Thank you all so much for the reviews, follows and favorites!
It seems that my written chapters turn out very differently than I plan them. The emotion and heartbreak at the moment is really at the forefront, and it may be until some issues are resolved. I do promise this will not be forever.
''Rafi, what are you thinking about?''
His eyes shot up to those of his mother, breaking him from his train of thought. Somehow he'd lost attention during their conversation, his mind wrapped up completely in Olivia.
He'd been unable to express what he so desperately wished to say. But in the moment, he was stunned by her presence, and powerless to have the type of conversation he needed to have with her. In a way he'd also been surprised by her. She had expressed no anger, only motivation regarding the case. No anger had been traceable, and he knew she'd either moved on or managed to remain calm. And now he found himself aching for more answers.
''Olivia.'' he blurted out without hesitance.
Lucia's expression turned puzzled at the name. It was one she hadn't heard in almost a decade. As she stared into her son's eyes, she noticed something she hadn't seen often. It was real pain. The kind he carried after Yelina broke his heart, or the hurt caused by his own father. ''Mi hijo, you haven't mentioned her in years.''
Barba nodded, feeling he had let the frustration and emotion escape his body. It had all been piling up, and was becoming too much to bear. ''She's back in town. I saw her today for the first time in nine years.''
Lucia sat back, watching him struggle with his words. ''I liked her. Despite her driving you crazy sometimes, it seemed like it could last. And when you stopped mentioning her, I suspected it had ended.'' she said softly. ''What happened?''
He took a deep breath, afraid the response his mother would give. She didn't just like Olivia. After they first met, his mother had gushed about her and loved her to bits, just like he had. ''After she graduated from the FBI Academy, she was going to San-Francisco for her first job.'' he began to explain cautiously. ''I left her at the hotel with a note to say goodbye.''
''Oh Rafael, you did not do that!'' Lucia grimaced in a raised voice. ''Why would you do such a thing?''
For a moment his eyes strayed across his office, thinking of a solid answer. Yet there was none. He knew nothing could ever justify his actions. ''I don't really know, to be honest.'' he said, his voice filling with raw emotion. ''I think I was scared of what long distance would mean for our relationship. I was afraid of her giving up her job for me so we could be together.'' he guessed. ''I was a coward.''
He searched her eyes for a reaction, but came up empty. ''Seeing her today brought everything back. The memories of how happy we were, how much I loved her.'' he went on. ''I've never been able to forget her.''
''Well, how can you?'' Lucia asked bluntly. ''Rafi, when I saw you two together I was astounded by how happy she made you. Even just speaking to you alone back then, I noticed a difference in you.'' she remembered fondly. ''I thought you'd marry her someday.''
He sighed, not knowing what to do with himself. ''I don't know what to do.'' he confessed. ''We're at opposite sides of an important case, but I find myself at odds. I want to see her, and talk to her, but I don't really have the right anymore.'' he went on.
''Do you still love her?''
The question hit him like a bombshell. His answer to that particular question could change everything. But he knew. Of course he knew. The answer to that question had never changed. ''I do. I never stopped loving her.'' he replied. ''I tried to dull her absence with work and other relationships, but none of them were her. No one is Olivia.'' he whispered painfully.
Lucia had to fight back her disappointment for what he'd done all those years ago. He'd screwed up majorly, all on his own. But the guilt was written all over his face. ''You made a mess, Rafi.'' she told him, not holding back in honesty. ''How are you going to make it right?''
''I don't think I can, mami.'' he answered. ''I have to respect her space, and if she wants to speak to me she can. But I don't want to interfere in her life. Not anymore than I have to.'' he said, knowing he wanted nothing more than to see her and explain. ''She doesn't deserve this. She's kind and warm, and I think she's happy.''
''I think you have two options, Rafael. One, is to let her live her life, and go on without her.'' Lucia began, her voice stern and disapproving. ''Or you fight for her like you should've done nine years ago.''
A silence fell between them, as Barba turned his eyes away and rose from his chair. He stopped at the window, looking out at the people rushing down the street. With his hands buried in his pockets, he turned around at the sound of his mother's voice.
