and trying hard to think if I'd seen her somewhere before.

"Memorize names?"

"Yeah," I said looking at him and shrugging. "Well, I just figured – I've always been, to put it lightly – so oblivious – and I just thought it would be nice if I remembered more names."

Remus looked like he wanted to laugh, which was understandable and irritatingly adorable, but he held back the urge. "Right. Okay. That's a…cool thing to do. So, where d'you get the list?"

"Prewett. But it doesn't really help to have an entire list of Hogwarts when you can't match the name to the face. So, you are going to be my eyes and…well, my eyes, because you don't really need your ears for this. Um, that girl there – is it Clementine or Caroline?" I said, cocking my head towards my target and trying not to point too obviously.

"Her?" Remus asked, looking bewildered.

"Yeah, her. The one with the orangey hair."

He looked away from me blinking a few more times and then focused on the tiny redhead in front of us. "Okay, that's a First Year."

"Yeah?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Kate! I don't even know the First Years' names."

"What?!" I sighed in frustration. "Ugh. Okay well – imagine, just imagine for a moment: she comes up to all of us while we're having breakfast and says, 'Hello!' and I'm like 'Oh hello! Who are you?' and everyone looks at me with disdain and anger and disbelief and you're all like – 'Kate, how can you not know that this is Clementine? – and I'm like, 'I've never spoken to her, she's a First Year – and everyone's like 'Oh Godric Kate – you're so self absorbed, you don't even know who Clementine is.'"

Remus was laughing quite loudly now and I smiled too. I loved seeing him laugh and it even felt like it used to – before all the stupid revelations. We were just two mates having a good time together.

Still chuckling, he said, "Right, okay. While I think it probably has more to do with your lack of tact, I do see your point. Okay…um, excuse me?"

He had leaned over the table and called to Clementine politely. She looked like a deer in wand light as she took a few steps towards us and took in our smiling faces.

"Er, yes?"

"Hello!" I greeted as Remus stifled more laughter. I kicked him under the table and he swallowed hurriedly.

"Morning, how are you?" he said, biting back his grin.

"Um, morning?" Clementine replied, her eyes darting between us curiously.

"Er," Remus glanced at me and I nodded encouragingly. "What's your name?"

"Jane."

Remus choked a little and took a large sip of tea to disguise it. I pinched my own knee under the table to keep myself from bursting into laughter too.

"Hi Jane, I'm Kate," I said.

"Remus," Remus coughed, with a little wave.

"Hello. Pleased to meet you?" she said, looking borderline terrified now.

I felt Remus' shoulders shaking beside me and nodded hurriedly to get rid of her.

"You too! Enjoy your breakfast!"

She nodded and scurried away in a hurry, looking like she didn't know whether to tell her friends or pretend that hadn't just happened. Meanwhile Remus had broken into proper laughter now and I finally let my own giggles escape.

"Oh no!" I gasped suddenly. "D'you reckon I should've asked her last name too?"

Remus shook his head, still smiling. "No Kate, I think you'll be fine with just remembering 'Jane'."

"All right then. What about her?" I said pointing to a familiar Gryffindor, who looked to be Fourth or Fifth Year. "Don't tell me – I know this one…it's Stephanie?"

Remus turned to me looking exasperated. "Okay, now I get the purpose of this activity. That's Jenny."

"Jenny? As in Fringy?" I replied in shock.

"Yes. Jennifer, who used to have a fringe, yeah."

"That's her? Merlin – she's grown her fringe out. Aw! She looks lovely. We ought to set her and Peter up again."

Remus shook his head. "You know, I would tell you that's a horrible idea considering how terrible they were for each other. But they're actually going to Hogsmeade together – for Valentine's."

"Oh! Oh good." I paused and bit my lip. "What about you? Decided whether you're going to ask Gemma yet?"

He shrugged and the corner of his mouth turned up and down. "Yeah…not yet."

"Yeah," I nodded, wetting my lips and feeling that new wave of discomfort that happened more than I liked around Remus nowadays. "Did you see James' face though?" I added with a snicker.

