"Alexandra…"
And she knew that she shouldn't expect anything more. Her parents had every right to be upset with her after what she'd done, but Alex just didn't feel like she had the time for fussing right now. "What were you thinking?" came her father's voice.
She stopped and turned at that. Maybe it was because she'd always been closer to her father and unable to deal with his disappointment in her more than her mother, or maybe it was just because she knew that if she didn't stop and deal with the talk they wanted now...they would just keep following her. "I'm sorry," Alex put out there immediately. "I swear I am." She sucked in a breath and then pushed it out, trying to steady herself. "I just really had to do it...I'm sorry if I disappointed you both by not sticking to the whole normal life trial period company thing...but this is who I am...I'm a DEO agent."
Out of the two of them, her mother seemed like the disappointed one. "I thought you liked it...you were doing so well...the board really liked you," her mother said. "Alex, are you sure that this is really the life you want?"
"It's the life that I'm really good at," Alex brought up. Being part of the DEO wasn't just about being a soldier or hunting down aliens, she got to use her entire skillset...including her science background. Nothing in her life ever felt wasted when she was working there. Every single experience and nugget of education that she'd taken in over her lifespan, it was all used there and she just hoped that her family would support her...because she needed them to be right there with her, especially now.
With them pursuing Trigon in full force, it meant that she'd need her parents and Kara even more because no matter how prepared she felt...she knew that her brain wouldn't let her forget what happened with Max or with Trigon. It would haunt her and though she hoped that knowing that the unearthly creature was either jailed or dead would help her sleep at night, she wasn't counting on it. It wasn't the past she wanted to forget, just to know that her world would be a little safer…
It was a moment where Alex swore it was the most disappointed that her mother had ever been in her thus far in her life. "I just…" Eliza sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. "The more I think about it, the more I can't help but think that you being in the DEO is in my fault… That I forced you into this life… I should have been there-"
Alex crossed the distance between them and embraced her mother, which apparently effectively stopped her from finishing her sentence. She and her mother hadn't always seen eye to eye, especially when she was growing up, but she knew that her mother had done the best she could (especially after her father had 'died') with her and Kara. "You're here right now," Alex whispered. "The DEO isn't the same as it was when I was a kid," she reminded as she squeezed her mother a little. "I'm making a difference here...and you're the one that made me strong enough to do it." She pulled back to look her mother in the face. "Have faith in me."
"We do," her father spoke up and put an arm around Eliza.
"We do," her mother echoed a moment.
"Does this mean that we can get to work now on kicking alien ass?" Adler questioned as she seemed to magically be right next to Alex. She looked over at the other woman as she balanced a pink bakery box and held the donut she was eating in the other. "Because that's why I signed up for the DEO."
"It wasn't to make the world a better place?" Kara piped up cheerily for the first time since the Danvers parents had spoken.
"Nope," Adler said as she took a bite of her donut. "Definitely not." And then she was just gone.
"We didn't even get a donut," Alex pointed out to Kara.
J'onn held up a donut. "At least I'm not in the dog house with Adler."
Adler's passing out of donuts was sort of a sign of things in the DEO. Right now she and Kara had no donuts, which meant that Adler wasn't pleased. It was likely partly because she didn't approve of Alex's choices, but they were her choices to make.
"Maybe J'onn got the last one," Kara suggested.
"X-ray the box," Alex told her sister since Adler was still in sight, she was just across the DEO.
"Alex-"
"Because you know I'm right," Alex said with a shrug while Kara just stared at her for a long moment.
A sigh was released. "You know, just because you're back to the DEO doesn't mean that you need to be right all the time…"
"It kind of does…" Alex teased lightly with a smile.
It was almost like a celebration at the choice she'd made with her life. It was more than just pouring her heart back into working at the DEO, it was accepting that there still needed to be a balance in her life no matter how difficult that was. There was a weight that was lifted from her and more of a freeness to her life (and it had only been a couple of hours).
"What are we going to do with Lord Technologies?"
