She saw blurs of dark, then flashes of color. Blue stars, purple streaks, yellow balls of light popped in her eyes. In the distance, she felt pain. It was gnawing at her, but it seemed like it was far away. Actually, it was right here, but she was far away. How very strange.
Some part of her recognized that something was wrong, but it was a small part, like a child whispering from behind. If she focused very hard, she realized how heavy everything was. She couldn't move, didn't know if she even had parts to move anymore. It was as if she was buried in heavy snow, the kind that would fall around Christmas, fat flakes just on the verge of becoming water once more. That would explain the lights, if it was Christmastime, but something told her that this was a much different circumstance.
A flash of memory came back to her. It was frightening and queer. A pair of bloodied red eyes, eyes that were on a person but shouldn't be on a person. Eyes narrowed into slits, eyes like a snake. And a cold, hard voice raking down her spine. That went along with the eyes, but she couldn't remember anything else and the heaviness was getting too unbearable once more, so she stopped trying to think.
The colors changed once and a while, from yellows to greens (though the greens terrified her), to oranges to purples. She couldn't tell how long she'd been like this, couldn't even tell if time was a constraint on her anymore. Maybe this was how she would spend the rest of her days, laying down and staring at the colors.
She was laying down, wasn't she. When the heaviness wasn't too bad, she felt her back against something, a soft thing. Grass, maybe? She could barely remember what grass looked like, what anything looked like. All she could remember was the cold voice in her ears.
filthy mudblood. It had said.
how dare you attempt to defy me? It had questioned.
your death will be easier to me than killing a fly. It had threatened.
The voice made things cold, and suddenly the colors were interrupted by veins of black. She felt her body shuddering, so she guessed she still had a body somewhere. That was a relief. The black made everything dimmer, but suddenly her ears were there. She felt them on either side of her, cold and alert. She heard whispers of voices now too, voices that were very close but she was very far away from, like the pain. Although, if she focused, the pain was getting closer, which scared her but also made her think that maybe she wasn't destined to lay here forever.
"She's been like this for a week Moony, I don't know what chance we have anymore."
"We've got to keep faith. Moody said that it'll take her a while, with what she's been through."
"Why did we let them go alone?"
"They were the only chance we had. And they succeeded."
"I don't think I can live with myself if they die."
She heard the whispers, but didn't understand. A word came to her. Friends. Those were her friends. They were talking about someone, more than one, they were fearing these people would die. One of them must be her.
James. The name popped into her head with a beautiful burst of colors. Bright green of grass (she remembered what it looked like now!) and maroon. Hard woody colors, soft pitch black that was different from the other blacks. Hazel. Those were his eyes. The hazel banished the terrifying red, it filled her with thoughts. Well, beginnings of thoughts. There was golden flagons of Butterbeer and foam covering his face. There was two hands, a freckly small one and a rough one with very long fingers, stroking each other lovingly. There was a broken pair of glasses and his voice screaming at her to get out of here. James must be the other that is dying.
The thought filled her with heaviness. But then, anger. James can't die. He was too pure and lovely. He can't die at the hands of that psychotic killer. Voldemort. The man with the snake eyes and long fingers, but not warm and playful like James's, but rough and cruel. She willed herself to fight the heaviness. Her ears fought to hear more, her fingers fought to move. She was delighted to discover that she still had them, now the second body parts she could feel independently.
"Did you see that Mary? She twitched!"
"She's been shivering for days, Mar. I don't know if that's much of an accomplishment."
"No, no that was different. I'm sure of it."
The voices, the friends, they were right. It was different. The heaviness was getting smaller, but where it shrank the pain enveloped. It was torture to wiggle her ear. It was hell to clench her jaw. But she fought through, the hazel guiding her back. She needed to get back to them, her friends, James, even to Voldemort. She needed to get back to Voldemort to kill him and everyone who fought for him. The colors began to soften, and the heaviness fell away. All that was left was over her eyes, like two balls of iron forcing them shut.
She was beginning to remember as well. The safehouse had been attacked. There were innocent men and women, fugitives of the war, Muggle-borns with unjust prices on their heads. The Order had been protecting these men and women, until that day. It was milky white outside, the house a like scar of black against the clouds. Lily and James were tearing towards it as fast as they could. The top window exploded with a bang. Screams could be heard.