Remus chuckled. "Yeah, he was not pleased that we broke the pact."

"Yeah. I think it's just because he has waited for Lily for forever and now that the rest of us are saying that it's probably better to wait…he feels like a tosser for not waiting and asking someone else."

"Yup. Think you got it right," Remus nodded firmly.

We both laughed and I smiled into my teacup before pointing at another Gryffindor boy.

"Okay well that boy – that's Krish, right?"

Remus shook his head and shoved his shoulder lightly into mine. "Yeah, well done. You got Krish right – he's on the Quidditch team. You've talked to him several times."

"Okay good, I'm not a complete arsehole!"

He ruffled my hair a little and I had to force myself not to close my eyes and enjoy it.

"No, Kate. You're not an arsehole," he smiled before returning to his toast.

"Ohhh if it isn't the smugsome twosome!" James said grumpily as he, Sirius and Peter joined us at the table.

"Does James seem bitter to anyone else?" I asked as I put away my list and helped myself to more bacon.

"Who him?" Remus asked, pointing at James and shaking his head. "Never."

"Har har har," James replied, through a mouthful of tea. "Come down from your sarcastic high horses for a minute, will you?"

"I don't know why you're so upset with them James," Peter shrugged as he buttered his toast. "You're going to Hogsmeade with Mary and she's fit. And they're going to Hogsmeade alone and that's sad."

"As usual Pete, you take complete gauge of the situation and boil it down to its simplest form," Remus laughed. "We've just decided to wait until we're ready to ask the people we want to ask." He paused and glanced at me. "Or in Kate's case – decided to uphold her complete hatred of Valentine's Day."

I chuckled uncomfortably and caught Sirius rolling his eyes from behind his mug of coffee.

"Well you – Remus – are simply euphemizing the real reasons behind your motives," James put in. "Which are – you're too much of a wuss to ask out Gemma and Kate's trying to prove a point to Sirius."

My hand tightened around my fork and I ground my jaw together before opening my mouth to snap at him.

"Hey James! Com–" Remus started before he too, was cut off.

"Shut up Prongs, that's not why," Sirius said, shoving him.

I shut my mouth, pleasantly surprised and gave him a smile, to which he nodded before carrying on.

"Look mate, if you're that annoyed that you're going with Mary instead of waiting for Lily, then just tell her you made a mistake."

"What? And leave her dateless on Valentine's Day?" James said. "I'll be labeled as absolutely heartless."

"Good thing you're worried about that and not her feelings," I said, raising my eyebrows at him. He sighed and shrugged.

"Sorry Kate, I didn't mean what I said before. I overheard Lily telling Dorcas she'd decided to go with someone and now I wish I'd just asked her," he said, running his hands through his hair.

"There's always next year!" I said, reaching over the table to pat his hand.

"What's next year?" Lily asked as she and Dorcas arrived and took their places.

James gave me a look of desperation and I shook my head at Lily.

"Oh you know – I was er, thinking of joining the Quidditch team."

She raised her eyebrows and her eyes flickered to James before she nodded.

"Right. Is that before you ask to be Head Girl, or after?"

James laughed. "Nah, it's after I become Head Boy."

I was dancing with my arms up in the air, spinning in circles. Which was odd because I usually kept my arms at my sides while dancing – worried about embarrassing pit stains like a normal person. I was standing in the middle of a crowd and when I turned around, there on the stage stood the Man himself – Arson Fring. His ruffled shirt clung to him with attractive sweat as he leaned over the microphone and stared right at me, singing the lyrics to 'This Charming Witch' with an intensity that wasn't even in the original. I felt a little breathless as I took in the rest of the view. There was the hairy drummer and the goofy bass player and then – on lead guitar to Arson's left – was Sirius. But what was Sirius doing there? He hated The Ghouls and definitely couldn't play the guitar. He was staring at me too, and suddenly the crowd started to shuffle around me and push me towards the stage. Soon, I was in the front row still watching Sirius, unable to look away from his expression. It was the one that made me feel inadvertently guilty and I couldn't understand why. And then, I felt a hand reach down to hold mine from the center of the stage. Arson's voice swelled with emotion and Sirius' face blurred so much; I could no longer see him at all. Automatically, I turned to look at Arson and almost fell over. Because the person holding my hand, singing and staring at me like I was the only person in that crowd wasn't The Ghouls' lead singer – it was Remus.