''If you continue pushing people away you'll end up alone.'' Lucia said, and even though it pained her to say the words, it was the truth. Her son was good at pushing away the ones he loved in order to protect himself from hurting. Yet it had hurt him even worse when it concerned Olivia. ''And I don't want to see you alone. You deserve to be loved, but you'll need to fight for it.''
He was about to respond when the door to his office opened without a knock. He was about to ask for a moment, when he realized it was his boss. ''Sir, what can I do for you?''
The District Attorney hovered in the doorway, his eyes wandering from Barba to Lucia for a moment, until he refocused his attention. ''You're needed at SVU.'' he announced. ''The FBI will have a meeting with Captain Cragen and I want you there to protect our interests.''
Barba nodded curtly. ''Of course, sir. I'll be out the door in five minutes.''
In the meantime, Lucia's eyes had strayed across her son's desk until she noticed a note with Olivia's name scribbled on it. Beneath it she read the name of hotel and a room number. She looked back up at her son again after his boss had left, smiling at him.
''I should go.'' she said as she rose from the chair, and turned to Barba. ''Think about what I said, Rafael.''
He approached her, seeing nothing but love in her eyes. ''I will.'' he reassured. ''I'll talk to you soon.''
The squad room was filled with unrecognizable faces, which was to be expected. With nine years came many changes, and for SVU of course it was no different. She let her eyes wander the room in curiosity, taking in all the details.
But within seconds, she found herself smiling back at Captain Cragen who stood in his office doorway. She began to approach him as Porter followed right behind her, hoping that everything would remain civil. There were no ill intention from either side and she didn't want to poison the waters. Her time at SVU had formed her into the detective who eventually was recruited into the FBI. It was where she learned to be a better detective, under Cragen's command.
She came to a halt in front of him, stretching her hand to his. ''Captain, it's been too long.'' she remarked happily. ''It's good to see you again.''
Cragen took her hand warmly, shaking it and then letting go. ''Detective Benson, or should I say Agent Benson?'' he asked kindly. ''You look exactly the same. How has life at the FBI been treating you?''
Olivia couldn't help but smile at the kind and warm welcoming. ''It has been quite the adventure.'' she responded honestly. ''Captain, this Executive Assistant Director Porter.''
''Yes, of course. Captain Cragen. Nice to see you again.'' Cragen introduced quickly. ''Barba warned me that the feds were in town with an interest in Lloyd Anderson.''
Olivia exchanged a quick look with Porter before turning her attention back to the conversation. ''I spoke with the ADA assigned to the case this morning, and there was no cooperation. We were hoping it'd be different if we came to you.''
Cragen only focused on Olivia's presence. ''Liv, I should warn you that Barba is on his way to offer him a deal in exchange for a confession.'' he informed her. ''I would like to help you but the DA's office and Chief Dodds have us under strict orders to not let the FBI interfere.''
''Could we watch the interrogation?'' she asked.
Cragen nodded, pointing towards the interrogation rooms. ''Detectives Carisi and Rollins are questioning him as we speak. It's the first room on your left.''
''Thank you, Captain.''
With Porter by her side she walked into the direction of the interrogation room. Inside, she watched two detectives speaking to the man whose face had become so familiar to her. She'd never forget his face, or the pain it represented.
Porter stood a few steps behind her, watching as Olivia clenched her hands together. He noted the slight cringe going through her body, the tension she carried, and how she fought to remain calm. He'd seen her struggle in the past, and he recognized the signs immediately.
He stepped next to her, facing her completely as his hands came to rest on her shoulders gently. He slowly spun her around to face him, his gaze softening as their eyes met. ''Olivia, you don't have to do this.''
Through hazy eyes she stared back at him, not for a moment questioning his intentions. It was clear he supported her as a friend, and nothing else. Like he'd done for the bigger part of her career at the FBI. ''I know I don't have to, but I want to.'' she told him. ''I'm just holding out hope that the US Attorney will have come to an agreement with DA before Anderson can sign that deal.''