Get everyone out alive. That was the goal. Benjy Fenwick and Sirius and Remus were on watch that day. Fenwick's corpse was lying on the living room rug when they entered. They failed in their goal before they could even begin. James took her hand, white as a sheet. Quick as lightning, they took out the two Death Eaters in the kitchen, who were too caught up in their fun to notice the newcomers. They'd been controlling one child with their wands, torturing the parents with the other. The family sobbed in relief, and Lily held them close. In a closet down the hall they found a little boy and his grandmother hiding. Grabbing the two families, ushering them to the door. The group took Fenwick's wand and Apparated out. Only Sirius and Remus and the Newcastles left. James had told her, and she felt a seed of hope inside her. But then the onslaught truly began.
Lily remembered her hand slipping out of James's. She remembered Sirius's face, how terrifying it was when they found him. She remembered making him go, making him find Remus and get out. There was so much blood, oh God it was too much. Sirius did it though, for he was standing above her right now. Remus was with him. She could tell from their gruff and familiar voices, guiding her back to sanity. But where was James?
Come on Lily, just open your eyes. We need you here.
Look Sirius! She's moving again, just like Marlene described yesterday.
Do you think she's waking up? Silence.
Only way we can find out is when she opens her eyes.
Open your eyes. She had to do it. OPEN YOUR EYES! She thought back to the safe house, where Voldemort was torturing the Newcastles. She thought of the Death Eater that she'd hit so hard with a countercurse that she heard a crunch in his bones. She thought of the spell Voldemort hit her with, a spell that made her blood stop and pain abound. She though of his taunts and James falling next to her with a thud. She thought of how she battled with Voldemort, even while she was on the ground barely conscious she fought. This angered him enough to hit her with something that put her into black. But she heard James groan and barely realized it, but they'd Apparated out.
And now she had to wake up. Her friends needed her. James needed her. The last color she saw was hazel, and the iron balls of heaviness were removed.
Lily opened her eyes.
xx x xx x xx x xx x x xx x xx xx x xx x x
"No way, the Harpies have a much stronger defense!" James cried, while Lily was rolling with laughter. Him and Sirius were in a more heated debate about Quidditch than she'd ever seen. Sirius was now seeming ready to charge like a bull, getting more and more worked up since James commented that Puddlemere was lacking this year. Lily and Remus had started commentating their argument like announcers. And Black's in the lead for calling Potter a twat. Potter brings it back with a quick blow to Black's ego. But now, she was laughing too hard to speak.
It was Sixth year, right before Christmas. The castle was bedecked in so much holiday cheer you could drown in it. Lily loved it at this time, especially since she was choosing to stay back this year. Petunia had written about her new boyfriend, an important man who she very much wanted to make a good impression on. He's planning to take over a drill company, she had written, each letter dripping with lovesickness. And Lily would undoubtably muck it up for her, so she requested her sister's absence at the house. She remembered the burning tears of shame when she read the letter, crinkled it, and threw it in the fire. But Marlene and James had taken her to the kitchens after and they ate a whole roll of cookie dough.
"I'm surprised you didn't get a Potter Special." She whispered to him. His hazel eyes sparkled.
"I'm surprised you even remember what that is." He replied.
Of course she remembered. James and Lily were a complex pair, that being just one of the facets of their relationship, if that's what one could call it. Actually, since the night before Sixth year began, he was nothing but a sweetheart to Lily. She didn't notice him hexing anyone (although, it's been a while since he really did that anyway), and he always brought her tea when she was up late studying. Lily learned more about James than she ever had know, about his family and his aspirations. She learned, also, that she liked being his friend. And he seemed to like being hers as well.
"Lily, what do you have to say?" Lily was snapped back to the present. James was now on the ground under Sirius's powerful tackle. His glasses were crooked and dangling dangerously off his head. There was a dangerous smirk on his lips.
"Take it back!" Sirius growled.
"Never! Let Evans be the decider."
"I barely know anything about Quidditch! Mudblood, remember?" She pointed at herself. All the boys made a derisive or unpleasent sound at her use of the word, but she only smiled larger. She'd been calling herself a Mudblood a lot lately, as to normalize the word. Slytherins would hear her talking like that and just gawk. They didn't have any ammo to hurt her with. It was quite satisfying.
"Who cares that you're muggle-born?" James said the last word with emphasis. Though Lily liked her new approach, the rest of her friends, loyal as ever, refused to go with her. "You're still bloody brilliant! So Merlin's beard, tell Padfoot he's wrong!"
Lily smiled. Truthfully, she didn't even know what the question was, but something about James's compliment made her decide anyway. Giggling, she pointed at James and nodded.
"I side with Potter."
Sirius howled in rage, and in a surprisingly graceful move, got up and stomped out of the Common Room.
The three left in the room burst out laughing, disturbing a table of Third Years that were frantically studying. Remus cast a glance over to the door.
"Let him sulk. He needs to realize how overrated Puddlemere is anyway." James said cheerfully.
"Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of all the books I still need to catch up-"
"Nooooo!" James and Lily said in unison, again disturbing the Third years. One shot them a nasty glance, to which Lily stuck her tongue out.
"Come on Remus, it's almost the holidays! I saw you come back from the library at three last night, there's no way you need more homework." Lily scoffed.
Their friend looked uneasy. "It's the full moon tomorrow, Merlin knows I can't study then..." He said quietly. James and Lily shared a look. They've been doing that a lot lately, if Lily thought about it. But Remus was a special case, as he was constantly worrying, especially as it got nearer to his transformation.
Then thud of the portrait hole caught their attention. It was Alice and Marlene and Mary, all cheering.
"Divinations over!" Alice cried. Lily had dropped the subject last year, as she'd always been rubbish and secretly thought the whole thing might be a sham.
"Now we don't have to suffocate on noxious perfume or look at bloody crystal balls till January!" Marlene said. The group cheered boisterously. The Third years packed up their things and went upstairs.
"I'd say this calls for a celebration, doesn't it Moony?" James asked, elbowing his friend. Remus seemed completely out of his worried funk at James's words. Lily beamed, always admiring how James knew exactly what his friends needed to cheer up.
"Snowball fight, Prongs?" Remus asked, grinning.
"I think you mean snowball war,my lad." James said. The friends chattered excitedly, picking up newcomers from groups arriving in the portrait hole, or those too sick of studying and wanting a break. Soon there was a big cluster of them, clad in scarves and fuzzy mittens. Lily was glad it had finally snowed last night, and hoped it wouldn't be too muddy from the rain they'd gotten earlier this week. James came down in handsome earmuffs, red wool standing out against his jet black mess of hair.
"Evans is that you? I could barely recognize from that scarf eating your face." He joked.
"Piss off Potter." Lily snarked, but it was muffled by the huge yellow scarf tightly wrapped around her face, so James only laughed louder.
His laugh was infectious, and she couldn't help but to join in. Sirius came in, adding much more excitement to the room, and slung his arm around James, their squabble totally forgotten. The trio began discussing tactics, where was good coverage, where to take advantage of unsuspecting students and cream them with snowballs. Peter came in the portrait hole just as the gang of students was about to head outside.
"Wormy! Just in time!" James cried, but then got quiet. Lily turned around and saw Peter. He looked dreadful, eyes puffy and bloodshot, fingers stained almost unrecognizably with ink.
"I-Ive been with McGonagall for hours." Peter stuttered quietly. His nose sounded very stuffy. "She still said my essay was barely worth a Dreadful." He looked like he was trying very hard not to cry. The rest of the group milled about, barely noticing his hunched frame. But James's expression softened.
"She didn't even like your paragraph on living object transfiguration? I thought that one was wonderful." He said, quiet enough not to attract attention. His face was open and kind, and he put a hand on Peter's shoulder comfortingly.
"No, and I worked all night on it too." Peter said miserably. Lily wasn't sure if the moment was too private for her to observe, but decided to grasp Peter's hand instead.
"Oh Petey." James murmured as their friend sniffled. Lily told him that transfiguration was bloody complicated, and she only got an A on the last test.
"But you're so smart." He said in surprise.
"So are you." She said. James looked at her, eyes deep and warm. His expression was one of deep admiration, almost so that Lily blushed. But Sirius's excited shouts snapped them out of their moment.
"Prongs, let's go! I'm sweating my arse off in this coat!" The group cheered. Lily looked around, as she'd almost forgotten about the snowball fight for a second.
"You guys go." James said easily. There were protests from the group. "It's fine!" He called, "I'll be there later to kick your arses later." The excited Gryffindors began to file out of the room. Their voices could be heard from down the hall, bouncing off the corridor walls. After the portrait hole finally shut, the silence in the Common room was jarring.
"Alright Peter." James said confidently, turning to his friend. "I'm going to help you with this essay until McGonagall is forced to give you an O out of the sheer awesomness of it."
"You can't write it for me, James." Peter said, seeming alarmed. James laughed.
"Of course not. I'm just going to help you in the parts you're stuck on. You've got Anamagi down, right?"
"Duh." Peter laughed quietly. It was the first time Lily saw him smile since he'd arrived. "What kind of Animagius would I be otherwise?"
"A bloody bad one, I'd reckon." James grinned. "Then that just leaves non-human objects. Let's get started!" Peter, seemingly gratified beyond words, simply nodded and took up a table. He spread his books out, and James began taking off his things. He glanced back at Lily, and frowned in confusion.
"Evans, why aren't you outside wreaking havoc with everyone else?" He asked.
"I-I, well, I just." Lily stammered. Why was she still up here? Why couldn't she stop looking at Potter helping his dear friend?