"AGH!" I screamed, sitting up in bed with a jolt and then jumping a second time at the loudness of my shout.

"Kate?" Lily had tumbled out of her own bed and scrambled over looking disheveled, but alert. Somehow, she'd managed to draw her wand from amongst her piles of stuffed toys and was now raising it and darting her eyes around the shadows near my bed.

"Nothing, nothing," I muttered, wiping off my sweaty brow. I felt weird. So, so, so weird. My stomach was flipping over and I felt feverish and jittery.

"Bad dream?" she asked softly, sitting on the edge of my bed and lowering her wand with slight relief. We both glanced over at Dorcas' bed to see if I'd woken her, but unsurprisingly, she was still fast asleep.

"Yeah," I muttered, wringing my hands together. They still felt warm – like someone had actually been holding them.

"What was it about?" Lily whispered gently.

I looked back at her with wide eyes, taking in her curious and concerned expression. I thought about telling her. I thought about spilling my guts and asking for advice about how to deal with liking someone you didn't expect to like. I thought about figuring everything out with her and then coming up with a plan of action.

And then I lied.

"I was drowning."

Her expression became sympathetic and she put an arm around my shoulders, tucking my damp hair behind my ear with a maternal expression. This was why Lily was always my first choice of comfort – she knew when not to tease me for being irrational. But even though I would have usually felt comforted, I still shivered a little.

"Oh drowning dreams are awful. You've been having a lot of them this year, haven't you? Do you need a cuddle?"

I nodded and buried my face into her shoulder as she rubbed my back soothingly.

"Shush…everything will be all right."

Maybe I hadn't been dreaming of drowning, but it felt almost exactly the same.

After a few minutes, I realized Lily was nodding off on my shoulder, so I quietly woke her up and guided her back to her bed. On the other hand, there was no way I was getting back to sleep, so without making too much of a fuss, I put on my dressing gown and went down to the Common Room to clear my head.

But my luck these days was severely lacking and there was already someone down there, even though it was two in the morning. And of course, that someone was Remus. I kicked him lightly and curled up in the corner of the sofa leaving more than a foot between us. He looked different somehow, or maybe that was just how I saw him these days. Just seeing him did terrible but wonderful things to my insides.

"What are you doing up?" he asked, smiling tiredly and shutting the book he was reading, before he leaned against the opposite armrest to face me.

"Can't sleep," I shrugged before I paused and realized what actually looked different about him. "Hey! Your hair…it's all…." It was all damp and sexily pushed off his face. "Wet…"

He laughed. "Yeah, I tried to take a bath to help me get sleepy, but apparently all it did was make me look wet."

"I like your hair like that," I said and he embarrassedly slid a hand through it. I wished I could do the same, but cleared my throat and smiled. "So, why can't you sleep?"

"I always have trouble the week before."

I nodded. "It's next week?"

He winked. "Every full moon apparently."

I chuckled and wrapped my dressing gown more tightly around myself. "Like I keep track of the lunar cycle. I can barely remember when I'm supposed to get my own period."

He cringed and oddly, I felt myself blush too. Ugh – I used to enjoy making him uncomfortable with inappropriateness and over-sharing, but now I felt embarrassed too. Yuck – what a wholly silly thing to mention.

"Sorry – I'm a bit out of it. I had a…a bad dream."

"Another one?" he asked, his eyebrows creasing together. "What was it about?"

"Nothing important," I said dismissively. "So when's the night?"

"Day after Valentine's. Puts a bit of a downer on the day, doesn't it?" he sighed, leaning back to stretch his back over the armrest. He was thinner than Sirius and taller than James, but he had filled in slightly over the past year – he wasn't as scrawny looking and paired with the experience lines on his face, he was starting to look quite adult. Like a man. I shook my head and shivered, feeling icky and hot all at the same time. Merlin, it was hard being a teenager.