They were having family dinner at Kara's apartment, but this was very much something that they did need to discuss. "I haven't really thought that far ahead," Alex responded. "To be honest."
"Do you want to keep the company?" her father asked, obviously trying to figure out things. "If you do, then we can make arrangements...maybe someone who has a strong business background, but also is reasonable to the actual science behind things."
"You also want someone who has a heart and who understands that things take times," Eliza added.
"I don't want the company just going to anyone, it's Max's company and he left it to me for a reason," Alex told them.
"Well, it's not something you have to decide right this moment, right?" Kara piped up from in the kitchen. "You have some time to think about it?"
"Maybe."
"It's something that we honestly need to be considering now," Jeremiah told them slowly. "But it's something we can be looking into tomorrow." He paused. "Right now, let's just enjoy dinner and being together. All of us. Safe and together."
"Is J'onn coming?" Kara asked.
"Not exactly sure," Alex replied honestly. "He was trying to do some more research on Trigon's whereabouts and trying to put together an action plan when I left earlier."
"We are going to find him, Alex," Kara insisted firmly.
"I know." That, of course, didn't make it any easier. As Kara put an arm around her and pulled her close, she knew that something more was coming. She knew her sister too well to think that she'd just give it up on whatever was bothering her.
Kara's head landed on her shoulder and she spoke a moment later. "Please don't do that again, promise me? If you're going to go face Trigon or some other thing that resembles the devil...promise me that you'll wait for me?" she whispered.
Alex looked down at her and then pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I promise."
"Because I would cross all the oceans...fly around the entire world if I needed...to find you," Kara said gently. "And I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."
"I love you, too."
For the time being, Alex tried not to dwell on what would become of Lord Technologies. When she did that, she fell too far into the cycle of thought that she was failing Max and his legacy. Failing and being a disappointment were the two things that Alex Danvers feared most in the world.
"Do you want me to stay longer?" Kara asked as she handed her a large mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows.
"No, it's okay...I just think I'm just going to sit here for a little bit and think," Alex said as she looked towards the window. It was late, dark, and though they were in the city...there were enough stars that could be seen from where she sat.
"You're sure?"
"I promise not to run off to practically Antarctica again...at least not without you," Alex said gently with a small smile. Her sister wrapped her arms around her and Alex wrapped her arm as best as she could in the position she was in, squeezing her. "I just want to be alone tonight, but I promise if I need you...I'll call you."
"You better, 'cause I can be over here in like a minute," Kara said quite seriously, which only made Alex smile wider.
"Good night, Kara."
"Good night, Alex."
Kara showed herself out, which left Alex sitting there with her hot chocolate and the stars to stare out at. She knew Trigon was still out there, but there was nothing to do tonight about it. It had been nice having her family over and J'onn had stopped by for all of thirty minutes before he'd been called back to the DEO. As much as it was a happy time when she had her family together, it seemed like only sad or hard circumstances pulled them together. That wasn't how it should be.
Alex just wanted to be truly happy.
Even if it was a glimmer of it.
She just needed to know that it was still out there in her future.
Her mind wandered to the dreams that she'd been having, the ones about Midvale and Max and the little girl. There was always some things that he seemed to say every single time. "Then I'm willing to wait for it," she whispered to herself as she thought about all of those dreams. It was like her brain kept making her relive this possible future with Max that she'd now been robbed of (if it had ever even been a possibility).
Alex took a sip of her hot chocolate and then closed her eyes, thinking about the beach…
Normally, it was peaceful and filled with giggling or laughter of the little girl. This time Alex's ears were filled with the screams of the little girl. When her eyes finally opened to take in the beachscape of Midvale, she found that though the landscape was what she'd expected...the conditions of it weren't so.
The houses were on fire.
Smoke filled the area instead of fog.
The water hit the shore with a crashing sound, but it wasn't the only thing making a crashing sound. In the distance, she could see Trigon's towering figure as he marched in from the ocean. Steam rising up around him with every step.
"Alex! Alex!"