''We can only wait and hope for the best.'' he decided. ''But remember the promise I made you four years ago!'' he insisted as he stared back at her. ''I'll do anything within my power to solve this case.''
Olivia nodded, finally unclenching her hands. ''I know.''
Barba was making his way into the squad room, rushing himself to discover what the FBI had been up to. He headed for the Captain's office when two shadowy figures on his right grabbed his attention. He froze in his steps, turning to get a full view of two people, and he realized it was Olivia with Dean Porter.
His hands were on her shoulders, little distance between them, and the sight flooded him with unwanted emotions. Jealousy mostly, something he wasn't proud of. But as he looked closer, he noticed the look of distress on Olivia's face, and he felt his heart sink. It was identical to the uncertainty he'd seen her eyes just hours before.
A few seconds lapsed as he continued taking in the sight when he suddenly caught Olivia's eyes glancing back at him. He smiled for just a moment, seeing a hint of a smile forming on her lips at the same time. It was the trace of a spark in her eyes that forced his mother's words to echo through his mind. He could either fight or let go again.
The reverie was broken by the sound of his cell ringing in his pocket, bringing him back to reality once again. He waited for a moment, still looking at her, until he finally put the phone to his ear and turned away to find a moment of privacy. Not only did he need privacy, but he needed to not be distracted by her presence.
He listened carefully to the frustrated and angry voice of his boss, blurting out a few insults at the FBI and hanging up without a polite goodbye. He put the phone back in his pocket, still awe struck at what he'd just heard from his boss.
Without hesitation, he walked back into the direction of the interrogation rooms to find Olivia and Porter still standing there. He took a moment, breathing in deeply before he continued his approach toward the two Agents.
''Agent Benson, Agent Porter.'' he acknowledged. ''It appears I have some good news for you.'' he began, hating that he had to admit defeat in the case. ''Lloyd Anderson will be released into FBI custody within the next five hours.''
Olivia stood still, the surprise hitting her immediately. ''What changed?'' she asked for clarification.
''I don't know.'' Barba replied quickly. ''The order came directly from above. It wasn't up to me to question it.''
It took everything for Olivia to remain stoic when the news meant so much. Having Anderson in custody meant a new lead in their case, one which could lead them directly to the person they truly wanted to face criminal charges for his actions. ''Thank you, Counselor.'' she whispered gratefully.
''I'll take care of the paperwork, Liv.'' Dean interrupted. ''You should head back to DC. Your team probably needs to you more than I'm needed at the moment. The plane can be ready for take-off at the airstrip in two hours.''
She nodded at him, her eyes wandering to Barba, and she recognized the disappointment in his eyes as they reflected her own. ''Dean, can you give me a moment.'' she asked softly, watching as he stepped away to allow her a moment of privacy with Barba.
She sighed, her hands falling to her sides. Once again she was questioning everything, even what to say. ''I wish we'd met again under different circumstances.'' she sniffled.
Barba was at a complete loss, knowing she was attempting to say goodbye again. ''I don't want you to go, Liv.'' he declared without hesitation. ''We need more time. I need more time.''
She suddenly felt his hand grasp hers, the touch sending a shiver through her body. It was unexpected, and she found herself facing difficulties of walking from him. ''I can't give you more time. I'm sorry, Rafael.'' she whispered, her breathing unsteady as their hands remained connected. ''Maybe we'll see each other again someday, but right now I just can't do this. It's too much.''
The tears filled his eyes at her pain, his heart breaking for her. For everything he destroyed in the past, knowing it was all on him and no one else. He was the sole person to blame for their circumstances. ''I understand, Olivia. I'll miss you.'' he croaked out, closing the distance between them by stepping toward her.
He was acting on pure emotion as he pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her waist to keep her in his embrace, even if it would only last a few seconds. To his surprise, he felt her body relax against him as her arms surrounded his neck, and her breathing slowed down.
She stayed in his embrace for a moment too long, she realized. In a way it felt like coming home, to feel safe and loved again. The feeling he'd always given her. But now the undertones were very different as it was a last attempt of holding onto each other. To cling to a small moment to remember in future.