"Is that why you're reluctant about asking Gemma?" I asked, fiddling with the cloth belt around my waist. I didn't know why I wanted to torture myself – there was no reason to bring it up when he didn't. But I was still his friend and I wanted to be there for him.

"Partly," he shrugged, closing his eyes and sitting up again with a frown. "I'm always so exhausted and mentally drained, I'm not sure I'd be much fun to spend time with."

"Hey," I said, nudging his foot with mine again. "You're the best to hang out with even on your worst days."

He smiled and ran his hands through his hair, mussing it a little. Under the glow of the fireplace, his eyes looked almost a warm ochre colour. Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and used them as a description of warmth? Thoughtfulness? All of the times I'd looked into Sirius' grey eyes, I'd been enamored by their mystery – but Remus' were different. Still cryptic, but rather than blank and unreadable, they were a mix of a million emotions. Right now, the most powerful one was sadness.

"I don't know. I'm just not really sure with me and her," he said with a small smile and shrug.

"Oh right…"

"I mean, I think she's amazing. Like, really smart – too smart to be in Hufflepuff and not Ravenclaw. And kind, and a bit misunderstood. I feel like I know her and we have a lot in common. But I'm still not sure," he said looking at his hands.

"Oh yeah?" I asked, my throat feeling very dry.

"Yeah. It feels like I should be, but…" his eyes flickered up to meet mine and my heart began to pound. Maybe…just maybe he wasn't sure because of this thing between us. Maybe I hoped that was the reason.

"It's not even that though," he muttered hesitantly. "It's not just her…it's me."

"You mean, 'cause you're confused?"

"Well yeah, there's that. And…just me."

"What do you mean?" I frowned, ignoring the leaping in my chest.

"I mean, I'm not even sure she likes me," he said, shaking his head.

"Impossible."

The corners of his mouth turned up and he shrugged again. "I've been feeling it a lot this year actually. Every time I get close to someone, I start worrying. I remember that it can't last."

"Why not?"

He chuckled drily and gave me a look. "Cause Kate, you know I've got that bunny flu thing."

"Oh," I smiled. "Well that – you know that doesn't matter. You're still the same Remus."

"Maybe," he said looking to the fire. "But I worry about getting involved with someone when I'm the way I am. Sometimes in the middle of the month it's easier to forget, but most of the time it's so hard to believe that I'd be good for anyone."

A few months ago, I would have leaned over and rested my chin on his knees – squeezed his arm or done something to comfort him, but I was too hyper aware of myself to do that anymore. Instead I had to use my words.

"Look, I understand not feeling good enough. And I get that you drag yourself into this pool of self-deprecation and think up all the reasons why you don't deserve happiness. But just because you think you're dangerous or it's wrong for you to be in a relationship – it doesn't mean that any of that is true."

He groaned. "I've heard this from you before, Kate."

"No," I said sharply, leaning over – despite myself to clutch his knee. "You've heard it but you don't listen. You've got to see yourself clearly. You're still the same Remus no matter what shape you come in."

"Yeah, but not everyone's only going to be mad that I hid it from them. Most people will just be mad," he said with a distressed little sigh.

"Well…they're shit heads," I pouted.

He laughed. "Yeah, good point.

"Remus look, everything you see as bad is what makes you who you are – why you're sensitive and gentle and respectful. It's everything I adore about you. It's everything I'm trying to be."

Our eyes had been locked for too long. His stare was making my stomach flip and twirl in a painful way and his knee felt like it was vibrating under my hand. I let go and leaned back, crossing my arms over my chest.

"And I'm always right – so there!"

He cringed but chuckled again and I grinned, glad for an excuse to rub my face and cover my red cheeks.

"I think that you've got to remember that you're more than just a werewolf and more than just a Sixth year Gryffindor. You're Remus. You're Remus bloody Lupin, you know?"

"Yeah," he said, nudging my leg with his. "I think I've had that name for a while."