She was grabbed and yanked backward. All she could do in that moment was to reach down where her holster should be. Instead she found she was in civilian clothing and no sidearm on her. "No!" she finally found her voice. Alex put her feet sternly into the ground and then pulled herself away from whoever was hauling her away, she turned to see Max there, the little girl clinging to his leg.
"It's too dangerous!"
"When have I ever run from danger?"
"Please, Mommy!" the little girl pleaded.
"What are you going to fight him with?" Max questioned firmly.
Her mouth just hung open for a moment. Alex was searching for the right answer. The problem was that her brain kept reminding her two things: this wasn't right and it was all a dream. Nothing that was before her was real. The danger wasn't real...well, not that imminent at least. Trigon was still out there, but he wasn't burning down things and coming for her in that moment.
"This isn't real," she breathed.
"Alex! Please!" Max pleaded.
She turned to him, words he had previously said flooded her head. "Max! What about what you said before?"
"What do you mean?"
For a moment, she swore that he seemed to be completely there, the world crumbling around them forgotten. Then the little girl yanked on his shirt and whined at him, "Daddy! I'm scared!" Alex knew that if this was truly her child, even if it were just an imaginary one that she should really fear for her safety...to feel something, but right now all she felt was nothing.
Her eyes were on Max. "You told me that you'd wait for it…" she felt like she was shouting against the crash of the waves behind her and the thunderous washy steps of Trigon. Her hands were holding his upper arms, fingers curling into the fabric, and likely leaving bruises underneath. What if this was it? The last dream? Trigon was coming to destroy dreamworld...what if this was really it? Then she needed to make sure that Max answered all of her questions before she'd lost the last remnant of him. "What does that mean, Max? What-"
"We make our mistakes, Alexandra…" Max said. Something about how he said her name reminded her of another time, taking her out of that moment for a brief beat. "Life takes and it takes, but I will be by your side." He sucked in a breath. "And I'm willing to wait for it."
"But this isn't real!" she shouted, pulling her into a spiral. Everything started to spin, emotions flooded and overtook her, and Alex found herself clinging to Max harder. She didn't want to let him go, not just yet. This was all a dream. "I'm sorry," she whispered. It felt like the last moment she could say all the things that she should have said to him before. "I'm sorry for everything, Max…" Tears rolled down her cheeks as she forced the dream to continue a little longer. "There were so many things that I should have said to you...so many things that I'll never actually get to say to you...and I...I wanted to run the company for you, to continue your legacy...but I just can't…"
He smiled. "You should be happy, Alex."
But she wasn't.
"I don't know if I know how to be."
"You will."
"How do you know?"
"Because all you have to do is wait for it."
His final words to her before it was yanked from her were so peaceful, even, and serene. She had no idea how so much love and sincerity could have been packed into that sentence, but she swore they were, she could feel it.
Waking with a start, Alex spilled her hot chocolate all over herself. She stared at the broken oversized mug that lie a few inches from her feet on the floor. Shock was hitting her, but it wasn't the still hot chocolate. It was the emotions that were curled up inside of her, the ones that almost felt like they could choke her. She had hoped to feel like she'd be able to be at peace with Max's passing and the fact that she couldn't run the company...but she still didn't. It was more like she'd just stirred up old emotions, including grief, which she'd thought she'd already worked through.
They were still there.
It all still hurt.
Fresh.
Raw.
Alex sucked in a breath and then reached up to push tears that were rolling down her cheeks. Her fingers hurt, she realized, and all she could remember was clinging to Max in the dream. It was all so real, though. How could something that wasn't real actually feel real?
Wait for it.
That's what Max had kept telling her.
It had always been like he wasn't gone.
He was gone.
She'd seen the DNA results that had been lifted from The Pipeline. There was no way that he could have survived it. Alex just sat there, unsure of what to do. Looking around, she grabbed her cell phone, dialed the first person on her favorites list, and held it to her ear. "Can you come over?" she managed to get out, not realizing until a moment after exactly how broken she sounded.
TBC…