With one last breath, she pulled away from him, fighting the tears which were welling up in her eyes. No other words were exchanged as they gazed at one another while she began to step back. In that final moment, she tried to remember his face, almost as a snapshot to think back to in dark times.
Then she turned around, the tears rolling down her cheeks as her back was turned to him. She wiped the tears away desperately to not show her emotions as she passed Porter on her way out. She nodded at him quickly while she passed him, her small way of saying goodbye as she rushed to escape the precinct.
Porter watched Olivia rush out of the squad room, causing anger to rush to the surface. It was clear she was in pain over saying goodbye to him once again. If anything, she never deserved to be in pain. He knew Olivia well from working with her for many years and he'd come to know her as a good, passionate Agent. Someone who'd walk through fire for those she loved.
From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Barba shifting his position toward the exit, indicating he was about to go after Olivia. Immediately he stepped in front of his path when he came closer, stopping Barba from resuming his destination.
''Let her go.'' Porter said, his voice raised and clear, forcing Barba to an immediate halt.
Barba stopped in front of him, annoyance ever so present in his eyes. ''Sorry, what did you say?''
''I think you should let Olivia live her life.'' he repeated, not flinching. ''All you cause her is pain and confusion, and she doesn't deserve that.''
The hostility in the other man's voice meant nothing to Barba. Instead of paying more attention to him, he walked past him, with the purpose of leaving the squad room immediately.
''Olivia made the best choice of her life when she decided to take the job in San-Francisco after initially turning it down. She was finally able to live her own life, away from you.''
The words reached his ears before he was too far away, but he continued walking to get the air he so desperately needed in that moment.
Once he finally stepped outside, he scrolled through his contacts, stopping at Olivia's number. The one that had only been added to list hours before. His finger hovered above the name, and then the number.
He finally pressed it, putting the phone to his ear, praying that she'd pick up the phone. He needed to hear the words from her. He needed to say more before she'd be gone again, especially knowing what he knew now.
Olivia was approaching a cab when the buzzing of her phone caught her attention. Taking the phone into her hand, she felt her stomach turning into knots when the ID on her screen flashed before her eyes. With hesitance she picked it up and put it to her ear, staying absolutely quiet. She had nothing more to say, but deep down she wanted to hear what he had to say.
Barba stopped in his tracks when he heard nothing but soft breathing. ''Liv?'' he asked gently. ''Olivia?''
He sighed when he realized she was staying quiet on purpose, so he decided to speak anyway. ''I just need to know one thing, okay?'' he asked, his heart beating a mile a minute. ''Did you really turn down your reassignment in San-Francisco?''
She tried to hold onto reality as he spoke. It had been something she never intended to share since it caused her so much shame. She'd turned down her dream job for a man who had been gone the next morning, never to be heard from again.
''Liv, I didn't know, okay.''
''Barba, don't do this, please!'' she finally begged, her voice trembling as she took a deep breath. ''I'm going back to DC. It doesn't matter anymore. It's been nine years.''
Had he been standing next to her, he could've done so much more. He wanted to explain, to make things right but words still seemed to fail him. There was nothing that could make up for his mistakes. ''I have to, Liv. I owe it to you. To us.''
''Rafael, there's no us.''
The pain in her voice broke his heart. It suggested she was hurting more than anything and had been for nine long years, even though she'd buried the feelings. ''If I had known at the time…''
Before he could finish his sentence, she forced him to stop by interrupting him. ''This isn't fair. You can't do this. Not over the phone, and especially not after nine years.'' she reminded him. ''Look it's simple, Barba…'' she began. ''….you and I, we loved each other but it wasn't enough, and in the end our careers meant more than our relationship. We had something really good but it ended. We're living different lives right now.''
''And I have to go. I'm really sorry, Rafael, but I can't do this. I can't handle it.''
With those last words, he heard the call end, and it tore him to pieces, the silence enveloping him as he stared at the empty screen of his phone, her name before his eyes.