We smiled at each other and I sighed a little. Merlin, I was a glutton for punishment. The way he was looking at me right now – it made me wonder. Maybe this conversation wasn't so much about him and Gemma.

"You're special," I said feeling the air thicken as I moved a little closer. His eyes were darting all over my face and I wondered if he was looking at my lips the way I was looking at his. "Anyone would be lucky to be with you, Remus. Really."

"Thanks Kate," he muttered softly.

"Yeah," I murmured, wetting my lips and moving still closer so we were right beside each other on the sofa.

"Thanks for always being here for me," he said and I chuckled a little and stopped moving closer, shaking my head.

"Actually, it feels really good to hear you say that, because I worry sometimes that I'm not there for you enough the way you are for me."

His fingers laced suddenly with mine and I hoped they weren't sweaty or shaking. He didn't seem to notice.

"Trust me, the way it's been…I know it's been hard for you and I know you've been feeling weird about it. But you just keep trying to keep things normal and it just means a lot to me that you want to be there for me," he said sticking several pins in my chest when he smiled.

"Always."

"I kinda like you, you know?" he said with a sheepish smirk.

"Yeah," I whispered, feeling shy.

"But what about you? Are you not asking anyone because you still have feelings for Sirius?"

I clicked my tongue and pulled my fingers free from his. "I'm not asking anyone because I hate Valentine's day."

"The two of you seem to be getting along better anyway," he said with a smile. "That's good, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," I said, staring into the fire. Was he asking about Sirius because he was being a friend – or was there more to it than that?

"But we're done, Sirius and I. I'm okay with him moving on." I met his stare and swallowed. "I want to move on too."

"And they'll be lining up," Remus grinned.

Ugh that smile. It hurt my chest. Would it be so bad if I were a little selfish? If I did decide to throw my hat in the ring? It was giving myself too much credit thinking it might confuse him, but I had to try, didn't I?

He was watching me curiously now, probably wondering why I wasn't making a joke or telling him I'd only have idiots lining up for me. He also looked tired – as tired as I felt. It was two in the morning and we did have classes the next day. I ought to sleep on it.

"Ha," I said, standing up. "Well, you know what they say…all you need is one."

The problem with my new attitude towards people was that they always seemed to think I was taking the piss. Already that week, Greta Catchlove's friend Rohini had thrown me a dirty look when I greeted her in the hallway and a Third year named Carson complained about me to Slughorn for telling him all about how I remembered his name because it rhymed with my favourite singer's. So, I was a little worried when I bumped into Gemma's friend, Claire as I'd never spoken to her before.

"Oh sorry Claire!" I said, dusting her off a bit.

Her eyes widened a little and she replied, "That's quite all right Katherine," in the slowest, most suspicious voice you could imagine.

"You're Gemma's mate, aren't you?"

"Yeah, actually I was looking for you," she said and I breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps her expressions were just hard to decipher.

"Oh really! What's up?" I asked as we crossed the courtyard together towards Herbology – which apparently we took together.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about Hogsmeade," she said. "You and your friends are doing some pact thing where you have to go with people, aren't you?"

I raised an eyebrow at her, surprised that this was news.

"Oh, well sort of. We're not all doing it," I said. "Personally I plan on turning those cupids in Puddifoot's into little devils so it looks like evil is throwing up all over the happy couples."

Claire laughed. "Oh come on! The cupids are adorable."

I grimaced. "If you say so. So, why d'you ask about the pact?"

"Well Remus mentioned it in passing to Gemma…but he hasn't asked her."

I just sort of shrugged because I didn't really know how to respond. Also, there was that ache in my chest.

"So, I just thought maybe I'd ask one of his mates about it. And…well, Gemma says you're not as scary as we thought and really if I'm considering the rest of my options, I thought you'd be more open to the discussion. I feel like Potter, Pettigrew and Black would take the mick," she said in a hurry.

"Did you really think I was scary?" I asked with a frown as we stopped outside the Greenhouses. Through the glass, we could see that most of the class had arrived already and were noisily chattering about the day's lesson – an enormous, violent looking plant that resembled the Whomping Willow and was currently chasing Stebbins around the room.