"You're such a Gryffindor." She said finally. James's eyebrows shot up from the complement.
"Why?"
"You're there for your friends so much. It's just..." Adorable, admirable? "Sweet." Lily finished, feeling foolish. Why could she suddenly not talk to him?
"I'd die for them." James replied simply. He had a very fierce look on his face. Lily felt swirls of warmth and tingles of butterflies. It was unlike anything she'd felt before. James was so unexpected. She used to think of him merely as a pig-headed trouble maker. Now, he was so much different, so much more.
"Anyways." James said, after the silence had drawn out long enough for it to become awkward. Lily focused, looking back at his hazel eyes.
"You go." He said, "I'll be down as soon as Pete feels better." Lily nodded.
"I'll shove snow down Sirius's pants for you." She promised.
He chortled. "You better." And he turned to go to Pete, eyes now glued to his parchment. His shoulders squared as if he was about to go to battle. Impulsively, Lily reached down and grabbed his arm.
"Potter?" She asked, when he turned to look at her, surprised by her touch.
"Evans?"
"I hope you know, I'd die for you." She said. His eyes widened for a second. Something deep in her gut made her certain that he needed to know this.
"I'd die for you too."
xx xxx xxx xxx xx x xx
But she didn't want him to die for her.
Lily blinked, eyes looking blearily around. She was at another safehouse, this on the edge of Hogsmede in a building disguised as an out-of-business potion supply shop. She'd been here before a few times, when she actually did have to make specific potions for the Order. Mostly Verituserum, but sometimes protection potions, sometimes potions to obscure an object. This room was on the top floor, which had a couple beds and things for those passing by who needed to stay in Hogsmede for a couple nights. The darkened window indicated it was either really late or really early.
"Lil?" A voice croaked. She turned her head, which was not as easy as she imagined, to find Remus. His face was pale and haggard, more haggard than usual.
"Re-" She tried to say his name, but it came out as a harsh whisper. She coughed harshly, and Remus rushed worriedly to fetch her a glass of water.
Hands shaking, she took the cup from him.
"Don't try to speak, it'll hurt your throat." He said calmly. His eyes were red, deep purple bags decorating them. The water was refreshing.
"How long?" Lily asked, ignoring his suggestion.
"About two weeks. It's almost December." Remus said, looking at her with broken eyes. Lily gasped, and hacked once more.
"It's a miracle, Lils, a real miracle." Remus continued. "Look at us, we're all alive. You and James..." He trailed, eyes falling again.
"James?" She whispered, afraid to hear. Remus was quiet. There was muffled shouting from the staircase. Peter and Marlene and Sirius were thundering up the stairs.
"She's awake!" Sirius basically screamed with joy. Lily felt her unused muscles twitch up into a smile. Her friends flocked her bed, looking at her with such love and happiness.
"Thank Merlin for that." Marlene teased. "With Red gone no one could keep Black in line." But her voice cracked and Lily reached out to grab her shaking hand.
"You lot helped me get back." She whispered, overcome with emotion. The group smiled down at her with watery eyes.
"Lily, you wouldn't believe what's been going on here." Peter said excitedly. "Alice and Frank are undercover on the bastards that escaped the safehouse, but once and a while we'll get updates. And Mary's working with Dumbledore..." The group's chatter fell into the background. She closed her eyes, enjoying the lilts of their voices, the crescendos of excitement of softness when they were serious.
"Remus is starting to work with some Werewolves too. Bloody nasty lot though." Sirius grimaced. Remus nudged him reproachfully, and he smirked.
"You know, guys, this is lovely but I'm exhausted." Lily said suddenly. The group quieted.
"Of course." Remus said, squeezing her shoulder. "We shouldn't overwhelm you."
"Thanks." Lily smiled. Remus and Sirius gave her kisses on the forehead, and Marlene was left, looking at her.
"What if you never wake up again?" She asked, like a little kid. Lily's insides twisted painfully.
"I will, Mar. You think I'd ever leave you alone for even one second?" Marlene smiled, but a tear dropped. The two hugged for some length and she bade Lily goodnight. The door shut with a gentle snap. Lily was alone.
She breathed deeply, soaking in what her friends had told her. Two weeks she'd been here. Two weeks she'd battled against death. And James was still alive. But what if he was losing that battle right now, and she wasn't there to help him fight? She couldn't even stand the thought.
Lily sat, a slow and arduous process, until she was upright. There was another bedroom down the hall, and she guessed that was where he must be. The cold floor was a shock to her feet, but she liked it after lying down for so long.
With a heave, Lily was off of her bed, ready to find her fiance.