"Well not scary, but intimidating a bit. But then you gave that hilarious, awkward speech during Essay Week and–"

"You realized I'm a loser?" I laughed. "Well look, I have mentioned it to Remus, but it's really up to him and Gemma. Sometimes it's best not to get involved, you know?"

She looked put-out and I felt a stab of guilt. Maybe I wasn't trying to stand in the way of Gemma and Remus, but that didn't mean I had to help, did it?

"Yeah, I guess…I just know it would mean a lot to her. She says they're just friends, but she's just so shy."

"Yeah," I muttered, looking in to the Greenhouse and watching as Remus and Gemma stood talking by her workstation. "Just like Remus."

It took until the middle of Herbology for Dorcas to break the news.

"Jack Barnes, really?" Lily said arching an eyebrow as we ducked one of the swinging branches we were supposed to be working on.

"What's wrong with him?" Dorcas shrugged. "No one else asked me."

"But isn't he a bit…I don't know – goofy?" Lily said. "He takes things less seriously than even James."

"Well at least she has a type," I shrugged. Remus hadn't talked to Gemma since the start of the lesson and although she looked a bit putout, he didn't seem upset. Well, of course we were dealing with a rather crazed plant so perhaps their expressions had nothing to do with their relationship. But I wondered if he'd asked her. I didn't really want to ask, but I hated not knowing as well. And a little part of me – the stupidest part – was hoping that maybe he hadn't asked her because he was thinking of asking me. Perhaps it was a long shot, he'd never made a move on me – at least not one I remembered – but still I went on hoping. Especially when he caught me looking and gave me that smile of his.

"Is it really that weird? He makes me laugh," Dorcas said. "He looks so happy all of the time."

Lily nodded. "Yeah, I guess I can't really talk. Charlus has a hard time saying much around me and I'm going with him. Kate, are you going with anyone?"

I clicked my tongue. "No, like I said – I'm not participating in the pact."

"Looks like Remus isn't either. Gemma would probably look happier if he were," Dorcas commented. "I wonder why he hasn't asked her."

"Yeah, I bet he likes her more than James fancies Mary, or me and you like Charlus and Jack," Lily frowned. "What do you think, Kate?"

I jumped a little because he was heading in our direction and so; I smoothed my hair back and shrugged. "I think a girl could do a lot worse than Jack Barnes."

Remus seemed to freeze for a moment before he continued walking over and I kept playing it cool.

"But Lily, I don't know what you're thinking with the toe-nail picker."

"I still don't know how you know that! When have you seen him barefoot?" she said.

"At yoga club last year. Oh hello Remus! Ask Gemma to Hogsmeade yet?" I blurted out like a fool. What was wrong with me?

He didn't laugh or roll his eyes. He just shrugged.

"You went to Yoga club?"

"Just the once."

"Oh, okay. Er…" he stared at me for a long moment and ran a hand over his hair. "The new Ghouls record came in the post."

"Mine did too! Listen to it separately first and then together this weekend?" I said eagerly. We'd done this for the last Ghouls release.

"Yeah, as long as we skip Charming Witch – I can't stand that song anymore," he said with a laugh.

"I've really got to write to him and ask for that 'This Boy with Bunny Flu,' song," I said shaking my head. "Stop your livid jealousy."

"I'm not jealous! It's just so madly overplayed. Just hearing 'Kay with the black eyes' makes my stomach churn," he replied.

"To be honest, mine too," I sighed. "I never thought I'd say that!"

"Well okay – this weekend then," he nodded, picking up our spare pair of gardening shears. "It's a date."

Thank Merlin, the plant attacked us and no one saw me blush.

A/N: Okay, I know. I suck. I really have been trying to update but I kept getting stuck and there was so much that I wanted to put in this chapter and it was all disjointed and BLaHH. Also, I'm doing Nanowrimo working on something original, so I was super into that for a while. Please forgive me. In fact, I am going to BUY your forgiveness by posting another chapter tomorrow since I had so much random stuff that didn't make the cut into this chapter. I heart you guys, thanks for waiting!